Wake me up from this nightmare... Need some advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After months of reading, healing slowly - I was doing so much better till yesterday.

But I have been feeling awful today. Successfully completed 2 months staying away from FB entirely.

I wish somebody could just stop me in some way from looking at his or his wife's FB profile, give me a piece of medicine that would make me feel better about myself.

All day i have been imagining how happy he is now that he is married, his wedding pics and the newly weds happy faces pics, posts of how much FUN they are having, about his new house, celebrations must be floating around FB and on every street of London... . painting the town red!

Even worse is my self-esteem is in ruins since i read about his wife online, about her professional success and interview of her in IT blogs - I am only SHOCKED a woman so independent, professionally successful, and smart (THAN HIM in all ways), agreed for an 'arranged marriage' especially approving THIS man within weeks of meeting him!  

He must be FLAUNTING his trophy wife amongst his friends and professional circle.

Struggling more because, i am literally living on pennies - foolishly spent all my money in travelling to meet him each time thousands of miles away... . for what, to be dumped and discarded in the end?

It's nothing worse than a nightmare... .

[stop2think]

After months of reading, healing slowly - I was doing so much better till yesterday.

But I have been feeling awful today. Successfully completed 2 months staying away from FB entirely.

I wish somebody could just stop me in some way from looking at his or his wife's FB profile, give me a piece of medicine that would make me feel better about myself.

All day i have been imagining how happy he is now that he is married, his wedding pics and the newly weds happy faces pics, posts of how much FUN they are having, about his new house, celebrations must be floating around FB and on every street of London... . painting the town red!

Even worse is my self-esteem is in ruins since i read about his wife online, about her professional success and interview of her in IT blogs - I am only SHOCKED a woman so independent, professionally successful, and smart (THAN HIM in all ways), agreed for an 'arranged marriage' especially approving THIS man within weeks of meeting him!  

He must be FLAUNTING his trophy wife amongst his friends and professional circle.

Struggling more because, i am literally living on pennies - foolishly spent all my money in travelling to meet him each time thousands of miles away... . for what, to be dumped and discarded in the end?

It's nothing worse than a nightmare... .

[papawapa]

Remember this one thing about the facebook:

99.9% of all the things people post on there are intended to paint themselves in the most positive light.

Take some time and scroll through what your friends post and you will see what I mean. People use it to put up a false front, to show their lives are perfect, to show they are just as happy as everyone else appears to be. Rarely will you see someone post anything at all about struggles they are having.

[simplyasiam]

i did the face book thing with my 1st wife she has no mentally illness but was a jerk kept my kids and i apart for years... . killed me

they looked so happy seem to be living good life

my oldest is 18 now and has come back around, she has told me it was back with ex and new husband from the start.

i looked at her page a month ago and she was with someone new and still married to H number2

i looked two weeks ago and saw shes go the big D again

looked last week and she has posted shes geting married in a few months

she looked so happy with number 2 right up till the end

best i can tell you is trust nothing you hear and only half of what you see

[winston72]

So sorry for your pain!  So difficult.

But... . he is the same man that was so tortuous for you... . and he will be for her.  Marriage did not change him... . and especially such a rapid engagement sets him and his wife up for some tremendous stress in the future.  I say this not for your vindication, but rather some comfort for you... . his personality and his life did not suddenly improve.  You are in a better place by being on the outside looking in... . that inside place is not a good one!

I have no solutions for the temptations of searching for information or fb information on anyone.  Tens of thousands of people here have struggled with the same thing, so please do not be hard on yourself.  It is obviously less painful to not be doing it... . but it will fade in its due time.  Be kind to yourself!  All will be well.

Listen to me, being so encouraging!  But... . I am feeling it for you.

[stop2think]

Thank you all for responding, it means a lot to me. Especially in these very hard times when noone is around to help but i just kick myself up to take each day as it comes. My friends have vanished too, i guess they are tired or hearing to me. Feel like a whiner!

But... . he is the same man that was so tortuous for you... . and he will be for her.  Marriage did not change him... . and especially such a rapid engagement sets him and his wife up for some tremendous stress in the future.  I say this not for your vindication, but rather some comfort for you... . his personality and his life did not suddenly improve.  You are in a better place by being on the outside looking in... . that inside place is not a good one!

Thanks a mill winston. Appreciate the support and encouragement you gave me.

I have resisted the wicked temptation to sneak-peak his/his wife's profile. I dislike feeling weak, especially for a man who treated me with no respect and love. Who left me when all i did was do everything to see him happy.

[Rose Tiger]

You did in good faith love this person.  You are a sweet person that deserves so much better.  Remember the pain it causes when you look, it's like we pick up a hammer and start pounding it on our fingers.  OUCH!  Pain!  Intense pain!  If you can keep the hammer picture in your mind, think about it whenever you think about clicking those sites.  Then reward yourself for not looking.  Reward yourself for everyday that you didn't look.  

That smart woman is in for a very rude awakening.  How difficult is it to get a divorce from an arranged marriage?  She is in deep deep trouble.

[stop2think]

Rose tiger,

I guess i am still freshly bruised from the last hits i took when i checked his FB status about merry-making in his home town and his mother posting about her son's engagement.

I got to know he asked his family not to add her on FB until they were married (so i wouldn't know who the girl was).  

He did not give anyone a hint about his engagement. Only his close friends knew about it but were not introduced to her in person. He did not change his profile pic, or posted anythingf on FB.

Now i am not sure and neither am i prepared to know or see all the updates... . would kill me!

I know he will do anything to keep his wife happy, (fear of abandonment) more so as divorce in arranged marriage is next to impossible.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi S2T, It seems like you are torturing yourself with thoughts of how happy he is without you, when who knows what the real story is.  More to the point, who cares?  You are the priority here, not him.  Take good care of yourself and let him go.  You are much better off being out of a BPD relationship, believe me.  I spent 16 years married to a pwBPD and it was no picnic and nearly destroyed me.  So rock on, and be grateful you're moving forward without him.  Lucky Jim

[Rose Tiger]

I got to know he asked his family not to add her on FB until they were married (so i wouldn't know who the girl was)

Are you serious?  Oh, that is so ridiculous.  I'm so sorry they treated you like that!    Towards the end with my ex, we were having dinner and his teenage girls were going on and on about what an awful dog I had.  Excuse me, he was a puppy, an hyperactive crazy puppy but the way they went on, it was to get to me.  How bad I sucked for not being a better dog trainer.  A-holes.  Uh, yeah, thanks for offering to help with the puppy... . not!  Oh sweetie, a disordered person is going to have disordered family.  It's not you!  It is NOT YOU!

What can be hard is the lonliness, going from a r/s to no r/s.  It's so dang hard.  If only... . they could of been what they first represented and didn't take folks down a road of betrayal, devalue, it just plain sucks.  Really, if I couldn't have divorced the ex, I would either be on the run or jumping off a cliff.  They are so toxic.  Hang in there, the poision is leaving your system and it hurts.

I saw a flower growing out concrete today.  A really pretty marigold.  How did it do that?  How did it grow and flower, out of concrete?  Reminds me of all of us.  Persevering, growing a bloom!  While in the middle of concrete!

[Clearmind]

All day i have been imagining how happy he is now that he is married, his wedding pics and the newly weds happy faces pics, posts of how much FUN they are having, about his new house, celebrations must be floating around FB and on every street of London... . painting the town red!

Yep sounds all roses doesn't it stop2think.  Until I read the next bit... .

... . SHOCKED a woman so independent, professionally successful, and smart (THAN HIM in all ways), agreed for an 'arranged marriage' especially approving THIS man within weeks of meeting him!  

See the irony? Idealization is powerful until it becomes so debilitating you cannot think.

He must be FLAUNTING his trophy wife amongst his friends and professional circle.

Your Ego has taken a bit of a beating stop2think. How can you move out of this thinking? This is about you... .

It's nothing worse than a nightmare... .

It hurts alright - granted! You will most likely want to follow this "match made in heaven" love story and wonder why in 6 months time they are still posting loving pics of themselves. Firstly, don't believe all the FB shows itself to be.

Secondly, find ways to move past this hurt by concentrating on why you are hooked to this man. OK some other woman has him now - I know it hurts - however you were her once. Dig deep at the jealousy you feel for this other woman - your self worth or lack there of kicks in here.

Find your personal power because you are giving it away right now to a person who tramped on it once upon a time.

What is the hook stop2think?