Mother would rather have a colonoscopy than visit for my birthday

[Depression = 72% of members]

And you know what, I'd rather that she did too!

Last year, I was looking forward to my b'day.  Posted about it.  My favorite way to spend my birthday is take a day off from work, have breakfast in my garden and sit there for a bit.  I also use that as a annual date to resupply the non-perishables in my hurricane/ice storm supply kit.  Take everything out that will be out of date before my next birthday, take it to the food pantry, and go shopping to replace it.  Then maybe do some other shopping or go to a movie, then out to dinner with hubbie when he gets home from work.  The thing is, I really relish the ALONE TIME that I have to schedule my own day, do whatever I want.

Last year, I went to do the breakfast and some contractors came in to cut a neighbor's tree about the time I sat down.  So much for the peace and quiet.  Then my parents drove to town to take me out to lunch.  They don't like a lot of kinds of food, so I can go anywhere I want, as long as it's something they'd like.  Which is only about 1/4 of the places I go and not my favorites.  AndI don't eat much at lunch anyway.  So I picked a place that I kind of liked and they had never been.  Won't pick that place again.  It's clear across town.  My parents lived in this city until 1975.  My Dad insisted on driving and I made the mistake of letting him, even though I didn't know how to give the directions ahead of town.  He's OCD and wants street names. I know how to get there and where to turn.  He's not a great driver.  He's 77 years old, but that's not the problem, he's not really any worse than he was at 30. 

So on the way to the restaurant, Dad's saying this used to be here and that used to be there and he used to work there and when did that place get put there (I dunno, 20, 30 years ago)... .   Everytime he made a comment, he was poking the uBPD bear.  They've been married over 50 years, looks like he'd learn.

Mother is all about herself and in the present.  The past is only worth talking about if it's to criticize something that somebody did that she thought was wrong.  happy memories or neutral memories, she doesn't want to hear about if they're someone else's.

So Dad would say "that's where the greenstamp store was."  Mom sighs heavily.  Dad changes lanes.  Mom screams like he's running in front of something.  It was like that all the way there.

Then get to restaurant.  There are a couple people waiting to be seated.  Turned out that they had all got there the same time, no wait, but she was already wanting to know where else we could go.

We all ordered our food.  She had to re-order for Dad because she said that what he ordered he didn't like... .  

Then the drive back was just like the drive there.

She did give me a birthday gift.  A gift bag of stuff from Bath and Bodyworks. Nice?  I'm allergic to most of that stuff, so I avoid it and she knows that.  It was something for me to regift to my admin at Christmas.

Then of course, I'm not hungry for supper with hubbie which is what I'd rather do.

That was my birthday last year.

So my Mom this year says "I can't come to your city to take you out to lunch for your birthday. I have to get a colonoscopy and that's the only day I can get an appointment."  Really?  While I totally don't believe that, I don't care.  After last year, I'd rather that she get a colonoscopy than come to my birthday too!  I am mildly curious why she scheduled it that way, I'm assuming that she didn't want to come.  I am not the least bit annoyed (she likely thinks that I am).  Mildy curious, but glad she's not coming this year. 

If the weather is nice, I can have the kind of day that I want!  Instead of listening to her complain and filling up on food that I don't want and not doing what I do want. 

[todayistheday]

And you know what, I'd rather that she did too!

Last year, I was looking forward to my b'day.  Posted about it.  My favorite way to spend my birthday is take a day off from work, have breakfast in my garden and sit there for a bit.  I also use that as a annual date to resupply the non-perishables in my hurricane/ice storm supply kit.  Take everything out that will be out of date before my next birthday, take it to the food pantry, and go shopping to replace it.  Then maybe do some other shopping or go to a movie, then out to dinner with hubbie when he gets home from work.  The thing is, I really relish the ALONE TIME that I have to schedule my own day, do whatever I want.

Last year, I went to do the breakfast and some contractors came in to cut a neighbor's tree about the time I sat down.  So much for the peace and quiet.  Then my parents drove to town to take me out to lunch.  They don't like a lot of kinds of food, so I can go anywhere I want, as long as it's something they'd like.  Which is only about 1/4 of the places I go and not my favorites.  AndI don't eat much at lunch anyway.  So I picked a place that I kind of liked and they had never been.  Won't pick that place again.  It's clear across town.  My parents lived in this city until 1975.  My Dad insisted on driving and I made the mistake of letting him, even though I didn't know how to give the directions ahead of town.  He's OCD and wants street names. I know how to get there and where to turn.  He's not a great driver.  He's 77 years old, but that's not the problem, he's not really any worse than he was at 30. 

So on the way to the restaurant, Dad's saying this used to be here and that used to be there and he used to work there and when did that place get put there (I dunno, 20, 30 years ago)... .   Everytime he made a comment, he was poking the uBPD bear.  They've been married over 50 years, looks like he'd learn.

Mother is all about herself and in the present.  The past is only worth talking about if it's to criticize something that somebody did that she thought was wrong.  happy memories or neutral memories, she doesn't want to hear about if they're someone else's.

So Dad would say "that's where the greenstamp store was."  Mom sighs heavily.  Dad changes lanes.  Mom screams like he's running in front of something.  It was like that all the way there.

Then get to restaurant.  There are a couple people waiting to be seated.  Turned out that they had all got there the same time, no wait, but she was already wanting to know where else we could go.

We all ordered our food.  She had to re-order for Dad because she said that what he ordered he didn't like... .  

Then the drive back was just like the drive there.

She did give me a birthday gift.  A gift bag of stuff from Bath and Bodyworks. Nice?  I'm allergic to most of that stuff, so I avoid it and she knows that.  It was something for me to regift to my admin at Christmas.

Then of course, I'm not hungry for supper with hubbie which is what I'd rather do.

That was my birthday last year.

So my Mom this year says "I can't come to your city to take you out to lunch for your birthday. I have to get a colonoscopy and that's the only day I can get an appointment."  Really?  While I totally don't believe that, I don't care.  After last year, I'd rather that she get a colonoscopy than come to my birthday too!  I am mildly curious why she scheduled it that way, I'm assuming that she didn't want to come.  I am not the least bit annoyed (she likely thinks that I am).  Mildy curious, but glad she's not coming this year. 

If the weather is nice, I can have the kind of day that I want!  Instead of listening to her complain and filling up on food that I don't want and not doing what I do want. 

[GeekyGirl]

Wow. While I'd be a little sad too, that my mother would choose a colonoscopy over visiting me on my birthday (really, Mom?), I agree that this could be a blessing in disguise. You can, as you said, celebrate any way you want. You don't need to repeat last year's adventure.

I agree that it's a little invalidating that your mother is choosing your birthday to get a colonoscopy (I'll refrain from making any jokes   ), but what will you do to celebrate in addition to your birthday morning rituals? If you'd like to celebrate with your mother, is there something you can do after your actual birthday date? I have a friend who celebrates his birthday for 12 days every year and goes to lunch/dinner with someone every day around his birthday. (Whether or not that's excessive is debatable) Could you take a page from his book and do something small with your mother afterward?

Oh, and happy early birthday! 

[todayistheday]

It does not really matter to me if they come or not.  If they do, I'd prefer the following weekend when DH is home as well.  You know how BPDs put on their nice face in front of outsiders?  She does that in front of DH as well, so having him around is like a BPD-repellant.

The other thing my Mother always does is point out that SHE's the one who should be celebrated since she was the one who wen through labor that day.

As far as how I like to spend the day, it's sort of "any way I want".  I like having the day "off" to goof around and do whatever.  Sit, play music, shop, or whatever mood hits me.

My Mom is the reason that birthdays and holidays are a big deal to me.  She actually tried to make those days nice.  My birthday was the only day she was nice to me.  It wasn't stressful like it is now.  But I learned that I had that one day of the year to be happy.  Now that she's less in my life, I'm happy as much as anybody else. But I still expect birthdays and holidays to be nice, as they were the ONLY nice days when growing up.  And it can be any holiday, like Valentines or Halloween.  New Years, and the "post office holidays", she didn't celebrate.  But Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentines, Halloween, etc. are special days.

She didn't talk like she was planning an alternate date.  That's fine with me.  If she does come on a weekend, that's fine too.

[ScarletOlive]

todayistheday,

Happy birthday! I'm sorry your mom chooses not to come (normally people would do anything to avoid colonoscopies... . ). That is pretty hurtful. But maybe you'll have more fun without her! Last year sounds like a bad trip down memory lane, back to being a child.   So, may you have a lovely day without hurt, may you find delicious food to restock your hurricane supply, and may you enjoy the company of those who treat you with love and respect.

If you want to see her, perhaps you could set up a belated birthday with her? And if you don't, you don't have to set up anything. Enjoy your special day with detachment and the Radical Acceptance

you're discovering.

[todayistheday]

And the funny thing is, all of you telling me happy birthday right now is just strange.  It's over a month away.  Yet it was several weeks ago that my Mom made her big announcement.  So strange for her to so far ahead of time to tell me that was the only day she could get such an appointment.

But detachment is the way to say it.  I'm really not hurt or upset or anything, in fact, I'm totally glad she's not going to be here that day. I find it amusing in a way that she came up with an excuse two months ahead of time, and such an excuse as she came up with.  If she chooses to come a different day, that's fine as long as DH is going to be here.  It's up to her either way.  However, if DH cannot be here when she chooses to can't, I won't be available either.  I totally do not care if she makes it another day or not.