uBPD Mother: Constant BPD episodes of rage and abuse, but very sick.

[TryingToLive]

Hi Everyone.

I live alone with my uBPD mother, who has been getting worse on a constant basis over the past while. She used to have episodes of rationality and being okay, but now it seems that she rarely gets to those phases. Almost everything she says either puts me down, discredits what I say, full out attacks me, or claims I am lying or manipulating things. My fiance just visited us for a week and he was barely able to cope with it because it was so draining. She treated him wonderfully most of the time, but actively reacted this way with me in front of him. When I wasn't in the room, she acted like the "concerned mother" who thinks I need help with problems and behaviours, telling him things to cause problems. When he wasn't present, I was attacked even worse and she sees everything that has happened in false ways. She will accuse me of preventing things from being done, of hating her, turning him against her, neglecting her, etc. and recounts the events that are "proof" of these things in ways that are not true. I would question my own memories and perspectives, except my fiance saw it too and knows she is wrong.

Even if I try to reason with her about little things (like what to eat for dinner) it can take hours and hours of going in circles, before we end up at the original suggestion I made, which she thinks I didn't want to begin with. There is absolutely no rational way to deal with her anymore. I don't know how to handle it.

Then, on top of that, she has been told she likely has cancer. The lumps in her lungs have started to grow. She will not go for treatment. She also has several other health problems that cause her to struggle with normal activities, yet she cries wolf so much that it is hard to tell when she legitimately can't do things like get her own food, or when she is just being BPD. She also threatens to call the police and have me arrested for abuse and neglect of a disabled person.

I am finding that I am quickly getting to the point that I don't care. I'm snapping at her more and generally not being as helpful around the house as I used to, because even when I try hard to be a good daughter, it gets twisted around into something bad.

I am currently in the immigration process so that I can move to the US to get married and should be leaving in the fall/winter (pending paperwork being approved). It took a lot, but I have been open with her about this and she is aware of me leaving. This caused a lot more raging at me, obviously, because I am the only person she has and am abandoning her.

Obviously with the new health news of cancer I talked to my fiance and things may be changed so that I can be with her through this tough time, but I don't really know how I can. I just can't reason with her anymore. Right now she has been raging at me for 5 hours and it's all I can do not to rage back and just tell her to deal with it on her own and walk out, with no more contact. If all my love and caring ever causes is her to discredit it (I have literally told her, in tears and desperation, that I love her, and she has told me i'm lying), then I seem to be stopping caring altogether.

I wanted to stay to help her sell the house (if not sold by October, she will lose everything), and she is so sick and dying, so morally I feel awful about wanting to walk away and leave her all alone. But I don't know how else to handle it.

Therapy is not an option. I cannot afford it and it takes 6-8 months to see a free one in my area (during which time I plan to be leaving anyway).

I don't even know what to expect from here. Advice? Support? Someone who can relate? She needs help, but refuses it and I have tried options to force it, which failed. She lives in a very confused, irrational, BPD (and likely narcissistic) world and seems to have detached from reality completely at this point. Only brief moments where she seems okay, but they are so quickly backtracked and forgotten.

I just... . it's not fair. :\

[Kwamina]

Hi TryingToLive,

You're right, it isn't fair at all that you're being treated this way by your own mother but unfortunately it is what it is. I can relate to many aspects of your story, like the way she twists things and makes false accusations. I can see how her current health problems make it harder for you to leave. Are you the only relative she has? If you decide to postpone your leaving to the US during her sickness, do you see any possiblilities for you staying somewhere else than with your mother? That way you could still take care of her if and when you want to, but you wouldn't be subjected to her hateful BPD behavior all the time.

[Calsun]

Hi TryingToLive,

I could relate to your situation, this feeling of needing to take care of mom, especially given her current health situation.  One of the family dynamics that always seemed to be going on without any validation from the nuclear or extended family, of course, was the borderline mother being terribly sick and disturbed and yet projecting the pathology onto me and others in the family.  I went for help to a counselor when I was very young, and she said to me, you need help you're a sicko. Now, who really was sick, who needed the most help?  I spent a lifetime trying to prove to her that I was OK, I was a good, lovable person, and guess what it never worked.  One of the issues for me when I decide whether to help my mother with something, today, is to think if I am still trying to prove my value or worthwhileness to an uBPD mother who will use my longing for her love and approval as a way of manipulating me and inevitably see me as sick and bad, anyway.  That's the twisted reality of her psyche.  That is sad that that kind of labeling and abandonment and manipulation came from my mother.  But now that I see that she is clearly an uBPD I can start to accept that and not seek after love and approval from someone incapable of giving it and learn how to set boundaries.  And if the feeling of self-condemnation comes in for not doing enough for my mother or if I sense accurately, not just projecting, judgment from extended family or others for not taking care of my poor, poor mother, I can be aware of how the manipulations of the uBPD work. And I can choose to not be manipulated by it, to either act on her behalf or not, or possibly find others to help or employ aides to help.

But it's hard to have a mother like that.  I understand it.  It's painful, frustrating and unfair. 

The Best,

Calsun

[zone out]

Hello TryingToLive

I feel so sorry for you - I go through episodes of extreme rage with my mother but generally these are well spaced out by several weeks and she can be fine in between.  Sounds like you are subject to much more frequent abuse and yes it is most unfair.  I am very new to this site but I have found it enormously helpful to read what other people are going through - there are so many similarities, and to gain an understanding of the BPD condition.  Previously I have always felt that I was going through this nightmare on my own but now I feel much less isolated.  The understanding that my mother has the condition has somewhat taken a lot of the heat out of everything - I think of her as more of a project now - I don't take any of her allegations personally.  I still have a lot of study to do on boundaries - my early attempts were not well received.  Of course it is more difficult when illness is involved - my mother has had a chronic illness for almost 30 years, but it still does not give them an excuse to treat us like dirt.  I know this now but I have been putting up with it all these years.

I wish you well, and hope you soon get the opportunity to make a fresh start with your partner. Good luck.

zone out









































must say a lot about your strength as a person 

[ScarletOlive]

TryingtoLive,

Living with a mother with BPD is really difficult. It is very hard when your character is attacked, your motives are questioned, and when she remembers events differently. I'm sorry she's been diagnosed with cancer.   Add in her disability and you've got your hands full. My mom has BPD, other mental health issues, is chronically ill and disabled too, and I lived with her up until last year, so I can relate very much.

One thing to keep in mind is that your thoughts, your feelings, your memories are completely valid and important. Furthermore, you are worthy and deserving of love, respect, and good treatment. It is honorable that you want to help your mother. While doing so though, you need to take care of yourself. When you communicate with your mother, what normally happens?

It's okay to stand up for yourself. Indeed, it's healthy, and there are healthy ways to do so. There's a few articles here that are really helpful: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

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