She blew up at... now what?

[lostandbroken]

So my BPD had a blow up at work and now she went for a walk. I asked if she needed to talk and she said she just needs to be alone. So I'm letting her be alone. Am I doing the right thing?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Is she back?

How did it go?

There are little constant right and wrong actions with someone who has BPD. Even though it's what she wanted when she went out, she might feel differently when coming back. And for her feelings = facts. Which means that whatever she's feeling at the moment is the right way to feel and the truth and anything that has been said or done before gets twisted around to fit with that feeling.

I don't know if I'm being very clear here. What I'm trying to say is that you do what you feel comfortable doing and what you feel is right. It's important that we hold our own. Not in an aggressive way, but just to be sure we don't bend over backwards and lose ourselves. And if she's not okay with that, which will often be the case, you can choose to validate (if you want to) which might sooth her. If she starts being abusive or raging, you take a time out.

[bruceli]

Is she back?

How did it go?

There are little constant right and wrong actions with someone who has BPD. Even though it's what she wanted when she went out, she might feel differently when coming back. And for her feelings = facts. Which means that whatever she's feeling at the moment is the right way to feel and the truth and anything that has been said or done before gets twisted around to fit with that feeling.

I don't know if I'm being very clear here. What I'm trying to say is that you do what you feel comfortable doing and what you feel is right. It's important that we hold our own. Not in an aggressive way, but just to be sure we don't bend over backwards and lose ourselves. And if she's not okay with that, which will often be the case, you can choose to validate (if you want to) which might sooth her. If she starts being abusive or raging, you take a time out.

Very well put and agreed.  Just found out today that just the mere thought of me leaving changed her tune in an instant even though for the last couple of months atleast 3+ times a week that we should seperate because she needs her space and more time with her friends.

[lostandbroken]

I feel right now like I'm dieing a little inside. I know that's my feeling and I must own it and deal with this on my own terms.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

What happened that you feel this way?

[lostandbroken]

Because I feel I do love her with everything that I am.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Ok, I see. I understand that feeling.

Is she not home yet and are you afraid of losing her? Or is there something else that makes you feel so sad when you feel that you love her so much?

[lostandbroken]

Because she is hurting. I know she is hurting. and that hurts me

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm so sorry. That's not a good place to be. I've felt the same for my dBPDbf.

First of all, it's important that you take care of yourself so that you can be strong and calm in the relationship. What are some things you could do to make sure you take care of yourself?

And there are tools and behaviours you could use so that things will be calmer between you and she'll feel more heard and understood. Have you taken a look at the lessons on the right? ------>

How are things between you at the moment?