Why can't I get a backbone?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have read the books about dealing with the borderline partner. I read all about setting boundaries and not allowing them to manipulate and control. I was supposed to go to a baby shower this Saturday. I was looking forward to it because a lot of friends from work were going. H knew this. Come Saturday he decides we should go to a nearby park instead. He said the heck with the shower. We should spend the day together. I let him talk me into it instead of standing my ground and insisting on going to the shower. I fear the repercussions. His disappointment or anger. I don't know! Then my daughter asked me to go to a pool with her the next day and I already dread asking him about it. Why should I worry about spending time with our own daughter! How can I get a backbone!

[Linlu53]

I have read the books about dealing with the borderline partner. I read all about setting boundaries and not allowing them to manipulate and control. I was supposed to go to a baby shower this Saturday. I was looking forward to it because a lot of friends from work were going. H knew this. Come Saturday he decides we should go to a nearby park instead. He said the heck with the shower. We should spend the day together. I let him talk me into it instead of standing my ground and insisting on going to the shower. I fear the repercussions. His disappointment or anger. I don't know! Then my daughter asked me to go to a pool with her the next day and I already dread asking him about it. Why should I worry about spending time with our own daughter! How can I get a backbone!

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[Linlu53]

And he's buying yet another vehicle that we don't need! He keeps talking about it incessantly, asking me what I think. I have told him we don't need another car, that I don't think we should get it. But he just keeps going round and round about it. He tries to get me to say it is a nice car, then he can say I liked it so he's getting me this car! Keep in mind we have 7 vehicles! 3 of which have less than 10,00 miles on them. Why can't I put my foot down and say absolutely not! Don't think he would listen anyway! But I could at least try!

[Blazing Star]

Hi Linlu53,



You Can get a backbone! And you are in the right place to do it.

It just takes some time and some courage. It took me ages to get brave (and I still have plenty of moments when I fear expressing myself!). It gets easier.

I was talking to my T (therapist) last week about this, and she said something like emotional maturity means sticking to your path, no matter what the reactions around you, accepting the reactions, accepting your own fears, but not letting your fears stop you on your path.

I have been thinking about this a lot recently (I have a conversation that needs to be had looming over me like a storm cloud, and I am summoning up all the courage I can). She says the fear is there anyway, what will change once you have the conversation? Which is true.

I have really struggled with the fear over expressing my needs/desires. I think it is natural to have fear when you have been shut down in the past for expressing yourself. For me it got to the point where the resentment (on my part) was so bad that I had to change things, either that or leave.

Are you working with a T?

Are there some little boundaries, or ways you could try out putting your foot down over more trivial matters? Just so you can get some practice and feel confident with it?

Love Blazing Star

[united for now]

Fear can be an overwhelming feeling.

It can consume your thoughts and lead to some true physical aliments over time.

Fear keeps you trapped and stuck doing things that aren't healthy for you.

Examining that fear is a good place to begin.

Pick it apart, piece by piece.

What aspects are the worst?

How does your body feel when you are afraid?


Then turn it around and start to focus on what you are losing from being fearful.

What is the direct cost to you of being afraid?

Well, you mentioned you missed a baby shower that you really wanted to go to, and you may also miss going to the pool with your daughter. These are important events that you can't get back - and you are sacrificing them because of your fear.

When something is important to you you will do something about it.

It's about our Values

Start with something small first, and then as you gain confidence you can move on to bigger items.

One of the keys to remember though, is that nothing changes without changes... .

[Linlu53]

Last night I was watching tv with H and it was getting late and I wanted to go to bed. Figured I would try asserting myself. Yes, I get told when to go to bed and when to get up! So when I tried to go to bed h just kept yelling from the living room! Why do u hate me! What did I do to you! Why are u being mean! This went on and on. And I didn't even go to bed until 2:30 am! I work 3-11and I was beat! This morning the silent treatment.then he was projecting all his anger on to me! I just kept repeating I was just tired and wante to go to bed. But nothing appeases him. This is just a small example of trying to set a boundary! What could I do different?

[united for now]

One of the areas that I am learning is called "Acceptance Commitment Therapy" and it talks a lot about how our brain works. If you think about emotions, they are based on our thoughts. Think something happy and you feel happy. Think something sad and you feel sad. Think something frustrating you feel frustrated.

Our brain is constantly curning out thoughts. It NEVER knows when to shut up. One thought after another, jumping from subject to subject. You can also time travel in your mind, remembering past events and leaping forward to image future events. Our minds are busy machines. Which is the point, the thoughts that they push out are just that - "thoughts". They aren't reality in the sense that we know. They are just imagines and glimpses and dreams and fears all mingled up together. As soon as you have one thought it disappears and another one replaces it. Thoughts don't last... . they pass. The emotions that arise from our thoughts don't last either. They pass too, to be replaced by the next emotion from our next thought.

When you recognize that thoughts and emotions are fleeting snapshots of time out of a lifetime of moments, then you can gain some distance from your thoughts and emotions. After all, they aren't gonna stick around for long. They will soon pass. Horrible events happen to us, and we feel bad for awhile - then that feeling soon passes. Even when we are enjoying ourselves in a moment that we want to hold onto forever - it too passes. It takes a lot of effort to hold onto a feeling. You have to really focus on a thought to maintain it in your mind. We refer to this as grasping on tightly to a thought/idea. For many people, they grasp onto a painful idea and have a difficult time letting it go. They fear that their thoughts will come true, so they try to hold on even tighter.

What we want to learn is to hold onto our thoughts lightly. To notice them and let them go. Don't try to push them away or reject them. Just notice them and allow them to drift away... . cause what ever thought you just had is going to soon be replaced by another one. And another one. And another one. As long as you don't try grasping onto them, they will dissipate. Some thoughts may reoccur more frequently, due to a painful situation - but they won't be there forever. Over time they will diminish too and come less frequently. As long as you don't try to grasp them too tightly and hold them lightly instead.


So, after explaining all of that, the feeling you are having right now is most likely uneasiness and fear. Rather than trying to get rid of those feelings and thoughts by giving your H what he wants (which never makes things better for very long anyway), can you instead try to sit with your feelings and just notice them? Allow them to be there without grasping onto them? Cause they will pass in time, to be replaced by the next fear or worry - or better yet, they may be replaced by something good and positive - change... .

You see, nothing is going to change without changes... . and those changes are going to require you to act different and feel differently too. It's up to you if you are ready or not... .

[Linlu53]

Thanks so much for the input! It's a lot to digest. I'm new to facing this monster and I'm beginning to wonde if it would be easier to just maintain the status quo! Which is exactly why I find myself married for 35 years to uBPDh! I don't know why I go through periods where I feel I can't deal with it one day longer and at other times its not so bad. If my decision to leave would absolutely not affect anyone other than myself I would leave tonite! But there are so many others that I do not want to hurt or disappoint. Including my H! I need to learn so many skills that I don't know if I have the courage or fortitude to learn. One day at a time I guess. I'm dreading going home from work because of the way we left it when I left for work. He is mad and hurt. I apologized for not understanding what he wanted. But he just blows any apology off. Not sure how I will deal with this tonite.

[Linlu53]

Well, for all my worrying about this situation. I came home from my 3-11 shift and H wasn't home yet. He often works late as well. He never came home that night. Which did not worry me because I know he works like that because I used to help him and we often pulled all nighters on bigger jobs. Turns out he came home at 9:30 the next morning after helping our nephew reconnect all his sewer lines. Anyway, no mention at all of the fuss the day before and he was overly loving and kind to me! Wow! He prob didn't even remember all the stupid things he said! I really do need to learn that it isn't about me. And to not let his outbursts affect my day! To experience feelings and thoughts, but to let them go. It's gonna take some internal work. I need a T but am anxious about expressing my need for one to H! We had a MC for a little while which I could prob go to, just to talk all this out. But I'm sure that he is not well-versed in BPD.

[ltul]

Baby steps you are doing good just keep reading this sight and any books you can on BPD. A theripist could be a huge help for you just so you could have some validation for what you are going thru. I would really recommend one that is well versed in BPD. It has taken so much strength to get this far. Keep it up. It does get better the more you understand it isn't about you it is about them.