Finding my closure

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been thinking about something that happened yesterday and couldn't really frame it until reading another post on here about how to get closure.

Yesterday in my PT session I finally came out and asked my therapist what our couple's therapist thought about my soon to be ex wife's mental health situation. He has for months assured me that she was aware of what I was dealing with, I had always left it at that. I had never asked what they discussed the couple of times that they talked. So yesterday I asked. I don't recall what prompted me asking. He said that they had a couple lengthy conversations and that they were on the same page about the fact that the wife was displaying very likely BPD. He assured me that the couple's therapist really did recognize the clusters of symptoms and how they are all pointing to BPD, whether there is a diagnosis or not. He went on to say that "trust me, the professionals involved with this are all well aware of what you are dealing with (with a spouse with a PD) whether they can verbalize that or not" which is basically what I had been wanting to hear, or part of me, for a long time. I wanted to hear him say that yes the couple's therapist (insert name) knows that your wife has BPD. For some reason I just thought that would bring the most validation because she knew us best, saw us together for 2.5 years and would be the best judge.

Yet while I had wanted to hear that for months now, the elation was only as long as it took me to write this sentence. I almost immediately felt overwhelming grief instead.

I spent the evening with those feelings, and the realization that I came to and I know this is a process, was that by having that validation it really makes real and solidifies just how toxic and just how seriously broken the situation was. It puts into perspective so many comments the therapist made that at the time I heard them and took them in but now mean so much more, and mean something different. In the months leading up to the final session which coincided with the sudden divorce announcement the therapist had been working really hard with me, in couple's therapy though, to become strong and confident. To become able to stand up for myself, to assert my needs and really feel empowered. She used that word a lot those last couple months, that she really wanted me to feel empowered. Now I look back and I think she must have seen it coming or she at least had a much better idea what I was dealing with and if she didn't see it coming then knew it was at some point going to come and she was doing her best to prepare me for that.

All that to say, last night it felt like a piano fell on me in terms of grief. At the very same time though it felt as if that same weight was lifted off of me because there was no more questioning, no more wishful dreaming, all those things that I would occasionally go back to were just gone. The reality of the situation, all that I have read came flooding back to me and I knew in that moment that there was never going to be a romantic relationship with my daughters mother again and I felt a deep acceptance about it unlike before. It was as if, on my daughters 3rd birthday and days before what would have been our 5th anniversary, I actually began to have closure and feel like I was okay then, I would be okay today and tomorrow and that life was going to go on AND be even better than just okay. That is the first time in 10 months I can say I have felt that way. And it hurts like hell.

[thisyoungdad]

I have been thinking about something that happened yesterday and couldn't really frame it until reading another post on here about how to get closure.

Yesterday in my PT session I finally came out and asked my therapist what our couple's therapist thought about my soon to be ex wife's mental health situation. He has for months assured me that she was aware of what I was dealing with, I had always left it at that. I had never asked what they discussed the couple of times that they talked. So yesterday I asked. I don't recall what prompted me asking. He said that they had a couple lengthy conversations and that they were on the same page about the fact that the wife was displaying very likely BPD. He assured me that the couple's therapist really did recognize the clusters of symptoms and how they are all pointing to BPD, whether there is a diagnosis or not. He went on to say that "trust me, the professionals involved with this are all well aware of what you are dealing with (with a spouse with a PD) whether they can verbalize that or not" which is basically what I had been wanting to hear, or part of me, for a long time. I wanted to hear him say that yes the couple's therapist (insert name) knows that your wife has BPD. For some reason I just thought that would bring the most validation because she knew us best, saw us together for 2.5 years and would be the best judge.

Yet while I had wanted to hear that for months now, the elation was only as long as it took me to write this sentence. I almost immediately felt overwhelming grief instead.

I spent the evening with those feelings, and the realization that I came to and I know this is a process, was that by having that validation it really makes real and solidifies just how toxic and just how seriously broken the situation was. It puts into perspective so many comments the therapist made that at the time I heard them and took them in but now mean so much more, and mean something different. In the months leading up to the final session which coincided with the sudden divorce announcement the therapist had been working really hard with me, in couple's therapy though, to become strong and confident. To become able to stand up for myself, to assert my needs and really feel empowered. She used that word a lot those last couple months, that she really wanted me to feel empowered. Now I look back and I think she must have seen it coming or she at least had a much better idea what I was dealing with and if she didn't see it coming then knew it was at some point going to come and she was doing her best to prepare me for that.

All that to say, last night it felt like a piano fell on me in terms of grief. At the very same time though it felt as if that same weight was lifted off of me because there was no more questioning, no more wishful dreaming, all those things that I would occasionally go back to were just gone. The reality of the situation, all that I have read came flooding back to me and I knew in that moment that there was never going to be a romantic relationship with my daughters mother again and I felt a deep acceptance about it unlike before. It was as if, on my daughters 3rd birthday and days before what would have been our 5th anniversary, I actually began to have closure and feel like I was okay then, I would be okay today and tomorrow and that life was going to go on AND be even better than just okay. That is the first time in 10 months I can say I have felt that way. And it hurts like hell.

[Clearmind]

TYD, what you are describing are the natural and normal stages of a person grieving a relationship loss. Our therapists tend to divulge information when we are ready to here it and not sooner – you asked and she answered. I commend her on her honesty and validation she provided you.

Along with ‘knowing’ this information also comes a burden. Sometimes knowledge can be a burden because we don’t have a means of doing anything with it – so we think. Right now its tough to hear however you may agree it’s a necessary part of you processing this relationship.

In the months leading up to the final session which coincided with the sudden divorce announcement the therapist had been working really hard with me, in couple's therapy though, to become strong and confident. To become able to stand up for myself, to assert my needs and really feel empowered. She used that word a lot those last couple months, that she really wanted me to feel empowered. Now I look back and I think she must have seen it coming or she at least had a much better idea what I was dealing with and if she didn't see it coming then knew it was at some point going to come and she was doing her best to prepare me for that.

That’s possible however on the Staying Board we teach the same principles – how to detach from our loved ones accusations and projections with love. We can only do that if we have confidence and self worth.

Your therapist was likely teaching you some valuable tools for self preservation.  However in saying that these tools don’t always mean the relationship will work.

All that to say, last night it felt like a piano fell on me in terms of grief. At the very same time though it felt as if that same weight was lifted off of me because there was no more questioning, no more wishful dreaming, all those things that I would occasionally go back to were just gone. The reality of the situation, all that I have read came flooding back to me and I knew in that moment that there was never going to be a romantic relationship with my daughters mother again and I felt a deep acceptance about it unlike before. It was as if, on my daughters 3rd birthday and days before what would have been our 5th anniversary, I actually began to have closure and feel like I was okay then, I would be okay today and tomorrow and that life was going to go on AND be even better than just okay. That is the first time in 10 months I can say I have felt that way. And it hurts like hell.

With distance (physical and mental) we do become clearer in what we endured. In the midst of it is a lot of enmeshment – you of her and she of you – this is the nature of the relationship dynamic – and the natural progression of this is we loose ourselves. We no longer see where we start and they (our partner) ends. We have spent a long time placating and walking on eggshells – you will grieve now that you have the space to.

Chances are you have been grieving for a long time – it’s only now you have space to really feel it. It feels yuck and vulnerable – feel it all TYD. And yes it hurts.

I do hope you are spreading your wings and finding new hobbies, socializing as much as is comfortable with family and friends. Radical acceptance of the true nature of the situation takes time.

Along with this you need to co-parent and also work through your own reasons for this relationship.