Breaking NC/LC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I received a text on Friday evening, asking how I was. Then asked if I would be around later.  She had funeral Saturday and there were a pair of black pants that were left at my house that were needed.  I didn't reply.

Then I responded Saturday morning and said... . "Pants are in the garage and the door is unlocked."  I also placed the last of her things (that I could find) out there as well.  Then I left for the day.  She responded "thanx".  And the items were gone when I returned home.  The last I would hear from her, I figured.  Everything that would require contact is taken care of.

Today I received a text asking how my Holiday Weekend was.

Guess we never had a talk about no-more contact.  We didn't really talk about anything at the very end.  Last communication was me asking her some questions about why she felt that we "disconnected".  And her never responding. Since then, I sort of assumed it was a given.  Since she never responded to my last communication and I hadn't contacted since (about 3 weeks ago).  And because I was pretty short and to the point about the pants.

Guess its in my nature, but I haven't responded today (and don't plan to), and I almost feel like a jerk by just blowing her off (or anyone).  Tough I know if I state that I prefer NC, it will become a blow out about how "pathetic it is" that I can't remain friends.  And something along the line of how she's trying and I'm not... .   yadda yadda yadda.  And I'm sure if I don't respond, I'll get anther text and/or call later (I'm guessing Thursday), asking why I didn't respond.  ... .   Sort of a no-win situation.

Grrrr!

[Sparky2Blame?]

I received a text on Friday evening, asking how I was. Then asked if I would be around later.  She had funeral Saturday and there were a pair of black pants that were left at my house that were needed.  I didn't reply.

Then I responded Saturday morning and said... . "Pants are in the garage and the door is unlocked."  I also placed the last of her things (that I could find) out there as well.  Then I left for the day.  She responded "thanx".  And the items were gone when I returned home.  The last I would hear from her, I figured.  Everything that would require contact is taken care of.

Today I received a text asking how my Holiday Weekend was.

Guess we never had a talk about no-more contact.  We didn't really talk about anything at the very end.  Last communication was me asking her some questions about why she felt that we "disconnected".  And her never responding. Since then, I sort of assumed it was a given.  Since she never responded to my last communication and I hadn't contacted since (about 3 weeks ago).  And because I was pretty short and to the point about the pants.

Guess its in my nature, but I haven't responded today (and don't plan to), and I almost feel like a jerk by just blowing her off (or anyone).  Tough I know if I state that I prefer NC, it will become a blow out about how "pathetic it is" that I can't remain friends.  And something along the line of how she's trying and I'm not... .   yadda yadda yadda.  And I'm sure if I don't respond, I'll get anther text and/or call later (I'm guessing Thursday), asking why I didn't respond.  ... .   Sort of a no-win situation.

Grrrr!

[bpdspell]

There's nothing wrong with standing your ground in your boundaries.

You deserve space to heal and you are entitled to make decisions that are best for your life. Your ex doesn't get a say so on the terms of contact. Yes we can feel a twinge of guilt on our part because we aren't confident in the extreme measures we have to take in protecting our boundaries but let the guilt go. You deserve to be happy and you owe her nothing. I think we tend to forget that our lives is ours! It belongs to us; not them.

Spell

[Octoberfest]

I have had this thought myself about if my dBPDex attempts to reach out in the future... . we haven't said explicitly "ok, we are not going to talk anymore".  I think if it DOES happen, ignoring it is going to be my course of action.  Like you, I see having the "ok i dont want to talk to you I am going no contact" conversation just sets us up for conflict

[seeking balance]

Sort of a no-win situation.

Grrrr!

This about sums it up Sparky

If you respond using SET (sympathy, empathy, truth) tools, something like this would be appropriate.

"Thank you for reaching out, I know you mean well.

Right now, I need some need some time to myself to heal."

Ultimately, she likely will be mad as it does push the abandonment button and you may receive an angry text/email.  But you will be clarifying your boundary the best possible way - no blame to her, stating your needs.

Hang in there,

SB

[xenia]

There's nothing wrong with standing your ground in your boundaries.

You deserve space to heal and you are entitled to make decisions that are best for your life. Your ex doesn't get a say so on the terms of contact. Yes we can feel a twinge of guilt on our part because we aren't confident in the extreme measures we have to take in protecting our boundaries but let the guilt go.

Thank you. I needed to read this.

[danley]

Sort of a no-win situation.

Grrrr!

This about sums it up Sparky

If you respond using SET (sympathy, empathy, truth) tools, something like this would be appropriate.

"Thank you for reaching out, I know you mean well.

Right now, I need some need some time to myself to heal."

Ultimately, she likely will be mad as it does push the abandonment button and you may receive an angry text/email.  But you will be clarifying your boundary the best possible way - no blame to her, stating your needs.

Hang in there,

SB

I used SET and in those similar words. I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions and it made things worse that my ex abruptly ended our relationship days after he professed all kinds of love for me. The SET seemed to make my ex very angry. As tho he felt who are you to control this situation I created and not talk to me? I believe he wanted me to throw myself at him. I didn't and used SET. About a month into LC I received the rage antics and hot and cold. It was like he had a huge grudge against me for saying I needed time away to think. A grudge against me after HE had morphed into a complete stranger and suddenly ended the relationship with reasoning that we shouldn't have gotten so emotionally attached and that he needed to clear his conscience? It was as tho he neglected to see how I could react the way I did after his own cold behavior.

I began to feel worse and thought maybe communicating and talking things thru would make a difference in getting along. Nope. It was too late. He was still angry. Probably at himself more than me but all the showers of black paint came flying. For 2 months I tried but I kept getting the hot and cold. There were many incidents where he'd make comments like "Thanks for the food you brought in. Mines isn't laced with poison is it?" and he'd laugh like he was joking but I felt offended. After several times of him saying these kinda comments I finally asked him WHY he thought that way and he said because I'm upset at him. I asked "WHY would I be upset at you?". He replied, " I don't know". Ugh! SERIOUSLY?  Anyway, I didn't react and just carried on because it wasn't worth it.

When I finally got sick of being his emotional punching bag, I told him that this friendship or whatever this is isn't working out because if he really did care about me and valued me he wouldn't be treating me like crap. I told him I couldn't handle it and felt he didn't truly respect me and that I lost trust in someone I thought I saw something good in. He of course tried to defend and rage and deflect and project. He tried to turn it around on me and say if I cared about him and was his friend that I'd be happy for him. Uuhhhh... . How can I be happy for someone who sacrafices his companion, confidant, lover, best friend and s/o just to make himself feel better and not give a rats behind about me? I understand people have fears but throwing someone you love under the bus because you don't want to face those fears? Sickening.

I stopped texting. I stopped going up to him to see how he was doing. I stopped asking him how the kids are. I stopped engaging in personal conversation. I stopped all the normal things I do. There became a point where I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated like an option or convenience and don't deserve to be treated so horribly for three months while I was trying to be supportive and understanding of him and his issues. I realized the problem laid/lays within himself. I'm not perfect and have reflected on my part in everything.  He needs to address his fears, guilt, and shame. He knows it exists but he needs to get help for it and WANT to fix it. He needs to do this on his own.

Yours sounds like a No win situation but I'd lean more to doing what you feel is best for YOU. She may not like it that you don't respond but IT'S OK. She will probably feel rejected and angry or sad but you need to focus on what you need in order to have peace. Consequences and boundaries... .

[Sparky2Blame?]

Dredging up an old post.

Recently I've received more of the "Hi.  How are you?"  "How have you been?" "How was your holiday/weekend?" type of texts.  I didn't/haven't responded.

I liked the idea of using SET boundary setting, but chose not to take that route.  I know it would never be left at that.  And somehow (even if I didn't engage in any more dialog) it would turn into how pathetic/sad it is that I can't be friends and maintain contact.  Where it was relayed to mutual friends or directly to me... .I don't really want to hear that atm. But part of me does thinks it is sad... .  Tho I also understand that it is necessary.

Anyways, this past week, they've turned into "Ok... .so why aren't you responding to me asking you how your are?".  Or just texts that say "?".

In a weird way, it's sort of validating/nice to know that I've crossed the mind.  At the same time, part of me still feels like I'm somehow causing pain to another.  Or like perhaps I'm being a bit hypocritical by not giving any further form of closure or insight into what is going on: both things I would have liked at a previous point in time.  I know some have said to let the guilt go.  And it was bothering me less each time, until it turned in to a more personal "why".  Hopefully the lack of response to the more direct questions will click for her.

The guilt will pass, I'm sure.  Just felt like venting.

Thanks. 

[Learning_curve74]

In a weird way, it's sort of validating/nice to know that I've crossed the mind.  At the same time, part of me still feels like I'm somehow causing pain to another.  Or like perhaps I'm being a bit hypocritical by not giving any further form of closure or insight into what is going on

It's good to "vent" sometimes, let's us experience the emotions instead of stuffing them away.

You may want to look to the sidebar at the right. It says "attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom". True for both of you. Is it your duty to soothe her pain? And will any explanation that is honest from you going to be what she wants to hear?