What do I do? (Unfolding now)

[coasterhusband]

Turning to my peeps to help me out... .

After a big argument on Tuesday, my dBPDw has been knocking around the house since then with a thick layer of sad. She needed me, she says, but I wasn't there. Normal BPD flair up, really.

I started a new therapist this week after having taken some months off.

We were supposed to have some together time tonight, but on the way out the door, she was clearly not interested in going. I asked calmly and politely if she'd like to go some other time, it turned into her flairing. (I was proud that I handled with quietness and boundaries and spine)

Anyway, after a few minutes of her telling me she required me to apologize and after me saying I understand your feelings and then politely declining to have a debate about a topic we already discussed and she knew my opinions on, she continued to get more quiet angry. Finally she blurted out "WE NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME APART!"

I calmly responded that that's her choice, but that I wasn't going to be leaving the house. We both quietly disengaged and went to our corners. (I felt I handled it pretty well, especially since I came out mentally in-check!)

But here we are a few hours later and she's in the bedroom, door open (clear sign she's looking for my attention), crying loudly. I'm in the next room over with the door closed, as it has been.

She's clearly trying to manipulate me. What do I do? Can I stay in here all night? Should I be saying something? Ignoring it? Waiting for her to come to me?

HALP!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 simple

let her know u are going for a walk and then go let her deal with her feelings on her own.

  i would try to ignore them, but if you can't and she is getting to loud leave just let her know u will be back .

[coasterhusband]

Good advice. Sitting in the car now, getting some very late dinner.

When I left, she had just fixed herself a whiskey, had brought the whole bottle in, and was crying and gulping.

Clearly, I need to strap in. It's going to be a bumpy night.

[arabella]

Nevermind for a moment what she's trying to do. What do you want to do? Would you feel better getting out of the house for a bit, as Wanda suggested? Would you feel better extending a small olive branch? What do you need to take care of you?

You don't have to take the blame for something you didn't do. But if you're feeling up to it, you can always engage in a short round of validating her feelings of sadness. If you go that route, you might want to do a quick review of the lesson on validation to get yourself ready!

[coasterhusband]

I wanted to stop hearing sobbing. So I left.

I'm back now. She's asleep, aka passed out drunk, I think, on the bathroom floor.

I rubbed her back, said twice that she should get into bed. Her response was "whaterya talkin bout?"

Enough for me. Not going to participate in the drama. Grabbed my pillow and headed to the guest room for the night. Done. In bed at a decent hour and I didn't have to be part of nonsense.

Patting myself on the back

[eeyore]

 

She's a big girl.  So did you have a feeling of peace while you were out having dinner.  I always felt at peace when I made the decision to take a time out.  Doing what makes you feel at peace is one of the best things I found I could do for myself.   When he learned that I wasn't affected by the pouting and gauntlet dropping the childish behavior subsided.

[Wanda]

   

this is what you needed to do let her deal with her feelings, expecially when she is drunk hard enough dealing with them sober much less drunk. lucky for me my husband is 25 years a recoverd alcoholic easier to deal with... . but you did the right thing.

[Chosen]

I think you did really well, coasterhusband 

It's sad to see them deal with emotions in this way, but we can't take that burden away from them... .