uBPD mother refuses to accept NC

[npady]

Is it common for a BPD family member to refuse to accept NC? About 2 years ago i tried for the 2nd time to break contact with my BPD Mother. There is still hardly a week that goes by that she doesnt attempt to contact me in some way. I have blocked her phone number on my mobile and her email and made it very clear that she is not welcome at my home. unfortunately she has the numbers of several people in my life and i have no caller id on my phone at work. changing my number never fools her for long, she always gets it somehow. This Week she arrived at my gate and when i refused to answer the door bell she stood shouting at my gate until finally i lost my temper and went to the gate and screamed at her to leave. which of course is exactly what she wanted. now she can tell everyone that i am crazy.

I even get abusive calls from strangers who believe her insane stories about me. I Dont know what to do next. Where i live restraining orders are not worth much as the police are not likely to come out for someone shouting at your gate.

[GeekyGirl]

It can be very tough for someone with BPD to accept NC. People with BPD are afraid of abandonment, and NC is in some ways an abandonment.

It sounds like your mother is willing to take extreme measures to stay in your life. Do you have an unlisted phone number? Could you switch to just having a mobile number?

As much as I understand that you don't want your mother showing up at your door and calling you at work, your best bet is to stay calm, use SET to explain that it's not acceptable for her to show up at your house without notice, and ask her to not call you at work. You might want to tell your employer that you're receiving harassing phone calls at work and would like to explore getting Caller ID to keep the disruption to a minimum.

What else can you think of to help you avoid unwanted visits and calls? You can't stop her from telling people stories, but you can respond by setting some limits and putting safeguards in place.

[Calsun]

Hi npady,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  I relate so much to what you're experiencing.  My mother who has all of the symptoms of an uBPD would never let me be free. She was completely controlling and did so under the guise of selflessness and concern about my well-being. But  that feeling of living with a domestic abuser who will never let you get away and would try to annihilate you rather than allow you to be free and to be who you are. It's terrifying. That was the experience with my mother's abusiveness, and it stayed in my body long after I left that home.  I felt it in my body as I was reading your share.

I don't know that I have words of wisdom to offer other than to say you are not alone with the sadness, utter frustration and anger of having to deal with a BPD acting out, blaming you, projecting onto you, defaming you, and not respecting your wishes.  This is a common experience for so many of us.  When I started going for help when I was young, which was my way of trying to get free from my mother's toxic influence, she accused me of being sick and hateful.  It is their terror of abandonment that drives them, and tragically they create the abandonment they are most afraid of. It's terrifying that they will go to epic levels of destructiveness to prevent our separation.  They would rather destroy us than allow us to be free.  And, of course tragically if they could just respect our freedom and individuality, we would welcome them in our lives, not to exclusion of others we love, of course, something they can't accept. 

I can relate so much to what you are going through.  I feel that stalking in a psychological way with my uBPD mother, every time I choose to do something I love or adopt a path she would not approve of, or really give my heart to someone or something that isn't her.  I feel that she is inside me trying to knock it down or annihilate it.  But awareness helps immeasurably and there is healing from that trauma.

Thanks for sharing.  I wish you well-deserved peace and happiness!

Calsun

[npady]

Thanks everyone.  It helps so much to know that there are others going through the same thing. 

Calsun, yes that is exactly what my mother does  when she contacts people who know me, she tells them she is worried about me because she cant contact me. Then she pumps them for any information she can get about me.  Which is  how she knew I would be at home alone.

It feels as if I Will never escape.  The last message she sent said that she will never leave me alone until the day she dies. She is so desperate to get back control over me that she will try anything and it scares me. In her mind she is perfectly justified and its her right as the woman who gave birth to me.

[ScarletOlive]

npady,

I'm sorry she won't respect your boundaries. If she comes to your gate in the future, can you use SET and explain that what she's doing is disruptive? Then you can walk away. If she continues even after that, can you hold to your boundaries and stay inside? I know that's not very pleasant, but with your tea and a blanket and some headphones, you can bring some peace to your life.

If she calls at work, you can ask her once with SET not to call you at work, and say that if she calls you will just hang up. Then, if she calls, just hang up. You are your own person now. At this point, she does not control you. With your boundaries and your calm search for peace in your life, she can't ever control you as she once did. This article gives a new perspective on what it means to argue and it might help you: Arguing - don't engage

Does she try to contact you any other way? What have you been doing lately to handle these unwanted communications?