Thoughts on "painting black"...

[Tordesillas]

So... . While I broke up with my exBPD and cut her off quite definitively, I have not yet been painted black, so far as I can tell.  I feel fairly confident about this having spoken to a few people in her life who would certainly be honest with me about this.  She's done all the other characteristic things that were expected... . moved in with a new boyfriend pretty much right away... . etc... .   But I'm wondering why she hasn't painted me black yet?

Here is my thought... . I don't think she realizes that I know the extent of her deception and lies.  And I'm wondering if that makes her feel like she hasn't been exposed and so hasn't been triggered to paint me black. 

But I'm considering speaking to a friend of hers that would likely expose a few things and it would likely get back to my ex that I know about some things she would be very ashamed to admit she did during our relationship.  And I'm wondering if this will trigger my being painted black.

Recovery has been going well for me and I feel myself detaching.  I don't NEED to get these answers but there are a few nagging details that it would be nice to have clarity on.  But at the same time if it results in my being painted black I wonder if it's worth the risk of that drama.

Thoughts? 

[Reg]

Tordesillas,

You may be right on that one.  It took me some time to see what was really going on, and yes she has seen a bad side of me, anger and frustration in my words, confrontation with her behaviour.

I guess that if this didn't happen between the two of you, you may have escaped this behaviour.  I didn't anyway, I was painted black in every way possible to a number of people, and afterwards I realize now why some of her family and friends avoided me.  Or why she didn't want me to meet them... .    She even did tell me about this in one of our last talks just a few months ago when she was admitting to have a problem (for a few days or so... . )

I would love to hear more on the matter from others as well who didn't get painted black, and if this is the reason indeed.

Reg

[Reg]

Hi,

Just want to give this one a kick back to the first page LOL

Any other ideas on this matter ?

Thanks.

Reg

[Blade99d]

For me, the painting black is the hardest thing to grasp.  We all get mad, we all say things we later regret in the heat of the moment, but we don't cut someone out of our lives, that 10 mins before we said we loved.  My ex BPD does not talk to any of her family, except her only child.  I can't begin to imagine what he saw growing up, as he is grown.  She could call me every name in the book, but if I did the same... . get outta my house or I am calling the cops. 

[seeking balance]

But I'm considering speaking to a friend of hers that would likely expose a few things and it would likely get back to my ex that I know about some things she would be very ashamed to admit she did during our relationship.  And I'm wondering if this will trigger my being painted black.

Recovery has been going well for me and I feel myself detaching.  I don't NEED to get these answers but there are a few nagging details that it would be nice to have clarity on.  But at the same time if it results in my being painted black I wonder if it's worth the risk of that drama.

Thoughts? 

My thoughts since you asked... . sounds like you want some drama in your life.

If you don't need the answers, why open the drama door?

[charred]

My exBPDgf painted me black many times... . usually we would break up, she would stew for a day or two and then start telling stories. If we recycled, she would be happy, we would go out, meet her friends or family and the reactions they had and things they sometimes said made it clear she had told some real whoppers. Seemed like the point for her was to trash me, save face and pass blame in one big move. It went with making everything global... . she was either happy with me (and the world)... . or not, it was like a giant package deal, she couldn't have some things good other s not, it was all black or all white.

She would deny she said anything, or else say that she had only told the truth... . and it was my fault. No apologies, corrections, retractions ever, and certainly no accepting responsibility for her own abhorrent behavior.

I think looking back that it doesn't matter... . accepting that they are the way they are is key to moving on or getting along. I can't be with someone that acts like a 3 yr old, has tantrums, lies, and blames her own bad actions on others... . always.