Need advice

[really]

I know what the advice will be but I need to just vent tonight.

For a year and a half I have sought honesty from my ex.   She lied to me for almost two years and betrayed my trust after begging for it.  I've written about my story on this site

All I wanted from her was for her to give me a few words of honesty about when she started seeing the guy she cheated on me with (the last guy). 

She simply won't do it.  She is in no doubt about how much the lies hurt.  She knows just how little it would take from her to help me move on.  She will be getting married soon.

I know BPD is a terrible disorder but I simply do not get why when it costs her absolutely nothing that she continues to refuse to give me the one simple thing I feel I need to move on and to be able to trust again. She had a couple of moments of lucidity during our relationship where she could see how much the previous lies hurt and damaged me.

I want to write to her family and send them the two years of emails and texts to show what a liar she is.   Well I don't but I feel that is my only chance of her being honest with me. 

I could not treat my worst enemy like this let alone someone who I told I wanted to marry and have a family with. 

[Nearlybroken]

Really,

I am not in a position to give you advice as I am still struggling to come to terms with my expwBPD's behaviour towards me.But you are not alone in failing to obtain honesty from your ex.I genuinely believe that my ex is obtaining pleasure from not being honest with me.All I want to know is the truth... . but my ex seems to think that being silent when asked questions and not giving me explanations is actually a truthful action.Its hard for me to explain but if he doesn't respond to my questions/texts in his eyes because he is not actively denying what I know to be the truth then he is not being dishonest with me ( about keeping me a secret from his ex wife, becoming friendly with his ex wife, cheating on me etc).He is never honest and takes no responsibility for anything.It's all me.He has lied to others about me.It is hurtful and frustrating and I would not treat my worst enemy with the contempt with which he treats me, ley alone someone who you were going to marry and have children with.His behaviour is simply awful and nasty.I feel for you, I really do

[really]

Thanks for your response.   Yes I understand that.    When I was with my ex she self harmed on at least one occasion and took an overdose on another.   I wasn't there at the time but I saw the cut marks and she told me about the overdose.     Earlier this year one of my friends reached out to her and asked her to be honest with me.  She went off about I had threated to hurt myself ( I have I have felt that desperate at times since the breakup).   When he said that he was aware of the time she had done that herself she went off at him by email and said (you can believe what you want).  I turned to my friend at that time as I was still a secret to her family ( well her parents at least) and I did so for advice not to belittle her. 


The silent treatment is a killer.   I could deal with it if I just had the truth but God I am struggling when I am not worth 5 seconds of her life after supporting her in every way for almost two years. She knows how much it is hurting me yet she won't say the few words that will give me closure on my terms

[danley]

Throughout my relationship with my ex he has been honest with me. Even to the point where he lacks tact Sometimes. But I'd rather have all honesty instead of lies. He was always open with his fears, his everything. However looking back he wasn't honest with hhimself. He never fully accepted his fears and worked on them. He neglected them and lied to himself and thought it would go away. It wasn't until he reached a point where he could no longer hide. He began to be untruthful towards the end of the relationship. Not big lies but small ones that made a big impact. He was lying to push me away because he said he couldn't face the people in his life when they find out he was divorced and that we were together. So he said he was ashamed to be seen with me in public now. He slowly started shutting me out.

When he finally ended things is when the lies morphed into ugly disordered thinking. He painted me black. He couldn't even give an honest response to any of my questions. His thoughts were scattered and made no sense. He went thru huge lengths to shout his lies as if the louder he spoke that it meant it were more true. He seemed to think the more he repeated his lies that it would be truer. I was so thrown back by his sudden outbursts of craziness. I felt defeated from trying to defend myself and from trying to talk sense and truth into my ex.

When my ex revealed that he was talking to someone new after three months of us being broken up I wanted to know WHEN. HE said it was way after we broke up but I was appalled that he was trying to justify the timeframe. Me knowing WHEN only made me feel crappier.


The only advice to you would be that you look at what you already know and feel in your heart and go from there. You may never get honesty from your ex but that shouldn't stop you from healing. Is it important that you know WHEN she started talking to her fiance? It won't change the fact that she's getting married.

I do understand how you feel tho as I've been there too.

[really]

Thanks Danley.  Maybe it shouldn't matter but it really does and the reason is that when she told me previously that she had been dishonest I have her my support forgiveness and understanding.    And it would help me stop blaming myself.  I am not a liar.   My friends and family are not liars.   I went through so much for her and I could stop turning my anger on myself and let go.    I just don't seem to be able to do it without the truth.  Three days before she dumped me she was wearing my engagement ring. Two days before she was telling me how everything was ok and went out of her way to reassure me that her mum was completely

Ok about the fact I was divorced (from my wife's adultery).   She said "you are part of the family" two days before she dumped me. 

The psychologists I went to see has no doubt.  I had never heard of BPD.  This site and hours with psychologists have confirmed beyond doubt that this is what she suffers from.  But the painting black and the final dishonesty hurts like hell.  I know she needs to do it to survive and not spiral into self harm again but that doesn't make it any easier when my life has fallen apart.

[GlennT]

Really; I'm confused. You really don't believe that you need only a few little "honest" words from her disordered mind in order for you to move on and to trust again do you? Your hurting, and her few little words are'nt going to miraculously heal you. You can try to ask her again, but she wants you to wait until after her new fairytale turns into another nightmare, when she recycles you again. She don't want you to spoil it all now. Then, she will not fail to provide you with that one "honest" answer, and throw in a few more of her "promises" along with it. Please do NC and give yourself time to heal. That's all you need.

[really]

Glenn I think the bad dreams might stop the ruminating about when it started

There won't ever be a recycle.  I moved to the other side of the world.   I gave up a partnership my house and lost years of hard earned savings to get as far away as possible.

I do think just those few words would help.   No it wouldn't miraculously heal my hurt but yes it would help me move on.    I have asked so many times until I've driven myself nearly mad. 

[lrngfrommistakes]

Really,

I share your pain. My ex BPD cheated on me twice and an ex ex BPD cheated once that I know of. (Yes, I had two of these relationships with different women). The pain was terrible.

I would have liked answers too, but I do not think they are capable of giving an honest answer (and would you really want a dishonest answer?). I got the same answer from my ex BPD both times I asked her why: she said "It was AWKWARD."

The ex ex asked me to work on her business computer and I saw an e mail from a common friend asking if she had found his underwear in her bathroom. I never told her I saw the email because I loved her, but that is when I knew I had to move on to preserve the little self esteem I had left. The first BPD relationship (ex ex) had a lot of drama and arguments and red flags, but that e mail was the proof of her infidelity.

These are really painful relationships to get over, but you will!

I decided to use these relationships as learning opportunities to focus on improving myself and discovering why I allowed myself to be drawn in twice!

This seems to be a great place to learn about this disorder. I am finally able to start getting over the feeling that I am totally responsible for the disintegration of these relationships. I am trying to identify the things in myself that I can work on to make myself a better partner in my next (hopefully NON) relationship.

[Sparky2Blame?]

For me... . a few words, opening up, and honesty about what really went on would help make the closure easier.  It would let me know that she was human and that there was some empathy and guilt to her actions. And that would have giving me some vindication that all my feelings weren't imagined.  And some piece of mind that what we had meant more then "nothing" to her as well.  Thats the hard part, feeling like you meant very little to someone you cared about so much.  A small sefless act (such as honesty) to help seal up some loose ends would go a long way to show that they did care at one point. And it would be so easy for them to give... . but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Good luck in obtaining what you seek.  But in the end , I think you will need to find your own peace.  And come to terms with the fact that there are issues behind the surface that prevent her offering this to you.

It might be helpful to figure out the reason that you really need to hear this from her.  And what will it really solve for you.

[Bananas]

Really,

I could have written your first post.  You and I both know the truth.  My ex will never be honest with me about the end of our relationship and when he started his relationship with my replacement, it would cause him too much shame.  And he has to keep his story straight for the new girl.  

I am about four months out and I am having little moments of starting not to care.  Hang in there. It does get better!