Life feels like it is piling on me

[yeeter]

Just a vent:

Wife calls today completely melted down because D7 put wet napkins on a piece of furniture inherited from her grandmother.  :)amaged it of course (wife wants to punish child and doesnt understand why child is so destructive).  Lots of damaging comments towards D7.

Then boss boy goes off on why we havent done anything at work for last 3 weeks (I have been in hospital and away from work).  Threatens with closing up the Division.

Looks like I have some swollen lymph nodes - so back to doc for more testing tomorrow.  They dont know whats going on - although Im definitely better, Im still not right.

Im sure there are lots of other things (neighbor pushing me to finish a project adjacent to his property, soccer duty deadlines, etc, etc).

Most of these are outside my control so just roll with it.  It can be hard to truly keep this perspective though.  And I really dont know what the outcome should be for the D7.  She has written on furniture in the past and wife took away all her favorite clothes as punishment - I dont think it worked that well, and this time I dont believe she at all knew what she was doing, so just dont know.

Need to get things stabilized. (life doesnt seem to work that way though, there is always something)

Ok, Im done venting.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Yeeter

You probably don't know me, but I've read a lot of your posts on the boards. So I just wanted to send you a  . I sympathize with your problems, you certainly have a lot on your plate at the moment. Please take good care of yourself. Don't have any good ideas how to approach the mother-daughter issues, though, sorry.

[daylily]

I'm so sorry everything seems to be going wrong!     I feel like I'm always operating at a level that's just below intolerable (mostly because of uBPDh and also because of the pressures of a stressful job and mommy stuff), and whenever one little thing goes wrong, it puts me over the top.  When more than one thing goes wrong, it's just unmanageable (or so it feels like). 

My H has no concept of intent when it comes to fault.  Perhaps your W is the same way as well.  If someone does something that adversely affects H, they are at fault and there should be consequences, regardless of whether it was done on purpose or by accident.  If it was by accident, they are still at fault because they should have predicted that their behavior leading to the accidental consequences would adversely affect H.   

I too work, so I feel powerless when I'm not at home when these sorts of things happen.  Aside from divorce (which, as I recall from your posts, both of us have decided against for the same reason - our kids), all we can do is damage control and make sure our kids know that we love them.  But you know all that -- you're the one who has talked me down off the ledge a few times.  I know you're just venting!

  Daylily

[briefcase]

I'm glad you are out of the hospital at least.  Sounds like you have a more than full plate between home and work, I know how that feels. 

As far as the D7 incident, you may need to be a little assertive on her behalf.  Your wife's feelings about the damage furniture are skewing her perceptions of how responsible a 7 year old is for something like this.  Punishments for honest mistakes don't really teach the intended lesson.  Unfortunately, protecting D will probably trigger W. It's a tough situation, I've been there myself.  :'(   

[Grey Kitty]

I hear you saying that you are just venting... . but I will say that I see signs that you have picked your fights with your wife, and that you have generally chosen not to have one about disciplining your children.

I do see ugly that can get and how it could rapidly lead to your children playing you off against her. But I am wondering if there is a stand for you to take there? This sort of thing could badly impact your children too.

The really tough thing is not knowing what really is the right choice but having a nagging belief that your wife's version sure isn't it.

  GK

[yeeter]

- came back to post an update and couldnt find it - title has been change to reflect something more meaningful.  

So yesterday I sent some links to my wife about different parenting tactics in different situations.  And talked to her and tried to include the perspective of my D7 in the discussion (I say D7, but in reality she doesnt turn 7 until next month so she is really only 6!)

Anyway, wife was clearly upset and understandably so.  Some empathizing, and some boundaries where I just wasnt going to be able to soothe all her emotions right at that moment.  And my wife was able to get her furniture polished out to where 'no damage done'.

One of the things D6 has been doing, is writing on walls from time to time.  When pressed on why, she says 'she doesnt know, she just does and cant help it'.  I think she just gives into an impulse and isnt thinking.  So lately I have been asking her every day, as a reminder, if she has written on anything or has felt the urge.  And this has been working well and she is responding to it.  So while discussing where we might play with water in the house (together we came to the idea of using the bathtub for water based activities and she was good with this) - she then asked me to start asking her each day about 'stealing'.  She takes other peoples things - like from her brother or sister, and hides them or sometimes they have gotten broken and she knows its wrong and doesnt want to get in trouble, but again cant help herself.  So she asked me to remind her each day along with the writing on walls.  I try to make this a form a positive reinforcement that she didnt do these things each day - way to go.

And I explained this to my wife and she was ok with it all.

Then more medical testing this morning which cleared on my own health (in terms of nasty serious stuff), so this is good.  And even the boss is in a different mood today.

So net net lesson... . things are cyclical.  Sometimes it all piles on, just dont forget to keep your own boundaries and deal with a piece at at time, focusing on what you can control and not letting the uncontrollable stuff stress you out.  Then give it time to play out - the cycle will swing.

Thanks for all the support.  I just needed to vent a little... .

[Chosen]

My H has no concept of intent when it comes to fault.  Perhaps your W is the same way as well.  If someone does something that adversely affects H, they are at fault and there should be consequences, regardless of whether it was done on purpose or by accident.  If it was by accident, they are still at fault because they should have predicted that their behavior leading to the accidental consequences would adversely affect H.   

It is the same with my H.  When I do something he doesn't like/ is "wrong", then he will actually say "I don't care what you were thinking; the result is the same."  And yes, I also have to take into account accidents (like my phone suddenly turning off, or traffic jams... . )!

But when it's him, I have no right (he uses that word) to question his actions.  His intentions are everthing.  Even if he's doing something that "should" please me (but I'm not pleased because of its execution), I have no right to say it because he's doing it for me.  So I better be grateful about it.  And that's the end of the conversation.