Ashamed. How to get past the "How could he?" ?

[Newkate]

I often get caught up in the unhealthy pattern of thinking, "How could he?" "What have I done to deserve this?" "How could someone who loves me so much not seem to care that they hurt me so bad?" "Why do I keep putting myself back into this situation?"

I know that I really did not do anything to deserve this, but the thought goes further such as "What have I done to deserve to fall in love with someone with this disorder?"

I also know that it's not really the healthy him that is doing this, it is the unhealthy him. But then I wonder, how much of it is the disorder, isn't there any of it that he can control?

I know why I put myself back in this situation. He agreed to get help. He did, but I think he barely started scratching the surface of the problem. He was able to begin to understand the areas where he needed help. He told me he was doing it for himself, so that he could be healthy for me. That's why I gave him another chance. This is the first major set back in a year.

I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I can't seem to get out of this black hole of hopelessness. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, which helped for a bit. I have been in  therapy and on anti anxiety meds for the past year, but I still feel like I can barely function. Does anyone have any sort of advice? Everything hurts so bad.

[briefcase]

Hi newkate,

Are you living with him?  Dating? 

At some point to stay in these relationships we need to radically accept the person and relationship for what they really are (and aren't).  You believe he has BPD, which is a serious problem that won't be fixed overnight, if at all. 

Our partners have a lot of good and attractive qualities, which is why we were attracted and stayed in the first place.  It's pretty easy to wish they were always like that, but they aren't they have some pretty serious problems too.  To remain with them, we have to accept the limitations along with the good things.  His latest angry outburst, selfish behavior, double standard, etc. will not be his last. 

Have you looked at the tools we discuss on the Staying Board?  There is a lot of good stuff there.

[Newkate]

Hi briefcase. Thank you for replying.

We used to live together. For me, the honeymoon period lasted a little over a year. There were some things that happened in that year that I ignored, but then later learned they were red flags. After we lived together for about eight months, he started to dysregulate. There were three major times that stand out in my head.They were about a month a part. I didn't know what was going on so I would talk about it like it was a "meltdown that came out of nowhere." The third time this happened it was so bad he broke up with me. He turned into a completely different person. I moved out. We got back together about a month later when he agreed to start going to therapy.

Things were good for almost another year. This time last year is when the dysregulating started. This year it happened again. He broke up with me again. This time he did not paint me black, but seemed really depressed and down on himself. He told me things like "I can't do this with you currently. You'll find happiness again." He then left all of my things on my doorstep.

I don't know what to do or think or if I should contact him.

[waverider]

"What have I done to deserve to fall in love with someone with this disorder?"

Two major things often influence this, these combine to make you take the bait that others would pass over.

Deep down we are often at a time in our lives where we could do with a little validation, whether consciously or subconsciously. A pwBPD craves validation, so they sense this and immediately "bond" with it, they then pour feel good validation on you as that is what they want back themselves. To them validation is important. They then fill you with tales of woe, so that you then put on the rescuer hat (which also validates your sense of worth) and start validating back.

This is the basis of the early bonding and you are hooked.

Your need for validating is soon satisfied and you start then wanting a normal balanced RS. Their need for validation is not sated, it cant be, it is bottomless. Dramas and crisis are then created to try to draw more pitying and validation. The whole thing becomes unbalanced and the rot starts.

To survive this you have to disengage from the dramas and realize a lot of the early behavior was merely them mirroring what they thought you needed. Now it is about what they need.

They need you to be there as a rescuer, so all sorts of promises will be made to ensure you dont leave after they dump all over you. You dont, so this is the new acceptable standard. They dump on you, promise not too. You stay. The cycle is then reinforced as normal. Owning they have a problem does not fix it, as that then becomes a valid "excuse' and you are even more guilted into forgiving. You are feeling as though you are getting to the core of the problem, light bulb moments, but at the same time the difficulty in distancing yourself becomes harder as you accommodate them more as they appear to be trying.

The resentment and feeling of entrapment increases, and you can start to feel ashamed for allowing this to happen, but loyalty makes you stay because they are "trying". Pity also becomes part of the hold.

How to break this cycle? One way is start to separate your stuff from their stuff, so that you have your own independent self, and depend less on them.

Do not be afraid to leave then to deal with the consequences of their own behavior, rather than protecting and covering for them.

At the end of the day, all this is easier said than done, so dont beat yourself up when you fall short, we all do.

[oolia]

Wow, that is hard, isn't it?  The shame and self blame are so tough.  I'm divorced from my BPD and still working through that stuff. 

Eventually, I intellectually understood that his craziness wasn't about me. That I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment I got.  That all that stuff really wasn't my fault.

But emotionally, it sure felt about me, especially since he was telling me daily that "it" was about me (you know, everything was my fault because I was so selfish, never considered his needs, didn't respect him enough, didn't "hear" him, didn't do things the "correct" way, ad infinitum).  Since I am quick to look to myself first for fault, I swallowed much of that BS hook-line-and-sinker for a long time, and tried so hard to do "better" for him.  The old Eggshells dance... . it's exhausting, and it turns out you can never do enough, be enough, to stay out of the line of fire.

One of the best things to come out of my recovery process is an increased ability to be kind to myself.  This is not always easy, especially with the BPD's voice echoing in my head long after we split.

Newkate, I hope you can find some kindness for yourself and start to believe deep down that all that stuff that feels "about you" is really about him.

Waverider's description is spot on, and I found it very helpful myself.

[arabella]

Newkate - I hear ya sweetie. I'm in the limbo boat myself. It really sucks (understatement of the year). Mostly I hang out on the 'Staying' boards because that's where my heart is right now. So let me ask you this - what do you want right now? Do you want to find a way to stay with him? Or do you want to find a way to leave? It's hard either way, but I found that it was a tiny bit easier once I knew what I was aiming for.