Ruminating - I can't stop thinking about what she is doing

[willtimeheal]

Ok so I feel like I have reached stalker status. What gives?  I can no  stop thinking about what she is doin  with her new bf. I actually got in my car and drove past her house to see if his car was there. It wasn't but then my mind started ... . well what if they went somewhere and took his car?  How do you get this madness in your head to stop?  I went to the doctors today they increased my meds. I am in therapy. What else can I do?  It has been eight days of no contact and it is killing me. Literally killing me. How do you make all the thought  in your head about them stop?

[simplyasiam]

ive been there and it normal.

set down breath in deep close your eyes talk to yourself about something you like make yourself think about something you like it hard but you can do it.

harder you hang on longer it last

we dont know what will come of this point in our lives and as we know most of our day dreams dont play out how we dream them

[Want2know]

That is incredibly hard.  Ugh, do I know.  

The things that helped me were talking to those who still were listening to me, and finding things to distract myself.  When you start going down that path in your head you need to come up with a 'truth' statement that will keep you in check.

For example, I used to say to myself... . 'he is not going to be happy with another person, and in fact, I feel sorry for her because I know the crap she is going to have to deal with'.  That is the truth, and in some way it made me feel better to the point where I could stop the thoughts and knew it was time to do something positive to distract myself - go see a band, buy a book, go for a walk or swim (I exercised a lot), etc.

It's a habit you have to break, and it's hard at first, but can be done.  You just have to put your mind on discipline mode, and develop methods that will work for you.

[clover528]

First and foremost, you are in pain. You were in a loaded relationship. You have a bond to your xpwBPD. From how I see it, or understand it, you will have moments of not so healthy responses. GO EASY ON YOURSELF. When you feel the need to act on checking up on your x, distract yourself.  Call a friend who can help you process what you feel at the time or come post here! I wish I had many time before doing something unhealthy.

I am no expert and have made some crappy choices myself regarding ending my r/s. We will second guess and worry and obsess. They were our special brand of drug. Coming here and posting your anxiety and what you did is a great thing to do. You are aware. Thats better than I have been many times. You own the fact that you are struggling and you are reaching out.

I am sure someone with more experience and knowledge of detaching can guide you to some practical solutions or ideas. Just know you arent alone. 

We do the best we can with the knowledge we have. when we know better, we should do better. I have found when you have bonded with a pwBPD, We may know better but it can be a struggle to do better. Dont beat yourself up. I say you are doing the best you can.

[MarcinN7]

The hardest parts - first days i passed by:

1) Listening to music: different types, from "dont worry be happy" or

River od dreams - highly recommended www.youtube.com/watch?v=fo_vn_Ilsu8

"Cold as Ice" www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_1XdSqBQUg

And i listened on repeat, this made the days barely bareable

2) Listening to audiobooks on self improvement and George Carlyn biography. Sometimes i just played them for the heck of it, to have someone with a nice voice talk to me. I would tune in and out of what is being said to me.

It was easiest to me on focus on things that required little input but gave a lot of stimulation. Music/Audiobooks/Movies are such media.

3) Reading about BPD alot when my ears hurt.

[willtimeheal]

The hardest part for me now is seeing how I am behaving. I don't behave this way. So I am left thinking that maybe she isn't the one that is ill. Maybe it is me. Sane people don't drive past ex's houses and obsess about them. I can't wait for my next doctors appointment so I can get more medicine. That is not normal. What is happening to me?  I will try all your suggestions. Thank you. I have company coming and I am going out of town for a few days after. Maybe that will help.

[Bananas]

willtimeheal,

don't be hard on yourself.  i did the same thing a few months ago.  In addition to what others wrote, the tools in this thread also helped me.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

[Sparky2Blame?]

The hardest part for me now is seeing how I am behaving. I don't behave this way. So I am left thinking that maybe she isn't the one that is ill. Maybe it is me. Sane people don't drive past ex's houses and obsess about them. I can't wait for my next doctors appointment so I can get more medicine. That is not normal. What is happening to me?  I will try all your suggestions. Thank you. I have company coming and I am going out of town for a few days after. Maybe that will help.

I'm sure everyone has done something from time to time that would cause them to question thier own sanity.  You're definately not alone. No one is perfect and even sane people make rash decisions when put in tramatic situations.  I wouldn't beat myself up too hard.

[Hurtbad]

Willtimeheal,

I hope you notice the common thread in all these posts.  We all did or are doing the same thing you are doing to one degree or another.  Be careful about judging yourself.  You, we are injured right now, and so, yes, we are emotionally troubled.   We are supposed to be.  As for obsessing, I may well be the obsessing master.  You have to go a little easier on yourself.  Look, thee first night I learned my BPDex was sleeping with another guy... . THREE DAYS AFTER WE BROKE UP... . I drank a half a fifth of Rye Whiskey.  The kicker, I don't drink!  The second kicker, if I did it would not be Rye.  It was all I could find in the house.  The emotional pain was so bad that I did not even throw-up. I was too traumatized.

After that, I called, texted. emailed, checked facebook.  The only reason I did not drive by is that her lover was in another state.

I am much better now.  One of the reasons is this site.  Another is that I realized that my obsessing and checking on things was my way of denying what happened... . of undoing.  One good thing about obsessing... . inside all the bitterness, you kind of hold on to your lover that way.  At a certain point,  I had to accept that her need to be with this other guy so soon was her way of dealing with her pain, and was not, as such personal.  The other thing was that her behavior was so bad that no matter how much I feel I want her back... . and a big part of me still does... . what we had is gone, as it was based on being in love with someone who, I believed was incapable of dong such a cruel thing.  Yes, Willtineheal, it is devastating, horrible and almost unbearable.  But it does get better.

First, try and go easier on yourself.  You are not crazy or F##ed-up, you are injured.  It won't come right away, but try and laugh a tiny bit at yourself.  Love the person... . you... . who has been hurt.  My ex... . who is a professional... . just took up stripping and lapdancing inthe wake of our separation. It hurt, but I did get a teeny laugh out of the sense of  "what will she do next."  She did not disappoint. I just learned that she and her new lover have declared an open relationship... . for sex only... . until they can live closer together.  I give you permission to laugh.

As a practical matter, I want to share with you,some stuff my T gave me a long time ago for another set of problems.  To T's it is boilerplate; but these things work:

> Try and accept that you can't have closure right away.   You are going to be with this crappy feeling for awhile.

> In that effort, do your best to stay in the moment.  Live a day, or a minute at a time.  Don't obsess about yesterday, and try not to worry about how you will feel tomorrow. Tomorrow is almost never as bad as the anticipation of feeling bad tomorrow.

> Staying in the moment means getting out of your head. go to movies, exercise, go see friends.  When you do, do the stuff you really love,  the stuff that makes you you.  If you have a favorite couple of movies, rent them all, no matter how often you have watched them. I found the familiarity put me back in touch with the pre-injured me. If you love baseball, go to the Hall of Fame.  Whatever, do what you love. Great pain responds to great distractions.   At the beginning, you may find you are just going through the motions. Just keep doing it.  Soon enough you will lose yourself in what you are doing or watching.   When this happened you might snap right back to the misery because that is what you have been doing for days or weeks.  Nonetheless,  keep marching on.  It really does get easier.  But again, at first you may feel you are going through the motions.

Look, I am going to share this with you.  What my BPD ex did to me was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, except for a serious illness thirty years ago.  So, I have written none of the above lightly.  I feel terrible for you and have taken my best shot to help.  I am sure others may have better ideas. But I do know, if you keep fighting you will prevail.

Stay strong.  I... . we... . are here for you.  Feel free to PM if you want.  You will not be left alone.

HUrtbad.

[Clearmind]

It has been eight days of no contact and it is killing me. Literally killing me.

Be kind to you - this is not a long time at all.

How do you make all the thought  in your head about them stop?

You are grieving! Time and looking after yourself will certainly help.

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

Poll: The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSW

[crystalclear]

willithealme,

A break up with a person who you loved and bonded extraordinarily cannot be easy. It feels no lesser than hell. Don't be hard on yourself. It's all a chemical reaction in your head now.

Our minds were conditioned, wired to think in a certain way - the reality was different and so came the hopes, and dreams. When something unthinkable happens like someone leaves you, someone does not care for you suddenly - there is a dysfynctioning in the wiring. All sorts of thoughts come to play. With it comes the emotions - anger, sadness, pain. Our mind plays all sorts of games that don't let us think straight or sleep. Give you're head a break. It takes time to process and to come back to 'being ourselves'.



Nothing is wrong with you - it's all science. Everyone goes through this process - and reacts differently.

If it is any consolation, i did not know until last month that my exbf I believe is uNPD/BPD (passive-aggressive). When he broke up with me, I called him several times to beg him to change his mind. I called his friends requesting them to talk him out. When nothing worked, I stalked my boyfriend all the way to the city he lived in - just to meet him one time to convince him. Hoping he will give me one chance if he saw how much i loved him. Was i like this - NEVER! Everyone told me to move on as he did - i never seemed to give up.

We do not have control over others, we cannot change them. But i think i learnt it my way - the hard way. Until he put me down and i lost my self-respect. I was shattered and lost.

You are going through what we all have gone through. Read more about the disorder, read the stories of the nons who have been in your situation or even worse. Knowledge does help - and give it time. Hang in there, come on this board to share your feelings and experiences. Venting helps, meet friends/family to do so. Keep yourself busy but let the thoughts and emotions process.

[bb12]

If it is any consolation, i did not know until last month that my exbf I believe is uNPD/BPD (passive-aggressive). When he broke up with me, I called him several times to beg him to change his mind. I called his friends requesting them to talk him out. When nothing worked, I stalked my boyfriend all the way to the city he lived in - just to meet him one time to convince him. Hoping he will give me one chance if he saw how much i loved him. Was i like this - NEVER! Everyone told me to move on as he did - i never seemed to give up.

We do not have control over others, we cannot change them. But i think i learnt it my way - the hard way. Until he put me down and i lost my self-respect. I was shattered and lost.

The quiet borderline is a doozy alright. Not only do we not get closure - they start the silent treatment and lock in. Someone should study the effect that being dismissed to the point of non-existence has on a person... . even the healthiest of people. And yes, willtimeheal... . it makes us do the strangest things.

Unfortunately, by the time a r/ship with a pwBPD has gotten to this stage, we are a trigger for them and no amount of pleading, neediness or even face time will change that. As the reading says, by the time we take stock and do our FOO work... . and then THEY take stock and do their FOO work (not going to happen)... . we are hoping for an impossible turn around.

For me, the worst part, is that the fight to clear my name... . the begging for a chat... . the clinginess to win back their favour and make him at least talk to me... . all became ammunition in his twisted argument. I would get angry for being ignored and he would use that anger as proof I was the broken one and a reason to maintain the silence.

This soon after your last communication (8 days) your body is still addicted. The peptides or addiction chemicals are still racing through you. Being further out than you, I can tell you that only time and an exploration of your own stuff will help. We need to drill into the reasons we accepted such a relationship... . and stayed... . and copped abuse... . and would go back for more! No contact and the deletion of all Facebook, photos, emails, letters... . is a must.

All the best

BB12

[tailspin]

will 

Are you doing the things you enjoy?  What have you put on the back burner because it didn't fit into your life with her?  Biking, hiking, video games... . think back to what used to make you smile and then do it again.  You are the master of your own happiness... . no one else has this job.  When we give others the power to make us feel good about ourselves... . we also give them the power to make us feel bad about ourselves.

Take back your personal power... . and take back your life.  You deserve it and you are definitely worth it!

tailspin

[scuba02]

Its unbelievable what this situation does to us... . Are you crazy for what you're doing? Not at all! I felt/feel the same way... . Today, two weeks after being dropped like old rubbish for the new bf here I sit... . I'm mad, angry, confused and feel like i'm the crazy one... . When I take a minute to reflect I try and remember the hurt and pain I was in while with this sick person... . I'm and addict, addicted to a sick person... . I can't expect this to go away over night and no, i'm not crazy for feeling like this... . I know i'm addicted because in the end when i still had her I could't stand to be around her... . Now that she has gone NC and painted me black I want what I can't have... . Life is a journey my friend... . We'd all like to control the people, places and things in our life the only thing is they don't cooperate... . The sooner we realize that the better we'll be (easier said than done)... . Its crazy to think I knew and constantly told people close to me this would never work long term... . No thats its gone for some reason i think it could have... . I feel bad for the new bf... . I'm sure he will see the same fate in due time... . Life isn't fair as you can see on these boards, but with pain comes are greatest growth... . Something my exBPD has never had to experience in her adult life... . This equals no growth and the same mistakes!

I had a very good point made to me last night

"If your emotional sobriety depends on another you're in trouble and will be drunk in a short time"

   

[willtimeheal]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. On Monday night my ex BPD text me after eight days of NC. She said she hoped I was having a good summer. She said our boy (which she hasn't called him for the last three months. Always been her kids) turned 12 the other day. And That she thinks of me everyday and misses me and everything she does and sees reminds her of me and us.

I have  to be honest just receiving the text make me feel better but I do realize she is just checking to see "where I am at."  Cuz right after that text I got another one saying her cousin was just diagnosed with cancer. So I realized she needed a shoulder to cry on. I did text back that summer was good and I was sorry about her cousin. She asked what I was  doing. I replied aren't u with your new man. She said she is with no one. She doesn't want him. He is nice but loves me and she doesn't want to have to make a choice. She just wants to be with the kids. But I saw the picture of them hiking  on FB so I know they are spending  time together. She then started saying she wants the road to lead back to us. I wrote back that I can't be her support and her voice of reason. She has to make her own choices on her own. She then said to 4 years she waited for me and stood alone because I couldn't commit. I asked her if she was in a position to offer me anything for the last four years due to her drinking. So I was standing alone as well. I then told her I can  talk her thru her decision or be her support system I am dealing with my own struggles. I wished her a good summer.

I don't know  if it was the right thing to respond. But I do feel better knowing I am thought of.  Did I step backwards?  I will not be he  support  or void  of reason an  talk he  thru her bad times when she needs a shoulder  to cry on. I am worth more. The woman has already made me feel that I am losing my mind.

[scuba02]

We're not responsible for the first thought that comes into our head but we are responsible for the ones after that... .

[Clearmind]

willtimeheal, you will get to a point, like most of the ole timers here where you will simply not care what she does or does not do.

Keep looking to you for answers - do some inner exploring - this is not about her. These relationships are dysfunctional for you both - find out why you were attracted to it. You will then begin to change your perception of her and the relationship - it was not all it seems - you just wanted it to be.

[flynavy]

willtimeheal... . I haven't posted in awhile but I wanted to give you some encouragement.  It is 1 year since I called of the wedding... . feel pretty good about myself... . what I want... . where I'm going but today I actually thought about her.  The trigger was a black honda coup that pulled along side of me today with a cute blonde inside... . who I did a double take thinking it was her!  Well it wasn't... . but I will tell you this... . the only thoughts that ran through my mind were not of want and longing but of apathy.  6 months ago this trigger would have spurred on anxiety/apprehension... . what will I do if she looks at me... . will I wave... . pull over.  In fact I just kept driving and actually was hoping the woman inside the honda would look over cuz she was really attractive! To clearminds point... . you will get to a point where it just doesn't matter anymore... . trust me... . it is a good feeling... . she no longer has control of me and only you can take back control of your life and never ever let her have it again!  I know what got me into this toxic relationship and why I stayed as long as I did only after getting to know me again.  It did take awhile!  Ain't easy as many on this site can attest to but it is achievable!  Will my ex ever try and make contact with me... . guess what... . I just don't care!

[willtimeheal]

I have listened to all of you carefully and I have been reading a lot and what seem to come up over and over is to find why I am linked to this woman. What happened in childhood or what trauma has caused me to become addicted to this relationship and woman. So I started to look inside myself and really dig deep. Today in therapy I started to speak of my childhood (which wasn't bad but there are things I need to deal with).  My therapist and I talked about ME and I have begun the hard process of really looking at myself.

I am sure I will have days will I will post rants about how I feel I am going crazy and how desperately I miss my BPD and how angry she makes me. But I hear all of you and I realize recovery starts with looking at myself... . but I know there will be more rants in the future

[Want2know]

Good progress... . have you taken a look at our Personal Inventory board and how that might help you?

[bb12]

Great news willtimeheal ! 

There is truly a gift in all of this

I took ages to swing the focus off the exBPD and onto me. As nons / codependents etc., we are used to being 'other directed' and this trauma is the slap in the face that can facilitate a change in that behaviour. Instead of looking externally to raise our self-esteem, we can develop techniques to get that from within. My childhood also had no specific event to bring on this default mindset, but there was enough dismissive and unsupportive behaviour to have longterm negative effects. I was good at reading the room, mitigating abuse, and linking love to performance and perfection. And this creates an over-functioning M.O. where we don't really rely on anyone else... . and eventually feel we are in a position to help everyone. So we rescue and fix and cop the abuse we feel other people are too weak to handle. We enable bad behaviour in others and limit their own growth or journey.

Learning to receive, ask for help, and to give without expectation (controlling) have been massive personal developments for me. And then suddenly, like some of the others on here have suggested, you get to a stage where you see the relationship for what it was... . and without harbouring any ill-will, you just don't care about them anymore. You finally, and for the first time, care about YOU!

The physical effects can linger and the addiction peptides can mess with your head, but NC is vital. Any contact makes it worse.

Keep going!

Bb12

[willtimeheal]

Doing ok today. Checking my phone a little more than usual today. I find my mind wandering to her. I have noticed that when I am thinking about her and all the good times the not so Good Times filter in every now and then. Hopefully that is my minds way of trying remind me and keep me sane. Been continuing  to work on myself. I continue to miss her and the kids terribly and find myself wishing for what might have been. But keeping the focus on me at least trying too.

[HostNoMore]

willtimeheal,

Yes, time will heal you to quote Clearmind's excellent synopsis:

willtimeheal, you will get to a point, like most of the ole timers here where you will simply not care what she does or does not do.

Ruminating is the worst part of any breakup, and it is tripled during a BPD breakup.  As others have said, there is nothing wrong with you.  What you are experiencing is totally normal.  I remember doing the exact same stuff my first month out of the relationship. 

The trick is to train your brain to not ruminate which helps speed up the process.  The biochemical addiction angle of this will also resolve itself overtime much like quitting smoking.

I found that forcing myself into novel situations like going out to meet new people helped reduce my ruminating.  Plus, I now have a whole new set of friends which is pretty good for a middle aged guy to go out and actually do.  I also got extremely involved with my favorite sport and underwent extensive training in it to increase my skills that allows me now to do some really fun and crazy adventures.  I am now notorious among my peers who practice this sport and gaining their respect really helped build my self esteem. I also began to lift weights too.  My strategy was to crowd out the thoughts of her through doing things that I love to do.  I put the focus back on myself.

Ruminations will naturally decrease over time trust us on that.  They are incredibly painful and are very normal.  The best thing you can do to reduce it more quickly is to practice techniques to help you end each rumination cycle more quickly.  I would actually pinch and mock myself for ruminating to break the cycle.  I called it regaining my brain.  It helped me interrupt the cycle and punished my brain for ruminating.  Overtime, these techniques really helped to reduce the ruminations for me.  It was akin to brainwashing myself.  Maybe, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you ruminate.  It will make your brain associate ruminating with physical pain.

NC is the #1 most important thing for total healing too.  It is very difficult to start at first, and you will have failures to maintain NC.  That's OK too.  You just get back to it.

I'm nearly two years out of the relationship now(16 months total NC) and much stronger for it.  I remember reading posts by those further advanced in the recovery process than I speaking of the potential positive benefits of recovery wondering if it were really true.  It is true, and time gives you that gift.

Hang in there.  Focus on yourself and never doubt anything about the bizarre experiences you had.  Early on in the recovery process I would advise you to not go too hard on yourself.  When you are ready, you will naturally begin to reflect on your role in that relationship.  This is also an important part of recovery too but do not worry about it now.  Focus on yourself.  You are free now, and one day you will celebrate it.

FYI: I really do not care about my exBPD at all now.  I am totally neutral on her.  The passage of time along with taking a very active role in my recovery helped to speed up the process for me.  Find what you love and focus on it.  It will amaze you where it will lead.

[willtimeheal]

 My mind continues to wander in and out of thought about her. Mostly due to it being the weekend. I know she doesn't have the kids this weekend so I wonder is she working or with him?  The only good thing about being away is it stops me from driving by her house. It is hard not knowing if she is with him but I know I can't worry or obsess about it. It is hard but I am trying all your suggestions and hoping that in time it will become easier like you all say.

[oolia]

This is a hard one, still working on it.

[HostNoMore]

Overall, the ruminating was the worst part of the whole deal for me, and that says a lot.  The good news is that it will end, but you can speed up the process by looking into techniques to help quell them .  I'm not going to promise it takes 2 weeks either as it is significant work that has to be done to save yourself.

It takes a while, but over time it will steadily decrease.  I would also motivate myself by realizing that ruminating was a total waste of my finite time and not productive to HNM's overall well being.  Even with my brainwashing, it took 4 to 5 months to get really clear, but I made steady progress the whole time.  I can see cases where people ruminate for years especially those who never learn of BPD.

I laugh about it all now though I still will avoid that toxic pit forever.  For the first month, I was the crazed "stalker" then I realized it was demeaning to myself and counterproductive to true healing.  The lack of closure and brutal cutoff we seem to all get leads to that behavior on our parts.

[willtimeheal]

A little shaky today. Weekend was ok. I wondered what she was doing. Was she with him. I tried to stay busy. Wen  to the movies ans shopping. Did yard work. Today I just have an overall sadness. It came out of no where. It's been a week of NC and I wonder will I hear from her. Last Monday is when she text me. Maybe that is why I am sad and shaky. I don't know what to do if there is contact and my heart will break if there isn't. I hate this.

[willtimeheal]

Been thinking about her.  I think I am finally realizing that it is truly over.  I have had a week of NC and was hopeful that maybe just maybe she would contact me.  I have been working on myself in therapy and trying to figure out why I am so attached to her.  But I think today it is hitting me that this really is the end.  It is hard to admit that it is over.  That this part of my life, this person is no longer part of my life.  It's such an empty feeling.  I held on to hope for so long.  For years I have built every dream around this person.  She is with him, not me.  Even though she says she doesn't want him.  If she really loved me like she said she would be with me.  I understand she is ill and doesn't see the world the way typical people do but it doesn't make it any less painful.   All I can do is cry and accept what has happened and move forward.  I feel like I slid backwards today.  I thought getting meds from the doctor would help.  Nope.  The pain just sits there. 

[delusionalxox]

Willtimeheal   it's early days.

As I recall you and ex split up about the same time I did with mine eg 4-6 weeks ago?

It's too soon not to feel pain and be up and down.

Early on we are still in the shock phase. I was left pregnant  and went through an abortion, my body is in shock as well. My family said they have never seen me so bad. I have read your posts and your early ones were exhibiting the same intense pain and shock I felt.

I too have realised ex is never, ever coming back and nor should he come back. I have also realised there will be no closure.

for me, the worst thing is dealing with what now looks like the waste of 3 years of my life on an abusive person whom I still in some part of myself 'love'. I use the word 'love' in quotes for a reason. Because I am not sure that anything that hurts that much (and my relationship with ex was almost always hurtful and damaging to me- and, he claims, to him too) can really have been love.

So I ruminate and think, what was it, what kind of sicko must I be, to have lived in that so long and kept taking it.

I may never work all the issues out. But it is over. And I am still alive. I felt as if I would die but I didn't.

the task is to be easy on ourselves, we have been brutalised emotionally. We are not going to feel well straight away. Like victims of physical violence, we need to heal. Please give yourself that time.

[willtimeheal]

Delusionalxox,

my BPD broke up with me three months ago but then we worked it out a few weeks ago and then she dropped another bomb on me that started this whole process over for me. She told me she loved me and wanted me and was  going to tell that guy she didn't love him but then she got mad over a FB picture and I didn't hear from her. She text me last week and said she was unhappy and missed me and wants  the road to lead back to us. I don't have a lot of faith in it anymore. I don't believe she knows what she wants. There is.always an excuse and I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want one of those mind erasing shot where they wipe out your memory. That would be ideal.