I feel broken

[cska]

Hi guys... .

I feel really broken. I haven't spoken to my girl for some time now, and I know that being with her is impossible. The last times we were together were pretty much unbearable. She would cry, threaten me with suicide, make demands. When I was with her, it was unbearable, and I knew that this kind of a dynamic cannot go any longer. And yet when she is gone, I feel broken, even though I know that its impossible for me to be with her. I've reached out to her over email, told her that I Love her, but she rejected me.

I try to move on, I even made a profile on a dating website. Sometimes, I feel good about moving on, and enthusiastic about my free future (being with her was like being caged, she wouldn't let me go anywhere without her). But most of the time, I feel rotten about moving on, because I've promised to be with her all my life. She was my baby. We were planning to have a family together. And when I try to move on, I feel like I'm betraying my love for her, even though I know that the way things are now, we cannot be together. I know she mistreated me, but my view on Love is that "Love suffers long and is kind. It is not proud. It is not self-seeking. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

So when I try to move on, I feel like I'm betraying myself, betraying my own definition of Love. And as a result, I feel broken and torn apart... .

[seeking balance]

Hi cska,

It's ok to feel broken 

We deeply loved someone and it didn't work out he way we envisioned.  Because the high was so high, the low is equally as low.  Give yourself the time to feel sad and broken - it won't last forever.

I had to redefine love, sometimes love is about letting go because it is the kindest thing.  With BPD, we are their trigger - as such, we become the cause of the extreme pain.

Give yourself the time you truly need to grieve this significant loss.  Treat yourself as you would a dear friend with patience and kindness.

Peace,

SB

[simplyasiam]

hello cska.

i feel the same alot my ex is seeing some new and that part kills and makes me feel foolish for wanting her back

the tool they list here do help to see things in a new way

[willtimeheal]

Cska

Moving on is the hardest thing you will do. I miss my ex BPD so much. We had plans to marry and be together for the rest of our lives. Her children were my children. I haven't seen them in over three months. She is seeing someone new now but texts me and tells me she is not happy and want  to be with me. But she doesn't want to hurt this new person. For me it is a double edged sword. Being together was so difficult and being apart is so difficult but I cannot afford to waste my life waiting for her to make a decision. I started dating. It sucks and no one compares. But keep going out. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.  Some people fall in love but aren't meant to be together. Let her go and move on with your life. As hard as it is.

[cska]

Thank you for the kind words. I'm feeling better now, but it oh god, it was a rough day.

Indeed, moving on is hard. I find myself stuck on a roller coaster. Some days I feel great, other days I feel like I'm beaten down. I guess I should ride out the bad times and keep moving forward.

At this point, I don't even miss my ex, because she became unbearable. But I miss what could have been. I miss the idealization period. She was so kind, so sweet. Knowing that I will never experience that with her again, that I'll never have a family with her, leaves me with a terrible void... . I hope I'll be able to fill that void one day, but at this point, it seems impossible that I'll ever be able to fill it. Very hard to stay optimistic after my dreams have been shattered.

[MarkMo]

 I feel the exact same way but I don't know if I can ever fully move on. We have 3 children together and she will be in my life forever whether she wants to be or not. For me, there is no greater pain. I envisioned growing old together. I envisioned everything a great relationship can have.

She has now let her disorder take over and moved on to a much older man. I feel like there are so many success stories and I ask myself why can't I be one of them?

I know the feeling but for me I cannot start truly dating until my mind and heart are in the right place. We can have fun and get out of the house but do not try and totally move on at first. Take baby steps. I know that it wouldn't be fair to any new woman or to myself for that matter if I tried to get into an actually relationship. I feel like the mere thought of it is a betrayal to her. Im not sure if I really ever can move on until I see that there is really no hope.

So, like I said. Baby steps. Don't let someone else replace bad emotions for good. Heal and then move on. I think about that and I say to myself "wow that is going to be forever". Its a lot harder than it sounds, I know.

[willtimeheal]

Cska

Hang in there. I miss my BPD so much. I used to remember all the good times of us laughing and having fun. But over the last two days when I start to think of the good times the difficult times are starting to filter in. I remember the emotional abuse. The drinking the lying. My idealizaition memories are starting to be replaced with the actual memories of our relationship. Doesn't make me miss or want her any less but it puts the reality of the relationship in focus. But I can honestly say I still hope she comes back to me.  I hope she finds the strength to tell this guy she  is unhappy and wants me me but I also realize she  is ill. So I ride that rollercoaster with you. Stay strong.

[tailspin]

cska 

Feeling broken is a blessing because it forces our attention back upon ourselves. 

If you lean into the pain, and give it the attention it deserves, you will soon be free of it.  Give yourself permission to grieve everything that is lost and everything that will never be.  Being broken is like a fire that burns everything to ashes so that we may rise again and begin fresh.  Have faith in this process and believe in yourself. 

tailspin

[Bananas]

cska 

Feeling broken is a blessing because it forces our attention back upon ourselves. 

If you lean into the pain, and give it the attention it deserves, you will soon be free of it.  Give yourself permission to grieve everything that is lost and everything that will never be.  Being broken is like a fire that burns everything to ashes so that we may rise again and begin fresh.  Have faith in this process and believe in yourself. 

tailspin

Thanks for writing that Tailspin.  I didn't cry much at the initial "breakup" (there really wasn't one - he just moved on) because I was in a state of total shock and disbelief.  Now that I am starting to process things I am feeling more of the broken feelings.

[seeking balance]

But I miss what could have been. I miss the idealization period.

I think this is true for a lot of us.  We allowed all of our dreams and unresolved emotions to be "healed" by this person... . we think for a minute, "this is it, this is what I was waiting for, I feel loved like never before".

So when it ends, we now grieve the relationship, our unresolved emotional issues and the dream of the future we had created.  It takes time and it is an emotional roller coaster - but it is worth the process because we will find our balance again and we do move on with life.

Keep staying honest with your feelings - it is in this honesty that the healing can begin and continue.

Peace,

SB