I'm back after a three year hiatus and I'm hurting

[momofrage]

Wow, can't believe I haven't been on the board for over 3 years! It was a real rollercoaster ride with my DD for a while. Thankfully, for now she has settled down, gone back to college, is on the dean's list, and everyone thinks she is doing well.

I am concerned about her alcohol use (way too many facebook posts about it) and the fact that my ex seems to be encouraging it. I suspect he and some of his family have alcohol issues. She is living with my ex when school is not in session.

I'm moved on. I moved to another state, remarried, and am building a new life.

I've gotten pretty good at detaching. Maybe too good, because DD is so detached from me that I hardly ever hear from her. I periodically send letters, cards, texts, chat messages, phone calls, etc., and only rarely do I get a response. Xmas? No response. Mother's Day? No response. Every holiday I find myself waiting for the call that never comes. It hurts.

It hurts more when my ex and my parents tell me "how great DD is doing". It looks like she is now, and I pray that she continues to function well, but I know she hasn't dealt with her disease. My ex doesn't believe she is BPD and says that mental health professionals are full of ___.

Just wanted to hear from some people in similar situations. I couldn't handle the daily contact, but the lack of contact hurts too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi momofrage, welcome back!

I know how it hurts to be constantly grieving. My dd32, doesn't respond to me either. I have seen her twice this year (I think), she doesn't respond to the texts I send her regularly asking to catch up, she ignored my b'day just last week. It's much the same as you I think and it is a terrible pain in my heart too.

I relieve my pain by working hard at learning all I can on how I can be better able to develop our relationship when we do have contact, and it has helped me enormously. Not only do I feel better prepared for when I am able to see her, my learning has given me the knowledge that I can be happy while I hold this pain in my heart. I have learned much that has helped, mainly through the support and guidance of the people on this site here. Posting here has been what has 'saved' me.

What has kept you together for the last three years?

Vivek     

[qcarolr]

momofrage -     I so do remember you and your family, and all the great support you gave me when my DD (now 27) was first homeless. I have been thinking of you lately - wondering how the organ playing and new r/s was going?  I sounds like that part of your life is doing OK, and you miss out on the changes in your D's life. I am glad things are working for her right now. It does hurt so much when there is no contact when you are reaching out to her. I hope we can give you the support needed to help you build this bridge.

I have learned some new things here since you have been gone, about reconnecting in healthier ways with my DD. It is far from perfect in our home (she has been back for 2 years, though still at times with her homeless 'clan'. Learning about validation has been a wonderful thing to  learn/to be continuing to learn. It really provides the needed connection balance for the boundaries and detachment lessons.

Here is a good video:  Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family by Alan Fruzzetti, Ph.D

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203906.0%5Bsize=8pt

Here is a good workshop: Communication: Validation Tools and Techniques

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr