don't know what to expect: he asked me to meet him and then disappeared...

[Billa]

last friday, I texted my exBPDbf, as after being unblocked on Facebook and Whatsapp I was every day more nervous, 'cause I felt it was a sort of message from him. I just wrote "hi, how are you?" and he answered after some minutes. He wrote he was working hard, but he was going to have a break, from the following monday and asked me how I was doing. I didn't answered and congratulated him for his new tv programme. We talked a little about it and then he asked me for the second time how I was doing. I didn't want to tell him the truth, that I'm hurting very much, but I also didn't want to lie, so I said that I missed him very much (the rational part of myself was gone... . My hands were trembling so much that I almost could't write... . ). He replied "I'm sorry. I think we could re-establish a normal relationship". I answered that for me it was ok (after having been painted black for at least three months, I saw it as a first step to whatever could come after- even if I know that it is not sane. But I really can't stop thinking to him... . ). then he asked me to meet him "to clear the air from some past misundestanding" (which ones?). I agreed and he told me that on tuesday he had to fetch his father to the airport and then he would have had some days of total relax and if I preferred we could meet somewhere in the middle of the way (we live in different towns, two hours by car). I replied that to me it was the same and he he answered it was ok, we would arrange it. As I wrote in the beginning of this post, all this happened last friday, today is thursday and I have no news from him... . My T says she thinks he wants to re-engage, but at his own rules. She also added that he showed no love or contrition, his behaviour showed pure aggressivity, in the sense that he seems to be measuring his power over me. I'm very confused, I'm not even sure that he'll contact me again. Perhaps he has already changed his mind. Or he is doing some of his favourite mind games, the cat and mouse sort of. I know no one can really preview what it is going to happen, but I wanted to share this with you and have your opinion about it, if you want.

[connect]

Hi Billa 

Well my bf dumped me for 13 days and he reached out by text to me on day 10 in a similar way, hinting I should go to his house to collect some things. He was friendly by text as though nothing had happened. A few messages back and forth and then nothing. Like you that left me in turmoil. I texted him eventually as it was driving me crazy - we met up and re-started the r/s and are still in the r/s. I think that it is common for them to put out feelers to see where you are with them, ie if you are still talking to them, angry, moved on, pining, want to re-engage etc etc. I am not sure that they then always know what they want to do with the info once they have it. Mine didn't seem to know. Do you want him back? Is there anything you want to talk about with him?   

[Billa]

well, in these days I don't know what I want, really. A part of myself wants him eagerly back , but I'm facing the fact that, although he was the one who asked to see me, six days have passed and he has completely disappeared, not even a text. And this is disappointing and annoying me very much. Because i'm left here waiting, as ever. And because all this, in some ways, sounds to me as a sort of silent treatment, a new form of manipulation, playing more mind games, in order to "get even with me" for being the one who left (at least in his mind). And I don't like it because he is always working under the surface, never doing things in an open and clear way.

[Lao Tzu]

Hi Fellow Travelers,

    I'm so happy to see this thread today as I'm in the same boat of wondering "What the H... . is going on?" It's always a bit easier to understand what someone else is facing as you don't have the confusion of a thousand conflicting memories and desires.  The therapist sounds exactly correct to me.  He's probably torn a bit as he feels this is the best way to recycle, but these folks just don't ever want to be questioned about anything.  When hhe realized that he might be cornered he probably got loose bowels about the whole matter.  

    You can look at it as a compliment (of a sort) to you and your relationship that he still thinks of you, as many here have had the SO leave without ever giving a second thought to them.  The truth, however, seems to be that the mistake we are making is that the SO feels the same way we do.  Thinking of you and wanting to recycle generally means to them that they now want you to provide some more of their needs for a short time until they feel you're "engulfing" them again and they dump you without a thought and move on to the next person to provide them with what they need.

    The better question for us all is why we want the clearly toxic r/s back.  It answers a deep-seated need that we have despite the terrible cost.  The key to happiness here is to deal with that need without the pwBPD. Think of heroin addiction and you'll be on the right track.

LT

[tailspin]

Billa,

It's not possible to know how their twisted thinking leads them to any conclusions.  It seems you are content for now, at least, with him calling all the shots.  I don't see any positive change possible unless and until you take control of your life again.  You will never really know what to expect as long as you give someone else the power to control your own happiness. 

tailspin

[Billa]

you're right Tailspin, he is still controlling my life and he is perfectly conscious of it. At the moment, I'm trying to keep calm and think about what I really want, before taking any decision. In the past, at the end of our r/s I reacted to his behaviour in a way that was more painful for myself than for him, I believe. And I left the r/s when I was not ready to do it, out of rage, and I'm still very angry with myself for it, as I felt gullible and manipulated. So, now I want to keep calm and try to understand what are the actual positive chances and what the hope that I'm projecting over this new circumstances. And I don't want to give him more feedback about the power i'm still giving to him.

[tailspin]

Billa,

It's a horrible feeling to be manipulated and then dropped on our heads by the person in the world we trusted the most.  I don't blame you at all for being angry and leaving him.  You may think this all happened before you were ready, but your instincts took over and decided now was the time to act.  This is important... . and I think you should listen to and honor your instincts instead of blaming yourself.  You left because you weren't emotionally safe with him; you left because you are important and you matter and you knew he would never, ever see this.  

You will find your center, your core, and your balance.  And when you do... . you will realize everything that happened with him has led you to a place of strength and wisdom.  Trust yourself to find this path and then have the courage to walk it.  

Do it for you  

tailspin

[Billa]

at the moment, I haven't heard anything from him and I feel very bad about it. I'm angry, i'm hurting, I feel a sort of indignation, as he was the one who asked to meet and then simply disappeared, leaving me waiting for him, as ever... . I know that there is no use in trying to understand, but my mind can't stop wondering why... .

[eng123]

The reasons why he is not responding is not important.  What is important is that he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.  It is not good enough, he doesn't care enough about your feelings, he is not treating you like a person he cares at all about.

I went through the same thing. A planned meeting, then she plain disappeared for good... . I had no idea - was it a joke, was it a message - was I not getting it? was it pure meanness? was she safe - should I do something? what did I do?  To this day, I have no clue or closure.    At the end of the day - I didn't matter enough to her to even say goodbye.

He is probably dealing with a self-inflicted problem that you have nothing to do with.  Contacting you was fun for a few minutes, a manipulation, a liar's smirk or thrill, but then it is off to the races on some other boondoggle.