Something that worked (finally)

[majorfrasier]

I know I'm not supposed to complain here. The purpose of this post is to gain some insight from anyone who can figure out what went right.

I am just trying to survive the intermittent tsunami of rage and something finally worked.

She admits that a history of betrayals has left her burnt and that the betrayal she nearly constantly feels is a remnant of the past, but what she feels is stronger than logic, so she takes it out on me anyway.

OK. But after reading a lot of stuff on this board (much of it contradictory) I blurted out something without thinking and it worked, accidentally.

She lost her cigarettes and exploded, accusing me of moving things around to gaslight her. I said, "I know it must feel terrible to not trust the person you are living with" and that fueled her paranoia and rage even more. She said I was being patronizing and selfish and any normal person who wasn't gaslighting would have said something sympathetic.

Then, unable to control my words, I blurted out, "I can't help you."

For some reason I can't fathom, that stopped her. That should have been the worst thing to say but she turned and said, "I don't need you to feel better." I believe it was both an angry barb and an epiphany for her.

Anyway the tsunami washed away.  Lesson here? Nothing I can figure out. I just got lucky.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

There were probably a few things going on, at least from what I can see. 

You set a boundary (limit) by standing up to her and letter her know you can't help her.  You used validation.  And you formatted this whole thing in a shorted version of the communication techinque we call SET - Support, Empathy and Truth (you omitted the "S".

We often teach others how we will tolerate being treated.  Its good for ourselves, and others, to know our limits.  You've started the process of commnicating some of your limits ("I can't help you", which is also the T in SET).

You also used validation nicely to relate to her feeling a lack of trust - she was probably also feeling a lot of frustration to begin with (unable to remember where she left her cigarettes). 

Keep reading and keep working.  I remember the first time validation worked for me.  We learn a lot of this by trial and error, so keep at it!