Physical Abuse and my feelings I just can't reconsile them.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I left my ex about three weeks ago because I was afraid that she might end up killing me accidentally in one of her rages.

It’s been three weeks of hell. I can't make any sense of it. I'm trying to but it doesn't make sense. The physical abuse is why I left but the emotional abuse and manipulative control is what really took its greatest toll. I felt and still feel like I was absolutely losing my mind. I knew what she was doing was wrong and I knew the things she blamed me for and expected out of me were impossible. Once she accused me of cheating on her in an incestuous relationship with my cousin. GROSS! That was just one of the more disgusting cheating accusations. In one rage she was swinging at me and later said that if I was a real man I would have grabbed her hands pulled her close and told her everything was going to be ok. Unrealistic expectations lead to rages and I was expected to just be ok and loving 5 minutes after she had calmed down.

I can’t make any sense of why I stayed as long as I did. I think it’s because I have a deep desire for a family and I loved her and her kids like they were my own. But I have to say the idea of a relationship with her was definitely more enjoyable than the experience. But seriously? I’ve got so many scars from her rages when I start missing her I just run my hand over my head or look in the mirror. I can’t make sense of any of it why do I miss someone that would run over me like that. I wouldn’t let anyone else do that to me. The relationship was hell.

I am working with a therapist, they actually turned me on to BPD and I’ve done so much reading and seen many examples of BPD behavior in my ex. Also as I learn and try to sort through everything it’s clear that I have a lot of a lot of work to do getting back on my feet from this trauma.

My question is if this sounds similar to your relationship how hard has it been to start getting things straight in your head? I’m almost discouraged by the amount of work it looks like it’s going to take.

[mitchell16]

ObiRedKenobi, sorry You are going through this. Im in the same shape. I cant really say how long it will take. But I have the smae questions for myself. I wonder why I stayed aslong as I did. I dindt fear mine exBPDgf phyically but the verbal abuse was terrible. This baords have helped me out so much. Lots of good advice.

[motherof1yearold]

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but in the same breath I'm glad you are here and also glad you are in therapy.

PLEASE look at this link to the 'power and control wheel'. this paper is used in domestic violence classes as well as batterers intervention programs.

www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=www.uic.edu/depts/owa/power_control-wheel_clip_image001.jpg&imgrefurl=www.uic.edu/depts/owa/power_control-wheel.html&h=600&w=600&sz=77&tbnid=wpItAHAFqdg3TM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=90&zoom=1&usg=__CtP-28RqU5gqqBC_Hfn212ByHxw=&docid=jXFtMZ1IvIfAjM&sa=X&ei=WtDgUffFGqTj4APxvYCYAQ&ved=0CDYQ9QEwAQ&dur=312


I have taken 24 Domestic violence classes where I live and I've seen much too often how DV plays a role in BPD behaviors. I would love to help you out on a personal level , as I have experience in that exact type situation.

[ObiRedKenobi]

Thank you for the link! I would appreciate all the help I can get right now. My therapist gave me a paper copy of the power and control wheel our first session. Its actually sitting by my laptop right now.

I was raised never to hit a woman. And so I never have even to defend myself against her. I just felt like I needed to say that.

The whole relationship was about control. She slowly gained control in the relationship in all the area's on that wheel. Using some techniques listed and some more diabolical. If I knew then what I know now I would have been in a better position to defend my boundries, but I don't think that there was much hope for this relationship even if I had mastered all the tools for living with someone with BPD.

What I'm trying to sort through now is that my heart wants to go back and make it work but my head knows it won't work ever. I'm not going to go back so don't worry but its that conflict thats confusing me. Wondering why I let things get to the point they did and wanting to make sure it never happens again.

[motherof1yearold]

SHE was the true abuser in this case... . that in combination of having BPD, she projected everything on to you, hence why she insisted you were abusive/controlling/ etc.

It's often hard for me to comprehend how my ex was able to gain so much control over me as well... . After A LOT of therapy, and DV classes, I came to terms with the fact that their control sneaks up slow and insidious.

I'm sure if we went on a first date with someone, and they went through our calls and text messages , and moved into our house that same day, we would be VERY OFF PUT and know something was horribly wrong.

The power and control builds up VERY suttle , and very slowly.

[ObiRedKenobi]

It's been a rough few days and thats exactly why. Going over the relationship from the beginning but with a new perspective on things. There were a lot of things that have happened that I haven't really given any thought to recently. But thinking about them I've gotten angry, sad and everything in between.

It's like a snowball rolling down hill. Its little things that made me go huh that was rude to checking my phone and starting our first fight over nothing, and on to bigger and more destructive thats for sure. Slowly shattering bounderies and lessening the resistance to that shattering.

The whole process has been exhausting but kind of rewarding in a small way. Comming to grips managing my expectations that I'll probably never get what I want from her. Looking at myself and trying to just put things in buckets. Ok that was a bone headed move but didn't warrent the reaction it recieved. Or there is no way I could have known to do this so I in no way deserved that. Yes that was a mistake but I owned it and apologized punishing me repeatedly was not necessary.

Working on putting perspective on things has been a great help. Its going to take me a while to get my confidence back but I'm breathing easier and I haven't had an anxiety attack since I left. I never had anxiety before we got together. I'm starting to feel like I can put myself together eventually and thats a good feeling.

[Suzn]

A lot of times we miss the person we "imagined" them to become. I had a similar reason for staying Obi, it was the family I had always wanted and never had. It becomes akin to an addiction wanting them to fulfill our "fantasy" of having what we want. It makes it easier to let the harmful behaviors slide. Coming to terms with both or many sides of a person we were involved with can be difficult.

Some of us struggle a great deal with the thoughts of being alone. We would rather give into abusive behavior than be alone. This can be dangerous for both people. Someone with abusive tendencies needs help to gain self control, we being the recipient and continuing to go back says we need some guidance too. A person can only find success if they see their own behaviors, become honest with themselves about them and seek out that help.

Has there been a time in your life, prior to this relationship, you had these same feelings where you longed for a family?

[ObiRedKenobi]

Without a doubt. I've always wanted a family at least since I finished school. I suppose I've felt it stronger lately since I'm not getting any younger. I also feel like I didn't really have a chance to settle down working 60-70 hours a week and accepting promotions about every two years ment moving accross the country at least till I got laid off when the company took a downturn. That whole time I did want a family just didn't get to do much more than casually date.

It is the family that I wanted but never had. You hit the nail on the head. I've over looked a lot of things in the name of making things "work".

It wasn't really until I started really examining things that I realize the ground I gave way till there wasn't much of me left. I may never come to terms with all the sides of her. To be honest I almost don't care. When I look at who I was and who I've become I don't like who I've become so I'm more concerned with getting back to myself. That doesn't mean I don't miss her or have feelings for her, my heart hurts but not as angry as I'm getting thinking of the verbal and physical abuse I let myself take.

[fromheeltoheal]

My transgression was I was chomping too many Doritos during a movie; that resulted in extreme rage and lost blood on my part.  Think Jodi Arias.  Sounds like you can relate, but the part of your story that struck me is you mention getting back to where you were and thinking timeframes, which is very healthy.  Some folks get stuck and can't move on.  I was hellbent on getting over her quickly, it didn't quite happen like that, but it takes what it takes.  It's been a year for me, I had a dream with her in it the other night, but for the most part I'm now looking forward not back, and she's faded almost completely.  Good luck, one step at a time.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I dream about her all the time sometimes three or four a night. Which is strange I don't usually remember my dreams.

I think what has saved me is I always KNEW it was wrong. I KNEW it wasn't right or always my fault. I did always make an excuse though. The DR changed her medicine or well her health issue is causing her a lot of pain right now. Lets get that taken care of or straightened out and things will get back to normal. Later I made excuses well she lost her job things will change when she's working agian and if not at least she has a way to support herself.

I never got into a fight over Doritos but that sounds about the type of thing we would fight about. Its crazy how I've read so many stories on here with so many similarities with in most cases people that don't know anything about each other.

Right now I feel motivated enough to say I want over her and done quickly but I know its not going to be that easy.

[hanginon]

Everything mentioned here is so close to home. I am amazed at how many people fall victim to a s/o with BPD. I was like a lamb to slaughter... . and still allow her to mess with my head from time to time. After educating myself some she now says I need to stop reading and listening to people who don't know us and don't know our hearts and that God would not want to see a family broken apart. (its just me and her, no children) I say God wouldn't want me to live in hell on earth with an emotionally abusive woman who isn't quite my biblical "helpmate".

She just had her court date for assaulting me and I can identify with that.  Also got a cell phone to the head once but no physical scars, I keep the fleece jacket she ripped off me trying to keep me from leaving an argument that had gotten out of control.  The control and manipulation.  She had every password to anything I had an account on and would occasionally demand I bring my work computer home so she could see what I was up to at work... . email, browsing history, going through my phone, the phone bill, my backpack.  Prisioners in some third world countries are treated better than I was.

She is low functioning meaning she cannot keep a job more than a month before everything goes to heck in a handbasket so now she has deduced that I am a good provider, have insurance and stability in my life. Something she never had before me... . so now she has made a proclamation that God healed her at church and I need to just forget anything that happened in the past because she has changed now.(?)  Did I mention that two weeks later she did a half hearted overdose because i would not believe her?  She fails to see that this is just continued behavior of her illness. The endless circular arguments, the fog, JADE from me... . it is just like emotional torture. It has always killed me that the instant an argument was resolved, almost always by my compromising... . she would want intimate contact. I was usually still mad about being manipulated and just being pissed in general so... . my not being interested would be then source of a follow on argument about how I don't love her as much as she loved me... . man it can be a hell of a place to be.

I can relate!

Best wishes to all! We need support from each other, I think that is all that will get us through this mine field.

Hanginon

[BenTired]

Obi... . I'm so sorry for your pain. It does get better my friend... . I promise... . I can't say when as we all heal differently, but you will get through this. It is uncanny how similar all of our stories are. Its as if we've dated the same person. Everything I just read from all the posters above is familiar to me and scarily so. Certainly no accusations of incest either but a lot of similar situations.

Charred... . your explanation may be the clearest and most accurate that I've heard yet. At least with respect to my situation... . I think that I may print it and make an appt with my T and show her. Lol... . My T asked if I had seen Forrest Bump one day. I said yes, why? She said Run Forrest Run! My T was also accurate in telling me that in her opinion after talking to me that one day my BPDex was gonna do something either big or small and I was gonna wash my hands of her and not look back. That is exactly what happened . I've had enough.

[Suzn]

It is the family that I wanted but never had. You hit the nail on the head. I've over looked a lot of things in the name of making things "work".

I over looked things too. For me one of the hardest parts to get over was my role in this relationship-the provider and enabler. It gave me purpose when I really didn't have purpose in my life prior, no direction and I really didn't have my life built up around me with personal interests that meant something to me. So when I finally stopped being an enabler I was somewhat in a free fall, who am I and what is my purpose now?

That's when I found these boards and started working on the lessons here. Have you had a chance to look through the lessons and workshops?

[constantinus]

hey, me too.

Just so you know, you're not alone; messed up as it is.

Last night my stbex shows up pounding at my door at midnight; to demand I give her a hug and tell her everything is great.

All her narratives are about her; all her needs, her expectations.

I have two daughters and 18 years of marriage; I participated in this dynamic playing the Caregiver role; and dissolving myself to fit in her view of things.

Ultimately it cost me my health

And yet, It feel so bad to be away, so against the grain. As if I needed the abuse; as if anything I ever did made her any happier.

[PrettyPlease]

As if I needed the abuse; as if anything I ever did made her any happier.

+1 on the "as if anything I ever did made her any happier."

And, forgive me because not everyone appreciates looking at these situations from a humorous point of view; but it just occurred to me that maybe a one analogy for the 'making her happier' problem is a rat on a treadmill.

The BPD person is the rat.

The non is the treadmill.

The rat needs the treadmill, and running on it makes the rat happy (or at least, less unhappy).

If the treadmill develops independence (becomes less co-dependent), and manages to exit the scene (which the rat will try to prevent), then the rat will find another treadmill.

A small % of the rats can be taught how to live life without requiring a treadmill, but few rats are motivated to do the hard work required to get to this stage. Most prefer to run on a treadmill.

PP

[ObiRedKenobi]

I over looked things too. For me one of the hardest parts to get over was my role in this relationship-the provider and enabler. It gave me purpose when I really didn't have purpose in my life prior, no direction and I really didn't have my life built up around me with personal interests that meant something to me. So when I finally stopped being an enabler I was somewhat in a free fall, who am I and what is my purpose now?

That's when I found these boards and started working on the lessons here. Have you had a chance to look through the lessons and workshops?

I can relate to a lot of that. But somewhere along the way I got lost in my provider role and became an enabler. And when I became an enabler it seems I lost a lot of myself.

I've been going through the lessons and they've been a real help. Right now I feel like I'm on information overload about BPD and I just need to take some time to let what I've read and thought about sink in. I've read maybe hundreds of articles including a lot of the lessons and information on these boards. I read "I hate you don't leave me" in a day and a half. I've got my reasons why some things happened sort of. I know I'm not crazy. I think I need to let that settle for a bit and get back to some things I enjoy. I called my old tennis partner up and have some games scheduled. Once I fulfill my financial commitments to her I’m going on a shopping spree for myself. I haven’t bought anything worthwhile for myself in it seems like forever. I’m getting pretty excited by the prospect. I met with my T yesterday and they said that it seems like I have a pretty solid core I just needed to some education to get anchored again so we’re just going to an every other week basis.

[ObiRedKenobi]

As if I needed the abuse; as if anything I ever did made her any happier.

Quoted for truth.

I see what your saying about the treadmill. I always thought about myself as the one on the treadmill though. Chasing that elusive piece of cheese. As soon as I thought I was making some ground the treadmill would speed up.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ObiRed, Three weeks is a short period of time to be apart from your BPDex and it will take more time to heal, so give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel all the emotions, which are normal for someone in your situation.  It's been three years since I became separated and now divorced from my uBPDexW, and it still is tough sometimes.  We have children, which requires me to interact with her on a regular basis, which can be unpleasant yet serves as a reminder of how glad I am to be out of that unhealthy relationship.  Many of the questions that you pose, such as why you stayed as long as you did, and why the breakup is so painful, are quite familiar to me and I would venture many of us on this Board.  The point is that you are out of the toxic soup and will be limping for a while, yet are on the right path.  So hang in there, Lucky Jim

[GreenMango]

Obi abusive relationships can really do a number on a person.  Besides getting diagnosed with PTSD or other traumatic injuries there's a thing called cognitive dissonance. 

It's where a person has experienced two opposing realities, like the paradox of this person loves me yet they hurt me.  From what I've read the mind wants to reconcile this and will work itself to exhaustion to achieve some sense of rationality with a person that normally is capable of rational thought.  This is a very difficult situation to be in.  It takes time.

I know this situation too.  You mentioned your therapist recommended education on your experience.  Did he or she mention what kind or tips?

One of the things my therapist helped me to understand about it was that my ex experienced this paradox since birth - that this way of thinking and fuctioning was his normal learned from the family system and my part was accomodating mental illness from my family system.  The two together, even in the disharmony, was chaotiically well suited until it crossed a major boundary/normalcy of my own to call it quits.

My therapist recommended looking at the facts - behavior, actions, my own expectations, and then compare them. 

[ObiRedKenobi]

Thank you guys for your support! It’s a really big help to have people to talk to that can relate or if not relate at least understand the crazyness that these relationships bring. Today has been a really good day. I just got done playing some tennis and I’m feeling good.

I'm by no means healed and ready to move on. It will be a while before I'm ready for that. The thing that bothered me the most is that I had no answers for why a person would act that way. I know some people can be just plain mean but she wasn't all the time. I had no idea what BPD was all I knew is that things just weren't right! I felt like I was coming apart because I had absolutely no answer for the why. After a few sessions my T suggested I read "I love you don't leave me" she didn't tell me about PD or anything beyond that. I took the suggestion seriously and once I found out about BPD everything fell into place. I got angry for the first time in a long time. I had always made excuses "the doctor just changed her meds", "her health problems have been really bad the past few days". Finding out about BPD stripped away all the excuses I'd made for her and I got mad. I haven’t been mad in a good while, even when I left I wasn’t mad I was more afraid that she might lose it and do something that won’t heal. I just made excuses, overlooked, or accepted things as they were. Once I learned about BPD and more importantly in this case what the non thinks and goes through I had to face things as they were. This woman isolated me from my family and friends, managed to manipulate me to a point where she pretty much had control of all my finances, and had me doing a good bit of housework on top of my 40+ hour a week job. She emasculated me. And more than that I let her!

Once I had some answers I got mad and I started to get my spark back. I didn’t realize until then how much I had been beaten down. I have been independent, I am decent, hard working, and I have never NEEDED anyone before to be content before why should I now. I’ve made some financial obligations so she can set herself and the kids up somewhere nice then I’m cutting off the phone and going NC. Its up to her where she goes from there. Don’t get me wrong. I still dream about her and miss the hell out of her. I think about the would have could have should have dones. I think about just talking and laughing with her. It hurts. But I’m looking at it from a different perspective now than I had. Everyone on these boards can agree that all “you need is love” doesn’t apply in reality. I’ll struggle with trying to make sense of her for a while and I may never fully understand all of it. As long as I get myself back hopefully better for the experience I can live with that.

Tennis was great today I had such a good time. But its just a start. I’m a car nut and have my eyes on a project car that I just couldn’t afford taking the brunt of well everything. My productivity at work has skyrocketed now that I’m not having to tend to her wants, do housework, and work (in that order). Today an opportunity for a possible promotion or at least significant inroads has come up. I’ve always been ambitious and intend to pursue this opportunity. This is just what I am wanting to do to take care of myself, to get back to where I’m happy with myself. I want to work on why I let myself get here to begin with.

I feel like I’m starting to ramble but that’s just kind of been my feelings and thoughts recently.

[motherof1yearold]

I am glad to hear you are on the right road to a possible promotion. That is great.


Everything you are going through at the moment is totally normal, and it's awesome you are able to gauge your readiness at the moment.

Let yourself go through the emotions.