My first real test using the lessons, I failed.

[emotionaholic]

Spark + Fire + Gasoline = Misery

I really think I did it all wrong.  There has been an ongoing issue in my relationship with my BPDgf.  I have a very close friend from college who I have been friends with for 20 years.  I consider him and his wife like family.  Three years ago when my relationship with my gf was just getting started I had gone over to my friends house to play cards and drink wine.  My friend had to work late so it ended up being just his wife and I.  GF of a month went into a rage called me every name in the book and did not speak to me for a couple of weeks.  That was just the beginning of 3 years worth of accusations of cheating and hatred towards my friends.  The mere mention of there names caused a raging fight, causing me to hide my friendship with them.  Which then has lead to major trust issues.  If I tell my gf that I talked to them we get into a fight, she describes my friendship with them as scummy and hates them with a passion, if I dont tell her that I talked to them then I am hiding things.  Most of our "breakups" have been a direct result of my friendship.  For the record My friends are good solid people and I value their friendship very much.

Fast forward to the present.  GF and I had just been getting back on speaking terms after yet another breakup, which is when her T informed me that she had BPD, though she has not been told yet.  Part of the breakup was due to the fact that at my bday party I had lent my friends wife a sweatshirt because she was cold.  During the month of silence I had invited my friends to spend the day on my sailboat during a large waterfront music festival.  At the time I assumed that I may never here from my GF again so I was working on rebuilding friendships that I had abandoned.  With the time rapidly approaching, ok I stalled till the last second, that my friends were going to be on the boat, which has always been a very special thing I shared with my GF even had our first date there, I was nervous and scared to tell the GF.  After having a great day with her and having gone over in my head how to tell her, working on transparency, and reviewing the lessons I finally came out with it.  Here is how it went.

"honey I have to tell you I feel like a heel right now.  I know I did not invite you on the boat for Sunday but I had invited so and so awhile ago and friend took the day off from work.  You are welcome to join us but I just wanted you to know."

GF did not say anything but I knew she was pissed.  she went inside and started cleaning her apartment.  I followed suit and helped straighten up another room, letting her have space.

An hour goes by and she was just ignoring me.  Finally we are sitting down and I say, hoping to validate, " I know you are upset right now."  Silence.  5 more minutes "do you want to talk about it."  Silence.  10 more minutes, this whole time I am tying to remain emotionless, "would you like me to leave."  "Yes I would like you to leave right now and dont ever call me again.  Ever."

I did not get the rage I was expecting, the calmness in her scared me even more.  I went over to her chair got down on my knee and put my hand on her leg which she pulled away from and told her " I am sorry"  "no your not"  " Listen I love you very much I dont want to leave I am very sorry I am working on being more transparent hoping to rebuild trust.  I love you Im not going anywhere (meaning leaving the relationship) I want you in my life and to be with you."  She just stared at the wall and I left.

I feel like I blew the whole thing when I started with "I know I did not invite you I invited so and so"

This stuff is so hard.  The lessons, validation, SET which I was chanting in my head, and not JADEing.  I just feel like I through gasoline on the fire except instead of blowing up I am scared it, the relationship, went out.

I dont think I will here from her for weeks or months possibly ever.  How could I have handled that situation better.  What can I do from here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shamrock]

The # 1 rule in a BPD realationship is "LOOK AFTER YOURSELF"

I assume you have been on an airplane to hear the safty speel "put the O2 mask on yourself first" When the caregiver gets pulled down they are no help to anyone when needed.

having said that the next thing is limits "love me love my dog"

She feels threatened by your friends but a BPD can suck you emotionaly dry about anything.

PS this is comming from someone who is an fighter for staying having been married to dBPDw for 38 yrs

[VeryFree]

Rough.

I think that after she said "Yes I would like you to leave right now and dont ever call me again.  Ever.", you shouldn't have apologized. There wasn't a reason to and I think you crossed your own boundary.

One option could have been that you once more stated that you understand her being upset and that you want to give her the space she wants, but are going to call her/meet her to talk about it in (a few hours/a day/two days). And of course contact her at that moment.

Mind you: I'm not familiar with these tools in real life. I was kicked out of my house before I learned about BPD and these boards 

[emotionaholic]

Thanks Shamrock

It is encouraging to know some people can be married for 38 years to a pwBPD.  Hats off to you.  I have been fighting for this relationship for 3 years now.  I just found out about BPD last month and have so much to learn.  I have had some good conversations with my SO in the last couple of weeks, that we have been talking again, about how I am working on myself and taking a serious look at the changes in how I respond.  Basically taking responsibility for my 50% of the relationship and she has told me that I seem different (in a positive note).  I know that I am very new to this and have a long way to go.

I am trying to take care of myself, hence why I did not uninvite my friends.  I know she is threatened by them for reasons I dont understand and wish she could at the very least accept that they are my friends and that I don't expect her to like them.

"Love me love my dog"  How do I set limits around this?

She has no friends and comes from a broken family.  There are other friends of mine that she dosent care for and does ok with my family, but has singled out this particular friendship to hate with a passion that has no limit.  It has been probably the largest road block in our relationship and the only issue that has never had a two sided discussion.  Simply hatred.

[united for now]

You actually did fairly well 

As you say, this is a hot topic for her, so nothing you could ever say would make her jump up for joy and agree with you. The truth was going to be painful, no two ways about it. Now it is up to her to figure out how "she" wants to deal with her feelings. You can't make this all better for her. She has to work on her own feelings in her own way. That is what healthy people do.

Have you read about SET? It's a great communication tool/format. 

As for setting limits around it?

You don't have to set boundaries around it in a punitive way. What you have to do is live your life and include people in your life that bring you happiness, peace, and support. This is a critical part of Taking Care of Ourselves .  If you allow her to dictate who you can see and who you can't you will wind up alone and controlled by her jealousy and her personal demons.

Invite them to join you in activities. Go visit them or speak with them as often as you wish. When she attacks you about not telling her, you can use SET to let her know "that she is important to you and that you understand that she doesn't care for these people - AND that they are also an important part of your life and that you will continue to keep them in your life." This shifts the burden back onto her to deal with her own feeling regarding them. It isn't your responsibility to make her feel good about them. It's up to her to decide if she can love you and accept these people as part of your life.

She is going to feel threatened by many of them - and that isn't your problem - it's hers.


Here is an adorable video that puts things in perspective

www.youtu.be/z-wyaP6xXwE

Now I am NOT saying that our loved ones are demons, though we often act afraid of them... . the demons are her thoughts and her beliefs. She then uses fear and intimidation against you to control you so that her fears and her demons don't consume her... . they wind up consuming "you" instead... . classic projection.

[emotionaholic]

Thanks United for now.  I needed the words of encouragement.  During the silence my mind was racing about using SET.  Support, I was drawing a blank.  Empathy, everything I could think of to empathize would be admitting I had done something wrong.  And truth, to quote from the movies "You Cant Handle The Truth."

Silence is the lack of communication.  Without a response from her I can not respond.  Then felt stupid for possibly putting the idea in her head that I should leave, but going nowhere is just stuck.

Well I'm off to the boat to entertain my friends, though I'm not in a chatty mood right now.

[waverider]

I also agree, for someone who is just coming to terms with this you did remarkably well.

The tools will not always work, even if you get it 100%, which we rarely do anyway.

The results are not always immediate

There will always be a lash back (extinction burst) when you first stop being that doormat

Chin up, you are looking after you. That is the point, not primarily to pander to her needs. You are looking for the best available consequence for you, rather than the ideal result that you would wish for but may not be achievable

[Blazing Star]

Thanks United for now.  I needed the words of encouragement.  During the silence my mind was racing about using SET.  Support, I was drawing a blank.  Empathy, everything I could think of to empathize would be admitting I had done something wrong.  And truth, to quote from the movies "You Cant Handle The Truth."

Silence is the lack of communication.  Without a response from her I can not respond.  Then felt stupid for possibly putting the idea in her head that I should leave, but going nowhere is just stuck.

Well I'm off to the boat to entertain my friends, though I'm not in a chatty mood right now.

SET can be tricky to master, keep it simple.

Support = let her know that you are here for her, you love her

Empathy= let know you understand how hard it is for her

Truth= Your Truth. Let her know that this friendship is important to you, and it will remain so.

[emotionaholic]

It is so hard in the face of hatred and anger to remain calm.  Normally she would have gone into a rage and the inevitable hours long fight would have happened.  I don't know if her being calm during this was a good sign or not.  The silence is something I am accustomed to, the rage and anger I am accustomed to, but her calmly saying "don't ever call me again, you did this, don't ever try to reconcile" left me bewildered.

Thank god I have a scheduled appointment with her T tomorrow.  I am resisting the urge to contact her.  She did ask me a couple of weeks ago if I could please help her brother, the only person in her family she has any contact with, fix an unsafe railing at his house this next weekend.  She never tells anyone about our "break ups."  I don't know her brother and his family very well, only 6 or so interactions in the last 3 years, but still plan on helping him out.  I don't want to add any more fuel to the fire though.

[coasterhusband]

I'll add my own note of support in here: for getting started on this, you did remarkably well.

Here's the trick in these situations (and this is coming from someone who knows what to do, but struggles with my own issues to let myself do them): STOP ASKING.

First let me say, you had a very reasonable statement you started with. As long as you are presenting in a fair, SET based way, you are doing the only and best thing you can. She IS going to react negatively NO MATTER HOW you say it or WHAT you say. Let me repeat that: She's going to react how she's going to react, and any difference in language are minor. Sure, you can avoid specific triggers and you can be more or less respectful, but as other say, take care of yourself. Say what you need to say.

Then the real work comes!

Rather than asking every 5 or 10 minutes, ask once, then wait for her to engage. When she's huffing and stomping around, when she's giving you the silent treatment, you're dealing with the toughest part of the non-BPD experience: not trying to solve the problem.

See, you can't solve it. Ever. You can protect yourself and you can try to downplay obvious triggers where that downplay doesn't conflict with protecting yourself. But when you ask a BPD person every few minutes open ended questions like " I know you are upset right now" or "what's wrong?", IMHO you're just reviving the internal pain they're struggling through.

I'm a better critic here than I am implementer. I'm trying to stop myself from doing that. The fact that she can't have a conversation about anything even a tiny bit difficult without raising her voice to/at/near me drives me insane. It's one of my biggest triggers. But I'm working hard to focus past that volume rather than letting it set me off. I'm also working hard to bite my tongue when, in my desire to jump in and immediate fix the obvious problem, I want to ask "What's wrong?"

The fact is, there is absolutely NO logical or reasonable answer she will give you. And when you open the door for discussion about nonsense, nonsense will prevail.

Hang in there.

[emotionaholic]

Thanks Coasterhusband

As I feel I failed using the tools and lessons I guess maybe I did alright.  Sitting there for a half hour with her periodically looking at me with discuss and trying to read me, I was doing my absolute best to be blank, was torture.  I kept telling myself to remain calm, let her sort it out, SET SET SET how do I do this.  I really wanted to leave.  I hate the silence so much.  If I were at my house I would have found something else to do, mow the lawn weed the garden talk to my neighbors, but sitting there in utter silence with nowhere to go is hell for me, I dont like apartments much I get a bit claustrophobic.  That was actually the first time in 6 months that she had lived there that I was going to spend the night at her place vs mine, something I realized had been causing some resentment from her and I was working on.

How does one deal with the silent treatment? 

[united for now]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.msg688356#msg688356

workshop on silent treatment

The best thing to do is to carry on with your life.

Don't chase after them trying to get the to speak with you.

Don't beg them to tell you what is wrong, or why they are upset/mad.

Don't cancel all your appointments to keep them company.

Don't wait by the phone for them to contact you.

Don't stalk their facebook page or inquire from friends how they are doing.

Live your life.

When your partner is ready they will reach out to you.

Remember, the pouting child returns sooner if they see others having fun.