Separation

[Sammamish]

Last week my uBPDw and I made our first trip back to Europe since our wedding to visit my family. After a night out and too much to drink, (and against my better judgment) I came back to my parents house early, unable to  waken her, and left her on the couch at a friends house. Feeling understandably abandoned, she came back to my parents house in a rage. After arguing with my mother (who she has painted black and called her every name imaginable), she demanded to be taken to the airport. I agreed to drive her but we had barely driven to the end of the road before she went into a violent rage and punched me in the face repeatedly. I left her at the side of the road and went home with a black eye. She is now staying in a local hotel and will visit friends until her scheduled departure in a week's time. I have told her that I refuse to go back to the US with her the way things are. She says if I dont get on the plane then the marriage is over. She wants us to give it another 6 months in the US - to go back and do intensive marriage counselling while working on ourselves in individual therapy. This is not an option for me. Besides the effect all this is having on my parents, I now feel I have the support I have been desparately lacking and I intend to see a counsellor while I am here.

Meanwhile my parents insist that I tell her parents about her mental state and suspected BPD,  but is that really for me to do?  My wife was seeing a counsellor in the US about her anger so I dont think I can ask anything more from her. I am 99% sure that this is BPD but if she is unwilling to admit that there is a bigger problem than just her anger, then I dont know what else I can do. I feel this will probably all come out the way things are heading but I want to minimise the damage and potential harm she may do to herself.

[Clearmind]

she went into a violent rage and punched me in the face repeatedly. I left her at the side of the road and went home with a black eye. She is now staying in a local hotel and will visit friends until her scheduled departure in a week's time.

Wow Sam! I am so sorry to hear that. How devastating for you to be treated this way – its not your fault and I commend you on setting a very firm boundary around violence.

I have told her that I refuse to go back to the US with her the way things are. She says if I dont get on the plane then the marriage is over. She wants us to give it another 6 months in the US - to go back and do intensive marriage counselling while working on ourselves in individual therapy. This is not an option for me. Besides the effect all this is having on my parents, I now feel I have the support I have been desparately lacking and I intend to see a counsellor while I am here.

Again strong boundary Sam. She and you both need therapy – independent of one another and from experience actions speak louder than words.

Meanwhile my parents insist that I tell her parents about her mental state and suspected BPD,  but is that really for me to do?  

Its really not for you to do Sam – I completely understand why you want to however it can backfire. They will support her no matter what – the outcome could be invalidating for you.

if she is unwilling to admit that there is a bigger problem than just her anger, then I dont know what else I can do. I feel this will probably all come out the way things are heading but I want to minimise the damage and potential harm she may do to herself.

You can’t save her from herself Sam – you no doubt have been trying to do that for a long time.

What would like to do from here? We will support you either way – you certainly have a good grasp on what is happening – how to make things better?

Have you heard of Therapeutic Separation? Have you considered contacting any domestic violence counsellors - or at best called one to chat on the phone - its anonymous and I can provide you with some contacts (via pm) if you wish.

[Sammamish]

Clearmind - thanks for your post.

Im really lost. On the one hand I care for her and want to help, on the other I just want her to go back to her family and let them deal with it, so that I can get on with my life. But I'm deep in the FOG and my own codependency issues. I have an initial appointment with a therapist tomorrow.

Right now, i think my concern for her outweighs my concern for our marriage. We have discussed TS before, but it never happened. Aside fromt he fact that I have reached breaking point, Im not sure about the logistics of TS if I stay here and she goes back, ie without a MC counsellor we can both visit.

Im also worried about the effect of separation if this all drags out, as it could go on indefinitely- ie being in limbo with no progress being made, especially if she refuses to get help.

Hopefully I will have a better handle on things after some counselling and time alone. I will keep you posted.

[Clearmind]

I felt obligated to help and felt it was my responsibility to make good.  Your wife does need to be accountable for her actions – especially around violence – you set good boundaries. Will it be the last time – you may not know.

Right now, i think my concern for her outweighs my concern for our marriage.

Translation: Your concern for her out ways your concerns for you. Your marriage is suffering, she is suffering and you are suffering.

Just a thought on MC – it tends to not work Sam because an MC is rarely equipped to deal with BPD projections. This is not so a problem about the marriage – her issues are independent of you and vice versa which is the reason therapy should be independent of one another.

What are the deal breakers Sam?

What would need to happen?

[oolia]

Giving yourself the gift of some time away, with the support of your family, sounds like a wonderful idea and may help you see more clearly what the best next steps for you are.  It's hard.  Best to you.

[Sammamish]

Thanks Clearmind and Oolia.

Its great to be back home with family and friends. I have discussed my situation with them and will be seeing a counsellor on a regular basis while I am at home. My uBPDw and I have been talking/emailing again, she is currently staying with a friend before she flies back to the US.

I have made it clear that I am staying here for at least a few months to focus on my own health. She views this as selfish and is bothered that she gets no say in all this.  I have suggested some sort of therapeutic separation while we are apart. She seems open to this, but she says this requires us to be together.  This is not an option for me as we currently have nowhere to live over in the US, She will be living out the back of her car/staying with friends until she figures out what school she will be going to.

I have also made it clear that we BOTH must take accountability for the problems in our marriage. She agrees but says that forgiveness must play a large part in this. I think I can forgive if she recognises her issues and addresses them. She has been in touch with her counsellor but I will need to see some sort of commitment to therapy from her for this to work. (Clearmind, I guess this is the deal-breaker). We may also need third party mediation, not sure if this is practical with both of us in different countries... .

Anyway, a few things are really bothering me right now. Firstly she left it to me to call her father and tell him about our separation (she told her mother already but it seems there is very little communication between her family, as her father had no idea what was happening). I told him pretty much everything EXCEPT the fact that she hit me. I also told him that I was starting to see a counsellor. I told him I was worried about her, but made no mention of suspected BPD or anything like that. What's really annoying me is that it either a) her family know full well the extent of the problem; b) they are choosing to ignore it; or c) they think I'm the one with the problem. I suspect its a combination of all of these.

Im also bothered that all this may cause her to shirk accountability, or at he very least put her own issues on hold. She is now focusing on getting into school in a different part of the US, so she will not be going back to her old counsellor.

She is emailing me as I type this telling me she needs more money for hotels etc. I know her parents would help her out if she asked  (money is not a problem for them) and again I'm getting annoyed with their lack of involvement in all of this.

In the meantime I am trying to take some much needed time out and counselling to focus on my needs.

cheers

[Clearmind]

All sounds good Sam! Her parents are likely well aware of her issues however will support her regardless.

How is your money situation and can you afford to be giving money for hotels? Wasn't she staying with friends.  Be mindful of not sacrificing yourself for her needs. All may not be what it seems and instead of giving cash I would pay hotels directly. You guys are separated so I would consider not contributing too much money at this stage especially if you are not coping.