I want to stay…can I convince BPD wife to, as well?

[Hazelrah]

Hi all,

Just joined the site a few days ago and have ended up here on L4, at least for now.  My BPD wife, who is currently in therapy, recently blind-sided me with her desire for a divorce.  As I am very much in love with her (she states she still loves me as well), and our marriage is still shy of the two-year mark, this is not a direction I want our lives to take.  We have had a relationship sprinkled with stress, most notably due to deaths on each side of our family,  but we have a good marriage—in fact, when things are peaceful, she will be the first person to proclaim that our marriage is perfect and I am the most wonderful man she has ever known.   

Since her diagnosis some six months ago, I have made many attempts to research and understand her illness, so I am intimately familiar with splitting and many other attributes associated with BPD.  I have seen her split multiple family members, friends and, of course, myself on too many occasions to remember.  I feel as if she is most definitely splitting me black right now, though she insists she is not and resents any implication that her BPD might be driving her behavior.  However, during our current three-week separation she has already (1) admitted she really was splitting me and begged me to take her back, and (2) reverted right back to her initial feeling that a divorce is in order.  She says she feels ‘abandoned’ in our marriage, which seems telling to me, at least when considering she suffers from BPD.  I am not a perfect husband, but I am a good one—we are extremely affectionate, we are best friends, and I really do make every attempt to ensure she knows she is loved, especially when taking her special emotional needs into consideration.

I’m not sure what to do right now.  The house is slowly emptying of her possessions and I am losing little pieces of myself in the process.  I want her back in the worst way, if she does split me white again.  Yet on the other hand, what’s to say this does not happen again a year down the road, in the event she does actually come back?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

There is a stong push/pull dynamic to these relationships - right now she's pushing.  You really can't make her stay or do anything else.  Let her know how you feel and work on yourself is about all you can do.  Have you read the Lessons on this Board?

[Hazelrah]

There is a stong push/pull dynamic to these relationships - right now she's pushing.  You really can't make her stay or do anything else.  Let her know how you feel and work on yourself is about all you can do.  Have you read the Lessons on this Board?

I have begun to read the lessons on the site... . there is a wealth of good information there.  To be honest, I've read extensively on the illness ever since she was first diagnosed... . but there is some helpful info here I will be sure to take in.

[briefcase]

Understanding the illness is a big first step that we all take.  I think you best best right now is validation.  Make sure you read up about it and study the workshops on it in the Lessons.  When you communicate with her, be sure to validate her feelings a lot (even if you don't validate her facts). 

When you talk to her, how do the conversations go?  Are you able to talk to each other in a civil way, or does it get out of control?

[Hazelrah]

Understanding the illness is a big first step that we all take.  I think you best best right now is validation.  Make sure you read up about it and study the workshops on it in the Lessons.  When you communicate with her, be sure to validate her feelings a lot (even if you don't validate her facts). 

When you talk to her, how do the conversations go?  Are you able to talk to each other in a civil way, or does it get out of control?

Our conversations have been limited of late--we have not even spoken over the phone in a week, just e-mails and texts in which she limits the discussion to how I am going to go about providing her money, help her move things out of our house, etc.  I have tried to be as accomodating as possible.  I have slipped and told her I love her and I feel this whole mess is a mistake--not particularly validating, I know.  It's hard to validate what has suddenly grown from a storm into a typhoon... . I'll just have to try harder, I suppose.

[briefcase]

Just stick with validating her emotions as you hear them - and you need to actively listen for them.  Does she sound - Angry? Frustrated? Worn out? Depressed?  Anytime she shows some emotion in her communication with you, its an opportunity to offer some validation.

If she doesn't offer any opportunity, you can ask to talk to her and let her know how you feel (remembering that your mission is to validate emotions).

I feel for you, and wish I had a 12 point plan to get her to stay with you, but really all you can do is work on yourself. 

Are you eating right, exercising and getting sleep - these are also important things to do.

[Hazelrah]

Just stick with validating her emotions as you hear them - and you need to actively listen for them.  Does she sound - Angry? Frustrated? Worn out? Depressed?  Anytime she shows some emotion in her communication with you, its an opportunity to offer some validation.

If she doesn't offer any opportunity, you can ask to talk to her and let her know how you feel (remembering that your mission is to validate emotions).

I feel for you, and wish I had a 12 point plan to get her to stay with you, but really all you can do is work on yourself. 

Are you eating right, exercising and getting sleep - these are also important things to do.

I know it was a rhetorical question, but she does sound angry, frustrated, and worn out.  I don't suppose that is the proper mindset to have a clear-headed discussion.

I'm sleeping, with some difficulties... . I know these other things are important, just need to work back up to them again.

[Hazelrah]

Nearly a month into this, and it still shocks me as to how quickly a BPD can so thoroughly paint you black, blame you for all their unhappiness, and exaggerate or even completely re-write past histories between the two of you.  How could such a warm, loving woman turn so cold and hard, especially after all the support I gave despite being completely drained from whatever drama she was experiencing on a given day?

No contact has not been successful... . validation has not been successful... . all I get are cool accusations and demands for money that I have actually been fully compliant with, including paying for a vehicle I bought her barely a week before she walked out on our marriage.  Is this what our communication will be like from now on?  Is this the same person that pledged her undying love and friendship for me such a short time ago?

The lessons and stories here are certainly comforting--at least I know I'm not alone. 

[briefcase]

I'm sorry you have not had much progress in putting your relationship back together.  Maybe full compliance with her requests isn't the best route?  Can you start to impose some boundaries around finances, etc.?  What do you think?

[Hazelrah]

As we are still married, I feel an obligation to help support her somewhat, given the fact she is 36 and unemployed.  The requests have not been exorbitant, I guess my frustration is that this seems to be her main choice for conversational topics... . along with the fact that she continues to remind me the marriage is over, despite the fact I'm not trying to place any undue pressure on her. 

Perhaps this bitter behavior of hers will help speed up the healing process at some point.  This is simply not the person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.

[bruceli]

Understanding the illness is a big first step that we all take.  I think you best best right now is validation.  Make sure you read up about it and study the workshops on it in the Lessons.  When you communicate with her, be sure to validate her feelings a lot (even if you don't validate her facts).  

When you talk to her, how do the conversations go?  Are you able to talk to each other in a civil way, or does it get out of control?

Our conversations have been limited of late--we have not even spoken over the phone in a week, just e-mails and texts in which she limits the discussion to how I am going to go about providing her money, help her move things out of our house, etc.  I have tried to be as accomodating as possible.  I have slipped and told her I love her and I feel this whole mess is a mistake--not particularly validating, I know.  It's hard to validate what has suddenly grown from a storm into a typhoon... . I'll just have to try harder, I suppose.

Might want to think about setting up some boundries around these.  As of late, setting up up boundries such as those above have made quite a turn around for my PDw.  Atleast for now pretty much a complete 180 turn.

Briefcase put it well also above.

[Hazelrah]

Bruceli,

I've employed boundaries in better times, with limited success... . but I'm really spinning of late, so what sort would be applicable given the current circumstances? I am legally obligated in regards to providing some sort of financial support, etc., and I am split as black as can be as it is, so this feels like a potential powderkeg. 

What kind of boundaries did you employ, if you don't mind me asking?

[bruceli]

How are you legally obligated?  Other than possible joint debt that is?  Took names off of joint accounts, would not pay for "an apartment", wouldn't leave either.  Still slept in my bed... . she slept on the couch for a couple of nights and then returned on the third night.

[briefcase]

Hazelrah, this may sound counterintuitive, but you need to maybe worry less about her right now and start living the life you want to live (letting her know that, for now, you remain willing to reconile with her).

She's obviously working through some things in her life.  Let her do.  And let her see that you are working on a better life for yourself too - with or without her.  Living a strong life with boundaries will be better for both of you in the long run (if you reconile), better for you personally (even if you don't), and besides, it will be more attractive to her.  

Scrambling around to find the right things to do or say to win her back will not make her want to come back.    

[Hazelrah]

I'll admit to having accepted much of the legal drivel she's been feeding me (which has more likely been coming from her creepy sister who is also in the midst of an ugly divorce), which may or may not be tainted with half-truths or out and out lies.  That is coming to an end, as my feet dragging is stopping in regards to seeking legal advice. If my state's laws allow it, the 'gravy train' will be coming to an end.  I appreciate the level-headed responses you folks have been providing... . a level head is hard to keep in times like this.