Hard time not being defensive

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know you are suppose to use I feel messages and I hear you saying and communication like that.

But when tone of voice alone, instantly makes me defensive as though I am being attacked I can't help but respond with defensiveness.

My husband with BPD left to go visit daughter this morning. Everything was fine until he started treating me like I didn't know anything around the house and that it would fall apart if he left. I know I should have just listened to him but when he asked if I closed this one thing I checked I responded sarcastically and said no I didn't screw the nut back on I just threw it across the yard what do you think? (that was after he had already went step by step on a bunch of other stuff, my patience was gone)

Of course he responded back with rage at that and I thought why can't I control myself better.

It is just soo hard to be perfect all the time, to always be patient and have the right responses, no matter what they say, how tired you are, etc.

Does anyone else just pretend to agree and plan to do something else?  For instance, I work full time in the summer long days, he works part time, we are both semi-retired. We have large yard and takes 2 1/2 hrs or longer (especially if you don't know how to use equipment) to mow, we have riding lawn mower.  Seems like it should be easy but this one area that is on a heavy slant feels the entire time like I am going to fall over to the side the whole time I am on it and scares me.

I have tried to communicate this and he just says never happened to me, but I am thinking he weighs more than me.

So he wants me either before or after my 8 hr day at work to mow lawn every 3 days or on day off. I have a neighbor guy in early 70's who has mowed for us before and says he is bored and doesn't mind at all.  I plan in a few hours to go over and ask him to mow for me. Offer to buy him and wife dinner.

The whole reason I didn't say it to husband is I know he would explode because he wants me to do it and not bother neighbors. 

I hate not being able to communicate any type of problem at all.  I find myself over the years becoming more codependent because its easier and calmer to take care of things than to try and have him help.

I know we are suppose to let them fix their problems to grow but I hate the raging…I hate the anger.

The other day he freaked out about getting lost, he drives taxi part time and sometimes has to go way into mountains to trail heads that are hard to find and no cell service. This particular one was 22 miles up small roads from a lake, high elevation.

Part of me said, let him work it out, but the other part the part that wants to settle him down fast, went to my hiking sites and printed out perfect directions and he calmed down and even had great time with hikers on trip.

[nodoover]

I know you are suppose to use I feel messages and I hear you saying and communication like that.

But when tone of voice alone, instantly makes me defensive as though I am being attacked I can't help but respond with defensiveness.

My husband with BPD left to go visit daughter this morning. Everything was fine until he started treating me like I didn't know anything around the house and that it would fall apart if he left. I know I should have just listened to him but when he asked if I closed this one thing I checked I responded sarcastically and said no I didn't screw the nut back on I just threw it across the yard what do you think? (that was after he had already went step by step on a bunch of other stuff, my patience was gone)

Of course he responded back with rage at that and I thought why can't I control myself better.

It is just soo hard to be perfect all the time, to always be patient and have the right responses, no matter what they say, how tired you are, etc.

Does anyone else just pretend to agree and plan to do something else?  For instance, I work full time in the summer long days, he works part time, we are both semi-retired. We have large yard and takes 2 1/2 hrs or longer (especially if you don't know how to use equipment) to mow, we have riding lawn mower.  Seems like it should be easy but this one area that is on a heavy slant feels the entire time like I am going to fall over to the side the whole time I am on it and scares me.

I have tried to communicate this and he just says never happened to me, but I am thinking he weighs more than me.

So he wants me either before or after my 8 hr day at work to mow lawn every 3 days or on day off. I have a neighbor guy in early 70's who has mowed for us before and says he is bored and doesn't mind at all.  I plan in a few hours to go over and ask him to mow for me. Offer to buy him and wife dinner.

The whole reason I didn't say it to husband is I know he would explode because he wants me to do it and not bother neighbors. 

I hate not being able to communicate any type of problem at all.  I find myself over the years becoming more codependent because its easier and calmer to take care of things than to try and have him help.

I know we are suppose to let them fix their problems to grow but I hate the raging…I hate the anger.

The other day he freaked out about getting lost, he drives taxi part time and sometimes has to go way into mountains to trail heads that are hard to find and no cell service. This particular one was 22 miles up small roads from a lake, high elevation.

Part of me said, let him work it out, but the other part the part that wants to settle him down fast, went to my hiking sites and printed out perfect directions and he calmed down and even had great time with hikers on trip.

[Valentina]

Hi noodoover,

I don't have the answer to this but would love to know myself. I too, get defensive, and can't help but reply to my uBPD husband with sarcasm. It is so hard not to take things to heart sometimes. I wish I didn't have to bite my tongue all the time and not be able to defend myself.

The last time my husband had a go at me via email, I replied by telling him I wanted time-out. Otherwise, I would have replied with a smartass answer and caused another fight. That seemed to work. But then again, we are currently living separately, so who knows if will work if living with him. 

[Clearmind]

Nodoover, when we defend against criticism, by reacting rather than responding, we give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted.

There are ways to handle blame and accusations like “You do nothing around the house etc”. First is emotional – do you honestly believe that to be true? You know it’s not true however we don’t need to defend or explain the reasons why we believe that – we cannot change another persons mind especially a pwBPD who is currently projecting. Secondly, its physical – if a boundary needs to be set and you are uncomfortable with his accusations say so ‘Hubby, I will not listen to this accusation and blame – if you choose to continue rather than talk calmly I will leave the room’. Always make sure you follow through otherwise the consequence becomes empty.

Nothing good comes from escalating our responses – pwBPD will flare as quickly as they calm down – don’t engage.

Nodoover, can I also suggest you do a little soul searching into your Family of Origin to see where your feelings of hurt stem from and why Hubby pushes your ‘I’m-not-good-enough’ button.

[hoping4hope]

Totally get the lawn mower issue!  I also mowed a large lawn where a part of it felt like I was going to fall over when I mowed it and there was no neighbor to help. Really wish there had been - would have made them dinner in a minute.  I ended up mowing that part at a 45 degree angle instead of straight up the rise.  In fact I tried to always mow up that incline because that felt better then going down the incline.  It is a creepy feeling no doubt about it.

You are making logical choices for yourself.

Your fear of falling over is just as valid as any fears he has... .

[mybabyssick]

I too have this same issue of being criticized repeatedly, I never stood up for myself in fear of him exploding. He constantly nags, nags, nags about the way I fish, cook, etc. Finally I spoke up and said, " honey when you do those things it makes me feel not good enough and I don't feel like I can do anything right." He flew off the handle anyway. And then wouldn't speak to me. I've had the silent treatment with intermittently bouts of yelling at me for something we "have to" discuss during his Silent treatment toward me. Without his apology and then the silent treatment I truly do feel not good enough.

Mybabyssick

[beginnersmind24]

Nodoover, I completely understand where you're coming from. I wish to god I could control my feelings better when my BPDbf makes accusations, is unfairly judgmental, demanding... . I guess I don't have to list his behaviors here since you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I can stay calm and try responding with love and concern. Whether or not this works depends on the both of us: how long I can hold out hearing cruel things and whether or not he's in a place to respond to my feelings instead of reacting.

Intellectually I know that he doesn't mean the things he says when he gets like that and often it's glaringly obvious that he's just projecting. I know what the right course of action would be, as Clearmind described so eloquently. But in that moment it hurts so much and feels so wrong and unfair that its like I won't feel ok until he accepts reality and empirical fact and apologizes. I totally feel mybabyssick on that one. But this approach never works. Unless you consider fighting it all the way through until the non is completely broken down and the BPD apologizes to be working.

I think there's a part of me that's always angry at him. When small things happen like your lawn mower incident, it doesn't feel like that incident, it feels like a continuation of the last week and the last month and the last few years, you know? I hate the raging too. It's so overwhelming and stressful and it creates that awful fight or flight feeling where you feel like you could curl up, cry for a while and sleep for days after its over.

We broke up for six months and just got back together in April. I brought a new perspective into the relationship of feeling independent and in control of my own life. Now I feel sucked in again like I can't escape that heavy feeling like I have no power over my life? How can someone renew that perspective? What can be done to really remember and accept that we aren't in trouble, didn't do anything wrong and aren't obligated to be yelled at or accused of weird stuff? I wonder.

[lostandunsure]

Sorry, I don't have many suggestions... . But I totally understand what you're going through. I go through the same thing... . Why do I always have to just accept criticism, especially baseless criticism? For the vast majority of our marriage I've done the dishes the laundry, the yard work, etc. Recently she's been trying to help more, which I appreciate, but there are disadvantages to that. She now "owns" the laundry and dishes. If she goes into a slump, and I step in to make sure things get done, even at her request, I'm going to do them "wrong". I'll put the silverware in the wrong spot, I'll put laundry away somewhere she didn't expect. Suddenly, I find myself being lectured on how to do something that I did perfectly competently for years and being told that her way is better. If I defend myself, state that I've been doing it for some time and I might know what I'm doing and that there are actual advantages to my way, heck, if I even frown when she she's "informing" me that I've done it wrong, that will start an argument (You never listen to me, You think you're better than me, etc). I don't even bother with sarcasm anymore, she doesn't get it, especially when she's "in a mood".

So, I just smile, say, "I didn't think about it when I did it, I'll try to do better in the future." I then do it whatever way I think is best, because next time, if she's in a good mood, she won't even notice. This is often very hard to do, especially when I'm tired or drained myself, because I do want to stand up for myself when I know I've done nothing wrong and don't really deserve a lecture... . But I try to remind myself, that a lecture is easier to deal with than an all night argument.

I do think that you should be able to contact your neighbor for help. If they are OK helping out with the lawn for the cost of a dinner, I think it's totally worth it. It sounds like it's a win/win scenario, they get to do something for a neighbor, and you get your lawn mowed without having to deal with the incline. I'd love for someone else to mow my lawn!

[longing4life]

I also deal with this struggle on a daily basis.  I try my hardest not bto be defensive, but my brain just wears down and I feel like I need to voice my opinion or stand my ground sometimes - even though I know the outcome!  My BPD husband now takes his anger out on our children if I make him mad (which I HATE) but now my children are always telling me to stop acting how I am and I hope that it's just to calm down the fighting.  I try to talk to them about why I say what I say and my 15 year old son still believes it's all my doing!  IS IT ALL MY DOING?  I just made an appt. with a psychiatrist to have an assessment.  I know my BPD husband would never go because he's honestly convinced that I am the one with a problem... .   even though our marriage counselor pointed out to him that he may be borderline.  I can't go anywhere with my friends and he does what ever he wants.   If I try to ask questions about anything, he immediately thinks I am trying to catch him in a lie.  If it's a question about something pointless... . he says that I always think his opinion is wrong and I need to stop implying that he's stupid -  why he wasn't here when he said he would be, it turns into "I never said I would be here then."  He has this weird way of twisting everything around.  I always lose the battle.  I have even tried to record the fights we have so I can try to prove that the things he says are twisted but he has started taking my phone (and money) away as soon as he knows I might be recording.  Is it wrong for me to try and record these things?  I feel like I have to because he says if I ever leave him - he will lie, cheat and he'll will do whatever it takes to make sure that I never see my kids again.  He tells me that HE ALWAYS WINS, HE WILL NEVER LOSE!  This is so emotionaly draining!