How can they just abruptly leave like that?

[Emelie Emelie]

This is what is just killing me right now.  We have this very close, connected, committed relationship.  He tells me he's BPD.  I do my homework.  I'm committed to dealing with the behaviors.    He loves me.  He's still afraid I'll walk away someday.  I reassure him constantly And BOOM!  He orchestrates a "it's your fault" breakup and he is just gone.  Will not communicate in any adult manner.  No "recycling".  And I'm a freaking mess.  Obsessing 24/7.  I just can't figure this out.

[NiceGuy83]

First, I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

It is not your fault.

I am increasingly of the view, which many might disagree with, that there are two types of people who have BPD... . high-functioning and low-functioning.  Low-functioning threaten self-harm, and seem to never leave.  High-functioning seem more stable, outwardly, but always seem to leave.

What I am sure of is that the connection you had was really one-sided.  BPD suffers say many wonderful, touching things, but only because they believe it's what you want to hear.  Their chief motivation is to not be abandoned.  Their curse is that their lack of self-worth is so bad, that secretly they believe they will be, or come to believe they will be.  I, for one, believe that a BPD partner abandoning the relationship does so because of a fear that otherwise you will do so.  The problem is that this fear becomes all-consuming to them, until their only mental defence is to 'paint you black'.  It's your fault they had to leave, they will argue, and they will convince themselves of this before even raising it with you.

Nothing you say or do can change their mind (or so I believe, again others may disagree) once they 'split black' for good.  But tell me this, Emelie: was your partner really so wonderful?  Tell me more about how you're feeling right now.

[GreenMango]

The disorder is marked by attachment issues and poor coping skills.  These issues take many years in the right kind of therapy to become manageable.

These attachment issues weren't caused by you.  They were there way before you came into his life.  Unfortunately they will surface anytime intimacy or rejection (perceived or real) happen.

It's the primary reason why people with BPD have unstable relationships.

[crystalclear]

  Emelie Emelie,

I am sorry for the pain and troubles your are going through.

I have read your post, and can relate to it quite a lot. Trust me, I know why you ask this question. How and what you're thinking and feeling, as my exbf had called it quits and went on immediate NC. While, he said we should discuss about 'resolving' issues and so we could be together for life as we planned before.

We are looking for a lot of answers and one particularly is how could the person who claimed to 'love' us and wanted to be with us leave us? It's a killer, i know.

I am sure you have replayed every moment of the break up and the entire r/s in your mind to know where 'you' went wrong. What made him change his mind and leave you - suddenly?

I will only tell you something which i believe you already know but you failed to see it (i did);

- The relationship was unhealthy; you must have experienced and witnessed toxic behavior (abuse, his anger, mood swings, frustration, and may be even silent treatment, blame and rage)  

- This took toll on him and you; you must have said and done things out of character. These are just the 'fleas' we contract being in the environment

- Wishful thinking; Even we nons expect magics to work. So as to please the pwBPD you bought their deals and thought perhaps compromising or reforming yourself will bring back the r/s and him to what you wanted (old times and the person you fell in love with)

- Detachment is a process not a decision; we were blind enough to notice that pwBPD began to detach from us while we alone were busy 'working' on the issues by changing ourselves and pleasing him. They kept us in the dark while they already were planning an exit strategy and rehearsing the 'break up' in their minds. Hence the cold-silent treatment, occassional anger outbursts, mixed signals, pull-push etc. They took their time and space to come to a point where they could discard us.

- No care, No remorse; One of the hallmark traits of BPD is lack of empathy and no conscience. He/she does not care how others feel when they do not feel anything for them.

Do not be beat yourself by thinking you made him leave you. The coulda, shoulda, and woulda will not change the outcome.

You still might have feelings for him, understand this was not a normal r/s, it usually is more intense than other r/s we have prior to this.

Focus on the healing, and remember we all played our part in the dysfunctional dance and ignored the  

Hope this helps you

CC

[delusionalxox]

  Emilie

You're not alone in this.

I am interested by what niceguy says about the high functioners being the ones to leave and not bounce back.

Ex and I had had astonishingly rocky relationship for 3 years, long distance mostly with loads of breakups, at first initiated mostly by me as I couldn't stand his childish behaviour and demands. He kept bouncing back but would rarely take responsibility for anything although there were signs he knew he  needed to change (other things in his life weren't going great either).

We were 'friends' for the last 6 months but I kept doing the dysfunctional dance, paying for him to come see me, paying for 'holidays' (actually trips to see him in Europe), trying to stay in touch. He wanted a lot of sexual communication from me, but by the end was 'disappearing' a lot and saying things like 'I have feelings for you and want to spend time with you but I don't want a relationship or any of the commitments that implies' etc.

I should have seen the writing writ large on the wall  but was blinkered by a beautiful email he sent me saying that his life would suffer from not having me in it, he wanted to find some way for us to be together or at very least good friends forever etc etc.

I was very down about all this and lots of other stressful thiings in my life. When I told him I was suicidal he basically cut me off raging that I was burdening him when he had enough problems and was 'a psycho'.

It's always difficult to deal with someone else's depression and I get that but he didn't deal AT ALL. Just called NC 'to avoid useless pain for us both' which he stuck to even when I told him I was pregnant with his child!

No card, no 'hope you are OK'. No acknowledgement at all of the pregnancy. Just a text on the day I had an abortion saying I had deeply damaged him and his nights and days were full of the terrible things I had said and done to him (which still kind of makes me laugh, such melodrama).

I had sent a lot of angry texts and emails when he cut me off. I felt like someone had amputated my arms and legs. Forever friendship followed by extreme coldness and aggression like that? I could not understand.

But in fact, what crystalclear has desccribed in some detail below had been happening for months. He had been orchestrating a way out, but couldn't entirely 'let go' while I still promised some sort of 'supply' (sexual mostly). I had cut sexual contact and he could not see the point in me any more. The pretty words were either nothing or some guilt or attachment he felt for 5 minutes. I wasn't a friend to him, just a thing he might need some time.

It's been so hard to take and  nearly killed me to be honest. I'm only 15 days out of NC (on my side... . I was even begging HIM for forgiveness at one point and was ignored), still bleeding  , been indulging in dodgy behaviour and getting too drunk, unable to work, barely able to get out of bed some days. He poured acid in my core wounds!

What I'm finding interesting is what I'm having to face about my mistaken beliefs in 'soulmates' etc. Suffering and taking abuse forever isn't a good thing. Good sex is not a sign of a soulmate bond. Why did I think it was?

I am  nowhere near there yet but this board is very helpful. Try the schema inventory which is linked to in the workshops and you can see your own issues which need working on and which kept your attachment to a BPD going.

xxx I wish you relief of your pain soon although sadly the pain has to be got through... . don't I know it... .  

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all so much for your support and advice.  I have seen him since I last posted. We were just going to talk... . I was hoping for some closure.  Ended up being a total train wreck.  First of all we ended up in bed which was not a good idea.  He, I'm sure, just wanted to "get laid" but it was a very emotional experience for me.  We were talking afterwards and I told him i had a date with someone else but had a very hard time.  It was too soon for me etc... . and BOOM.  He went nuclear.  Screamed and yelled and stomped out.  Started texting me about how could I possibly do that after just a few weeks.  On and on an on.  I said seriously?  You need to let me know the rules here.  You dumped me so how long am I supposed to sit home sobbing?  What works for you?  Three months?  A year?  You let me know.  It was awful.  Well the next day i got a very long message from him.  He apologized.  He said he was hurt that I had gone out so soon but more so that I thought he wouldn't care.  That he did love me very much and was hurting and lonely too.  That he just didn't want to be an abusive boyfriend (then get help and don't be) and needed to protect his heart from me walking out on him again.  Anyway it was all really very helpful in the end.  I got a little closure.  He wanted to get together and exchange some "stuff" if we could do so without "drama" (meaning me being emotional) and I said I don't think I can do that right now.  Don't need my stuff... . donate... . I'll mail yours.    He said he hoped the time would come when we could be friends.  And we were texting a bit back and forth the last couple of days about stuff going on with me at work etc.  All good.  I'm trying to taper it off... . short polite answers.  Then last night I blow it and said I was glad we had that last night together.  It was a nice last time goodbye type of thing.  And he said don't take this the wrong way but I'd like a last night with you without you crying through sex.  Best thing he could have said to me.  i'm like what a selfish jerk.  Told him that wasn't happening.  He said well I hope I can see you sometime without any more "drama".  (That kills me too.  I've had a hard time with the breakup but he was constantly creating drama.)

Anyway I'm trying to let go.  I don't want to.  I love him very much.  I miss him desperately.  All I do is cry.  But I know I have to.  But OMG it hurts. 

Someone on this board asked me about him... . what was he like.  What the relationship was like.  Well there were two of him.  One of them was the greatest guy in the world.  Made me feel loved and protected and cared for like no one ever has.  Ever.  And he was the one who was around most of the time.  And then there was the other one.  Critical.  Jealous.  Raging.  Depressed.  Irritable.  Angry.  And lately, just plain mean.  Very, very, very mean.  The one who just started pushing me away in the last few weeks then orchestrated a breakup by behaving in the most hurtful manner ever so I would walk out.  Then I "left" him.  Which created the worst possible insecurity for him (his words).  Triggered all his abandonment issues.  Left him with the worst possible pain because he didn't know if I left for the night or forever.  He could not handle that happening again so he was "done".  I believe there was an element of leaving me before I left him but I also believe he did orchestrate it.  That this is how he ends relationships.  He had to make it my fault. 

I just need to stop reaching out to him in weak moments.  I just don't know how to stop the pain.

[emotionaholic]

Emelie

I am so impressed at what you are saying.  I am in the exact some boat as you.  It hurts so much.  You are saying all the things I know to be true but don't want to look at.  I applaud your clarity and insight.  You may feel weak right now but I see an inner strength coming out.

[Bananas]

I just need to stop reaching out to him in weak moments.  I just don't know how to stop the pain.

Emilie,

I, as well as so many others here have such a similar script in our relationships.  I spent a lot of time reaching out to my ex in weak moments and still often feel tempted to do so.  Something I read on this board has helped me a lot. I don't remember who wrote it and I may not be quoting it correctly but it something like that we are "seeking relief from our pain by the person who caused it."   I don't believe our exes are capable of relieving the pain for us.  So I remind myself of this each time I am tempted to reach out.  And I also remind myself that for me, each time I have reached out, it always ends the same.  I have the expectation that "this time will be different".  I want so bad for it to be different.  But each and every time it never ends well and I am left in more pain.  It's a hard lesson to learn. 


   

[shaggysoul]

I used to never understand why people cry during sex. Then I had my last relationship with a pwBPD and I cried during sex all the time. I was aching from the pain that I was momentarily getting love I missed so much from my SO. And I knew it would be over. And that he would turn his back to me in bed. And be gone.

I miss him so much.

[Emelie Emelie]

Now I'm crying with you.  I miss mine so much too.  I miss him so much I can't stand it some times.  I get trying to stop the pain with someone who is causing the pain.  On an intellectual level.  This thing just left me... . broken.  Split wide open.  I was embarrassed at first because I gave him all my power.  I didn't beg him to get back together.  But I told him I loved him more than anything in the world and I was such a mess etc. etc.  Lost any "pride" I had in this deal.  But I don't even care anymore.  He left a huge mess.  Too bad if he has to look at it.  I doubt he can really empathize.  He acts "nice" because he wants to see himself as a "good guy".  I was out with him one night and this guy came up to me, didn't know him, and said just warning you.  Your boyfriend is a real ass.  Ask him about how his girlfriend was dying in the hospital and he didn't even show up.  I know the woman in his longest term relationship had cancer.  She survived. And they were together for two years after that.  So anyway I eventually told him about this guy.  And he told me about a prior girlfriend who had attempted suicide after the break up.  And that he was at the hospital every day.  (They are still friends... . I know that for a fact... . go figure)  He said she was on antidepressants that "caused thoughts of suicide".  At the time I felt badly for him.  What an awful thing for him to go through.  Poor baby.  Now I see it differently.  Obviously this woman had her own problems.  Which is probably why she stayed so long.  But I know how freaking shattered he left me.  And while he's not responsible for my or anyone else's mental health... . get why he blamed the antidepressants.  He just can't take any responsibility for what he does to people.  He KNOWS he's abusive.  (Not physically.)  He told me recently it's just getting worse.  He just can't seem to control it.  And it really does scare him.  But he doesn't take responsibility for his actions.  And he doesn't seek help.  And he's going to do it all over again with and to someone else.  (He's very handsome.  No problem meeting women for this one.)  I read the book on BPD that he gave me.  One time when he was being a jerk I brought up something I had read... . how this affects people in relationships with BPDs and he was furious.  He's like, oh yeah, so this is all about you.  So I was just supposed to understand and excuse everything because he has these problems because of his rough (and it was) childhood.  But I needed to do the work.  Be the understanding one.  Never ever walk out regardless of how abusive he was being.  Funny... . all I do is cry and miss him but I'm also starting to get angry sometimes.  That's got to be some sort of progress!  I'm so sorry ShaggySoul.  I wish there was something I could do to ease both of our pain.

[seeking balance]

 

I know it is hard to understand the "whys" in this disorder... . applying logic is kinda like using basketball rules to a baseball game - it just makes things more confusing sometimes.

First - it is ok to be sad, this is totally sad.   

For me, I had to really separate the facts of the disorder as they aligned with what I thought I was getting out of the relationship.  When I read article 9  - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm - it was such an eye opening moment.  I was applying a set of rules (values) to the wrong game really.

Specific to your question of how can they leave?  This false belief might shed some light for you:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of   shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

Give yourself the necessary time to process all of it - you are not alone and you are going to get through this.

Peace,

SB

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you SB.  Sometimes I just don't think I will get through it.  But it helps to know there are others... . and that I'm not alone.  I just want to stop crying.  I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO STOP.  At this moment in time I freaking hate him.  I just hate him for doing this to me.  I have had so much "empathy" for his "disorder".  I invested so much in reading and learning and  understanding.  I thought he was so worth it.  I did everything in my power to assure him I loved him and wouldn't leave him.  Wouldn't abandon him.  And then he abandons me.  I'm so angry with him and with myself for being such an idiot.  I've ended a marriage and other relationships prior to this and yes, they were hard, but nothing like this.  And I know he's having a tough time too but for the most part he's doing just great.  And intellectually I also know that the stress of relationships brings out this issues so of course he's doing better but emotionally that's a harder pill to swallow.  I just get so panicky.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm trying to just breathe and clean my house (which is like a tornado went off in it because I've been so depressed) and I just can't seem to do anything.  I am so sad and scared and angry.

[seeking balance]

Thank you SB.  Sometimes I just don't think I will get through it.  But it helps to know there are others... . and that I'm not alone.  I just want to stop crying.  I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO STOP.  At this moment in time I freaking hate him.  I just hate him for doing this to me.  I have had so much "empathy" for his "disorder".  I invested so much in reading and learning and  understanding.  I thought he was so worth it.  I did everything in my power to assure him I loved him and wouldn't leave him.  Wouldn't abandon him.  And then he abandons me.  I'm so angry with him and with myself for being such an idiot.  I've ended a marriage and other relationships prior to this and yes, they were hard, but nothing like this.  And I know he's having a tough time too but for the most part he's doing just great.  And intellectually I also know that the stress of relationships brings out this issues so of course he's doing better but emotionally that's a harder pill to swallow.  I just get so panicky.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm trying to just breathe and clean my house (which is like a tornado went off in it because I've been so depressed) and I just can't seem to do anything.  I am so sad and scared and angry.

Hon, just be angry and cry... . heck, roll around in that anger and feel it... . this is truly the way through it.  I promise, there will be a point you will be done with this round of crying.

I walked, did hot yoga, walked, posted here, walked, cleaned, painted my house rooms, all the while - cried when I needed to.  I recall one woman getting a punching bag and used it for months - do what you need to for that energy to move through you.

Eventually, you will be sick of crying - you really will.  Crying is the healthy way to relieve your Pain - tears wash away the pain - as much as it sucks right now - just embrace it and have the faith you will make it to the other side.

,

SB

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm already sick of crying.      I just can't seem to stop.

[delusionalxox]

Emilie and shaggy your posts made me cry.

I feel very similar one month on from the last, horrible time ex emailed me. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.

I think of him all the time and it feels as if a bomb went off in my chest. I feel alternately angry, bitter, jealous (of whoever he is with- it will be someone- he is beautiful), griefstricken and desperate to talk to him.

The thing is I don't get to the point of trying to talk to him- even to beg forgiveness (! after he left me pregnant without a word)- because I do instinctively know he would just hurt me more. Even when he wanted me back in the past, the message would be 'it's all your fault- you have abused ME- come back to me'.  Even if he did deign to speak to me now, it would be worse.

It would be abuse. Yet I still can't see him as the abuser even after the utterly inhuman way in which he's left me. Because I got so angry and lost it at the end, I still feel somehow that I am the abuser, I should say sorry. As if he could absolve me of something. It's really really  . I am holding onto that 'stop' reaction when I feel like calling as the one sign of my remaining sanity. My brain knows that to press that button will only lead to a painful electric shock, so it won't let me do it.

[Anikaca77]

Hi-

I can feel your pain.  I have the same pain a little different situation of course.  You can read my whole story on the newbie board I posted it all yesterday.  I have been begging my BPD husband to come back... . he left 2 weeks ago and left to go to TN with a women he cheated online with back in 2011 and told me it was over.  Apparently it wasn't over, he is telling me is.  I'm still trying to process this all.  I've not been able to do that much today other than cry and beg for him to come back... . plus we have a lot of cats together and I ended up have to move in my parents a week ago so it's all just so hard right now.  I ran out of money to support him so that's why he went to live with her... . she paid for the moving company which I didn't know about... . she drove up here from TN to get him and the cats... . had no idea this was happening at all... . I should be so pissed but all I keep thinking right now is how I need to get him back and be with him to be happy even though I know it's probably not true and I have to stop communication at some point or limit it to very little conversation unless it's about our cats.  I just miss my cats and I miss him so much that I dont' think I ever realized how much I was going to miss him until it's too late but then I question myself is it really too late?  I'm 33 yrs... . 4 cats... . no kids... . I'm still young and I try to think he is her problem now... . she can deal with him being on the internet all day long... . no job... . no money.  I know why would I want him back but a lot of me wants him back because I  love him deeply.  He called me today and I didn't hear my phone and he left me a message saying he isn't coming back home and that he is sorry.  It broke me again.  I keep feeling so much pain inside and I wish I didn't feel this way at all.  I asked him if we could talk and he called but I missed it again plus I was headed into the mall with my mom so I didn't want to talk esp. there.  I asked him if I could call him in an hour and he said he'd be busy then.  So we continued to text back and fourth and I told him I hated myself so much and that I wish I could do something to get him to come back.  I miss him, I told him I miss my best friend.  He said I'm just trying to adjust to the changes, etc. and asked me where was this love 2 years ago.  It's been very very hard for us... . when he was let go from his job due to his migraines he got daily... . we took a lot of money out of my 401K now which is where about $500 of my paycheck goes to paying those loans back.  It sucks big time but I have no choice unless I get another job or part time which I'm looking just to keep myself busy so I don't hurt so much I think.  Plus it would be good exercise which I could lose some weight.  He was not very helpeful in that direction, he was a chef and would make some very yummy food but not good for someone who needs to lose weight.

Anyway I just wanted to say I'm here for you and I understand your pain.

[Hurtbad]

Listen up newer friends:  Over the last 12 to 14 weeks... . but certainly during the first seven or so, I was the one posting that I could not take the pain, and that I cold not accept what my BPDgf did to me.  The short story is that she asked for a break on Sunday, and flew away on Wednesday to sleep with another guy in another city.  We lived together for three years, and I had not even moved out yet.  It gets worse, but I don't want to boor those that have read it over and over. Suffice it to say that the love of my life crushed my soul.  I am a successful middle aged man who handled a bad marriage and some other serious life trauma.  But nothing left me like this and I cried every day for those six or seven weeks. 

The people who post and help here, have helped me in a way I didn't think possible. Now, I want to pay it forward:

It really does get better.  Hang on.  Try and mix doing new things, along with old things that always got you attention.  I found that watching old favorite movies... . like the Shawshank Redemption,  Godfather... . stuff that really grabs you concentration... . really helped.  As for new stuff, I took a couple of trips to see friends or relatives I had not seen in awhile and went to some exhibits... . Air and space... . that I always wanted to but never had the time.  In the beginning, you are just going through the motions.  But it works,  Also, I got a T and posted here.  Keep in mind; it does not change over night, and there is always something new to rock your world.  My ex stated strippong and lap dancing after she left, and just yesterday told me she is moving to another city to be with the guy she flew away to see several weeks ago.  BTW she met him on facebook. I should add that I can seer the floor on my garage again, and the book I am editng is making progress.

I am not soft-soaping you.  It is hard and you will cry and rage.  You will endure dark sadness and excruciating pain.  But you will get better.  Oh, another disclosure:  I still love her and maybe always will... . she was the love of my life.  So don't do as I did and exclaim... . "but I love him/her like no other in a way no one can understand." Yes we... . I... . did too.   But you will get better... . But I am getting my life back now, and I am all the better for it.

We are here.  Hang in there. Please know how sorry I am for what you are feeling.  It really is the worst.

[Anikaca77]

To Hurtbad:

Thank you for your post!   I feel your pain.  My husband left me for someone on Facebook as well. I don't get it and how I couldn't see it.  He hid it so well.  My husband and I have been married for 6 years and were together 2 years prior to getting married.  This was his longest relationship and he gave up to go be with a chick 2 states away.  My heart is still hurting, I only found out where he was almost a week ago, so my wounds are very fresh. 

[rosannadanna]

Hi Emelie,

If you stay with strict NC, as in even no social media peeking, in a few months you will look back and be in a different emotional place.  If you stay in LC, which is by choice for this relationship, you may very well be in the same place you are now.  I am not saying one is good and the other bad, I am just predicting based on my own experiences and it's something that can be really useful to note on your journey, no matter the path you choose.  IMO, it's more constructive to non-judgementally explore why you are inclined to do something rather than harsh on yourself about being vulnerable and real and thus getting hurt (fooled) in the process.

As for my offerings for the detachment gift bag:

Therapy is good, if it's not cost-prohibitive.

Um to be continued; got to work now

[pari]

Oh Emilie, I so want to give you a big hug, and a lot of those. 

One good thing you must have realized by now is that you are not the only one suffering. The BPD bug has bitten so many of us here. And we understand you pain, better than anyone else. I can feel your emotions and pain while reading your posts. And feel so sad for you. Sorry that you had to go through this.

BPDexs are bad candies, as my T says. We long for one, even when we know it's not good for us. In a lot of ways, I am happy that my ex finally moved on. Now I have time to take care of me, my place and spent time in my hobbies. So first thing first, start taking care of yourself. Because if you don't, nobody else will. Think about things you enjoyed before you met ex. Create distraction. It's might sound funny and childish but it does help in taking mind off the ex and pain. You are feeling energy in form of pain. Can you think of ways to transform this energy into something positive for yourself? Writing also helps me in getting the burden off my head.

It's not clear from your post and I didn't read your intro post. Have you found a T? If not, please do that.

After my ex found a replacement, I kept wondering how could he do that, so fast. In past few interactions with my ex, I found out about all the negativity he sees in me and that's what helped him move on ( he still has feelings for me but still sleeping with a college kid half his age because she is available and easy). I realized looking at negativity is the key. And guess what it really works for me in moments of weakness. Try it if you want. 

Hope you feel better. Take care of yourself!

[rosannadanna]

I am back with more detachment goodies:

Read every article on this site, especially the stages of detachment

Read 2010's posts on this site; especially the subject of abandonment depression, which I think you are smack in the middle of

More reads:

The Journey From Abandonment to Healing

Boomerang Love-good for helping you to be recycle-proof

Getting Past Your Breakup-I think author wrote this after a relationship with NPD, but it's general and humerous; will help you move from sadness to anger to healing

Keeping the Love You Find-this is fantastic to explore FOO issues and how they impact your adult romantic relationships; the title sounds cheesy but this really is so helpful with self-exploration

Other stuff:

the first time I went strict NC (our second breakup) I watched all 7 seasons of Gray's Anatomy on Netflix.  It took me a month and half, and when done, I was another month and a half further in my journey!

I watched documentary "Forks over Knives", changed my eating habits, and lost 15 pounds.

I was waiting to pick up my brother up from airport, as he was here visiting from another country.  I wanted to text "made it to airport see you soon!" or something like that to a SO and I was feeling sad.  I texted this to myself instead of texting it to my ex.

This last time of separation, I have rediscovered exercise.  I started with a semi-personal training program lasting four weeks, then took what I learned and went nuts at my gym.  It does wonders to obliterate emotional pain!

Bottom line: like others have said, get comfortable in your own skin and take this opportunity to just be with yourself

Happy navel-gazing!

[rosannadanna]

Oh also to answer your question:

Because pwBPd have an attachment disorder.  This is deep and fixed.  To learn new ways to interact with their world, they need to be motivated to make scary changes through tough therapy for a long time, so alot of them don't go all the way, or don't even acknowledge they have a problem.  The most you can hope for is intermittent closeness and maybe someday with years of therapy, some sort of sustainable relationship.  But it will still be lopsided, b/c your partner has a serious illness that could return without the maintenance work.

My relationship is a series of push/pulls, lots of radical acceptance on my part, a "partially" recovered BPD who is not a rager and is motivated to have peace in his life, so the most I can hope for is intermittent closesness.  He doesn't think or feel like I do.  We both have codependent tendencies, but he has BPD; an attachment disorder.  He cannot attach to me consistently like I can to him.

Is this good enough?  I don't know, but I have learned to reframe our "breakups" as "therapeutic separations".   I have to figure out when enough is enough, but it is an interesting journey and no longer causes me pain b/c I detached from the fantasy relationship.

How good was your relationship, really?  You will probably answer differently after some NC time.

Take care

[Emelie Emelie]

Actually it was really good most of the time. I used to tell myself I'll deal with the5% bad becasue the 95% good is so freaking good.  Then it changed.  Got more lke 60/40.  And I'm still like, Okay. it's mostly good and I knew what I was signing up for.  But I told him, very clearly, I said you know what your issues are.  And I'm willing to accept them and do my best to deal with them.  But you also ened to know you're dealing with a very fragile heat here.  So I can tell you I'm willing to deal with your issues.  But are you in a position to deal with mine?  Of course he said yes, he wanted more than anything to take care of my "fragile heart".  To treat me the way I deserved to be treated.  Yo mskr my life better... . to take care of me  And he still broke it.  Broke it in a million pieces.  All because he needed to "protect his heart"... .