Exhausted with mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom has BPD. She was misdiagnosed as bipolar, and I only recently realized that BPD fits her perfectly. But since she hasn't been settled down for almost eight months (she's trying to move to Israel), she can't get advice from a psychiatrist on whether BPD is a better fit, and goodness knows she won't take my word for it.

Most of the time, she's fine. She's a bit paranoid by nature, I think, but in general I love talking to her. It's just when she slips into her BPD persona that I can't handle it. I've gotten several good books on the subject to try to figure out how to manage our relationship better, and I've been doing well, I think, but I've been dealing with chronic undiagnosed leg pain, and getting calls from her when she's having... . (What is it called? Is it an episode? I'll call it an episode.) I get so exhausted and I just turn off my phone.

I'd rather talk to her and help her get through what I know is a bunch of terrifying, turbulent emotions, but I'm not strong enough oftentimes to handle it. One of the most tiresome series of text messages I'll get from her is overwhelmingly self-disparaging criticisms of hopelessness and shame, where I feel like partially she believes what she's saying, but partially it feels like she's just fishing and trying to drag me in to feel bad for her.

And I'm so torn, because just this afternoon my sister told me she sent HER a text message that read, "You are not the daughter I raised. You do not deserve kindness and love. You do not deserve my love. I would be happier if you had never been born." That just makes my blood boil, because if my mom had sent that to me, I know, on a conscious and subconscious level, that she is projecting, and that none of it is true. But my sister, who is three years younger than me and didn't grow up developing the ability to shut down emotionally when my mother lashes out, is hurt by these hateful things. (Today we blocked my mother's number on my sister's phone. I'm not sure how long it will be until we unblock it, but I know it's the right move for now for my sister.)

So... . after all that blabbering... . I'm not really sure what I'm expecting here. Just some empathy, I suppose. Possibly some encouragement and some suggestions of how to handle this situation. Thanks.

[katherinefortis]

My mom has BPD. She was misdiagnosed as bipolar, and I only recently realized that BPD fits her perfectly. But since she hasn't been settled down for almost eight months (she's trying to move to Israel), she can't get advice from a psychiatrist on whether BPD is a better fit, and goodness knows she won't take my word for it.

Most of the time, she's fine. She's a bit paranoid by nature, I think, but in general I love talking to her. It's just when she slips into her BPD persona that I can't handle it. I've gotten several good books on the subject to try to figure out how to manage our relationship better, and I've been doing well, I think, but I've been dealing with chronic undiagnosed leg pain, and getting calls from her when she's having... . (What is it called? Is it an episode? I'll call it an episode.) I get so exhausted and I just turn off my phone.

I'd rather talk to her and help her get through what I know is a bunch of terrifying, turbulent emotions, but I'm not strong enough oftentimes to handle it. One of the most tiresome series of text messages I'll get from her is overwhelmingly self-disparaging criticisms of hopelessness and shame, where I feel like partially she believes what she's saying, but partially it feels like she's just fishing and trying to drag me in to feel bad for her.

And I'm so torn, because just this afternoon my sister told me she sent HER a text message that read, "You are not the daughter I raised. You do not deserve kindness and love. You do not deserve my love. I would be happier if you had never been born." That just makes my blood boil, because if my mom had sent that to me, I know, on a conscious and subconscious level, that she is projecting, and that none of it is true. But my sister, who is three years younger than me and didn't grow up developing the ability to shut down emotionally when my mother lashes out, is hurt by these hateful things. (Today we blocked my mother's number on my sister's phone. I'm not sure how long it will be until we unblock it, but I know it's the right move for now for my sister.)

So... . after all that blabbering... . I'm not really sure what I'm expecting here. Just some empathy, I suppose. Possibly some encouragement and some suggestions of how to handle this situation. Thanks.

[zone out]

Hi Katherinefortis

As soon as I saw your title - 'exhausted with mother' I knew I could identify with what you are feeling.  It is so draining, all the negativity attached to these 'episodes' (uBPD), as I too call my mother's rages.  My family can tell when I have been 'going through it' by the flat exhausted tone in my voice.  She, like your mum can be fine and 'normal' in between which almost lulls you into a false sense of security - the times I led myself to hope that she would changed only to be hurled back into the maelstrom again.

I only joined this site last month, I also read 'Walking on Eggshells', which is very illuminating.  I have found BPD family excellent - although I am still swotting up on all the techniques - SET etc, reading all the posts and resources has really helped to demystify the situation and I feel much less isolated.  My own attitude and ability to detatch emotionally from the situation is improving.  Soon I will try the recommended techniques on mother and see how I get on, I have stopped taking the accusations personally now that I understand more of the disorder.  I am looking at her as more of a 'project'.

Keep reading and posting - so many of our experiences are so similar.  It is reassuring that we are not alone in experiencing all this.  All best wishes.

Zone out

[brebegone]

I know how you feel.  Being exhausted with mother feels like a constant struggle in my life as well.  You and your sister did the right thing by cutting off communication with her for your sister's sake.  Sometimes the only thing to do is to just remove yourself from the situation.  The things your mom is projecting onto you and your sister are not your fault and it's completely ok to walk away and better yourself before you reenter the situation. 

Just hang in there once you learn good coping methods and can deal with her "episodes", which shouldn't be something you need to do but with uBPD we all do it.  It is completely draining to deal with these as I know and of course you can't really bring up to her that she has BPD as that would set off a terrible reaction of denial and blaming.  At least I know it would in my case.  But like Zone Out said "walking on eggshells" is a great resource and I have used many of the techniques in it as well.  Take a look.  Know that we are here for you anytime!

[katherinefortis]

Thanks, you guys! I already own Walking on Eggshells, and it's actually how I figured out my mom was BPD! The title just described it perfectly and grabbed me. I also bought Understanding the Borderline Mother, which is amazing.

Thank you for your support and advice!

[zone out]

Hi

Think I will have to get Understanding the Borderline Mother - I'm amassing quite a little library! 

Don't know if you have considered 'mindfulness' yet.  There are quite a few good references on this site.  Definitely something I am looking into - seems to be very effective for anxiety.  Perhaps it would be useful to switch the phone off first!

A two pronged approach might be useful - developing techniques such as SET etc to enable us to handle the uBPD/BPD and learning processes such as mindfulness to calm our exhausted nerves. Sometimes I have felt that I have been 'running on empty' and that is not a good way to be.  When you are drained of resources it can affect your physical and mental health.

Its good to share experiences and thoughts

Zone out