False Domestic Violence Allegations

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Two weeks ago my partner got quite upset with me over something trivial in a fast food restaurant, and ended up taking off on foot down the street, apparently scratched himself on the neck, called the police, and told them that I did it.  He's been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar Type 1.  He completed a 1 year DBT program a few years ago, but hasn't been going to counseling for the last year.  Four weeks ago his mom died unexpectedly.  He missed many of his Bipolar medication doses.  Then he started hearing voices and getting agitated very easily.  Now, due to the false Domestic Violence charges, I have a no contact order against me for at least the next two months.  I can't go home or communicate with him in any way.  I don't know whats going on in the home.  My lawyer's tried talking to him, and when he answers he apparently sounds kind of sedated.  He doesn't have a car or a bank account of his own, so he's just living off the food in the house.  He's on my cell phone plan - I can see that he calls lots of random people, but he doesn't have any close friends, so who knows what's going on with that.  In the meantime, I'm anxious all the time.  I'm the primary one who makes sure he takes his meds, and his primary support person.  Now things are really crazy, and there is nothing I can do about it.  This feels horrible.  I've also spent over $10,000 on legal fees, bail, and hotel fees so far dealing with this.

[Non-BPDinWA]

Two weeks ago my partner got quite upset with me over something trivial in a fast food restaurant, and ended up taking off on foot down the street, apparently scratched himself on the neck, called the police, and told them that I did it.  He's been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar Type 1.  He completed a 1 year DBT program a few years ago, but hasn't been going to counseling for the last year.  Four weeks ago his mom died unexpectedly.  He missed many of his Bipolar medication doses.  Then he started hearing voices and getting agitated very easily.  Now, due to the false Domestic Violence charges, I have a no contact order against me for at least the next two months.  I can't go home or communicate with him in any way.  I don't know whats going on in the home.  My lawyer's tried talking to him, and when he answers he apparently sounds kind of sedated.  He doesn't have a car or a bank account of his own, so he's just living off the food in the house.  He's on my cell phone plan - I can see that he calls lots of random people, but he doesn't have any close friends, so who knows what's going on with that.  In the meantime, I'm anxious all the time.  I'm the primary one who makes sure he takes his meds, and his primary support person.  Now things are really crazy, and there is nothing I can do about it.  This feels horrible.  I've also spent over $10,000 on legal fees, bail, and hotel fees so far dealing with this.

[motherof1yearold]

Very sorry to hear this!

False DV claims seem to be a very big deal in BPD.

Your situation is difficult and frustrating. Have you been charged with Domestic violence/ battery? It is very hard for a court/lawyer to prove that someone made up allegations about a DV incident. It's not like someone can go in there and say 'Well, he made it up because of his mental illness' ... . I hope another poster has more insight and good advice for you.

For now , I just want to give my support to you! Are there any children involved?

So sorry to hear.

He is dysregulating now due to his mothers death, and being off the medication. The hearing voices deal is alarming though, as that indicates possible schizophrenia and or psychosis.

How did he get to the point in the beginning to get a diagnosis of BPD and Bi polar?

[Non-BPDinWA]

Yes, I got charged with Domestic Violence.  He apparently scratched the back of his neck, and then told the police that I did it.  I didn't have any physical contact with him at all.  In my state, the police are required to arrest someone if there is probable cause that a DV event happened in the 4 hours before the 911 call.  Since the incident, my partner has apparently called the police several times because he is paranoid that I'm stalking him or have been going in the house.  Two days ago I got a call from his sister saying that he thought I was in the attic, and he was going up to investigate, and if she didn't hear from him in 5 minutes to call the police herself.  I haven't even been within a couple miles of the house.  There are no children involved.  So, I'm stuck with a BPD / Bipolar psychotic person in the house while I have a No Contact order so I can't do anything to help him.  He's likely not taking his meds.  When he's talked to my lawyer, he apparently sounds somewhat sedated.  He may be abusing drugs.  I contacted a divorce lawyer to see if I could get him out of the house somehow, but I found that I'd basically have to provide him with a large amount of funds in order to be able to force him out, and giving him any money right now would likely be a very bad idea.  There are pets in the house - hopefully he is taking care of those.  There is no other family nearby - the closest family is on my side of the family 220 miles away, otherwise his nearest family is on the opposite side of the country.  It just seems like this situation couldn't be any worse!

[artman.1]

Non-BPDinWA,

I am a Non-BPD in WA as well.  I would remind you that he is an adult and is ultimately responsible for his own behaviors and actions.  You may have to rent a temporary appartment for the time being while this plays out.  If he keeps calling the authorities with ridiculous claims, and False accusations of your behaviors, they will begin to conclude he is Mentally Ill. 

This will enable you to observe him from afar and not become affected with the authorities.  The only way for you to have any sort of protection for him while in this state of mind is to stay your distance and just observe.

Art

[GaGrl]

Is he under the care of a psychiatrist who can intervene?

[motherof1yearold]

So sorry to hear all of this !

At this point I must tell you this : You cannot help him. He needs to get himself help, have some insight , get treatment and take his medications consistently.

[Non-BPDinWA]

I called his Psychiatrist who he sees every few months and emailed his Psychologist who he hasn't seen in over a year.  I have permission to speak to the Psychiatrist, so we were able to discuss this, but unless he goes to see her I don't know that she's going to be able to do anything.  I asked that she call him, but I don't know that she was actually going to do that - she might think it better to deal with him if he calls her as he would know that I called her if she were to call him with no particular reason, and he might not like that.

I understand that he's an adult and is responsible for his own actions.  I just feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.  Aside from not really being able to get him help due to the No Contact Order, it is really sad to be restrained from my own house when I didn't even do anything wrong.  And I'm really concerned about the legal system with regards to Domestic Violence.  My lawyer thinks my case looks very good.  But what about the future?  If I end up moving back in and we don't split up, I will always have to worry that he will get dysregulated at some point in the future and make another false allegation again.  Have any of you dealt with anything like this involving BPD and law enforcement?  I suppose we could draft a letter stating that any Domestic Violence claims he makes may be fabricated due to his BPD / Bipolar, and he and his Psychiatrist could sign it, but even if I provided that to the police if he calls them, if there is probable cause to arrest me, the police would be required to do so.  Overall, I would like to make things work out between us as there are still too many good times, but I'm undecided because I fear for how this could impact my career, and I don't want to have to go thru what I'm going thru now again.

[motherof1yearold]

At this point you are caring more about him than  yourself.

Yes, he will make allegations in the future. After all, look how great it worked out for him this time!

One thing you may be missing, is that having you arrested validated his idea that you were abusive and a bad person.

I find it highly unlikely that he will ever sign any paper that says any future allegations are likely false due to his disorders.

At this point, you are compromising far too much to be with him. You now have a charge on your record that is nearly impossible to remove. Would you risk that again?

I do know that in an overwhelming number of abuse cases, the victim almost ALWAYS goes back to court and recants, explaining that they lied, when in fact , they did not lie. They want to appease their partner or have been threatened by the partner.

There has now been a new law passed which blocks any recanting from the victim. I don't know if this applies only in my state or if it applies to you as well, but anyways my point is that (even know your ex lied) , it may be a possibility that he would not be allowed to recant, even know he fabricated the incident.

[Non-BPDinWA]

I just found out that he filed a motion with the court to modify the no contact order on the 30th so I can talk to him on the phone.  I don't know if he will even show up at the court but if he does, I may get to talk to him on the 30th.  So, I'm now starting to think of what I should even say.  As long as this court case is going on I won't be able to go home to my own house unless he petitions to drop the no contact order entirely.  I thus need to be pretty restrained in what I say.  I really want him to understand how serious his recent actions are but from what I've heard recently, he's still pretty dysregulated.