Conversations with Yourself

[Sparky2Blame?]

Anyone else do this?... .

Sometimes, I find myself having conversations (in my head) with the ex.  Half the time, I don't even realize it and it's really random.  But its mostly me, working my way through what I would want to say if we ever to actually sit down and I could unloaded everything I needed to say.

With most of the other relationships I've been in, there's always been a formal goodbye... . a mutual parting (or at least one person explaining what was missing for them).  The symbolic shutting of the door.  But that has always been missing with every recycle and ending with this girl.  A lot of the self talk is related to that conversation.

Any opinions on weather this is healthy?  I would think that it would be... . organizing your thoughts  But then again, maybe not... . since it's really not getting out.  Can't say it always feels good.  And it makes it hard to concentrate on other things, at times.

Is this a coping mechanism?

[simplyasiam]

i do the same . i know it dont get me any where she would never have done it anyway.

the little of reason she ever did give always changed and turn into being thing that were worng with me.

how long were you with her how many break ups?

[clover528]

I think we do it as a means of finding answers that really can not be received from or pwBPD. I do it sometimes too because in reality I was never able to finish a sentence much less an actual thought. I think as part of healing it might be best to change your train of thought or distract yourself from ruminating thoughts. We all need some distractions in order to rewire ourselves and begin to detach from our pwBPD. But the answer for me is, yes I do this sometimes too. Often out of frustration, just needing to be heard.

[danley]

Dunno if it's healthy but I do it too sometimes. I imagine what I would like to say to my ex. But for the last few months I've been just keeping it to myself. Even tho he is being cordial and caring and such, I still have thoughts of things I'd like to say to him. But I figure it wouldn't do me any good right now. I don't like to have to be the one to address things all the time especially when it comes to him acknowledging his mistakes. He's an adult and I know he knows what he's done wrong. But like most things, he acts like nothing happened and rather acts kindly and kisses my butt. This is HIS version of him apologizing. I think a good old fashion apology would be better because then it tells me he's accepting ownership for what he did. I am not seeking an apology because I would prefer it come from him on his own. And when it comes to major stuff, he rarely apologizes. So for now at least, I have imaginary dialogue sometimes as to what of say reference him skipping over the ownership and apology.

[Suzn]

This is a perfectly normal part of the detachment process Sparky. It is step 1 in the five stages in acknowledging your feelings. (The five steps are listed to the right of your screen)

How are you coping with these feelings? Distraction is good when you need a break from the ruminations though they are very much a part and we all go though this stage.

[SockMonkey]

I have these conversations all the time! And, I guess I am still stuck in stage 1---after a year!  Like the moderator said, I've got to find a way to distract myself as do you.   The abrupt splitting and no contact he initiated was traumatic... . there will be no formal goodbye, no niceties, wishing well, etc.  That's hard to process.

I'm with you. 

[struggli]

I have these conversations all the time! And, I guess I am still stuck in stage 1---after a year!  Like the moderator said, I've got to find a way to distract myself as do you.   The abrupt splitting and no contact he initiated was traumatic... . there will be no formal goodbye, no niceties, wishing well, etc.  That's hard to process.

I'm with you. 

It's been about a year and I still do this too.  I think it happens in my dreams more than it does in my conscious thought.

I had imaginary conversations when we were together more, I think.  Sometimes it was when I was excited and missing her couldn't wait to see her.  Other times it was when she was "needing space" (at the bar, maybe with her ex, etc.) and it was more a trying to say what I need and trying to understand why she thought it was OK.  In the regard of replaying how I could have done things, said things differently, I think in the long-term it's unhealthy, because it's trying to solve something that is damaged and yet I'm making myself out as the one who should have carried all that burden.

[Sparky2Blame?]

Sounds like this is perhaps normal and maybe part of the early stages of healing.  Though it maybe unhealthy if it goes on too long.

i do the same . i know it dont get me any where she would never have done it anyway.

the little of reason she ever did give always changed and turn into being thing that were worng with me.

how long were you with her how many break ups?

I feel the same way... . It'll never happen and if it did it would be like any conversation in the past where any issue i was having or feeling some how was related "problems" with me.

5 years on/off.  This was the 5th recycle.

I think we do it as a means of finding answers that really can not be received from or pwBPD. I do it sometimes too because in reality I was never able to finish a sentence much less an actual thought. I think as part of healing it might be best to change your train of thought or distract yourself from ruminating thoughts. We all need some distractions in order to rewire ourselves and begin to detach from our pwBPD. But the answer for me is, yes I do this sometimes too. Often out of frustration, just needing to be heard.

I agree that a big part of the issue detaching (for me atleast) is that there is much that always goes unsaid.  Part of that was me, walking on eggshells during the r/s, thinking that if I didnt voice my feelings, it might help keep peace.  Then after, the abrupt ending with no real conversation about what/why it was now over.

Dunno if it's healthy but I do it too sometimes. I imagine what I would like to say to my ex. But for the last few months I've been just keeping it to myself. Even tho he is being cordial and caring and such, I still have thoughts of things I'd like to say to him. But I figure it wouldn't do me any good right now. I don't like to have to be the one to address things all the time especially when it comes to him acknowledging his mistakes. He's an adult and I know he knows what he's done wrong. But like most things, he acts like nothing happened and rather acts kindly and kisses my butt. This is HIS version of him apologizing. I think a good old fashion apology would be better because then it tells me he's accepting ownership for what he did. I am not seeking an apology because I would prefer it come from him on his own. And when it comes to major stuff, he rarely apologizes. So for now at least, I have imaginary dialogue sometimes as to what of say reference him skipping over the ownership and apology.

Right, a "normal" person should be able to see thier errors (atleast part of the time), and step up and address the mistakes on thier own.  On the bright side, atleast there seems to be some ownership if he's appologizing in his own way, which is more then some others get from thier pwBPD.

This is a perfectly normal part of the detachment process Sparky. It is step 1 in the five stages in acknowledging your feelings. (The five steps are listed to the right of your screen)

How are you coping with these feelings? Distraction is good when you need a break from the ruminations though they are very much a part and we all go though this stage.

Thanks for the validation.

Coping varries.  Sometimes I will acknowlege and embrace the conversations.  Perhaps a long hot show and that will be my time limit. After that, then try to distract myself.  Othertimes, when I realize, I will immediately try to distract.

I have these conversations all the time! And, I guess I am still stuck in stage 1---after a year!  Like the moderator said, I've got to find a way to distract myself as do you.   The abrupt splitting and no contact he initiated was traumatic... . there will be no formal goodbye, no niceties, wishing well, etc.  That's hard to process.

I'm with you. 

I agree. No formality to the ending IS hard!  Our last break, pre-recylce was about a year.  I guess I still did this to an extent. But not nearly as often.  And I don't think they felt as intense.  Hopefully you can find something to help distract and move you past this.  Hopefully I can too.

I have these conversations all the time! And, I guess I am still stuck in stage 1---after a year!  Like the moderator said, I've got to find a way to distract myself as do you.   The abrupt splitting and no contact he initiated was traumatic... . there will be no formal goodbye, no niceties, wishing well, etc.  That's hard to process.

I'm with you. 

It's been about a year and I still do this too.  I think it happens in my dreams more than it does in my conscious thought.

I had imaginary conversations when we were together more, I think.  Sometimes it was when I was excited and missing her couldn't wait to see her.  Other times it was when she was "needing space" (at the bar, maybe with her ex, etc.) and it was more a trying to say what I need and trying to understand why she thought it was OK.  In the regard of replaying how I could have done things, said things differently, I think in the long-term it's unhealthy, because it's trying to solve something that is damaged and yet I'm making myself out as the one who should have carried all that burden.

Wish I could remember my dreams!  But I would imagine I do this too.

In the past I would focus on how I could have done things differently too. ... . Relived arguments and tried to think of how I could have defused situations.  Or maybe showed that I cared "even more".  In retrospect, it was alot of wasted time, energy , and sleep becuase I feel pretty certain that there was no perfect combination of things that could have been done or said.

[Tired68]

I agree that for me the hardest part is the abrupt departure and no contact, its killing me inside and I feel this overwhelming sense of lonliness and cant shake it. my friends are tired of hearing it and tell me " she cheated and lied to you, you need to get over it"! this is the hard part because all this came as a shock, it was just suddenly over ! just like that! and I am left to wonder what happened. why? my mind is scattered. I just want closure. why wont she just call or write and apologize, she is making me suffer and I wasn't the one who did anything wrong! helppppppppppppppppppp!

[Sparky2Blame?]

I agree that for me the hardest part is the abrupt departure and no contact, its killing me inside and I feel this overwhelming sense of lonliness and cant shake it. my friends are tired of hearing it and tell me " she cheated and lied to you, you need to get over it"! this is the hard part because all this came as a shock, it was just suddenly over ! just like that! and I am left to wonder what happened. why? my mind is scattered. I just want closure. why wont she just call or write and apologize, she is making me suffer and I wasn't the one who did anything wrong! helppppppppppppppppppp!

I'm new here, so don't know your whole story.  But I know how you feel.  No closure really sucks and as I'm learning will be something I must give myself.  I would like to think that the lack of a really closure-like conversation comes from guilt and remorse, but I think with pwPBD, that isn't so much the case.  More likely its just lack of empathy.  We'll have to find ways to take controll of our own suffering back and not give them the power to hold that over us!

[ColoradoLady]

I agree that for me the hardest part is the abrupt departure and no contact, its killing me inside and I feel this overwhelming sense of lonliness and cant shake it. my friends are tired of hearing it and tell me " she cheated and lied to you, you need to get over it"! this is the hard part because all this came as a shock, it was just suddenly over ! just like that! and I am left to wonder what happened. why? my mind is scattered. I just want closure. why wont she just call or write and apologize, she is making me suffer and I wasn't the one who did anything wrong! helppppppppppppppppppp!

I'm new here, so don't know your whole story.  But I know how you feel.  No closure really sucks and as I'm learning will be something I must give myself.  I would like to think that the lack of a really closure-like conversation comes from guilt and remorse, but I think with pwPBD, that isn't so much the case.  More likely its just lack of empathy.  We'll have to find ways to take controll of our own suffering back and not give them the power to hold that over us!

It's helpful to hear your comments about the difficulty of having no closure as I can totally relate, too.  The last email exchange I had with my BPDbf (before I had the understanding of BPD) I told him I needed him to work with me (through the counselor) to heal the my hurts from his behaviors.  He was initially SO kind, telling me that he wanted to hear me, that he knew he had hurt me many times, he loved me so much and didn't fully know the extent of the hurts, etc.  We then had several back and forth loving emails for 2 days, then suddenly I got the final one from him where he said he was trying to "not pedal so hard" and that we should do a "book" study on relationships and then I could "break the cycle" and "we" would understand the "essential aspects of my being."  Huh?

That was the end of the 2 1/2 year, very dysfunctional relationship. I continued seeing the counselor on my own for processing the breakup and  what had happened over the course of the relationship.  BPDbf was going on his own as well.  Over the course of the next 2-3 months, I was hearing through the counselor that my ex wanted to meet with me at least once more.  The counselor told me it might be good for the purpose of closure and we could have the meeting with "no strings attached."  I finally agreed to it as long as it was in the presence of the counselor.  Well guess what... . suddenly BF flipped the switch on me and said he wouldn't meet with me, he had heard that I was on the "dating scene" and he had thought that all the time we had been apart that I was "in my bathrobe, curled up in a fetal position, crying my eyes out" and that I owed him an apology.  The counselor said he asked him if he had been dating others, to which my ex said he had a "few" times. (OK for him, but not me I guess.)  The counselor's final words to me was that my ex "has a big learning curve" and though the final meeting wasn't going to happen, this was the clarity that I needed.  I told counselor that this behavior from my ex was crazy and his comment - "It really is."  All of us on this board certainly know the truth of those words, don't we?