Just wanting to share this

[griz]

I know this seems like no big deal but I guess for me it was.  DD was having a difficult time over the weekend with her emotions about her weight issue.  Not eating for long periods of time and then binging and then getting angry with herself.  On Saturday she had a full day planned with some friends and off she went.  They left at 8am and were scheduled to be at this all day concert until 9pm.  About 6pm she sent me a text saying that she felt weak, tired and sad.  I told her that I could imagine that she would feel weak and tired as she had not eaten at all and with the horrible heat I was concerned.  I asked her to stay in touch and as I had no plans, if she needed me to come pick her up I was fine with that.  About 7pm she texted asking if I could pick her up.  I went to get her and I could see that she was very upset and we talked a little on the ride home.  Once we got home she went to take a cool shower.  I was sitting in the family room when she came down and she had tears running down her face.  I asked her if there was anything I could do for her or anything she needed and she looked at me and said, "I just would really like a hug".  I got up and we hugged very tightly for what seemed like forever to me. 

I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but this was the first time in three years that DD has allowed me to hug her and the fact that she asked for it felt so good.  I know I probably won't get to do this again anytime soon but it felt amazing.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[six]

Griz. thank you for sharing this.  it sounds like you were really there for her in the way she needed you.  I am so happy to hear that things went well.  maybe she will remember in the future that you are someone she can look to for support without judgment. Well done!

[js friend]

Oh Griz,

I would consider that a very big deal if my dd asked me for a hug. I cant tell the last time she said anything like that.

It good to hear that your dd trusts you enough to share her feelings.

[Reality]

To our dear griz,

I am so happy for you.  I am so happy for your daughter.  You are shining, polished with your hard work and learning. 

Thank you for posting and letting us share all of your story in real time, untarnished. 

Reality

[griz]

Thank you for letting me share.  Tonight was very hard for DD.  We went to T after work and as usual she did not eat all day.  Tonight was my mom's 87th birthday.  My dad asked us to join them for dinner.  They do not understand DD's issues BPD or eating issues.  On the way home from therapy she expressed how hard going to dinner would be.  I gave her the option to come or I could just say she wasn't feeling well and drop her off at home.  She decided to come.  She didn't eat.  Ordered dinner and asked to have it wrapped up to take home.  She told my parents she had a stomach ache.  I said nothing.  She smiled through dinner and made the night very pleasant.  When we got in the car she broke down in tears.  Dinner was so hard for her.  She said everything looked amazing and she was so hungry but just couldn't let herself eat.  I thanked her for coming to dinner and validated how hard it must have been.  Tomorrow we will be seeing the nutritionist (for eating disorder) for our first visit. Dh was suppose to take her but somehow today he hurt his knee and now needs to go to the dr. himself in the morning.  He did the whole guilt thing... . well I can take her I guess I just won't be able to go to the doctors.  I lost my cool and said just forget it I will take her.  DD would probably rather have me there anyway.   Couldn't be worse timing.  My boss who has been away for over a week will be back tomorrow for the first day. I sent him a text letting him know I will be in by 6:30am and will leave at 815 for the appt and then come back to the office.  I know he will be okay with that... . as usual he is the only one I can count on.

Griz

[motherof1yearold]

Sounds like a lot of people are relying on you Griz , so I hope you take enough time out for yourself to keep healthy and happy.

Glad to hear all of the news, and hope the appt tomorrow goes well with the nutritionist. Since she is not eating during the day , is there any way you could convince her to take a simple multi vitamin during the day ?

I can't imagine your worry. Very small meals are better than no meal at all. Also try to encourage her to drink a bit of Gatorade during the day to keep her hydrated with electrolytes and potassium.

[Reality]

griz,

Thank you for the update.  

Does anyone remember reading anything about pwBPD and their eating ways?  Clearly, emotional dysregulation is part of it and maybe lack of core identity.  

You know, griz, your dd did well at the dinner.  Good for her to face difficult situations.

Reality

[jellibeans]

Griz

Another similarity between our dd... . I would love for my dd to come for a hug. that is very rare at my home.

I hope the nutritionist will be able to help your dd. this eating disorder seems to be causing a lot of stress for her. I really don't know what to advise about this... . is there anyone that can give you some advise on how to help your dd. I just can't imagine not being able to go out for dinner etc... .

Big hug to you... . keep us posted... . and good luck tomorrow... . I will be thinking of you and your dd  

[pessim-optimist]

Griz,

this is such wonderful news about the hug! 

It takes a pwBPD a lot of courage and self-awareness to be able to ask for a hug, and then to be able to actually receive that comfort! I can only imagine how heavenly it must have been for you... .  

I wonder what issue lies behind the eating for your dd... .   I am only speculating based on the "Rachel" book (did you have a chance to read that one?) For Rachel it was a bit of trauma from her childhood, but ultimately it was an issue of feeling in control, and her accepting herself and her femininity. Probably is something else for your dd, but I suspect it is not the weight by itself... . Is she perhaps worried that she would lose her new friends at the college if she were to gain weight?

Your dd has made such a progress, this is just another big hurdle to overcome on her way to freedom... .

[mggt]

Dear Griz.  So happy for your hug keep them coming mggt   

[griz]

Hi All:

Thanks for the support as always.  Yesterday we meet with Dr. and Nutritionist.  It was a very long appt, 3 hrs.  The first half hour I was in the room just helping with background infor and then DD was on her own.  The called me in at the end and reviewed.  They said that DD was very open and giving with information and her feelings and the end result was that they felt she had disordered eating.  They were very kind to her and nonjudgmental and explained to her that sometimes people deal with their emotions in different ways.  The Dr. explained that he felt that she had made tremendous progress in DBT with her prior issues but he felt that her disordered eating was tied to her emotions and explained to her, just as in DBT she needed support and skills to deal with ineffective behavior, that here she would slowly be doing the same thing.  She will go twice a week in the beginning and then hopefully once a week.  She needs to learn skills to identify her binge triggers and also to learn that food is not the enemy.  When we left she was a little dissapointed.  She thought they were going to give her a list of foods to eat, sort of like a meal plan but I explained to her that this is more about her learning what food represents to her and about her own self image.  She seemed good with it and the plan is that we start with a list of foods that she feels triggers her and for now we will not buy them.  She also has to make a list of foods she feels safe with and we decided we would shop together for them.  I can see this isn't going to be an easy road but I told her how proud I was at how far she has come and that I knew that the appt was very hard for her and I was proud that she not only went but she participated.

We went back to work after the appt and then came home.  Once we got home we were sitting and having a cup of tea that she made for us and out of no where she said, "Thank you mom".  I really wasn't sure why she said that and I thought she had forgotten that she made the tea so I said, "for what, I should say thank you, you made the tea" and she said, "No just thank you.  You are always there for me and I know that the past few years have been really hard.  I am sorry for when I snap at you because I am feeling angry or I am in a bad mood and not nice and it has nothing to do with you.  You really support me and try to understand and I know this is going to be hard for me and so if you wouldn't mind just being there for me for now, it would be great because I really need you and I really love you".  I just looked at her and said to her, "Thank you too.  The past few years have not been easy but you know me, always looking for the silver lining.  Over the past few years you have also taught me so much.  You have taught me empathy, sympathy, how to be validating, forgiving and you have made me a better person. I am a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter and a better spouse.  It hasn't been easy but some people say nothing worth having is ever easy".  I wanted to tell her that she has taught me the depths of my love a love that I may have not noticed without her.She wanted to finish her tea and asked me to stay in the kitchen with her while she finished because it is hard for her to be in the kitchen alone.  So we sat together, we finished our tea and last night I went to bed for the first time in a long time and slept through the night.

I don't believe this is the end all to DD's issues.  I think I have accepted that for her issues will most likely be a life long sentence but for but a brief time I felt good. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear griz, WOW sounds so wonderful just relish in that moment so so happy for you   

[jellibeans]

wow... . some pretty big steps your dd is taking... . keep it up... . keep us posted... . seems like she is in a real growth period. You must be so proud of her... .  

[pessim-optimist]

Oh Griz, I am so happy for you!   

You are right, your dd will probably deal with issues for the rest of her life, but I have hope that at some point it will become the more common variety of issues, outside of the BPD land.

Your dd is making BIG strides. And you have come so far in your ability to support her!

[Rapt Reader]

I'm so happy for you, griz     It is so validating of all our hard work and love and support to have our BPD child recognize and appreciate our efforts in their recovery; and then to realize that just that thing is what validates that they are recovering! She is cognizant of who she is and that is so much of the battle... . You are such a good mother, and she is becoming such a good daughter and woman... . We do live for and cherish these moments, don't we? Yaaaaaaaay 

   Rapt Reader