What is Closure?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Pull - push. Mixed signals. Telling i was his girl friend to people who asked him at the local pub.

':)iscussions' on the issues we have but make no suggestions to fix it. Yelling at how i hurt him, ignited his behavior, and the months of hell he was in, frustrated and in pain.

Finally push me away, ignore me in the same house, tell me not to stop begging for another chance.

"I Love you and it takes be less than 10 seconds to give this another chance, but like you said i should not be dishonest to myself, right. And i do not change my decision over night"

":)o not come back to this country unless its for yourself - do not return for me"

Expect a goodbye hug and do not see me off at the airport but ask me to call when i reach home just to let him know i returned safely.

If this was indeed a closure, why am i not at peace? Is there really a 'right' way to break up or is "Closure" is a largely meaningless psychological buzz, where one party has decided to move on so they call it quits?

[stop2think]

Pull - push. Mixed signals. Telling i was his girl friend to people who asked him at the local pub.

':)iscussions' on the issues we have but make no suggestions to fix it. Yelling at how i hurt him, ignited his behavior, and the months of hell he was in, frustrated and in pain.

Finally push me away, ignore me in the same house, tell me not to stop begging for another chance.

"I Love you and it takes be less than 10 seconds to give this another chance, but like you said i should not be dishonest to myself, right. And i do not change my decision over night"

":)o not come back to this country unless its for yourself - do not return for me"

Expect a goodbye hug and do not see me off at the airport but ask me to call when i reach home just to let him know i returned safely.

If this was indeed a closure, why am i not at peace? Is there really a 'right' way to break up or is "Closure" is a largely meaningless psychological buzz, where one party has decided to move on so they call it quits?

[mcc503764]

The one thing that I have learned is that we have to come to our own closure from this.  This obviously comes in various forms, but the end result is the same.  "closure" for me, was when I had enough!  "closure" for me was... . YOUR NOT GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS ANYMORE!  I AM A PERSON WHO DESERVES TO BE RESPECTED!

"closure" is letting go... . I can care from a distance.  I don't need the tangled mess of a close r/s with my x.  Sure I care, to an extent and I do have empathy.  Maybe she'll get "help," but at the end of the day, does it matter?  Will it make a difference?

That is my "closure."  Moving forward... .

MCC

[Bananas]

If this was indeed a closure, why am i not at peace? Is there really a 'right' way to break up or is "Closure" is a largely meaningless psychological buzz, where one party has decided to move on so they call it quits?

S2T, there is a mature way to break up with someone.  People end relationships because they meet other people all the time.  I have been broken up with more than a few times and I have also broke up with people.  This is something I wrote in another thread:

I have been broken up with more than a few times by a non and had them get into a new relationship with a new person or ex.  The difference for me was I was treated with respect.  I was broken up with "properly".   There was empathy for my feelings.  There were sincere apologies.  There was compassion, even in the breakup.  And the one non bf that I caught cheating, was accountable for his actions and showed remorse.  Once he was caught he came clean, no lies and did not blame me for his actions.  There was always a lot of talking things through sometimes over a long period of time depending on the length of the relationship.  I got none of the above from my BPD/NPD ex.

So that is why you are not at peace.  This time, the closure must come from you.  I know it is hard and something I still struggle with.

[Undone123]

The one thing that I have learned is that we have to come to our own closure from this.  This obviously comes in various forms, but the end result is the same.  "closure" for me, was when I had enough!  "closure" for me was... . YOUR NOT GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS ANYMORE!  I AM A PERSON WHO DESERVES TO BE RESPECTED!

"closure" is letting go... . I can care from a distance.  I don't need the tangled mess of a close r/s with my x.  Sure I care, to an extent and I do have empathy.  Maybe she'll get "help," but at the end of the day, does it matter?  Will it make a difference?

That is my "closure."  Moving forward... .

MCC

I agree here. I think closure is thinking "F*ck them, not my problem"

[34broken]

www.Tara P Shrinks4Men blog.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/divorce-and-break-ups-there-is-no-closure-with-a-narcissistic-or-borderline-woman/


This goes for BPD NPD males as well.

[winston72]

34broken, I have copied an excerpt from the article you referenced, "Then she will either attack you or gaslight you by rewriting history yet again. Do you really want to get caught in one of these crazy-making, never ending loops with your ex again? Didn’t you learn your lesson while you were with her?"

I must say for myself that I still have not fully learned my lesson!  I am NC for several months, in therapy and growing as a person... . but it takes a long time to internalize such lessons.  Or, better said, personal growth is a slow process.

[Emelie Emelie]

I am desperate for some closure.  I don't even know what hit me.  I don't understand how someone can tell you how much they love you one day and tell you they are "done" with you the next?  I am completely bereft and cannot get it together.

[Undone123]

I am desperate for some closure.  I don't even know what hit me.  I don't understand how someone can tell you how much they love you one day and tell you they are "done" with you the next?  I am completely bereft and cannot get it together.

I feel for you... . I was in the same spot until last week, when I had to accept it would never come. Everyone says this, and I didn't listen to the advice, but don't chase it. They will never give you the closure you want. All that will happen is projection, blame, and further abuse (it took me till last week to realize this is abuse)... . Jump off the hamster wheel, stop playing their game, don't fuel their fire, internally reflect, and be happy... . I'm at the learning to be happy without the addiction. It's not love with these people. There is no respect, empathy or understanding... . All that will happen is more toxicity, and we all deserve better than that.

[winston72]

Hey Emilie Emilie,

I just read your posts.  I am so sorry for your pain.  When I experienced such events I was shattered... . just shattered.  Many, many people on here have shared the sheer hurt and despair of such heartache.

May I just offer a comment?  Perhaps it is not a time for closure or even conclusions.  The event of rupture, rejection and breach of trust is too fresh.  You have just been hit by a truck.  It is a shock.  Triage is called for.  You are still wondering what happened.  Similar to a physical trauma, the emotional pain will guide you to places of injury that need treatment.  

My words sound clinical and clean, but for me it was a painful, messy process that played out over many months.  I was in a lot of pain and just wished it would go away.  The notion that it would enlighten me was not encouraging in the moment.  In the end, with the benefit of hindsight, it made the pain worthwhile.  

But for now, I am feeling your pain with you.  And have no regrets about your messages to him or your vacillations on contacting him.  You are in a lot of pain!  It hurts.  It is unpredictable.  Give yourself plenty of latitude.  Be kind to yourself.  

[simplyasiam]

i saw my ex friday and it felt good at frist. then after thinking about i saw it has closure with her. now after talking to family and friends i can see it was just her sick way of making sure i am still her fall back.

point is i dont think someone with BPD thats not been in treatment can close anything. i feel they will always think they need the door to be open.

it really is up to the non to walk away deal with the mess heal and move on.

[WXYZ]

... . it really is up to the non to walk away deal with the mess heal and move on.

That’s the conclusion I came to as well.

[danley]

Sometimes they aren't willing to give the closure that you seek. And most times closure we want is in the form of an acknowledgment that they hurt you and why. Closure might also include where do we go from here. In many stories I've read of many BPD not giving anything close to all these things.

Closure doesn't come because they can't deal with the shame. They can't process what happened and if they do, they'd rather just roll everything up in a huge ball and bury it for good. Yes it may seem to be what's best for THEM but it leaves the non feeling hurt and confused. Owning up to their shame doesn't come easy or at all regardless if they care for you. And if by chance they do give closure, it's laced with defensiveness and projection or deflection. So what might seem to start out as closure may slip into a whole different thing.

If you can come to some sort of closure on your own you'll be better off. Whether it be to accept the way things are or that you don't need closure from the ex. It's really left up to you to bring yourself to a place where you feel OK with everything that has happened and are able to realize that holding on to the negative association with your ex can hinder your healing process.

[recoil]

You really have to get your own closure.

Mine came from reading The Buddha and the Borderline.  The author could have been my ex.  It was like mind reading.  Even one of the primary love interests resembled me, greatly.  As I finished the book, I understood.  False hope died that day and I was better for it.  That happened approximately a month ago.

Last night I got a text from my ex saying how bad she felt about herself and that she was so sorry.  The old me would have been thankful to get such a message.  I don't think she ever apologized during the 17 months we were together.  But nope, no feelings of validation or false hope.  For me, false hope was the biggest thing keeping me held back in my recovery process.

[Clearmind]

Closure is radically accepting that your ex is not well and not capable of a mutually loving long lasting relationship. Acceptance is seeing that you my friend have some healing to do from your own wounds.

Closure = changing your perspective on the fantasy notions of who your partner is/was.

[ScotisGone74]

I believe that most BPD's just aren't capable of giving us any type of real closure, for several reasons, including: 

it would be accepting/admitting that THEY made major mistakes, lied, or manipulated us during the relationship,

they would have to reflect upon the trail of lies they have left behind,

they would have to close the door or allow us to close the door for good on having any type of future relationship or serving as their puppet/slave in the future. 

They are truly capable of considering only Their own feelings right NOW and what gives Them relief from their true Inner Emptiness.  Having to acknowledge mistakes, a true loss of a long relationship ending, or the lies they have told throws a huge monkey wrench into their new fantasy relationship/world truly.  They don't know how to end a relationship, they only know how to begin fairy tale romances they think at the time will turn their world of inner turmoil and despair around.   It eventually catches up with them down the road, believe it. 

[Emelie Emelie]

My BPD is aware of his condition (although not seeking treatment) and did apologize for all the pain he put me through and said he didn't want to do that anymore.  So I should be grateful for the fact that I got more "closure" than most.  I know I'm mourning for what I thought the relationship was.  All the beautiful things he said and did.  How loved I felt.  How taken care of I felt.  And I realize that wasn't reality.  Or at least it wasn't sustainable in his world.  What I'm struggling with is his abrupt departure.  It's like What the heck just happened here.  And the intensity of my grief.  Just can't seem to get a grip on it.  I read something somewhere about 'letting go' of someone who broke your heart.  You feel the pain in your body and breath through it and repeat "I love you.  I release you."  I'm doing this 30,000 times a day!  But it does feel like it helps a little.

[SWLSR]

My BPD ex knew something was wrong with her.  But I dont think she knows how bad she is.  She has few friends.  She pulls away from people sometimes for whar appears to be no reason but its because people were seeing her flaws.  Getting closure from them is nearly impossible becuase they want to reel you in should they need to.  Of course I want nothing to do with her now.  That makes her reel me in more.  But if I showed interest inher she would run away.

[Emelie Emelie]

I hear what you're all saying... . that we need to provide our own closure.  And I really appreciate your comments Winston 52.  Thank you.  But I am fighting these crazy panicky feelings.  Did he start seeing someone else?  Just stop loving me?  What happened?  The breakup came after I "walked out" but I really feel like he orchestrated it.  He just can't be the bad guy.  I am torturing myself with these questions.  And I've done all the reading.  I know we were in the "hating" stage.  And when I'm not sobbing my freaking heart out I'm angry.  I feel so betrayed.  I did all this work to understand his "condition" and put up with behaviors I normally never would have (they passed pretty quickly) and he just discarded me.  He was scared that no one would love him long term because of his issues and I did.  He knew I did.  And I'm not a weak, dependent clinging vine sort of woman.  I'm successful and independent and reasonably attractive.  Of course he told me he "ended" it because he knew I would walk out on him again.  That I wouldn't stay with him.  And he couldn't handle it.  That was his overriding fear in the relationship.  That someday I would just have enough and walk.  I don't know.  Maybe I should just believe him.  That would give me some comfort.  But I felt him pushing me away the last several weeks.  And I'm afraid there was someone else involved.  Which he would NEVER admit to.  Because to him that was the cardinal sin.  I don't think he was dating someone else while we were together... . but I think he may have met or reconnected with someone that he wanted to.  I don't know.  I don't know why I'm torturing myself this way.  I guess I'm just so shell shocked and confused.  And now he so obviously doesn't want to talk to me at all.  I'm just a freaking wreck.  It takes every ounce of strength I have not to call him again.  I just want to at least salvage the l shreds of pride that I have left. 

[bpdspell]

I will repeat what the others have mentioned. They cannot give us closure no matter how many ways we fantasize about it.

They are mentally ill and it's difficult for us to accept because they seem normal on the outside... . but normal is the name of a wash cycle. It's their insides that are disordered and toxic. It's their minds and their hearts that are destructive.

Closure comes from accepting that a mentally ill person cannot validate you. A mentally ill person can only live in a twisted distorted reality.

Closure comes from accepting that they are not nice nor kind. They lack empathy and they don't care about our suffering. They don't play fair because they feel that life hasn't been fair to them. In their minds there are only winners and losers. It's all black or white thinking and it's a part of the disorder.

Closure comes from accepting that they were sick way before we came into the living nightmare of their mentally ill lives. We did not cause them to be sick or have BPD. They didn't "catch" BPD while they were with us. They had it all along. And they will continue to have it once we are out of the picture.

Closure comes from loving yourself and healing yourself and not waiting for them to do it. And if you choose to wait for them to fix your hurt you're going to be waiting a mighty damn long time.

Closure comes from accepting that they cannot fix our hurt. If they could they wouldn't be mentally ill.

Closure comes from knowing that you are worthy of healthy, validating, nurturing love. Not the abusive, controlling, manipulative face of love that BPD's believe is love.  Being their sock puppet is not love. Treating you like crap or yesterday's trash is not love. Love does not =pain.

Closure comes from surrounding to the reality of what IS.

I know closure is a difficult part of the journey but if they were capable of giving us closure they'd be capable of making amends. They aren't.

We have to grow into closure. In the beginning most of us are emotionally hemorrhaging and our minds are going in circles trying to make sense out of being abandoned wondering what we could have done differently. We are taking ownership of their behavior when it has nothing to do with us. We've made their disorder personal when in reality BPD is a disease that anyone who get's close will experience.

Spell

[Undone123]

My BPD ex knew something was wrong with her.  But I dont think she knows how bad she is.  She has few friends.  She pulls away from people sometimes for whar appears to be no reason but its because people were seeing her flaws.  Getting closure from them is nearly impossible becuase they want to reel you in should they need to.  Of course I want nothing to do with her now.  That makes her reel me in more.  But if I showed interest inher she would run away.

SPOT ON!

[Undone123]

I will repeat what the others have mentioned. They cannot give us closure no matter how many ways we fantasize about it.

They are mentally ill and it's difficult for us to accept because they seem normal on the outside... . but normal is the name of a wash cycle. It's their insides that are disordered and toxic. It's their minds and their hearts that are destructive.

Closure comes from accepting that a mentally ill person cannot validate you. A mentally ill person can only live in a twisted distorted reality.

Closure comes from accepting that they are not nice nor kind. They lack empathy and they don't care about our suffering. They don't play fair because they feel that life hasn't been fair to them. In their minds there are only winners and losers. It's all black or white thinking and it's a part of the disorder.

Closure comes from accepting that they were sick way before we came into the living nightmare of their mentally ill lives. We did not cause them to be sick or have BPD. They didn't "catch" BPD while they were with us. They had it all along. And they will continue to have it once we are out of the picture.

Closure comes from loving yourself and healing yourself and not waiting for them to do it. And if you choose to wait for them to fix your hurt you're going to be waiting a mighty damn long time.

Closure comes from accepting that they cannot fix our hurt. If they could they wouldn't be mentally ill.

Closure comes from knowing that you are worthy of healthy, validating, nurturing love. Not the abusive, controlling, manipulative face of love that BPD's believe is love.  Being their sock puppet is not love. Treating you like crap or yesterday's trash is not love. Love does not =pain.

Closure comes from surrounding to the reality of what IS.

I know closure is a difficult part of the journey but if they were capable of giving us closure they'd be capable of making amends. They aren't.

We have to grow into closure. In the beginning most of us are emotionally hemorrhaging and our minds are going in circles trying to make sense out of being abandoned wondering what we could have done differently. We are taking ownership of their behavior when it has nothing to do with us. We've made their disorder personal when in reality BPD is a disease that anyone who get's close will experience.

Spell

Sorry... . THIS. SPOT ON! amazing advice

[Bananas]

I will repeat what the others have mentioned. They cannot give us closure no matter how many ways we fantasize about it.

They are mentally ill and it's difficult for us to accept because they seem normal on the outside... . but normal is the name of a wash cycle. It's their insides that are disordered and toxic. It's their minds and their hearts that are destructive.

Closure comes from accepting that a mentally ill person cannot validate you. A mentally ill person can only live in a twisted distorted reality.

Closure comes from accepting that they are not nice nor kind. They lack empathy and they don't care about our suffering. They don't play fair because they feel that life hasn't been fair to them. In their minds there are only winners and losers. It's all black or white thinking and it's a part of the disorder.

Closure comes from accepting that they were sick way before we came into the living nightmare of their mentally ill lives. We did not cause them to be sick or have BPD. They didn't "catch" BPD while they were with us. They had it all along. And they will continue to have it once we are out of the picture.

Closure comes from loving yourself and healing yourself and not waiting for them to do it. And if you choose to wait for them to fix your hurt you're going to be waiting a mighty damn long time.

Closure comes from accepting that they cannot fix our hurt. If they could they wouldn't be mentally ill.

Closure comes from knowing that you are worthy of healthy, validating, nurturing love. Not the abusive, controlling, manipulative face of love that BPD's believe is love.  Being their sock puppet is not love. Treating you like crap or yesterday's trash is not love. Love does not =pain.

Closure comes from surrounding to the reality of what IS.

I know closure is a difficult part of the journey but if they were capable of giving us closure they'd be capable of making amends. They aren't.

We have to grow into closure. In the beginning most of us are emotionally hemorrhaging and our minds are going in circles trying to make sense out of being abandoned wondering what we could have done differently. We are taking ownership of their behavior when it has nothing to do with us. We've made their disorder personal when in reality BPD is a disease that anyone who get's close will experience.

Spell

Sorry... . THIS. SPOT ON! amazing advice

Agreed!  Spell, I go and read your old posts, they help me tremendously.  You are my therapist in between going to my therapist!

[bretto]

Agreed as well,

I was searching for closure and answers but nothing came and I know nothing will, its weird how they love you so much one day then the next they can't see you or talk to you, the silent treatment came with the hatred all because we treat them nice and get too close to them, from best friends to enemies for no reason, I tried to call and text only to be told to leave me the ___ alone next time she will contact the police,

Please learn from my mistake do not contact looking for answers you will not receive, the soon as you accept there is no closure the better you will be, I just wish I was on this site when we 1st broke up, I have learnt software  much here, it has taken me over 4 months, I am better than I was, I accept its the illness and not the person and there are no answers from the nons point of view as we cannot truly understand who they fully are, yes we love them we wish they love/loved us, we will get back to normality soon but I fear they won't... . It is a bad illness and my heart goes out to all with this illness... .

My kids mother has it my last gf has it my eldest daughter  has it and looks like my 15 yr old may have it aswell, they are all beautiful people with issues but we won't get answers or closure from them... . Good luck to all

[stop2think]

Thank you, each and every one for sharing your experiences and idea on 'Closure'.

Even after 6 months i am still struggling to make sense of the entire whole r/s. It is very confusing when he said he loves me but has no more conviction in our r/s. When he said 'love' and marriage do not go hand-in-hand for him. And within 6 month he got married to some one entirely new, someone he and his family chose.

Last week, i finally found a psychiatry/therapy centre (very hard to find any in the country i am in now) and saw the psychiatrist but she has no experiebce in any BPD cases and told me my exbf was not a BPD or PD.

The things she told me was something most of us here are already aware of - the stages post breakup. I was dissatisfied that she asked to focus on recovery and there wouldn't be any more sessions required necessarily unless i would want to... . What?

She said i am going through some stress due to the sudden break up.

I do not know what to think now, i feel like i am the one with it. I am going crazy, or was i already?

[Undone123]

Hey stop2think... .

I've just had a session with a therapist. It was good! In fact great... . Mine listened to me, I shared everything I new with her. She didn't give me a "yes she has BPD", she focused on me... . Basically picked me apart. What I think happens to lots of us is we loose our selves in these relationships, now there is a lot of talk here on how we must look at our up bringings, and our own family troubles etc. But what my counsellor said to me is, my traits aren't a bad thing. Loving someone, wanting to change their behavior (aka stop the abuse), putting everything into a relationship to make someone happy is not bad... . What she did say is, it is to look back, and I am trying to make sense of the senseless. I am hanging on to words that may have felt true to that person at the time, but have no foundation. Essentially they are lies. What that person thought about us then, and think about us now is completely different. We can't change that... . My counsellor then offered me some alternative therapy which I declined. Some mindfulness training, meditation to deal with the stress. I declined it because I think, rediscovering the person who I was before my relationship, will be enough. I used to party, go to the gym, do parachute jumps, run etc. I used to have a life. Due to trying too hard to make it work with a dysfunctional person, and my lack of boundaries, I lost my self, and lost those activities and hobbies... . She also asked why I didn't have certain boundaries, and I told her  "because I don't want to control her or if I did she would just fight them". My counselor said having a lack of boundaries and considering others isn't necessarily a bad thing, providing you are with someone who is functional! In my relationship previously, it was almost impossible to uphold a boundary, boundaries meant I would be abused.She said "easier said than done, but put it behind you, focus on you, enjoy life again and stop worrying about others! be selfish!"... . Although we are not necessarily victims, we have all gone through emotional trauma, so we need to accept this will take time.

So my plan is to, rediscover myself, stop punishing myself, and find a relationship one day once I am completely healed, with someone who is able to reciprocate an adult relationship, and reciprocate love. Because tragically people with BPD can't.

What I have learned is we either except that people with BPD will never return love, and will always demand more of us. Or move on... . Now that choice for me has been made by my ex. And although I believe she is mentally ill, she is an adult and able to make an informed decision, so I must respect that. To linger on these boards, and focus on her, what she may or may not do, is to just punish myself further... .

What I'm saying is, don't punish yourself further. Focus on you, enjoy life.

[Undone123]

And i'll add... .

In the 4 months since my ex painted me black, smeared me to everyone, and is currently attacking my career. I have spent three days on this website. Three days that haven't been wasted, but I have spent a lot of time trying to work out my ex. I'm done now. It's crazy. 3 days when I could have been reclaiming myself, instead of trying to predict the unpredictable, make sense of the senseless, answer the unanswerable... .

We need to learn and move on. Now everyone is unique, and people with BPD are unique, but share some common traits. I think we all share fairly common traits as well. I think the majority of us are genuinely good people, I think we all worry too much, care too much, and feel obliged to make things work beyond what is healthy. We are uber committed... .

I think many of us would be a lot better off dating each other, than worrying about our exBPDs. Now it's all hard, as we have all lost our self esteem. But we must find our self esteem in ourselves and not look for it to be validated by those who are mentally ill.

[Clearmind]

Even after 6 months i am still struggling to make sense of the entire whole r/s.

Its great to trust people stop2think however not everyone is who they appear to be. This is a wake up call to really look at what you want and seek that out in a mate rather than take someone on blind faith because it feels good.

It felt good because it was something you always longed for - it was something you could not, for what ever reason, provide yourself.

What you saw in her (your ex) is what others see in you - she mirrored you and you mirrored her idealised self. Seek it out.

This is about you - find out who you are, build your worth then look for a mate.

[mcc503764]

All... .

I don't think it's healthy for our recovery to focus on what's wrong with them.  I get the feeling from reading a few posts above that's what happens a lot of the times, as we are searching for a "logical" reason for why we experienced what we have... . Therapists and psychs are not supposed to "label" someone who is not their patient.  That would be extremely unprofessional / unethical.  They can give their opinion on the patterns of behavior, but they cant give you a definite "diagnosis" of someone else.  Again, they only know what you tell them... .

So my point is, let go of the "label."  BPD, PD, NPD, ABC, 123, WHO CARES?  Every human on the planet has some characteristics of one PD or another... . the DSM is ambiguous for a reason... . so don't let yourself get caught up in the "what's wrong with me" thinking!  Its self destructive and a complete waste of your own mental energy!  (as my x just text me while I am typing this... . )

Point is, don't focus on them... . what they may or may not be... . focus on YOU and what YOU can control.  You've wasted too much time concentrating on THEM!  It's really only about YOU now, and that's what YOUR therapy / recovery needs to focus on!

MCC

[Clearmind]

Point is, don't focus on them... . what they may or may not be... . focus on YOU and what YOU can control.  You've wasted too much time concentrating on THEM!  It's really only about YOU now, and that's what YOUR therapy / recovery needs to focus on!

 mcc503764, what are your thoughts as to why we tend to concentrate so much on 'them'?

[Undone123]

Point is, don't focus on them... . what they may or may not be... . focus on YOU and what YOU can control.  You've wasted too much time concentrating on THEM!  It's really only about YOU now, and that's what YOUR therapy / recovery needs to focus on!

 mcc503764, what are your thoughts as to why we tend to concentrate so much on 'them'?

I think we are addicted to getting back to that idealized faze. In my own experience anyway... . those first few months the love was "perfect"... . the love was "perfect" all the way through except for when there was emotionally abusive stuff. In my own personal experience, I was fixated on the 60% of the time it was amazing. I developed like an anxiety denial, so blocked out the emotionally abusive stuff, denied it ever happened, or acknowledged it but only privately. I still get those "remember that" moments in my mind, from when things happened and I didn't deal with them at the time... . In a sense, I think we idealise them, for the moments of joy they bring us... . I became fixated on "if only I could change her behavior it would be perfect"... . obviously, I now know that will never happen. But I think many of us on this board hope for that... . But eventually reality hits and we move on