How to let go.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yes, I agree it is going to take some time to fully get over her. The first week or so after she left I was very hurt because my ultimate goal in life was to be married and have a family. I felt like I was so close to having those dreams. When me and her got together we were both sure we wanted to marry each other and have kids, I looked back at notes she wrote me and ones I wrote her, we had everything planned out together. The notes continued on into when we went to college, but she then slowly stopped writing them, even though I continued to. I stopped for a while, but then after we started working at the same place, she was a secretary, and I worked out in the field, so I didn't see her often, I would sometimes write her a note the night before and either leave it on her desk after she left or come in early and leave it for her. I always tried to let her know how much I really did love her, but I never received notes back. I figured she was just busy and forgot, so I took it lightly.

It was really nice because there for a couple of months before my grandmother died, we were going out to eat together a lot, and seeing movies and just going on dates. We all used to go out with my family Friday nights to dinner, she always seemed to look forward to going, and it made me so happy. This continued after my grandmother passed, but then around the time she was diagnosed with bipolar, she gradually stopped wanting to do things. Of course I just stayed in with her then.

Back to what I was saying, I really felt like my dreams were crushed, so I figured I'll just find a new girl to be with that will make me happy. Then someone pointed out to me that she showed symptoms of BPD, I did research and then I saw how it effected me, and all the extreme feelings I was having made sense. So I have vowed not to look for a girl until I feel I am better, I want to give any future parter of mine my 100% and I can't do that right now.

I went home from work last night and cried a good bit, I then felt a lot better. I felt good that she had texted me twice already and I was able to ignore her. It empowers me to be able to do that.

,

[xandrew245x]

Yes, I agree it is going to take some time to fully get over her. The first week or so after she left I was very hurt because my ultimate goal in life was to be married and have a family. I felt like I was so close to having those dreams. When me and her got together we were both sure we wanted to marry each other and have kids, I looked back at notes she wrote me and ones I wrote her, we had everything planned out together. The notes continued on into when we went to college, but she then slowly stopped writing them, even though I continued to. I stopped for a while, but then after we started working at the same place, she was a secretary, and I worked out in the field, so I didn't see her often, I would sometimes write her a note the night before and either leave it on her desk after she left or come in early and leave it for her. I always tried to let her know how much I really did love her, but I never received notes back. I figured she was just busy and forgot, so I took it lightly.

It was really nice because there for a couple of months before my grandmother died, we were going out to eat together a lot, and seeing movies and just going on dates. We all used to go out with my family Friday nights to dinner, she always seemed to look forward to going, and it made me so happy. This continued after my grandmother passed, but then around the time she was diagnosed with bipolar, she gradually stopped wanting to do things. Of course I just stayed in with her then.

Back to what I was saying, I really felt like my dreams were crushed, so I figured I'll just find a new girl to be with that will make me happy. Then someone pointed out to me that she showed symptoms of BPD, I did research and then I saw how it effected me, and all the extreme feelings I was having made sense. So I have vowed not to look for a girl until I feel I am better, I want to give any future parter of mine my 100% and I can't do that right now.

I went home from work last night and cried a good bit, I then felt a lot better. I felt good that she had texted me twice already and I was able to ignore her. It empowers me to be able to do that.

,

[xandrew245x]

I also wanted to share some more of my feelings. Part of the reason I also think this is so hard on me is because beside her possibly having BPD, she seems like the perfect girl for me.

I was always a bit shy(once I feel comfortable I don't shut up though ) and usually kept to myself, and stayed home most of the time. I have always had low self esteem, I'm not the most attractive guy, and I am not skinny, but i'm not fat either. I have never really been happy with my appearance, but never really made much of an effort to change it. I figure I want someone to love me for who I am, not how I look. So when I met this girl, she was ideal, short blond hair, blue eyes, excuse me for saying this ,but big breasts(come on guys, you know you like them), she wasn't super skinny, she had some curve to her which I loved. So when she was attracted to me, I felt like I was the luckiest guy on earth to have caught someone like that. We shared a lot of similar interests like camping, video games, watching movies and tv series and just vegging out at home some days. We both enjoyed going to new restaurants either being a local diner, or a large food chain, and we often talked about starting a blog about restaurants we eat at, and we even talked about starting one about meals we cooked our self. I have been told I am a really good cook by a couple people, and I always thought she was very good too, and she enjoyed it, but the motivation was not there for her to stick to it.

At times it seemed like we were always on the same page (I would assume when she split me white) and other times we couldn't agree on anything and we would end up in a large, stupid argument(splitting me black) I have to admit, after my grandmother died I believe I started splitting her black myself, I focused on all the negatives she did, and I know I was downright mean to her at times which was awful of me. I always tried to apologize for everything I did wrong, and admitted to her I was wrong about it. I think someone asked me if she ever apologized or admitted she was wrong about something. The answer to that is really no, we had so many fights, scraps, arguments over stupid things, I usually always ended up apologizing because I really felt they were my fault, I would ask her to just please apologize when I knew she was wrong and she would give me the sarcastic and meaningless "i'm sorry" and that would be that. The first real apology I actually received from her was the tuesday that she completely blew up at me. After she went home she called me and said "I am extremely sorry for what I did, I was completely out of line, and it was completely wrong of me, and all my fault, it will not happen ever again" I don't know if her mom made her apologize, or if she really did feel that bad about it, I will never really know.

So other than the fighting and being put down and her anger issues, I really did believe she was the perfect girl for me, and I'm kind of afraid I won't find any other like her. I always loved blond hair and blue eyes so it was the perfect combination. When we started dating I remember saying to myself "you are the luckiest guy on the planet", I told everybody about me and her, and I was proud to call her my girlfriend.

I really do believe now though, the girl that she put on to be in the beginning is really the person stuck behind this illness, she is caring, loving, funny, very smart, very artistic, a great lover, and so much more. The girl she was in the beginning is the girl I could be happy with for my entire life, and that is the girl I hope comes back some day. I can remember after I noticed her starting to change, that I hoped and prayed that it was just something she was going through and she would bounce back. I am sure you guys know exactly what I mean. I look back on it now, and I can see how her and my behavior slowly destroyed our relationship. I still don't understand why she pushed so hard to marry me, she keeps telling me she thought it would make me change and our relationship would get better. I remember for a couple weeks after getting married things were great, I was extremely happy, she seemed very very happy, she even went out and bought sexy clothes for her to wear for me. I was loving the married life, and she seemed to as well. I thought it was actually going to work. I can remember before the wedding, she was very stressed, and she was lashing out at her family, I remember the day before she threw a huge temper tantrum with her mother. I know after the wedding was over there was a huge stress relief, we received a good bit of money from gifts, and things were very low stress. I think this is why things were going so smoothly between us at that point. I remember how instead of having sex, we sat there and opened all our cards and counted our money . Thats what we both wanted to do, we were both really tired, but she insisted that we had sex before going to bed, so we did. But it felt great that we were actually on the same page.

I look back at everything and its still hard to believe that these symptoms have been present the whole relationship, and I wish now that maybe I would have consulted a doctor and talk to them about them to get a professional opinion. I know one person she will listen to, and thats a doctor, so the outcome may have been completely different.

[xandrew245x]

Counseling went well today. I didn't talk to her to much about my ex directly, but I told her things she did and that I belived she may have BPD. After she evaluated me, she agrees that my ex probably does have BPD, and she says it has taken a very large mental toll on me. I liked one thing she said, and it is true in some cases, she said "The people that are in therapy are the ones that have been tormented by the ones who should be in therapy".

She talked to me some about BPD and made me understand it a lot better. She thinks its a good idea that I am not having contact with her. She is worried about me legally because she thinks that my ex could change her mind about everything in an instance and try to take everything from me. This really worried me. She had diagnosed me with anxiety and moderate depression. We are going to just try therapy to see if it helps before giving me medicine.

I look back now, my ex threatened to leave me if we did not get married. She new I was afraid of losing her, and she used that to manipulate me into getting what she wanted.

[lrngfrommistakes]

Andrew,

I am glad to hear the counseling went well today.

I think you are on the right path with the NC, this site and counseling! Remember that you have friends here that know what you are going through.

[lrngfrommistakes]

 One more thing... . You WILL make it through this and be better able to recognize the "red flags" of this illness. It took two of these relationships for me!

[xandrew245x]

My emotions are crazy, I will feel good one minute and be upset the next and missing her, it is really rough. She texted me telling me she hoped I had a good talk with my doctor, I still haven't answered her and I plan not to. I expect more texts from her the next couple of days, it may even lead to calls if I don't answer.

I know I will make it through this, and I am going to have my eyes peeled for these red flags in my future relationships because I am not putting myself through this again, I don't think I could take it again.

[xandrew245x]

I feel really rough today. I slept well last night but had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning, I am very tired today. I hope she doesn't try to contact me today because I really miss her right now, and I feel weak and I really want to talk to her.

I feel free from all the fighting and anger that was between us, I don't miss that one but, I do really miss the companionship, having someone there to always talk to no matter what the situation. That is what I really miss about her

[stop2think]

Hi xandrew245x

I know this restless urge to talk or see the person we loved and were used to sharing every detailks of our lives for the time we spent. Do yourself a favor and help your self to heal by keeping yourself busy and spending some time with friends/family. Go out for a walk yourself or read a book if you like.

By talking to her will do no good, perhaps you would feel better for sometime but it would push you back feeling terrible. Hold yourself together 

[willtimeheal]

Andrew,

The toughest part is the companionship. I miss having that person to talk to and laugh with and just reach out and touch. But that was just all in my mind. It was never that easy. We could just never talk or laugh. I always had to gage her mood to see if it was ok to talk or touch her. I have a hard time separating what was in my mind and what really happened. I have to remember how things really were. Focus on that. I am shaky today and wanted to stay in bed as well. Everyday is a struggle. You are not alone. Stay strong.

[xandrew245x]

I know exactly what you mean by gauging her mood. There would be days I would say very little to her because I knew she was in a bad mood. Then she would make me feel bad because I wasn't paying Attention to her. Me and her rarely had conversations anymore, I tried so hard to engage her in conversation but you could tell she really wasn't interested. However if she wanted to talk about something, I always tried to give her my full attention, but if I didn't she was always upset with me that I wasn't listening.

I tried to believe in my mind that she really did care about what I was saying and really did care about me. I still hold on to the girl she was the first 6 months for our relationship, and I still hope that girl comes back.

[gettingoverit]

I have been out of my relationship for over two years and I am still detaching. It's a process that can take quite a bit of time. The trick I think is to be patient with yourself and take one day, one minute, even one second at a time if you have too. I know for me the letting go of anger has been my biggest challenge. Her blatant disrespect and betrayal has been one hard pill to swallow. Some days are better than others. When I have bad days I make a point to "feel" it, then I try to move my thoughts in another direction. Time does heal as hard as it is to believe right now. I am no where near to where I was before when things first happened. Compared to that I am in heaven now... . . Continue to go to counselling, work on your own stuff, really live your life, and I promise you the letting go will come. I think it will be more like one day you realize you hadn't thought about your ex in x amount of days, or you realize that when you think about her, you don't get that feeling like you have been punched in the stomach anymore. That is progress. It does take time. More so than any other "normal" relationship  you have been in, so be very patient with yourself.

[xandrew245x]

I know what you mean, she had blatant disrespect for me and my family. She constantly talked about my parents to me, and how they did this or that, or they did this wrong or that wrong. I couldn't believe she would disrespect them that much after everything they have done. I mean my mom is downright pissed about this whole situation and she went to her mothers house to talk to her mom about it, her mom just kinda smirked about it and really didn't give her any answers. My ex called me bawling, telling me how awful it was of my mom to do such a thing, and she is still telling me it was awful of my mom to do that.


She would constantly try to start fights in my family, she would go to my mother and tell her that my dad was hitting on these women, which he really wasn't, my parents have been married for 30+ years and they have had a good marriage, I know he wouldn't do that. I"m angry that she could do this to me after everything we have been through and everything I have done for her. I think being angry about the situation is defiantly going to be the hardest part for me to get over.

I already feel slightly better, I know now, even though I feel like I was better off in the relationship, that it was toxic, and was slowly destroying me as a person. I became do dependent on her being there, and so attached to her that I never thought she would leave me, and I grew accustomed to the constant abuse. I know subconsciously I was feeling the pain of the relationship, I was having problems sleeping, I was starting to lash our really badly at things she would say, I became very angry, I became a person I didn't think was possible. But on the outside, and in my mind I put on a brave front, and told myself it was just part of being married and part of everyday life and stress. I know now that I was wrong.

Part of it that scares me is how long it will take to recover. I don't want to date anyone knew until I feel better. I have had dreams and hopes of having a family before the age of 26, it is still possible because I am now just turning 22, but I felt I was already set up to have my dreams come true. That is the part that really crushed me. I am so glad now I didn't give in to her urges of wanting kids. Everytime we would go to the store she would go to the baby clothing section and talk about how cute the clothes was and how she couldn't wait to be a mother. It really scared me, I mean I was only 21 and she 20, I didn't want to be a parent at that age yet, I think that was a red flag that opened my eye a little, and I started to set boundaries.


Before her, I really didn't live much of a life. I blame most of that on my anxiety and my lack of desire to get my anxiety fixed. I have had a couple very close friends who have been with me for a long time. They are all into online video games, so before that what I did most of the time, they never really went and did anything either, so I didn't. I had been on a youth bowling team for 5 years, and I did meet some new friends through that, I also was in a band for a couple of years, I have no clue how I managed to get on stage and perform, it wasn't easy, and one time I got so embarrassed over a mistake I made while playing live that I quit the band and never looked back.

Since she had left me I have been seeing my friends a lot more. They have invited me to go out, we play online games together and chat almost every night. I am considering joining a bowling league again this fall. I have lived more of my own life the past month than I have since me and here were married 8 months ago. she never directly told me  I couldn't go see my friend, but she made me feel guilty about going in a very indirect and manipulative way.

I am so much better off without her, I am excited to see what my future holds for me, who I may meet, who I may end up marrying, its scary to start all over, but its going to be a good experience.

[tailspin]

andrew,

I was able to let go the minute I stopped trying to save him and decided to save myself instead.  I chose me.

They become our lifeline and it takes a great deal of courage to let go when it seems we have such a long way to fall.  But holding on to a sinking ship will take you down with it every time.   

tailspin

[willtimeheal]

Tailspin,

How did you let go?  How did you just get it all out of your head?  The fact that she has not contacted me in over a week is killing me.  How did you do it?  I am in counseling, focusing on myself and what I enjoy, going places, reading, doig everything I am suppose to but I still think about her. 

[tailspin]

Tailspin,

How did you let go?  How did you just get it all out of your head?  The fact that she has not contacted me in over a week is killing me.  How did you do it?  I am in counseling, focusing on myself and what I enjoy, going places, reading, doig everything I am suppose to but I still think about her. 

Holding on to my ex was slowly killing me emotionally.  Thinking about him all the time was like taking a little bit of arsenic every day knowing that eventually I was going to die a slow, painful death. 

Letting go was a choice I had to make.  This didn't mean he was out of my head completely; but it did mean he wasn't the focus of my attention anymore.  I chose to focus on myself instead.  It felt strange, it was difficult, and it took some time but it was also the first step out of the FOG.

It really begins with believing in yourself sometimes perhaps for the first time.  We are so used to "doing" for them; well you deserve to do something good for yourself, too. 

So just do it.

tailspin

[xandrew245x]

Tailspin, I think I kind of hand that lightbulb go off in my head on Monday. It kills me to know she will probably be in pain the rest of her life, possibly even if she does get help, she might still be in pain. I realized that it her battle, not mine. I decided to stop talking to her on Monday at my own will, and I still feel pretty good about not taking to her. What hurts me is to think about all the good times me and her had, all the future plans we had talked about, and just our future in general. We had (well I guess you could say I had) big plans for our future. Now that I look back at her illness I realize those plans were probably nothing more than words to her and there wouldn't be any follow through.

However I still miss the good times we had, those are the things that really still get to me. I especially miss all the good memories we made through out the very early stages of our relationship. She sucked me in so quickly, and I remember telling her I loved her. I look back, and I don't know if I really did love her at that time, but with time I really had fallen in love with her. I can remember it feeling like I was rescuing her, and she was rescuing me. She told me she had nightmares at night until we started spending the night together and it all faded away, she talked about how awful her ex was and that he treated her awfully and abused her and that I was the perfect man. I felt like I had saved her from all the bad in her life. Now that I look back that's exactly what they try to get you to believe and I fell right into the trap.


Like I said the best thing for me so far is realizing I can't do anything about it, it's going to have to be something she does on her own. No matter how much I try to talk to her about it, it will only make it worse. I stopped communication so she will stop playing head games with me.

[tailspin]

andrew,

It is so hard; like a narcotic withdrawal.  I finally realized I was waiting for my ex to make me feel better.  Waiting for someone who is mentally ill to make us feel better is a total waste of our time because it's Never. Going. To. Happen.

The first step in taking back control of your life is deciding what's important to you.  When you focus on what's important... . the background noise will start to fade away until it's gone.  I promise this is true and it will happen to you.  Sometimes we forget that we hold the key to the chains we've forged.  Give yourself permission to turn the key and run like hell.

tailspin

[xandrew245x]

Yeah, I agree, waiting for her to come back and make me feel better is never going to happen. She can't even make herself feel better. I guess what I am really stuck on is how angry I am over everything. I just want to write her a really long email telling her how she has destroyed me as a person, how the past three years has been a lie, and so much more, but I know I shouldn't.

I know I can't help her, and she may never get better if she never tries to or wants to, and she will continue to bring down everybody around her. I know whats important to me, and she had come between me and that quite a good bit. I want to just run from these feelings so bad, I know I am the one who controls these feelings, but I can't seem to get out from underneath the weight that is crushing me.

[shaggysoul]

I hate how whatever I convince myself that I am better off, that he is damaged, that I was so miserable with him... . that he abused me... . I am deep down thirsting to hear from him again. Even though I do not think I will. Ever.

He is not the type to recycle.

And it is a shameful wish to have.

I make myself sick sometimes.

[xandrew245x]

I know I am better off, I honestly only ever wanted equal love, respect, and equal responsibility among us, she never gave me them, I felt as if I was taking care of a child. I know I deserve someone who will love me as much as I love them, and who will help me, and be there for me emotionally and someone I will feel that I am not just having to take care of them.

I have to be very careful with her, I notice a pattern that if I was trying to talk to her, she wanted nothing to do with me, and would often get angry that I was trying to contact her. However when I give her the cold shoulder and ignore her, she will send me texts or call me trying to reach out to me, I haven't talked to her since monday, and I have already received a few texts and calls from her.

I want nothing more than for her to get better and for us to be together, but I know it will likely not happen. I know that, when things don't work out with this other boy, she is going to come back after me, and try to recycle me. Its not happening, I can't let it happen.

Shaggy, you seem like a good person, just hang in there, we are all here for you. You can lean on my shoulder if you need to, as long as I can lean on yours as well.

[shaggysoul]

Thanks!

I feel like a mess. But this board is helping. So is therapy.

Of course you can lean on me. Seems like you are still in the throngs of it though. I could never have any clarity while he was creeping around in the outskirts of my life. Much better now that he is gone. Doesn't help the heartache though.

[xandrew245x]

I feel like a mess too, crying almost everyday. She hit me with the divorce topic about a month and a half ago after becoming close to a guy she only met the day before. It was a huge shock, I was dying for answers because I thought me and her were actually getting better. Counseling defiantly helps, I have only had one session, but it made me feel so much better talking to professional who understands the situation. It wasn't until someone tipped my off to BPD that the lightbulb really went off, I did a lot of reading and it all started making sense, everything she said and everything she did from the first word we ever sent to each other, it all added up.

I really feel for you, because I know the pain and heartache you are going through, and I would never wish this upon anybody, ever!

[Conundrum]

When suffering, ask, what is it that I crave, and why do I cling to it?  Here, the answer to the former will be "a person," and the answer to the latter is "how that person made me feel."

We crave and cling to what the pwBPD "did for us." And what "they did" was present the most pleasurable of illusions, masked under the guise of realism. There are worse crimes in this world than that. They are dream-weavers.

Inevitably, we must all ask ourselves--will it be the blue or red pill?

I say, happily swallow the red pill and strip away the veneer. Do we really desire worshiping the construct of a disordered person as our benchmark for happiness. Strip away the extremes, the black, the white, and find peace in the neutral gray. What remains, is a person. A troubled person. Perhaps a person deserving of your compassion. Perhaps even a friend. There may have been love in our relationships, but it was not an epic for the ages, it was transitory. All things change. We let go by not clinging. We stop clinging when we master our wants. We master our wants through clear perception. We feel compassion, when we let go of the desire to possess another for "how they made us feel."   

       

[Trick1004]

Andrew,

I'm seven weeks in now since my ex of 3+ years left me and I understand how hard it is the first couple of weeks. Outside of a few written letters, emails, and texts I still haven't seen or talked to her and at this point don't really want to.

I don't know, I might have been lucky. I just felt so betrayed and devalued on the night she wanted to breakup, that something deep inside of me threw in the towel. She wanted to keep living with me for another month and I told her no way and while she was moving out while I was at work she kept wanting to meet to "talk about landlord and moving stuff." It was the hardest thing I've ever done to resist those requests but I was able to and I think I shocked her quite a bit by resisting her efforts to suck me back in.

I got a "hey, how are you email?" this past Monday. I'll admit I laughed a little bit when I read it, that was the best she could do? Anyway, it went into the trash with no response. I have yet to receive any kind of acknowledgement or appreciation for all I did for her when we were together, but she still wants to get together to "talk". I think she is using the lack of closure on her part as her last bargaining chip to suck me back in. What she doesn't realize though is that each day that goes by that is less and less likely to happen.

Anyway, whenever I start feeling weak, or sad, or want to contact her I just think about the level of disrespect I feel she had for me and our relationship. I also think about how emotionally drained I was during the last few weeks we were together and how less stress-out and depressed I am now with her gone. Making that first step of NC is hard, but the sooner you do it the sooner you can start to heal. It does get easier every day.

[xandrew245x]

Conundrum, you are exactly right, I cling to how she made me feel when I was with her. I knew the things she was doing was blatantly wrong, and I know how I retaliated and even sometimes started things were no better . Towards the end of our relationship I didn't want to fight and would often do whatever I could to defuse the situation but it seemed to just make it worse. She may have "loved" me, but I don't know if I can beleive it now, since she has already told the new guy she loved him, but when I confronted her about it, it was "Oh you know I don't love him, I still love you"

Trick, The first few weeks after she left were very very rough on me, She wanted to stay living in my house and working with my parents until she found another job and got things settled out. Me thinking that maybe this was just something that would blow over, I left her. I felt that we really good chance of working this out and staying together. It wasn't until after I found out what she had done with this other boy already did I get very upset, and she chose to move to her moms herself, that was a month ago. It was then that somebody brought up BPD, and thats when the lightbulb went off in my head.

I still spent every day and every chance trying to convince her to come back, and then trying to convince her to get help. I had finally come to the realization at the beginning of this week that I can't help her, this hits me really hard because I do in fact love her, and care about her very much. It disgusts me that her childhood was the way it was, nobody deserves that, and that it had turned a great girl into someone who may never be happy ever again.

I found that when we started dating, she fit all the traits of a borderline. I fell right into the trap, the sex came very quickly, and it was not safe. We had long deep conversations, now that I look back, we talked about me, and my interests most of the time. She talked about how awful her ex was, and that he was abusive, and she told me about a best friend that committed suicide years before(Now I really don't know if this is true because she wouldn't let me ever bring it up to her mother). I remember  she gave me a hemp necklace, she made me feel so special about it because she said it was one she made for her friend that died, but he died before she could give it to him. I felt honored to receive it. She also told me she had horrible nightmares, and that when we started spending the night together they stopped. It made me feel perfect.  Now I look back and see that it was all a head game. As time went on, the conversations shifted to her, and then they died all together.

Like I said, monday It kinda clicked in my brain that I can't help her, and I am going to get drug down if I stay on this sinking ship. I decided to go no contact and told her not to talk to me, she replied "okay." It wasn't even 2 hours later I received another text saying "xandrew245x" I want you to know I care about you and I appreciate that you are trying to help me" There was another text later on that night. The following day I received two more, one saying that she hoped I had a good talk with my doctor. She tried calling me yesterday.

I know what you mean that she can't even send anything giving acknowledgement or appreciation. I have done so much for her, I took her under my wing, support her both financially and emotionally, gave her everything she wanted. She drops me in a hearbeat for another guy, and she can't even give me a "thank you, I really appreciate everything you and your family has done for me" When I start missing her or thinking about her, I just remember that, and every time she disrespected me and my family.

I am not sure what my ex is trying to do, she keeps telling me she doesn't want to be with me, or I should say can't be with me, but it seems like she is doing what ever she can to keep me attached to her, perhaps so if things don't work out she will have something to fall back on? I know I will certainly not be recycled like that. If things didn't become serious between them, and they never became intimate, and she started to get help and take medicine, then possibly I would take her back, but she would have to get better.

I don't know If I feel better since she left, I have fallen into a depression, and my anxiety has gotten much worse. I am starting to understand everything a lot better, it just hurts to know how mentally ill she actually is. Its almost equivalent to watching someone slowly die from cancer. It is very painful to watch.

I know the first couple of months we were together I really wasn't in love with her nor did I love her, I was just feeling the lust. I can say that I did fall in love with her though, there was a real person behind this illness, and she would show her self, I loved that girl. The longer our relationship went, the more she painted me black than white, and I know it took a toll on me. I often asked myself what I was doing wrong, I had trouble sleeping, eating, even functioning some days. Then the next second she was just the most pleasant person and turned my mood completely around. I think the hardest part on me was the constant emotional flips, I could handle the insults, the punishment, the anger, because i could always dish those things right back to her, but the one thing I could not handle was her lack of approval of me. I wanted to hear the words just  a couple of times " I am proud of you", or "You are doing a great job". I tried so hard to give her what she wanted, and even started a part time business to give us more cash. I felt like I had did so much, and she only disproved of it all. She knew exactly how to hurt me emotionally, and hurt me bad.


Mornings are extremely hard for me, I'm not sure if its because every morning I would wake up before her and roll over and hold her close to me. Or the fact that we would usually shower together in the morning. I had always felt a heightened sense of love and attachment in the mornings, so I think maybe that is why I am having a harder time with mornings.

[bpdspell]

With our BPDex's it's let go or be dragged.

What helped me is understanding that even if I went back to my ex he's disordered and he violated my trust. . Yes. We cannot ever TRUST them. I could never trust a word that came out of his disordered mouth or twist my brain in trying to understand his rubix cube pretzel faulty logic.

We cannot trust them and that's enough for me to not want to step back into his world.

Like Conundrum stated... . they are dream weavers... . living in child like fantasy thoughts, and the objectification of others. They are with us but they cannot SEE us for us they can only see what we can do for them. Their capacity to love us will never be mature and fully reciprocal. They are entitled takers on a neurotically parasitical level and to me that's the furthest from HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Spell

[Octoberfest]

With our BPDex's it's let go or be dragged.

What helped me is understanding that even if I went back to my ex he's disordered and he violated my trust. . Yes. We cannot ever TRUST them. I could never trust a word that came out of his disordered mouth or twist my brain in trying to understand his rubix cube pretzel faulty logic.

We cannot trust them and that's enough for me to not want to step back into his world.

Like Conundrum stated... . they are dream weavers... . living in child like fantasy thoughts, and the objectification of others. They are with us but they cannot SEE us for us they can only see what we can do for them. Their capacity to love us will never be mature and fully reciprocal. They are entitled takers on a neurotically parasitical level and to me that's the furthest from HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Spell

Good post

[xandrew245x]

BPDspell, that was a very good post. I know that even if I did take her back, and she was committed to therapy, I could still never trust her. It would take an extremely long time to ever gain trust back, if it would eve be possible.

Like you said, I never knew if the words coming out of her mouth were true or not, I didn't believe half of it, towards the end I didn't even believe the words "I love you" anymore. I guess the easiest way to view the relationship would be she saw me as a caregiver, a parent almost. She wanted unconditional love and wanted me to be perfect. I am human, so of course I couldn't be perfect, I made mistake, I did things she didn't like, which lead to her hating me. I love her, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much as I did her, and I hope more than anything that she can get better and live a normal life and possibly be happy.

This is really tough on me, and I believe the relationship caused me to do things I never would have ever even thought about doing in my life.

[bpdspell]

BPDspell, that was a very good post. I know that even if I did take her back, and she was committed to therapy, I could still never trust her. It would take an extremely long time to ever gain trust back, if it would eve be possible.

Like you said, I never knew if the words coming out of her mouth were true or not, I didn't believe half of it, towards the end I didn't even believe the words "I love you" anymore. I guess the easiest way to view the relationship would be she saw me as a caregiver, a parent almost. She wanted unconditional love and wanted me to be perfect. I am human, so of course I couldn't be perfect, I made mistake, I did things she didn't like, which lead to her hating me. I love her, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much as I did her, and I hope more than anything that she can get better and live a normal life and possibly be happy.

This is really tough on me, and I believe the relationship caused me to do things I never would have ever even thought about doing in my life.

I'm with you. I did things in response to his behavior that I'm certainly not proud of. I said things and even discovered my own personal "crazy" side as the relationship took a sharp turn for the worst.    The trust issue is HUGE for me and I have a lot of love for my ex but love is not enough to find true lasting happiness in these relationships. What hurt me most in my breakup is the BETRAYAL. So so so so painful. So hard to accept that I was betrayed and lied to. The fact that they are mentally ill doesn't make it any less devastating.

But I'm further down the road of healing so I am able to put his mental illness into perspective but it's still hard to fully accept at times.

And I'm so saddened that this man child  I sincerely loved will continue to live a broken life because he is undiagnosed and still hopping from woman to woman hoping to find "the one."

Spell

[xandrew245x]

I think we can really relate spell. The biggest betrayal to me was defiantly all the lies and the breakup. Here was a young women, who was still 19, and was pushing me to marry her. She seemed so certain on being married, I don't know why I didn't find it odd, especially with the threats she made. Then 8 months down the line of being married she wants a divorce and she is on to another guy. That was DEVASTATING to me, because for a while I thought I had drove her right into the arms of another guy.

During our relationship I felt like I had start to lose touch of myself, I start feeling things and doing things that were very wrong in my eyes, and I feel guilty about them. My anger and anxiety went out of control, and I felt like I was losing control of myself.

I am very sad that she will live a life like this, probably forever, she is also undiagnosed, and I don't think she will ever have the motivation to ever want to find out whats wrong.