And the new rules are...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I previously posted about a "good bye " text that my ex sent me that left me really upset.Well, just as I thought things couldn't get any more hurtful or more strange... . he turned up at our house tonight ( I should add that he is  currently living in a property that I own that I allowed him to stay in as I was worried about his state of mind) to shout at me for wanting to sell the place ( this was always the plan and the house was on the market before we split).Initially he came in as if nothing was the matter (?) but I made the silly mistake of saying that I needed to move some furniture from my house to make it look bigger and more marketable.BIG MISTAKE. He then stated " I knew you would use this house and the furniture against me" and this thought appeared to trigger some form of anger outburst the likes of which I have never seen.He SCREAMED at me " I will talk to you about anything that you want but not about us, our relationship or anything that you think I have done wrong".He then went on to put an "innocent" interpretation on the texts he sent me yesterday.Of course I had got it all wrong and it should have been obvious from his messages that he had an innocent meaning. (Though I have little strength at the minute I KNOW i did not misunderstand the meaning of his messages).He then said that he was going to speak to all of our friends that he believed were informing me of his actions on FB ( new lady,removing my pictures, adding pictures of his ex wife etc) and shout at them ( this worries me as I know how nasty he can be and how he lies).And then he told me  I had to do the following:

I can talk to him but I must not acknowledge that we were in a relationship or what went on leading to and after our split.

I must not speak about him to anyone.

I must not cry and get upset.

I must not misunderstand him and must accept that what he says is the truth.

I must not speak to my therapist about him.

I can have contact with his family but cannot mention his name.

If I do not adhere to these then he will never speak to me again.

We can be friends "if that is what you want".

I cannot see his dogs as they miss me and need to "get over " me (?)


He also added that once he got over his "strop" about me deleting him from FB he would consider adding me again "if that is what you want".( can I add that we are both 39 years of age).

Has anyone ever experienced this level of ... . I don't even know what to call it.can I be ignorant and say "insanity?".I am finding everything so hard to deal with... . to everyone else he is normal but to me... .

Why does he have such a desire not to be spoken about?Why does he shout at me?Why does he not see that such levels of aggression and sarcastic hostility are not acceptable?Sounds  ignorant but I have had depression ( as a result of his behaviour) and I found it impossible to target my audience... . I was/am  ill and my illness manifested itself in front of everyone.I could not/can not  turn it on and off.

I should add that he ended the screaming match by calmly  gleefully telling me that his 13 year old step daughter wanted to spend time with him and bake cakes rather than see friends of her own age and "how cool is that?"

Is this type of stuff normal with BPD?I know I always ask the same question but I am struggling not to think it is me... . I have never ever experienced such bizarre behaviour.

[Nearlybroken]

I previously posted about a "good bye " text that my ex sent me that left me really upset.Well, just as I thought things couldn't get any more hurtful or more strange... . he turned up at our house tonight ( I should add that he is  currently living in a property that I own that I allowed him to stay in as I was worried about his state of mind) to shout at me for wanting to sell the place ( this was always the plan and the house was on the market before we split).Initially he came in as if nothing was the matter (?) but I made the silly mistake of saying that I needed to move some furniture from my house to make it look bigger and more marketable.BIG MISTAKE. He then stated " I knew you would use this house and the furniture against me" and this thought appeared to trigger some form of anger outburst the likes of which I have never seen.He SCREAMED at me " I will talk to you about anything that you want but not about us, our relationship or anything that you think I have done wrong".He then went on to put an "innocent" interpretation on the texts he sent me yesterday.Of course I had got it all wrong and it should have been obvious from his messages that he had an innocent meaning. (Though I have little strength at the minute I KNOW i did not misunderstand the meaning of his messages).He then said that he was going to speak to all of our friends that he believed were informing me of his actions on FB ( new lady,removing my pictures, adding pictures of his ex wife etc) and shout at them ( this worries me as I know how nasty he can be and how he lies).And then he told me  I had to do the following:

I can talk to him but I must not acknowledge that we were in a relationship or what went on leading to and after our split.

I must not speak about him to anyone.

I must not cry and get upset.

I must not misunderstand him and must accept that what he says is the truth.

I must not speak to my therapist about him.

I can have contact with his family but cannot mention his name.

If I do not adhere to these then he will never speak to me again.

We can be friends "if that is what you want".

I cannot see his dogs as they miss me and need to "get over " me (?)


He also added that once he got over his "strop" about me deleting him from FB he would consider adding me again "if that is what you want".( can I add that we are both 39 years of age).

Has anyone ever experienced this level of ... . I don't even know what to call it.can I be ignorant and say "insanity?".I am finding everything so hard to deal with... . to everyone else he is normal but to me... .

Why does he have such a desire not to be spoken about?Why does he shout at me?Why does he not see that such levels of aggression and sarcastic hostility are not acceptable?Sounds  ignorant but I have had depression ( as a result of his behaviour) and I found it impossible to target my audience... . I was/am  ill and my illness manifested itself in front of everyone.I could not/can not  turn it on and off.

I should add that he ended the screaming match by calmly  gleefully telling me that his 13 year old step daughter wanted to spend time with him and bake cakes rather than see friends of her own age and "how cool is that?"

Is this type of stuff normal with BPD?I know I always ask the same question but I am struggling not to think it is me... . I have never ever experienced such bizarre behaviour.

[Validation78]

Hey NB!

I know all of the stuff that your pwBPD seems incredible, leaves you asking what, how, why, etc. That's perfectly understandable. It's going to take you some time to get past the point where you expend so much energy and effort on these questions. I know, I've been there, and frankly, I'm tired of wasting my precious energy. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter anymore. He's an ex and he has BPD, that's all we need to know. If we need to know more, we can read more about BPD, and get a better understanding of a very complex illness. We're still trying to apply logic where there isn't any.

It sounds to me like you are where I once was with boundaries. I allowed someone to yell and shout at me for a long time. Once I learned how to enforce my boundaries, he still tried to do it, I just didn't stick around to hear it. It should be easier for you now that he is an ex, you really don't have to subject yourself to abusive behavior.

As for him telling you what you can and cannot do. Really? He cannot tell you what to do anymore than you can tell him what to do. My suggestion is to turn and walk away from demands and rules that he has no right to impose on you. I said this to you in another thread, and I stole it from the book I just read, to engage is to enrage. It's a discipline, that we must all practice, and it will serve us well to accept this as a fact. You cannot have a rational conversation with a person in a dysregulated state.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[babyducks]

Hey NearlyBroken, 

Val posted some very good stuff, and I echo all that.

However to answer your question, a person with borderline personality disorder can become so emotionally disregulated when abandoned by a loved one they can appear frankly psychotic.  Mine disassociated so badly she didnt know where she was for a while.   Its a serious mental illness.  Don't let the mild sounding name fool you.

Babyducks

[danley]

Geez,

You're not a remote controlled toy. Sounds like the rules he's laid are all about him and how it will affect him. You needn't comply to such ridiculous controlled nonsense. He can't control himself so he feels he needs to control you. These rules may make perfect sense to his distorted thinking but we all know it's not realistic nor does it align with being friends. It sounds outright self serving.You're not allowed to think, speak, or breathe.