Anyone ever get arrested for domestic battery by their ex BPD?

[its_tough]

I suffered years of abuse by mine and then she made a complaint against me.  Now what?

[empower-me]

I had the same thing happen.  I called the police on him for abuse and he informed the cops I was the perpetrator and they believed him!

I had to file a restraining order the next day cuz I knew I'd be in jail before him if I didn't get busy.

They are very manipulative and unfortunately very convincing!

What are the circumstances if you don't mind me asking?

[Waddams]

My advice is to seek qualified legal representation as fast as possible.

What kind of complaint?  And were you actually arrested yet?

[Jep]

     This is a tough one for me, but I think it deserves an honest response. This is my most shameful moment.

     In my seventh year of a terrible r/s I had finally had enough of the abuse. It ran the gamut; emotional, economical, verbal, and at times physical. The pathological lying, and cheating. I asked her to leave. I gave her months to get on her feet, find a job, and find a place. Well, she started seeing other men while still under the same roof as me. One day, while at home with our three kids, (hers, mine, and ours), a man came to my house looking for her.  I snapped, I couldn't believe the betrayal, and I hit her. WRONG thing to do!

     My house was surrounded by sheriffs and troopers.  I was taken to jail. I spent two days there before posting 25k bail. There was a restraining order. I wasn't allowed around her, but far worse around my kids.

     Bizarrely she came to my defense a few days later. Tried to drop charges, but the state wouldn't. She talked to the district attorney, and judge, and even my attorney. She became my biggest advocate and loved me seemingly more than ever. She wanted me back!

     I agreed, I just wanted this mess over with and my family back. Thousands in legal fees, anger management, and then two years of couples counseling.  She found a new man, and left all of us, the kids and I like we were garbage. I am three weeks out of this r/s. it was all such a waste of time. Nine years down the drain. I will forever be judged for a momentary lapse of judgement on my part. I do and always have taken responsibility for my mistake. I just wish I could get the same in return, but that is not reality. She will never be accountable for her actions. So hard.

Thanks,

Jp

[motherof1yearold]

Jp6869, it is actually NOT bizarre for DV victims to come to their abusers aid . It happens so often , which is why they passed the law which doesn't allow that to happen anymore.

When in an abusive relationship (emotionally /physically etc) the victim has been conditioned. There are repercussions and 'punishment' if the victim does not jump to their abusers aid. Usually this is automatic in the victim's mindset, but sometimes the abuser has threatened them to recant.

[papawapa]

I was arrested for battery once. We had argued and she left to the bar. I had gone to bed. At midnight he came home. The bedroom door flew open, she leapt across the room like a cat, landed on me and started punching me in the head. I pinned her down, she started crying, said she was sorry so I let her up. She immediately started swinging. This happened at least five times. The last time I had her pinned I told her, "I am letting you up and if you hit me again I am going to hit you back." She was crying again, promised she was done. I let her up and she started swinging. So I pinned her down and punched her in the face. It was the worst thing I have ever done. I went and locked myself in the bathroom. She smashed through the door, broke it completely in half. I called the cops because she was still coming after me. The cops showed up and arrested me. I managed to get the charges dismissed because I had a public defender that believed me.

She went to the hospital and had a CAT scan. They found an aneurysm in her brain. She had to have it fixed with an operation two years later because it was growing. It was a very bittersweet event. Me punching her probably saved her life. Had it not been found I would have lost her to a sudden death. I think that would have been easier to deal with than the way our relationship has ended.

[Jep]

motherofa1yearold,

     I understand.  Like I said, I have never been more ashamed.  I went to get an evaluation at a treatment center.  The therapist looked at me and said, "yes you were in an abusive relationship, but you were not the abuser".  I was shocked, I felt like I was a monster, and this was the first time someone had said such a thing to me.  Being a man, I never considered the fact I was being abused. 

     All I can say is it was a sick relationship.  I took responsibility for what I did.  From that point on every problem we had was blamed on my anger.  She would tell everyone we were in therapy to work on my anger.  I never did anything like that again.  We were in therapy to work on us, but like I said there was zero accountability on her part to the very end.

[motherof1yearold]

Jp,

Her taking no accountability is not surprising in the least. However, I must point out that you were being abusive during that specific event, at the least. If it weren't for the fact you took accountability, I would assume you were both abusive to each other in some form or another for the entire relationship.

With that said, in the beginning of my relationship, when it got really abusive, I use to actually fight back with my husband. I quickly learned to just take the beatings and not fight back. Yet for some reason, he ALWAYS used the fact that I 'hit him back' and even tried to twist the story.

I must mention to you, that counseling is NOT recommended for BPD couples or those in an abusive relationship. To be frank, the BPD/abusive partner will manipulate the psychiatrist into validating them in thinking you are 'all bad'. Everything becomes focused on you ,all blame on you. No accountability for the abusive partner.

[ForeverDad]

Yet for some reason, he ALWAYS used the fact that I 'hit him back' and even tried to twist the story.

This is the 'selective memory' typical with abusers and controllers.  They choose to remember the slightest thing that will guilt you or use as leverage against you - actions they virtually forced you into taking - but will remain totally silent on anything they themselves did as though it never happened.  Some experts will say they're so disordered that they're not consciously 'choosing' to remember only your faults and not theirs, but at some level they do or else how else could they so expertly discriminate between their actions and yours?  Oh, how could I forget, they're mentally ill.   Still, even if we can't figure out what is really going on inside their heads, we can still deal with the situation based upon their behaviors, actions and reactions.  What doesn't work is letting them avoid their consequences and trample our boundaries with near impunity.

I called the police once and we separated within a week.   When the officers arrived they spoke to us separately.  Then one of the officers asked me to hand my then 3yo, quietly sobbing in my arms, over to his mother.  The poor tyke started shrieking and clung ever tighter to me.  Imagine a child terrified to go to his mother!  The officer pondered for a long silent moment, finally said "work it out" and they just left.  I believe my preschooler saved me that day from a free but legally expensive ride to the county lockup.  However, she was the one told to call the local DV shelter for help, I didn't get any advice that day.

[Matt]

It's fairly common among our members.

I'll summarize my experience and then tell you what I learned which I hope might be helpful.

* Married 10 years, kids 8 and 10 and the time, plus older stepkids.

* Wife came home - I was sitting on the bed torturing my guitar, surrounded by sheet music.  She went into a rage, tore up the sheet music, and swung the guitar at my head.

* I removed her from the room and tried to lock the door but she jerked the handle up and down so I couldn't do that.

* She was yelling most of the time.  I finally decided the only way to put a locked door between us was to remove her from the house, so I forced her down the stairs and out the front door, and locked it;  then locked the back door too.

* Then I fixed dinner for the kids and started their baths.

* She went to the neighbors' house, called 911, and said I "threw her down the stairs".

* The police came - each of them interviewed one of us, and then they swapped and talked to the other.  They also talked with the kids, with neither of us present.

* The kids' account agreed with mine.  The officers noted the torn sheet music and other physical evidence which agreed with my account.  And the layout of the house agreed with my account but not my wife's.  She also told different stories to the two officers.  They put all this information in their report which was issued a few weeks later.

* In my state - and about 20 others - the law requires officers in a situation like that - when a man has been accused of domestic violence - he must be arrested and charged, no matter what the evidence shows.  The officers were very professional but explained that they had to do their job and the judge would sort it out.

* I spent 16 hours in jail and saw the judge the next morning - charged with ":)omestic violence assault", "Creating a public disturbance", and ":)estruction of private property" - the last because I had moved the TV off its table to keep my wife from knocking it over in her rage, and as I did that - not very carefully - I broke the power cable.

* My wife was charged with "Creating a public disturbance" and ":)estruction of private property" (for tearing up my sheet music).

* I talked to a criminal defense attorney (not a family law attorney).  He charged $5,000 and got all the charges dropped (my wife's too).  But he said that I should have no further contact with her, without a non-family adult third party present.

What did I learn from this?

* The best way to defend yourself from legal problems is not to be around someone who might make false accusations.

* Make sure to talk to a criminal defense attorney (not a family law attorney).

* Do not say or do anything that could be interpreted as an admission of something you didn't do.  In fact, I shouldn't have talked to the police at all - you can't talk them out of arresting you - once they come to your house, they are almost certainly going to arrest the man, no matter what you say, so talking to them can only make things worse.

* Above all, do not take a plea agreement for anything you didn't do.  Most of these situations are settled with plea agreements - both the prosecutor and the defense attorney will push you in that direction - but once you sign it, you can never un-do it, and it will hurt you in all future legal cases, like your divorce/custody case.  They will tell you, "You just have to take some classes, and then it will come off your record."  Not true - it will always be on your record and visible to judges, prosecutors and the police.

JP makes a really, really important point here:  Once charges are filed - if there is a basis for them or not - the charges are filed by the state, not the "victim", and they cannot be dropped by the "victim".  On TV, the victim of a crime gets to decide if she wants to "drop the charges", but in real life, that's not how it works - only that prosecutor can do that, and in a DV case - even if it's 100% bogus - they will almost never drop the charges.  (In my case, my attorney was extremely experienced, and showed the prosecutor that if it went to trial my wife would be convicted and I wouldn't;  he convinced the prosecutor that the best thing she could do for the "victim" would be to drop the charges against both of us.)

So... . It's_tough... . do you want to share more about what happened, and talk about what choices you might have now... . ?

[VeryFree]

Take note of Matts post above. Very usefull!

For more information look: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

In that topic also is my story:

In my case I think my stbxw has prepared things. Didn't prepare them to well luckily, but she had given thought to it.

Why do I think that? I recently spoke to a mutual friend and was told a few days before the incident she was telling about me being guilty of DV a few years ago (of course I wasn't, but back then she falsely claimed I had molested her. Never went to the police though). Quite a coincidence... .      

This is what happened:

We we're arguing about something and I started recording and said that to her, so we could listen to it later when she calmed down. The arguing went on for about five minutes after that, but then she turned towards my camera. She wanted to have it. I kept it, after which she attacked me. I defended by stretching one arm and keeping her at distance. She kept coming back for about 20 times. Every time I asked her to leave me alone.

At last I could get away, but on the stairs she pushed me. I fell, but got away after this and could lock myself from her. I called the police, so did she.

They came with two and spoke to us seperately. I showed the recordings, told about her problems and our problems and they were very reasonable. My stbxw didn't file a complaint and neither did I. I could not show any wounding and neither could my stbx.

I was adviced to leave my house, because she claimed she couldn't because of her illness (!). If I wouldn't she would file and they would have to take me. Completely flabbergasted I did.

Two months later I was invited by the police for being heard as a suspect of DV. She had filed a complaint after two months claiming I had beaten her up.

As evidence she handed a statement from the hospital claiming the day after she had bruises all over her: body, arms, legs. I never did anything that could have caused damage, I never saw the bruises, neither did the police, but within a day they were there.  

During our decade together I never have noticed her hurting herself physically, but probably if the need is high, she's capable of it.

Of course after I learned about this I never have met her alone, allthough she asked different times  

[motherof1yearold]

Yet for some reason, he ALWAYS used the fact that I 'hit him back' and even tried to twist the story.

This is the 'selective memory' typical with abusers and controllers.  They choose to remember the slightest thing that will guilt you or use as leverage against you - actions they virtually forced you into taking - but will remain totally silent on anything they themselves did as though it never happened.  Some experts will say they're so disordered that they're not consciously 'choosing' to remember only your faults and not theirs, but at some level they do or else how else could they so expertly discriminate between their actions and yours?  Oh, how could I forget, they're mentally ill.   Still, even if we can't figure out what is really going on inside their heads, we can still deal with the situation based upon their behaviors, actions and reactions.  What doesn't work is letting them avoid their consequences and trample our boundaries with near impunity.

I called the police once and we separated within a week.   When the officers arrived they spoke to us separately.  Then one of the officers asked me to hand my then 3yo, quietly sobbing in my arms, over to his mother.  The poor tyke started shrieking and clung ever tighter to me.  Imagine a child terrified to go to his mother!  The officer pondered for a long silent moment, finally said "work it out" and they just left.  I believe my preschooler saved me that day from a free but legally expensive ride to the county lockup.  However, she was the one told to call the local DV shelter for help, I didn't get any advice that day.

Youch! That is gender bias going on there. Where I live there is only 1 DV shelter that has counseling and group therapies, and men are not allowed. Not even if the man was abused. There are cameras and every door has a heavy duty lock that must be opened from someone on the inside to allow you to enter.  It makes me angry for 2 main reasons (out of many)

1. I know of several people who are in abusive relationships with the female being the physical batterer and aggressor.

2. The gender bias makes it exponentially easier for women to file false DV reports, which at the same time takes away credibility from true DV victims.

[david]

My ex actually kicked our youngest son out of her place several years ago. She called telling me if I didn't pick him up she would have the police take him away. He was 12 at the time. I went to pick him up. He was slumped over crying his eyes out. He had a school bag on one side of him and another bag on the other side. I stopped my car and immediately hugged him. He was too upset to do anything else. Ex came out of her place , cursed me out, blamed it all on me. I had gotten son into the car. Ex apparently slipped behind me and fell. I hadn't touched her at all. I was arrested for assault since she had a bruise on her elbow from the fall. I was charged with assault as a misdemeanor. I was convicted of disorderly conduct even though ex lied on the stand and it was shown during her testimony. I now carry a video and audio recorder with me at all times. If she comes near me I turn it on and let her see what I am doing. She hasn't come near me in over a year now. Be very careful.

[Matt]

My ex actually kicked our youngest son out of her place several years ago. She called telling me if I didn't pick him up she would have the police take him away. He was 12 at the time. I went to pick him up. He was slumped over crying his eyes out. He had a school bag on one side of him and another bag on the other side. I stopped my car and immediately hugged him. He was too upset to do anything else. Ex came out of her place , cursed me out, blamed it all on me. I had gotten son into the car. Ex apparently slipped behind me and fell. I hadn't touched her at all. I was arrested for assault since she had a bruise on her elbow from the fall. I was charged with assault as a misdemeanor. I was convicted of disorderly conduct even though ex lied on the stand and it was shown during her testimony. I now carry a video and audio recorder with me at all times. If she comes near me I turn it on and let her see what I am doing. She hasn't come near me in over a year now. Be very careful.

This is a good example, because it shows that there is a lot of risk, just being in the same place as one of these people without a non-family adult third party present.  That's the only thing (or maybe video) that would have prevented what David experienced.

My wife made more than 40 false statements under oath, many of them easily proved.  She experienced no consequences for doing that.  The system does not focus on figuring out who is telling the truth and bringing consequences to someone who isn't.