Dealing with a bully

[mlle24]

This is probably going to be a long post, and I'm sorry in advance. I'm dealing with a grown adult woman bullying me.  I have friends and people who've read everything she's said and agree with me that she's being a biotch.  I don't know how to handle this anymore.  I don't want to deal with her and after all that's gone on somehow she still thinks we're buddies?  Here's the deal:

This lady from my quilt guild is acknowledging everything (every teeny tiny thing) that everyone else is doing and just passively being negative about things I've done without pointing fingers directly, but only critiquing things I've done.  I'm just so over it.  i feel so victimized and picked on.  She also argued about something for over a week, then told us a piece of information that legally required us to do it her way, and she acted like we were morons for not knowing, and rubbed it in our faces for days that she was right, and that we had to do it her way. But in a very weird way.  She talked about how it "had to be" this way, and she didn't understand why there was ever an argument.  (We didn't have the information at our disposal, otherwise it NEVER would have been a discussion, let alone anything that drawn out.  WHY on earth did she not give us that info 5 days sooner? Who knows. She's twisted.)

I know at least 1 other member of our executive committee agrees with me (she's my best friend). I've tried calling this bully out both via text so it's more private, and in the group on Facebook (and now via facebook message). I don't want to piss off the other members of the executive team by being more blunt. But she keeps being passive and negative about things i have done or not done and I'm really just sick of it. Like people were talking crap about me not taking notes/minutes and putting them online since September. uum i was out of town in October, November, and since then I've been standing at the front presenting/teaching. When would i have had time during the mtg to take notes?

I just don't understand why this lady seems to be coming after me. I'm ready to give up. My friend is trying her hardest to keep me from quitting... . But it's hard.  Things like this are the exact reason we didn't want to formalize and i haven't ever wanted anything to do with a guild before. I tried texting her to ask her what the heck basically and literally got no response. :/

I sent her a Facebook message that said:

L., if you have an issue with something I'm doing or not doing, i would really appreciate it being brought directly to me; and privately. Such as the big tent item. I'm still feeling as though you are mentioning things i have done or not done and being pretty negative about them. I had texted you last week in an attempt to tell you how i was feeling in hopes you would do the same so we might be able to clear the air. I got no response. So i will try this platform instead. I'm extremely uncomfortable with how much i feel targeted by many things you bring up on the exec board. Perhaps this is all a misunderstanding. Whatever it is, I'd like to discuss it like adults and move forward rather than ignoring it.

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At this point, I feel like if i bring this up and in front of the other execs they'll think I'm emotional or weak but I really feel like I'm back in middle school. And middle school was a BAD. and i mean BAD time for me.

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She sent this:

" i had absolutely no issue with your posting.  I was simply sharing with the e. committee the communications I received.  I felt it was important that these communications be shared with the group.  I have no problem in regard to any of your actions, except to say that it appears as though general discussions for the benefit of all (e. committee and guild) appear to be taken as some sort of personal affront.  As I have pointed out previously, there is nothing personal in any of these discussions.  If you feel targeted in some way, I would encourage you to reflect upon your actions and see if, perhaps, you might want to give consideration to you have some vulnerability which causes you to be overly sensitive.

I don't typically engage in dramatic, nonproductive dialogue.  It is not a value driver.  I don't have the time nor the energy to spend in nonproductive ways responding to dramatics.  I have always maintained a polite and professional attitude.  To imply otherwise is incorrect.  My only focus here is the benefit of the guild.  Nothing more nor less.  "

I feel worse than i did before. She's basically telling me it's me not her. And it may be a small percentage my sensitivity, but she's being condescending, inconsiderate and just all around rude. It's taking everything in me not to quit. Bc the thing is if she tries to run for president or whatever, against me- i think i would win. But if i step back i feel like she'll scare people off and in turn run the whole thing into the ground.

I have a uBPD mother, so maybe I'm more sensitive than some. But I have enough people manipulating me, being passive aggressive, and sucking all the life out of me as it is.

Then the other day she mentioned wanting to get a calendar on our blog.  She couldn't figure it out, a friend of mine couldn't figure it out.  So I got on and took care of it. I figured it out and accomplished it.  I told the group via facebook that i figured it out and yaay we could have a calendar now that the guild could see publicly.  I asked for everyone's email addresses so that they could edit the google calendar as well.  10 Comments later, she tells me that you can create a google calendar and we just have to figure out how to get it on the blog and facebook.  *Meanwhile I've already stated that the blog is accomplished, and the fb thing I'm working on because I don't think you can share a fb event calendar to JUST include the group events. I think if I connected my fb calendar to the google calendar, it would be any of my events, not just those of the guild.

She stupidly says "I can't edit it, do I need to be an administrator?"--YEA! That's why I ASKED FOR YOUR EMAIL to be added.

Then. The worst of the worst.  This just... . floors me. She has the AUDACITY to say "Thx. I knew between the brain power of us all we could get it added."---Biotch! I didn't ask for anyone's help. I didn't have someone sitting next to me telling me what to do. You didn't figure it out. I DID!

How do I possibly deal with someone who's so passive aggressive, so presumptuous, so condescending and I don't even know what else to call her. She's trying to take credit for something she had NOTHING to do with other than to ask for someone else to do it because she couldn't figure it out.

HOW am I supposed to be in this group, lead this group, and deal with her with all that's gone on?

[GeekyGirl]

She does sound like she has some sort of agenda, and I don't blame you for being angry. As someone who grew up with a BPD mother, you may be more sensitive than others (I know I am sometimes), but there are a few ways you can react.

When I get some constructive feedback, I'll ask, "Is that criticism true and constructive?" If it is, I look at what I can learn from it. If not, I move on and ask, "Is there a reason that this person is saying that?" Not everyone who criticizes is doing it out of spite. In this case, it sounds like this woman is making mountains out of molehills. Is there some other reason you can think of as to why she's making these comments? Is she insecure? Did you have a falling out with her otherwise?

What you said to her in the message you sent is good because it explains how you feel, rather than making accusations. You're also asking her to work things out by hearing each other out. That's good. You're bringing up the issue instead of ignoring it and putting out there that you're willing to compromise. If she chooses to not take the high road and work this out with you, that's her issue.

I feel worse than i did before. She's basically telling me it's me not her. And it may be a small percentage my sensitivity, but she's being condescending, inconsiderate and just all around rude. It's taking everything in me not to quit. Bc the thing is if she tries to run for president or whatever, against me- i think i would win. But if i step back i feel like she'll scare people off and in turn run the whole thing into the ground.

Reading what she wrote, I'd agree that she's being condescending and pointing out that your sensitivity is the issue here. Here's the thing, though: I'm willing to bet that others in the guild have seen this condescending behavior too. The best thing you can do is to continue to act appropriately and try to not let her get under your skin.

Do you like being in this group enough that you can brush aside her comments and not them bother you?

[mlle24]

GeekyGirl:

The group is sort of like "my baby". I have been 1 of 2 who has stuck with it, even when other people came and went. I have built it from the ground up and I love it. I'm good at it too.  People recognize me as one of the faces of the group. I just... . I don't want her to run it into the ground. I'm scared she's going to become this nazi of a leader if she's elected president (I wanted to be president until my friend read the duties in the bylaws and it doesn't suit either one of us). I just... . I feel like it's slipping out of my hands into the hands of someone who CLAIMS to have the best interest for the group, but really doesn't.

Worst case scenario, there's a well formed guild about 3.5 hours away from me that I could decide to start going to in addition to or instead of this one.  I want to be involved in this, and I want to continue to see it grow. My best friend and I started it for a reason, for it to be the guild WE would want to attend. But this lady is making it so hard for me to want to go anymore.

We have not had any altercations other than that which I've explained here.  So idk what her agenda is or what her problem is with me. But it's extremely unfortunate that I have to bear all this. When she seems to have no issues with anyone else.  She's condescending to everyone else, but not to the extreme that she is with me.

After i got that message from her I didn't have anything to say to her. I was shocked at how inconsiderate and condescending she was.  I've since just tried to be polite and professional and put it behind me. And just like my uBPD mom, she pretends like nothing ever happened and that we're "buddy-buddy".  We are not "buddy-buddy". I wish I could explain how upset and angry i am and have someone give a hit.  My boyfriend did not really seem to have any feelings one way or the other.  My best friend (who's also in the group) just says "yea, she's a bhit". But I don't feel consoled or comforted.  I'm unfortunately someone who wants to get people on her side. It's not for any particular reason, other than to make me feel like I'm not crazy and I'm not in the wrong.

I'm not good at just "not letting things bother me", or letting things go.  Especially when the behavior is continous.  Have any suggestions?

[GeekyGirl]

This is a group that you've put a lot of yourself into, and it has to be awful to see someone come in and try to change the dynamic. I'd be really irritated too. That's completely understandable.

You can use a lot of the same tools with her that you would use with your mom. You can set some limits, such as what topics you're willing to discuss and how much interaction you have with her. SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) is a good way to explain those limits to her and maintain your cool. It takes some practice and consistency on your part.

You mentioned that you're worried what would happen if she became president, which, given her behavior, makes a lot of sense. If you're not in a position to run for president, what would you do if the worst case scenario happened and she is elected president?

As frustrating as this is, I'd take the high road here and try to minimize the impact her behavior has on me through boundaries and limits. I know that's easier said than done, but it sounds like she's not going anywhere for a while, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to continue dealing with her.