Borderline 'love' vs family love

[Reg]

Hi,

I know that a borderline sees her partner that she thinks to love as others do experience it, infact thinks of you as a nobject to use for achieving a number of things... .

But I'm wondering how they would describe the love for their family.

It never went in the right direction bteween my dad and her, due to the start of his Alzheimer, and turning him into a women hater because of the memories that came back from his first marriage and took over most of his mind.  He was bitter about this and actually never told us a lot on the matter, but he must have suffered a lot.

But I actually experienced that in a way she did care about my mother, she never did say a wrong word about her, rather in contrast partially with her own family situation.

Her mother could not let go of her daughter, that was clear, rang up to 5 times or more a day, texted her where she was, etc, and this may have had to do with the fact that she was over worried about her daughter and her behaviour, even when halfway in her thirties.

One moment she would be angry at her mother for doing so, the next she was not, and she was very often to her parents home.  And then in moments much less.

It was quite different from her attitude with my mom. 

So it made me wonder, how do they then experience love for family members etc ?

Reg

[Validation78]

Hi Reg!

I've read of many different experiences with regards to your question. I found that my ex had the same type of relationship with his friends, kids, and FOO that he had with me. He only let us all get so close. The closer we got, the greater his fear of abandonment was triggered. On the outside, they look like a very close family. That's the way it appears. To an insider, like me though, I could see what he does. He doesn't talk to them about deep issues, doesn't discuss feelings on personal stuff, simply keeping them at arms length. He is charming around them,  and loving, yet behind their backs, expressed horrible sentiments when they didn't live up to his expectations. Hum, it all sounds familiar to me, and further proof to me of his illness. If you asked him if he loves (me in the past of course) all of us, he would say more than anything. However, his version of love is very different than mine, and I venture to guess, most of us!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Reg]

Hi Val 78 !

Thank you very much for the reply, it is all so familiar to me what you're saying in her behavior towards her own family.

I even saw the same thing happening with her aunt, who committed suicide two and a half years ago, and who had partially raised her, on one moment she was the only real friend and support in her life, on other moments she could be turning in a complete other direction - especially each moment when her aunt had told me that I was absolutely right in a situation... .   And even told me on a moment, in her face, just leave her, she will realise one day what she is missing.  Unfortunately she was in a much worse situation, with a very bad end... .

That's why it is so unbelievable to me, that she never ever said one bad word about my mom.

Their version of love has actually nothing to do with love indeed, but with needs... .

Best regards,

Reg

[Reg]

Actually I was wondering if anyone has an explanation for the fact that my ex borderline never ever said one bad thing about my mother, why she was the great exception in her way of thinking and behaving even towards her own family... .