When does it start feeling better?

[shaggysoul]

It's been two months... . well 3 weeks since last contact/seeing him and sleeping with him/ him telling me he never cared.

Every morning I wake up crying. I stay up all night shocked at the realization that somebody who said they loved me beyond words dropped me in a second and never wants to hear from me again.  His life is so much better without me he says. Even though I did whatever I thought I could do to make it a viable relationship.

I cry at work. I cry between seeing patients. I am a mess. I hate this so much. This is not me. I have been through the destruction of a relationship that has hit me hard before but this one is so hard.

I funny thing is that I knew it would come to this from the start. Before we ever even met in person he attacked me over the phone for some insecurity of his "we come from different backgrounds, this is never going to work"... . click.  As he became more labile I would look at him screaming at me and think... . "what is the point of this? I can't marry this person, I can't do my incredibly stressful job and cope with this person, I would NEVER have children with this person". I knew it from the beginning. But I guess I was addicted. Because I could not let it go.

My question is... . How long has it taken you all (most of whom were in relationships with pwBPD far longer than me) to become functional again?

I live in paralyzing fear that when my ex returns from New York next month that I will see him out with another woman. I am terrified I will lose it. I am terrified even thinking about it. 

[recoil]

For me, it was the five month mark.  During that time, I did a lot of reading and therapy.  I'm still working on myself but find myself getting more and more detached and indifferent as time continues.  The pace of that detachment is quickening.  The original relationship lasted approximately 17 months. 

[tailspin]

Shaggy,

What's the worst thing that could happen if you see him out with another woman?  Would your fear of being replaced be confirmed? 

BPD is an attachment disorder, and once we are painted black and discarded, it's pretty much a given we will be replaced by someone (family, friend, partner).  Many of us were replaced even before we were discarded, because in a disordered mind, this is the safest plan.  They cannot let go of us without a secure attachment being established with someone else.

Our fears only have power over us if we relinquish our power to them.  If you do see your ex out with another woman, just remember she may be different, but your ex is still the same mentally ill person he was when you were together.  The ending is always the same, so let the faces change.  Focus on what you can control (your reaction to what you fear the most).

tailspin

[Sparky2Blame?]

My relations with my PBD-ex was about 5 years.  On again / off again with a number of recycles.  The last time around we were together for about 3 months.

Its been about 2 months since she disconnected and pretty much disappeared. And about a month since I told her that I couldn't continue the r/s (or whatever it was).  So I'm not exactly sure where my healing time line began.

I still think about her way more then I'd like. But the pain isn't as intense.  And the need for rationalizing and understanding has subsided considerably.  I would say it was within the last week and a half that it's really let up.  A lot of that has to do with what I've read and learned here.  I still feel like I'm a ways out from being fully back to normal, but it's slowly getting closer.

As far as seeing him out when he gets back.  Have you thought of what you may do, should that situation happen?  An escape plan, if you will.  Maybe someone you will call to preoccupy yourself.  Or just ways to reduce the chances of bumping into him, all together.

[Bananas]

I am 4 months out of a 2 yr r/s.  I still have bad days but I am just starting to have more good days.   

[Candace30]

     I'm detaching from my second BPD relationship.  I went through all of the painful, horrible emotions too - sadness depression, anger, couldn't focus at work, just wanting to close my office door and cry, feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  It gets better.  For me, I started to feel better when I stopped fighting myself to feel better.  There's a quote I like, "In order to get through it, you have to go through it".  I started to feel better once I got to the "acceptance phase".

     One day you will look back on this day and shake your head.  You may even smile or laugh.  Your ex will probably circle back around again.  I know that my first BPD ex did many times.  But it will get to a point where they will circle back around one day, and you won't even care.  Why?  Because you have moved on.

    Don't try to fight what you are feeling.  If you have any creative outlets, maybe channel that pain and energy into them.  Some of the greatest pursuits have been born as a result of a pain or hardship that someone was going through.  Turn poison into medicine.  You will be fine. 

[shaggysoul]

Thank you so much for replying.

I feel like it is good to feel out the emotions but I do want to stay functional. I try to practice mindfulness more and more but that seems to bring it out more and then things resolve. Crying at work is super embarrassing.

The creative outlet thing... . Hmm. Interesting suggestion. Something that has haunted me since my ex left was how he used to say that he grew up and still believes that inside he is an evil troll. He has had this perception of himself all his life. After he initially left I woke up at night thinking about a troll running around my room. That, in conjunction with some of the hateful messages he had sent me, knowing he had broken into my house, phone, email, spied on me in my home through my window, freaked me the ef out. I have been kind of fascinated with this troll imagine since and would love to make a drawing of him. Is that kind of psycho though? I feel like if somebody knew I was doing that then they would think I was nuts ("Get over it already).

[shaggysoul]

Also, I know he will not recycle me. Even though I would love to get the chance to be the one to call it off for good. He seemed too disgusted by me to ever come back. I think he was detaching for a long time. Plus, they say high functioning pwBPD hardly ever recycle.

[Octoberfest]

Shaggy... . I firmly believe that it starts to feel better when we finally REALLY want it to.  That seems silly, but I have been holding on in my heart to some small ray of hope that somehow things could all turn around and be all better.  I held on to that through a month of NC... .   It has only been in talking to my BPDex the past week (which I quit doing last night) that I have really come to realize that.  I had been harboring hope that the person that I loved, one the I cared so much for, was still in there somewhere.  I am just realizing it now, but I have been mourning and coming to terms with the loss of my loved one.  My BPDex, as I knew her, is dead.  Yes, that person still exists and has their own life to go about and live, but the person that I was so connected to and had so much between us is dead and gone. 

Of course we WANT to feel better... . we don't like feeling empty and depressed and in pain.  It seems kinda stupid and almost insulting to hear someone say "you just have to want to get better"... . but honestly, once you come to terms with the fact that there is no going back (and that in many cases, you wouldn't even WANT to go back), the only option you have left is to go forward.  And each day, even each hour, feels better.


Strength and peace to you

[Clearmind]

I do agree with OctoberFest - healing is being conscious - conscious and very aware that we need to begin healing rather than lamenting on what they are doing, going to do, may do!

Harboring hope is very painful and in the end we really can only speculate and assume whether contact will be made.

Shaggy, I do understand you are a new member and sometimes it takes time to start turning the tables on us! However, to challenge you a bit - any ideas why you got into this relationship to begin with and would you agree that this relationship, while you were in it, was very confusing, frustrating, painful and full of conflict? If so, why is it we lament about a person that caused us pain?

[Reg]

Octoberfest and Clearmind,

I agree completely.  I was just laughing in another topic, but there's truth behind this, that I actually miss my dog more then her... .

I feel sorry for her daughter and the damage that is done to her already, I do not feel sorry for who refuses to see that she needs help (my ex) and knows it deep inside, I do not feel any guilt.

That moment comes for every one, once you really know what BPD is, and realise that the person didn't make your life better, just worse.  I do not hate my ex, I feel no more anger, I will always love her for some of the best moments of my life, but the balance weight towards the very worse moments of my life is much bigger.  It was not her, it was the bordeline, and one can not change that.  And I don't want the borderline in my life ever again... .

It's now about a month and a half since our last contact, and I'm feeling very good. 

Reg

[shaggysoul]

Thank you again for your responses.

I think the lamenting comes from the mind- heart dilemma I felt constantly in this relationship. Yes, I had a gut feeling and expresses it to my friends and family. Yes, I knew it was toxic early on and said so. I stayed because I felt and still feel like I am run by the primaries urges and issues that fuel my heart. I am convinced that I need to be close to this person. I don't know why. It's been so agonizing.  I do have self esteem issues. I did feel like I could save him. I did love the mirroring. I did love the courtship. So much. I felt it's exactly what I deserved after all these years.

I was engaged three years ago to man that I had spent six years with. I went to med school for him, he went to law school. He was distant and cruel. Before our wedding I stepped up and said that certain ways he was treating me would not be stood for after our wedding. So, he waited for me to fly away to arrange wedding plans and emailed me so that when I landed far away I had a dear Jane letter waiting for me. This is 3 weeks before an expensive destination wedding that had been totally paid for. All our family and friends were coming.

It took a few weeks to realize he had left me for a woman in his law school class. Then ensued a smear campaign against which I still am unsure what it totally consisted of.

Several months later he knocked on my door. Crying (I had never seen him cry) and wanting to try again desperately. I was in so much shock. I came to find out later that he had been dumped by his gf. Something strange happened to me that day. Even though I always thought

I was so weak and would take him back if asked, a weird voice came up out of my chest and I just said "NO". I have never been so proud of myself.

This man now was the first man I have seriously dated or had feelings for since. It was special to me. That is why it hurts so much I think. Old injuries. Things I haven't processed.

My shrink thinks I purposefully picked another PD so I could relive the experience and in my mind maybe fix it... . Which is ridiculous.

I feel so sad for myself sometimes. Why have I doomed myself to these men. Why do I continue to be an object of pity to my friends and family. They all want so much more for me. But honestly, I am attracted to damaged men. I don't know if that will change.

Thank you for listening/reading.

[Reg]

Shaggy,

Perhaps it is time to want more for you and what you deserve.  Not to make your friends and family happy.  Just to make yourself happy ! 

Reg

[shaggysoul]

I'm so sorry about the typos... . Typing on an iPhone :/

[Reg]

And stop apologizing ! I do the typing at a normal computer and even make them.  No worries !

[Candace30]

You know what I've started doing?  I've started doing daily affirmations.  Before I fall asleep at night I tell myself at least 200 times statements like, "I am worthy of authentic love", "I am worth of a healthy relationship", "I deserve care", "I deserve consideration", "I deserve respect", "I matter", "My needs are important".

Strangely when I started to do that, I began to feel better.  Give it a try!

[delusionalxox]

This went right through me in your post shaggy and gave me chills.

'Before we ever even met in person he attacked me over the phone for some insecurity of his "we come from different backgrounds, this is never going to work"... . click.  As he became more labile I would look at him screaming at me and think... . "what is the point of this? I can't marry this person, I can't do my incredibly stressful job and cope with this person, I would NEVER have children with this person". I knew it from the beginning. But I guess I was addicted. Because I could not let it go.'

I was with BPD ex, a very charming and superficially high-functioning BPD/narc musician/artist/student, for 3 years with uncountable recycles mostly initiated by him. By the end I gave up trying to 'get rid' although I often just blew up and lost it. By the end our fights were upsetting me so much I was self harming, something I'd never done. I think I still somehow couldn't bear to lose him yet I knew the relationship was mutilating me, so I mutilated myself.

I adored this guy and yet he was a selfish and often nasty child-man. His good moods would evaporate without warning. He loved to manipulate me and put me down, would force me into no-win conversations and situations frequently. He made ridiculous demands for material and emotional signs of devotion which, when met, were amped up. A major side of him I saw was a sulky teenage boy demanding more and more of his mother. Deeply unattractive!

Yet he could also be a delightful companion and wonderful lover. The darkness would suddenly be cast off (rarely dealt with or discussed) and he would switch back into that mode. Like all BPDs, I have since learned! This suckered me in right to the end.

When the final discard came I was very depressed to the point of suicidality (I think the stress of the relationship got me there) and also pregnant. He ignored this and the abortion I had to go through. I was very, very angry and deeply hurt. I went a bit crazy and sent a number of probably rather unhinged messages when he dumped me with a patronising wish to 'find serenity and stop hating' - which really made me hate him!

Two weeks before this I had received a promise of undying semi-platonic love and friendship and a pledge to do anything he could to keep me in his life. I was furious.

I only managed to stop texting and emailing him alternately raging and pleading/begging messages on July 2. I had the abortion, which he ignored, on June 17. His last message on that day told me that I had 'deeply damaged him' and to leave him alone now.

There will be no closure, no recognition of any of his responsibilities, and I am almost certain that (unless I bombarded him with begging and total apologies, and possibly not even then)  I will never hear from him again- partly because as a relatively high functioning narc/BPD, he cannot bear to be shamed, and I have shamed him very much. Some of the things I said in my own 'extinction burst' were very damning (many sadly true eg that he is arrogant, exploitative, chaotic and irresponsible... . ) and he will not be able to forgive them, so I must be written out of his life.

I know he will never, ever come back. I will never, ever see him again. He lives hundreds of miles away.

This pain was the worst I have ever felt in 40 years of life. At least as an adult. I felt some echoes of the totality and depth of childhood despair (my mother was BPD/ narc-   I remembered the deep unbearable pain of her repeated rejections of me). The shame too at how I reacted, although clearly I was very vulnerable and had been abandoned at an appalling time, devastated me as did the fact that my apologies also were ignored. I have been painted a total 'psycho' (he even said this before he dumped me).

This man used me a great deal. Took a great deal of money from me. Was doing so until the end, although I had laid down a few boundaries he didn't like, like choosing my own house   . In the end he had no true friendship or loyalty to offer me despite my fantasies that what we had been through would bond us together forever   duh... .

thank god for this board. It has helped me to pull apart fantasies like that, made me realise where the crazy, hypnotic intensity came from. When I came on here I was ready to diagnose MYSELF with BPD, I felt so insane with shame and abandonment. Yet I also knew the way he had treated me for years had been utterly wrong - and somehow IMPERSONAL. The board taught me that his love was about a need which is parental as much as romantic. Also that mine was, too. It was a bond that was toxic because it was in a sense transpersonal- it went beyond the two of us, to layers of damage set down even in previous generations of our families. When we met it became inevitable that this damage would be brutally played out, because neither of us were aware enough to stop it.

I still feel so deeply ashamed, at how I lashed out and raged at being left. I had many many chances to let ex go more peacefully and in a more dignified way. But after so many recycles, my will to leave had been battered down. I was stuck deep in a deluded bond (hence my name here!).

So, these 2 weeks NC have been awful,, sometimes unbearable (my mother wanted to have me committed 2 days ago!) and I still obsess about him but the images are more distant today. Luckily for me I don't have to see him, am not on his FB and he doesn't communicate with me (like your ex). In fact even though it hurts this is EASIER to get over than the 'returners' or the 'taunters' of the exes on this board.

The hardest for me has been that his rejection has made me internalise a lot of guilt and shame and I have felt a truly awful, disgusting person. But then I remember he left me pregnant to abort on my own without a word other than a whine of self pity. I couldn't do that to another human being. I also could not expect another person to support me while I pursued 'art' or study without bringing in a penny to pay bills. I would not nag my partner to give up work (!) and pursue ill defined 'projects' and 'investments' with me or demand that she 'make proposals' to keep us together and in work which would not involve me doing a 'normal job'. I would not invade my partners privacy and communications, be constantly jealous of all members of the opposite sex, freak out when he picked up a book at home or 'sat too far away' from me at a gathering.

The line about your ex's early yell of incompatibility rang home. On an early holiday with ex, I committed the sin of sitting a few feet away from him talking to other members of a group we were with. He told me that night, 'it will never work, I love you too much and you are too independent'. He then attacked me viciously for smoking (he smokes but was vaguely trying to give up that night) and for not wanting to have long philosophical conversations on the coach. I wasn't going to be available enough to him. He foresaw it all... . creepy eh.

So anyway... . to end this long rambling post... . I would say that although i feel as if a nuclear bomb went off in my life and body, this week is definitely the 'best' so far of a very very bad series of weeks. And I have learned that I carry terrible damage which may lead me into another relationship like this if I do not take care, which I must deal with. I hope soon to be able to truly forgive ex, which I want so much to do, because I often saw in him such a vulnerable/nasty child.

 xx

[shaggysoul]

Yes! A vulnerable and nasty child. My ex was incredibly childlike! He shaved his chest, wore high tops, sat like a child (hard to describe without seeing), talked like a child. Listened to teen pop music and watched childlike tv. He also played tons of video games. Each thing by itself is nothing to judge but together it gave him truly an personification of an adult child. Which was sort of charming actually. Then I had to remember that he is 41(lied and said he was 35 initially... . To get younger women). My shrink said that it was clear he was looking for a mother in that he criticized me for not mind reading and expected me to pass his "If you really loved me you would" tests.

I am so sorry about what you went through Delusional. I have been through an abortion and it is no small task emotionally as is. To have such apathy from my partner would make me livid. I hope you had support from friends/ fam. We are here as well. Are you scared that when the dust settles he will come back? What would you do?

[shaggysoul]

Candace, thank you for your reply. I am willing to try anything to get me past this point and to the next level.

Reg, I think that I honestly have only ever found joy in life whilst taking care of other people. I am not proud of that. Taking care of myself seems pointless. I feel pointless. I guess maybe that is (I hope), the gift I gain from this. Learning to step aside from co-dependence and start caring about my life.

[delusionalxox]

Hey shaggy

I know ex's thought processes all too well. I suspect he has found someone else, and/or is now absorbed sufficiently in what he considers to be a 'new life'. So I no longer need to exist. I was no use to him once I withdrew sexual communication; the promise of friendship actually meant that I had to reflect him as he wanted to be reflected. He cannot accept any criticism whatever.

His recent brief and distant/patronising messages were full of complaints about his own difficulties and how I was no longer helping. He had latched on (in the childlike fashion of BPD) to a film director in his home town, they were 'doing projects' together etc; I am sure that he complained a lot about me and was advised to ditch the 'psycho' (my depression was not received well by his friends and family; the stigma of that in his country is enormous. He often referred to me as 'mad' and 'crazy' for being diagnosed depressed. Really horrible, and I should have dumped him just for that! He, of course, is perfectly 'sane'... . ) In the meantime I heard from his supervisor that he didn't complete his Phd corrections on time. So he's not coping and I think lashing out at me finally was part of that. I haven't given him what I was expected to: sex, mirroring, a leg up into the world of academia (in which I work and he is just studying atm).

I won't hear from him again. I was split totally white on May 16 and completely black by June 6, basically because I made the mistake of believing what he said about friendship and making us his priority. I thought we could interact as adults so I told him how down I was about everything between us and life in general. I was also pregnant at the time and very hormonal (didn't know it by then though :/)

His response was to go silent then respond to my increasingly upset but not aggressive messages with one line dismissal. He then finally told me to 'stop this psycho barrage' and that 'I was not the only person with problems'. Really all i had wanted was a virtual hug from my supposed 'forever friend' but instead I got a vicious attack. That was it. After that I was split completely black. He announced he would never speak to me again 'because you will do this again and again', wished me serenity and 'to stop hating' (I was pretty angry at that point but that sent me over the edge... . )

then, the silence except the whinge about being 'damaged' on the day I had the abortion... . he is paranoid and nasty enough to believe that I (being a 'psycho' would make something like that up in order to claim attention from him, and his family would readily believe that and tell him so. So he may be hiding behind that belief or he may just not care. Either way there will be some vestige of shame there, ad he cannot bear shame; the other person must carry it and that is me. So, I have in his eyes put myself beyond the pale. His whine the day of my abortion told me that 'his nights and days were filled with the terrible things I had said and done to him' (that drama queen tone is typical  ).

I did say some nasty things by the end, I was going crazy. He had messed so horribly with my mind that I lost it. Friendship means a lot to me but in my deluded state I should have realised that this person could not  be my friend at all. the relationship itself was uttelry toxic.

Still, he knows my address and where I work. He could have sent a card, some token to show that he cared about my physical well being. There is just no way I can contemplate ignoring a 'friend' in that position even if we had been rowing nastily. But maybe I'm just a more caring person! (it feels odd somehow to claim that even if it is true!)

Yes he also had the video game habit btw... . but so did my non ex... . and the one before that ... . hehehe. Maybe that is more a gender thing.

Ex woudl talk in childish voices a lot. His girfriend before me (a 37 year old working single mum when he met me!) was a 19 year old very inhibited, anxious and bulimic girl who was deeply attached to her own mother. By the end even she managed to leave him! He didn't forgive that and couldn't believe that after he did exactly what he used to do to me- set her up in a no-win situation then patronisingly abandoned her to 'think' about how best to basically serve him as a partner- she buggered off into the arms of someone else! this obsessed him throughout our relationship- her 'faithlessness'... . poor girl. She was probably more mature than him.

[delusionalxox]

Shaggy there is that indefinable childlike air about some people isn't there. I'm going to be REALLY wary of it now.

Ex's mother also had it. He used to call it 'the soul of a little child' and kind of admired it in her 

everyone who met him thought he was 10 years younger (he was 34 when I met him) partly cos of good looks but also because of this indefinable air of complete immaturity... . and i know what you mean by 'sitting like a child' exactly.

[Trick1004]

It's been about seven weeks now since she walked out on me and I can say that I'm not all that hung up on her being out of my life.

The last couple months of our relationship I was just so emotionally drained and wore out from trying to make her happy that I started withdrawing from her. I think it was only a matter of time until I would've broke up with her, I just couldn't handle dealing with her from crisis to crisis anymore. I think she could sense that so she ended it first. It still caught me by surprise and I've never felt that level of pain for a couple weeks after the breakup.

Despite her efforts I still haven't seen or talked to her since the night of the breakup. I felt incredibly disrespected that night and something deep inside of me just knew that it was over and it would be bad for me to see her.

I still dream about her almost every night, but think about her less and less during the day. I have more energy, sleep better, feel less depressed, and don't dread coming home from work anymore wondering what I'm going to have to do to make her happy.

So maybe I was lucky that I started to see the writing on the wall and was in the very early stages of preparing myself for the end of the r/s. After seven weeks I am well on my way to regaining how I felt and who I was before I met her.

[Clearmind]

everyone who met him thought he was 10 years younger (he was 34 when I met him) partly cos of good looks but also because of this indefinable air of complete immaturity... . and i know what you mean by 'sitting like a child' exactly.

One of the main attractions for me was my ex's childlike quality - my own childhood seemed to be fraught with inconsistencies, contradictions, restrictions and prohibitions - I felt alive with my ex.

That is one quality that now repels me. Major 

[lockedout]

I've been separate for six months now and finally starting to feel like "me" again. We have a 3 year old son, so NC isn't an option. I've been holding off on the divorce because I have no choice but to anticipate that she's going to hire some man-hating lawyer who will try to destroy me financially. In part of feeling better I've taken a good look at my finances and some solutions that if they work out, I can proceed with a divorce.

I left in January in pretty rough shape extremely depressed. I took up running; even forcing myself on my "down" days to get out and burn off some of the depression and anxiety. I got in touch with the friends I'd alienated over the years. I have a journal; but haven't been keeping up with it as much lately. I went to support groups, church and yoga classes. I've been on a LOT of dates almost from the very beginning. I've dated some nice ones, but I can spot the dysfunctional ones from a mile away. Poorly set boundaries are my biggest turn off. More recently I've come off the medication I was taking for depression and anxiety - replaced with a dietary supplement that seems to work much better. My psychiatrist didn't seem overly exited about the idea, bu I know I'm happier. I've pretty much scrubbed my father, another borderline out of mine and my son's life. He got pissed because I didn't get his blessing prior to doing something that was necessary for financial survival. He was then disrespectful to me in front of my son (at a 2 yr old's birthday party) then sent me an e-mail demanding I call him up to apologize within 7 days; along with a dissertation of pointing out how everyone else is responsible for how miserable his life is: persecutions that stretch back 20 years. Doing all that and then calling me at work repeatedly demanding I make arrangements so he could "come get" my son to spend time with him (who he pretty much ignores anyway) gives me plenty of reasons to paint him black. It's super easy to block phone numbers with Verizon; I think I got all of his and ones that my come through on a borrowed phone. A bit of a tangent, but at 38 years old and separated from a BPDer,  I'm finally recognizing the toxic dynamic for what it is. I have had some pretty rough and lonely days but they're fewer and father between. My energy and my confidence are up. Tonight a really HOT chick is coming over for dinner. Too early to tell for sure, but I have a good feeling about this one. What matters is that I'm finally reclaiming the identity I had before the BPD relationship and becoming  "me" again.