Quick question

[Wishful thinking]

Can anyone tell me how you deal with your partner/significant other, if they have their emotional affairs?

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Wishful thinking



If you're comfortable, could you tell us a little bit more, that might be helpful.

Do you know for sure or is it more something you think?

Is this the first time this has happened?

Does your partner know that you know/suspect?

What does she/he say?

[iluminati]

I'm with Scarlet Phoenix here.  Give us more details, and we can help much easier.  (Oh, and nice name there Scarlet Phoenix, from a Scarlet Knight  )

[Wishful thinking]

Yeah sure

H wanted a divorce much to my shock in May.

Since Sept last year he hasnt been the same and I saw his web browsing sites at the time (by mistake).

He was looking porno. And I also discovered he had two women whom he declared his undying love for. The one he seemed to text until 2am in the morning and the other was totally online. An online dating site of some sort.

I made it clear to him that i would not be tolerating this. He stopped. Or so I thought. He stopped with those initial two women

Few weeeks ago I caught him on fb with a second profile stating that he was in relationship with a 25 year old girl. 20 yrs younger to him.

When I approached him he made all kinds of excuses saying that it was like hes living in a virtual reality of some sort. And that hes not actually serious about these things.

Mind you, there is no intimacy betwn us as he never allows me to initiate.

He has lied to me. Betrayed me. And sat and emailed these ppl in my presence in our home me being blissfully unaware of it.

I told him to leave if he is in a relationship with someone. I found out that its an online thing as well. He admitted that he was not in love with her and he was trying to hook her. That same morning he went to look for a place and came back with his boss saying that he has no places at the moment as he refused to share with other guys from other nationalities.

He came back that same day saying that he doesnt want to lose me and that he loves me. And that he actually never wanted a divorce. I am the love of his life. And the best thing that has ever happend to him. He doesnt want to lose me but he also doesnt want to hurt me anymore.

We are in a country that offers no BPD treatment and he believes that if he tells his psych to up his meds, he will be okay. But I know thats not the answer.

We are stil under the same roof. And ive asked him to pay for lodging. Gave him the spare room. And toilet and thats all where he seems to roam.

I posted on the leaving board being certain that this is what we both wanted. Until he decided to come back. Is this all manipulation. I find myself hurt and confused. I went to church and according to them they say I have grounds for divorce. I am feeling 50/50 about leaving and staying and Im not sure what i should do from here.

Suddenly he wants to change. He wants to become the husband and man of the house. He has hurt me terribly in our 2 yr marriage. And he has broken down every bit of confidence I thought I had.

To me he sounds needy. But do i have the right to judge him on just that.

I cant imagine the stuff he send to these women. I only found one or two.

We dont talk.

Im very confused.

[Grey Kitty]

That sounds really tough on you.   

It sounds to me like you find these emotional affairs (assuming that is all that they are) completely unacceptable.

It sounds like you are asking what you can do about them, or how you can stop your H from having them.

Is that right?

[Wishful thinking]

GK

I do not tolerate it all.

Surely he cant be using BPD as an "coin out" simply cos he can. Cos thats what he does. And then reality hits. And then the cycle begins again.

Personally it feels like infidelity/adultery. I feel cheated on. Even tho its only in cyberspace

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds really tough.

I think what you can do in this situation is to be clear, to yourself, on where your boundary is and what the consequence will be for breaking it, and then follow through on it. You don't even have to say anything about it to your husband. It's your boundary, for you to decide. He doesn't get a say.

I can understand why you're confused. These relationships change around so much, up one day, down the next. Maybe looking at these links will help you towards seeing things more clearly and finding out what you want:

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships