Massive, scary realization

[mango_flower]

Something has just hit me like a thunderbolt.

The fact that actually, I am way more broken than I thought.  

I woke up AGAIN this morning with massive anxiety.  And I realized that actually, this is not to do with anybody but me.  And this was not caused by her leaving.

Just as I served a purpose for her, she did for me too.

I was a bit broken before, she fixed me and made me feel safe and loved.  Only person who has ever done that.  And now she's gone, I am back to that familiar place.  This is not new, this is not caused by a relationship break up.  This is the real me.  Scared, anxious, unsafe in this big old world around us.  Confused, not knowing what I want.  Where is my life going?  Thoughts we all have from time to time.

Yet her constant face-paced speed of life, although made me feel anxious in itself, was a different kind of anxiety.  I often wondered if it was moving to fast, and was this meant to be my life pasth? But it felt right, and I felt safe.  The doubts weren't really doubts, more just wonderings, as in "So is this what it feels like to be in love?  God I love her so much. But wow, I just didn't think I'd get all these things!  Is this what my life was supposed to be like?  I like it, I'm glad it's turned out this way".

So she fixed a massive hole in me, being there for somebody else and trying to fix them   distracted me from my own issues I guess.

This scares me so much, as I'm more broken than I realised.  The chronic feeling of emptiness I'm feeling now is familiar. It's what my whole life has been like, even though on the surface I'm a confident, funny, friendly, dynamic person who goes on cool trips, travels abroad and does other things that people are envious of.  But I'm still the same old broken me.

It's great I have realised this, as it explains why I allowed myself to be swept up in it all.

But at the same time, it's terrifying.

She is the only one who has ever really "got it".  The only one who has ever rescued me.  I guess we saved each other.  And I'm not BPD as I am far too introspective and I don't act in ways that'll hurt people.  It scares me to think that my BPD ex is the only one who has ever really understood me... .

EDITED to add:  I think this explains why our bond was so deep - trauma bond - we felt like it was us against the world, that was far too big and scary a place for us... . neither of us ever felt like we belonged, but we belonged to each other.  God, I do miss her... . (the her I had, that version of her, whatever it was... . )

[really]

Mango Flower, yes there is something broken in us and we do have to look at why we stayed but I think we also need to cut ourselves some slack and give ourselves some of the love that we gave them.  We should be able to love ourselves with the kindness, patience, understanding and commitment that we gave them.

I have travelled to more than 50 countries, I made partnership in a big law firm at a pretty young age, I was considered an expert in my field, I have an interest in the world, and my family and my good friends think I am fun, friendly, with lots of interests... . when I split up with my ex my mother bought me a book called Exuberance - The Passion for Life because she said that's how I lived my life.

I now feel like an empty shell, I have very little passion for anything, and I get up each day wondering how in God's name I get my mojo back.   And it is a real struggle.

While I certainly have a lot to work on myself - it is up to me to change that, a big part of my struggle has been in simply not understanding how someone could treat another human being like that.

I struggle to cut myself slack but I see so much of myself in your posts and while I don't see it myself my family and friends think I am amazing - and my ex once did as well.

My ex told me more than once it was her and me against the world.  I believed it for a while.  But the bad side of her behaviour chipped away at my self belief, and she acted in a way that was just plain horrible.

it is not the narcissists who don't get the behaviour - it is the good people who trust, give commitment, show kindness and loyalty.

So as broken as you might feel (and God, I know that feeling) I hope you can direct some of those qualities that you clearly have towards yourself.   

[Take2]

I totally relate to these thoughts... .   I was very broken before I met my ex.  I knew I was broken but my head was in a place to find something to distract me rather than work on me... . well, I found it alright... .   and the reason for my massive heartbreak every time my absuvie ex broke up with me was partly because I could feel the weight of the fact that now I would only have ME to fix... .   he wasn't and isn't going to do it... .  

Although ironically, despite the fact that my dysfunctional r/s with my ex damaged me further, I am now finding the strength I finally needed to find in myself... . strength that I didn't know I had before - so in a way, as scary as it has been to truly look at myself to see what is so broken inside of me, it has been crucial for me to begin fixing my own brokenness to move forward every single day... .  

[charred]

Something has just hit me like a thunderbolt.

The fact that actually, I am way more broken than I thought.  

I woke up AGAIN this morning with massive anxiety.  And I realized that actually, this is not to do with anybody but me.  And this was not caused by her leaving.



I was a bit broken before, she fixed me and made me feel safe and loved.  Only person who has ever done that.  And now she's gone, I am back to that familiar place.  This is not new, this is not caused by a relationship break up.  This is the real me.  Scared, anxious, unsafe in this big old world around us.  Confused, not knowing what I want.  Where is my life going?  Thoughts we all have from time to time.


So she fixed a massive hole in me, being there for somebody else and trying to fix them   distracted me from my own issues I guess.

This scares me so much, as I'm more broken than I realised.  The chronic feeling of emptiness I'm feeling now is familiar. It's what my whole life has been like, even though on the surface I'm a confident, funny, friendly, dynamic person who goes on cool trips, travels abroad and does other things that people are envious of.  But I'm still the same old broken me.


She is the only one who has ever really "got it".  The only one who has ever rescued me.

EDITED to add:  I think this explains why our bond was so deep - trauma bond - we felt like it was us against the world, that was far too big and scary a place for us... . neither of us ever felt like we belonged, but we belonged to each other.  God, I do miss her... . (the her I had, that version of her, whatever it was... . )

The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... . leaving us a hole (or core wound if you like)... . that the pwBPD seems to fill. We go back and forth with our parents, get moralized from them and cuss them... . but have a lifelong attachment and find it hard to be without them, especially permanently... . and the breakups and pain of the r/s with the pwBPD... . is very much like that.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion.

Its our stroked ego, our false self buying in to a play,... .   then finding out the actor isn't the character in the play, but just some flaky actor or actress that is tired of performing and wants to move on to the next show with the next partner.

Which is pretty much what you said... . the anxiety you are talking about, sounds familiar to me, and may be the same kind of thing... . an attachment issue. Look in to "anxious attachment". You might want to take the schema therapy tests and see what they say (links are in the resources area or just look look for "schema therapy" ... . or pick up the book "Reinventing your Life" by Jeffrey E. Young... . he is one of the cofounders of schema therapy.) The gist of it, if you were not well attached early on, you can become anxious by nature... . and that type of anxiety is exactly what will help you have a trauma bond with someone... . in any event the book is great and while I am not disordered... . it did indicate a lot of fleas I could work on and how to do it, for about $15... . a bargain given the impact that stuff has on our lives.

Good luck... . suspect many, many of the folks on here are in same boat. I am pretty well over my exBPDgf, but the whole mess sure shined a light on my own issues.

[delusionalxox]

Your posts are always great and enlightening mangoflower- and I am very interested to read this because when I first read your story your ex DURING the relationship seemed an ideal  figure to you (correct me if I'm wrong) with her faults only revealed after she left you so abruptly and strangely.

It is no doubt really important to look at what the hell led us to fall in love with these people. Although the type like your ex who are not openly abusive, would seem to be able to 'fool' a lot of reasonably together people (as far as I can tell on here). As you know already, in my case ex was controlling, abusive, hysterical and hypocritical from the beginning of our relationship and I am going over history with a fine tooth comb every day thinking why? Why did I ignore the red flags? And the reasons are often things I don't really want to face  but do need to.

[clover528]

I understand exactly what you are saying Mangoflower. I have no sound advice to offer other than to be kind to yourself as you go through this process. I am sending you cyber hugs. I think we could all use one every now and again. Hang in there.

[xenia]

I understand exactly what you are saying Mangoflower. I have no sound advice to offer other than to be kind to yourself as you go through this process. I am sending you cyber hugs. I think we could all use one every now and again. Hang in there.

Agreed. Something similar happened to me this morning. I got a new phone yesterday, and I'm only giving the new number to people who have been in regular contact with me recently. I've had my old number for at least 5 years. I've thought about doing this for a long time, but I didn't want to make any rash decisions. Even though I'm still not totally sure this is the "right" decision, I'm following through. I haven't contacted my old carrier to cancel, and when I thought about it this morning I felt anxiety. For a second it was as if I couldn't breathe (I could, but something in me felt stagnant). I had a fleeting moment where I felt like I was alone in the world... . totally irrational since just yesterday I spent a whole day with tons of family and I've recently connected with a couple of longtime friends. I guess closing this door is making me feel this way. When the feelings came, I thought about not following through with cancelling... . and I immediately realized that I was looking to stop the pain of my pending decision. So I sat there and felt it. Like you, it was a moment of clarity, and I'm hoping it means I'm walking further along my path to healing. I can't see the end of the road, but I know I'll get there. As scary as my feelings were, there was a comfort somewhere. It's hard to explain.

[doubleAries]

The next realization is that she didn't "fix" you--she distracted you. That is why we jump at the chance to replace intimacy with intensity.

It's amazing (painful AND enlightening) in the moments when we take ownership of our own emotions instead of attributing them to someone else. Weird that it's so hard to do, because its the only thing that alleviates the unbearable sorrow.

[clover528]

Doublearies, Thank you! you just gave me a lightbulb moment. He distracted me. He didnt fix me. That was exactly what he did. He didnt save me from a bad time in my life. He changed my focus from my pain to his pathology. Thank you for this thread. For all the comments and insights. this really hit me.

[papawapa]

Here is the list of my issues I have identified since before and after my break up:

childhood abandonment

masochist

codependent

alcoholic/addict

adjustment disorder

[spaceace]

I would like to add some thoughts I had about this.

I too struggled with issue's pertaining to my FOO. And how it has affected my life. I am 48 years old, and after being in a relationship with a person who I am sure is BP, I can honestly look back at ALL my relationships and I know, I opened myself up to woman who were cut from the same mold. Over and Over again. And I know it goes back to my relationship with my father who was both physically and emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I spent my childhood trying to prove to him I was worthy. If I could be the perfect son, I would be loved.

If I could be the perfect boyfriend and husband, how could I NOT be loved! Right?

But this relationship I am coming out of with my wife, I have clearly seen that as my downfall in every relationship and woman I chose to be in a relationship with. I can clearly see, I was a complete rescuer. It wasn't as if I searched out woman to rescue, but without a doubt, I ended up with woman where it was the case.

So, now, after seeing clearly my FOO and my relational tools I have always applied, I can clearly make different choices. I also know, that when my father died some 20+ years ago, I made peace with a man who had limited resources to change who he was. I do not hold him accountable anymore. He is gone. I only have myself and this life and how only I can choose how to move forward and see myself.

I have wallowed in the loss of my relationship with my wife for months. I have kept the party line in my head playing over and over, the same thoughts, I was a good husband. I gave her everything. I sacrificed beyond what anyone should do. Yet... . I

[spaceace]

I hit a key and posted by mistake. I didn't finish my thoughts... .

I am alone... . again.

And here is the thing... . what space did I REALLY take up in this relationship? Not much?

What did I get out of it?

A lot!

I got a clear picture of my failings... . my failings to be true to who I am in this world. And I am not going to do that to myself anymore. I cannot allow myself to be a rescuer. I want an equal relationship with someone who wants the same with me. I will never ignore red flags. I will question motives. I will ask questions and go into another relationship with eyes wide open. And I will not blame my past for my present. My past is no different that a picture... . this is an analogy that helps me... . I can look at a picture when I was in my 20's and that is me... . but I am not that person anymore. Yes, who I was then helped shape who I am now. Warts and all! But I cannot touch that person anymore... . and I cannot touch my past anymore... . I can only move forward and be the best me that I can be today.

I wish you well Mango... . you deserve to give yourself some love and time and understanding... . and know, you are worth it... . Life is precious... . your life is precious and filled with meaning... .

You deserve everything you want and you can get all you want... . Give yourself a pat on the back and know you made it to today... . you are alive and are a good person... . rest in that... .

[mango_flower]

Thank you all 

The tricky thing is that I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm not broken in the same way my ex is broken.  I'm broken in that I feel I know too much now, and that I can't UN-know it. No matter how kind I am to myself, it doesn't take away the anxiety about life in general, the fear and mistrust and generally just feeling uneasy, like something bad is going to happen. 

I've tried CBT with a therapist - it just did nothing for me. Lots of different types I can try. But where to get that time and space to explore this - I don't know. I don't have spare money floating around, and there is nothing I can cut back on. She has left me in a lot of debt.

There is free "counselling" out there but to be honest they simply listen.  Well, I can talk to all of my amazing friends.  I just feel like I need one person to just "get" how I feel. Urgh. x

[delusionalxox]

Mango you come across as an extremely sensitive and reflective person. I get the whole thing about access to therapy, especially where we are in UK. It truly sucks... . and I am also on a public sector salary :D

to be honest the stuff on these boards is better than any of the crap I ever got given by a CBT therapist! 

I am doing self therapy. It's been incredibly painful but today I felt it pay off. I took on board things you have said and other stuff on the boards about looking at yourself first rather than them. I kind of shifted the focus away from him, to why I put up with him and kept going back, despite some quite extreme abuse and massive evidence of incompatibility. And I assessed a lot of stuff about what is broken in me, what I was reliving/ recycling myself.

It is really not pretty. But I have to deal with it, his coming in to my life has taught me this.

I think the fear etc is a bit of PTSD. She traumatised you. Ripped away all the 'covers' as it were.

[mango_flower]

Thanks Servalan

I know a lot of people here on these boards believe in finding a good therapist - but the whole system is so different here in the UK! It's just not affordable when you're in debt, and general counsellors just don't get it!  I agree, this place is a Godsend

When I had CBT, it actually made me worse. By batting away the thoughts, they ended up getting stuffed down and I stopped sleeping, was anxious, shaking, lost weight... . I do better through processing!

I'll get there... . we all will x

[doubleAries]

I distinctly remember a time when it finally hit me---I was feeling sorry for myself that I kept winding up with self serving jerks who used me and then left when there wasn't anything left to take. Then WHAMMO! Finally the thought "so why are they attracted to me and why am I attracted to them?"

Not like I had repressed memories from my horrific childhood with my Sadistic Personality Disorder w/borderline features mother and my NPD alcoholic/addict child molester father--I remembered it all too clearly. Just didn't see any connection between then and now.

And not that my truly slimebag parents "caused" me to be the way I am as much as the childish (uh, I was a child after all) adaptive/coping mechanisms I developed to try to correct and overcome my crappy life as a kid. Mechanisms I practiced over and over (even though they didn't actually work) until they became ingrained patterns (also known as unconscious behaviors).

And then growing up and using conscious goals to try to overcome unconscious patterns (that I wasn't even really aware of--um, yeah, that's why they are called "unconscious"!)

But even after having this   moment, I entered yet another destructive relationship--and this time, despite my determination to do otherwise, I went all out. I married a guy diagnosed at the time as "paranoid schizophrenic with manic depression" (because he doesn't have hallucinations, his diagnosis has since been changed to bipolar 1 mixed with psychotic features (paranoid delusions), ASPD, and NPD). NOW we're talking! Here's someone who REALLY needs my help! Look at all the rescuing I can do here! (while conveniently being distracted from my own issues!)

We were just divorced last month (after 18 years) and at this point (48 years old) I understand that I am not fit for a relationship until I deal with my OWN issues. I am not to be trusted. And until I am to be trusted, there will be no dating or relationships.

How come it is that we all notice the pwPD's just JUMP right into relationships (or some twisted version thereof) and conveniently forget that it takes two to tango on that front? They can't jump into a relationship with a firmly unwilling partner, can they? No--we want to be distracted from our own issues, and the drama queen PD folks are just the ticket! Plus, BONUS! we can try again and again to resolve the unresolved issues with our FOO's (using, of course, the same methods that didn't work then and--SURPRISE!--still don't work now!)

Here's an interesting video I came across today about codependency, counter dependency, and Dependent Personality Disorder www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4P05S2QtwQ

It was helpful to me and hopefully is helpful to some of you.