New and overwelmed

[xanderess]

I am so happy to know that I am not alone . I am a woman of 42 yrs and my mother is BPD . I was raised as an only child . We have moved alot I went to 30 different schools growing up only to drop out when I was 16 . I always thought I was a bad person , scared of everything . I did not drive till I was 33 . I live in a house with my husband and three kids right next door to my mother on her land . I am having a real hard time right now and sure needed someone to talk to . Thank you soo much for being here .

[Vindi]

hi you came to the right place, there is a section here on dealing with parents, inlaws, etc, you should check it out.

Seems like you did do alot of mving and 30 different schools that is alot. Did your mom make you feel like you were a bad person? and how is the relationship "now" with her. Living next door to you is close and not sure if that makes things harder... . and what type of feelings are you having now?

Keep posting and know you are not alone!

[mamachelle]

Hi xanderess,



I just wanted to add my welcome. I see you have found the [L5] Healing from a Relationship with a Parent with BPD Board already.

Vindi has asked some good questions. It helps you and us to get a better perspective on what has been going on if you tell us a little more.

Have you done any reading on how to cope with a BPD Parent over the years? Here are 2 good books to get to learn more and work on the codependency that often comes along with a relationship with a BPD parent.

Understanding the Borderline Mother

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better - Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg

I also think you will benefit from learning about SET and about creating boundaries.

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It takes time, but it will get better as you learn better ways to cope. Are you open to attending therapy to have a safe place to talk about your mother's influence on you and your marriages?

We are here for you!

mamachelle

[xanderess]

I have been a blubbering mess for the past month sense I found out about BPD . I was looking up why I have been so angry lately , maybe hormones and I ran across an article about BPD in adult children . Man I have been crying and angry and depressed and happy . Being the only one in my mothers life , no friends or family who wants to be around her , and my younger brother was given to my dad whe he was 5 and i was 8 . I have tried to tell my brother about mom but he says he does not want to hear it. She has physically and mentally abused me my whole life and i watched her beat up my grandma . Now my mother has a medical condition . She has Multiple Chemical sensitivity which causes so many other probs between us .

She lives on property that has 2 houses she has manipulated me several times to live in the house next to hers . I have moved in and out of that house at least 5 times . This last time she said she has found God and has changed . Well its been about 3 years till last month when there was a huge tornado ( I live in Oklahoma ) coming right for us . She was in the living room when I told the fam Lets go to walmart which was 20 miles north to get out of its way . My mother got in my face in front of the kids and said ( What so you are going to just leave me here?) I was like what ? We had a good five min fight by that time we got in the care and it was to late there was baseball size hail and it busted my windshield and we had to turn around and head home . 2 days ago she told me that sense my son does not take the trash out right when I tell him That my kids do not obey and that they are going to burn in hell because of me . Then she said i hate her I said I hate no one she pointed her finger at me and said all liers will burn in hell so I walked out on her .

    I have to move again I know and it will be different this time I do not think I will feel so Guilty ! I feel like you guys are the brothers and sisters I always needed  :'( you give me hope   Thank you

[ScarletOlive]

Hi xanderess,

Glad you found us! I'm sorry you've been feeling low, lately, and I'm very sorry you suffered damage from the tornadoes recently. Please know that you are not alone. My mother has BPD and is abusive too, so I understand your pain.   Please know that the abuse is not your fault, and that you do not have to take her bad treatment. This article talks about taking care of yourself and staying safe, and I think it would be very helpful for you: Safety First

Keep in mind that you are not responsible for your mother. You are only responsible for yourself and your kids. I definitely would suggest you move away from living next door to your mother. It will give you more control over your life, and lessen her ability to hurt you.

2 days ago she told me that sense my son does not take the trash out right when I tell him That my kids do not obey and that they are going to burn in hell because of me . Then she said i hate her I said I hate no one she pointed her finger at me and said all liers will burn in hell so I walked out on her .

High five for walking out and taking care of yourself! We all need to take timeouts to get out of bad situations. What she said was decidedly unchristian, and even if your kids were hooligans, you are their parent, not her. How does she treat your kids? How do they react?

Keep posting and sharing, xanderess. We're here for you and I know you'll fit here. Sending you lots of caring and support.

[Islandgrl]

Hey xandress

Sounds like you are in the right place. It can be such a relief to find out about BPD and that there's an explanation for the behaviour and that others have similar experiences.  I used to think sometimes maybe it was just me, but it's uncanny how similar many people's stories are to mine.  I hope you can find some support on here.  It does sound like you are making some positive changes in your life.

[Calsun]

Hi xanderess,

Thanks for sharing, and welcome!  I'm relatively new to this site, as well, and have already found it to be extremely comforting and helpful.  It is remarkable how BPD mothers can have such a psychological hold on us.  And I could relate to the kind of condemning quality that you described in your mother.  My uBPD mother didn't invoke the language of religious condemnation per se, but because of her abuse and condemning rejection of me, I felt that somehow this angry god was constantly determining that I was bad or not good enough and that I was not deserving of love. It deeply impacted my spirituality, felt that when bad things happened to me or good things didn't happen for me that I was being punished by a god for not being a good enough person.

Once again, it was good to hear you, and welcome! 

Calsun

[xanderess]

My mother is starting in on my kids . My son just turned 18 and got his first job . Last week she told him that she was a widow ( she is not she is divorced ) and in the bible it says the kids and grand kids are supposed to take care of her.  My daughter who is 15 goes over every day and works for her for 2 hours but gives her a little money every month . She favors my daughter .My mother hates men she thinks they are all liers or gay. My 5 year old has aspergers and is not that social .

Thank you all soo much you have given me a new view on life I looked at the world different today , The sky looked bluer and the air cleaner . I feel like I can finally be a human being . I still have her haunting my mind , and I am just waiting for her to show up or call to make things right after our fight .I am soo not looking forward to that . I am on edge all day But I think I will be stronger this time, for the first time in my 42 years !.