One whole year NC and I ran into her today. I Dona

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just my luck, I'm shaking. I ran into my BPD ex randomly. She was coming out of a restaurant with a few of her friends while I was going in to meet up with a few friends of mine.

I was texting and when I looked up she was there face to face. We both gave each Other a startled look  I just kept walking, I did NOT want to exchange any pleasantries. My f**king heart sank. I swear I had/have enough adrenaline to hike mt. Everest. I feel sick actually, this is the first time I actually sat down. I've been pacing back and forth. Her face looked the same. Nothing aged. I was doing ok! Some rough patches it's been over a year!

Now I feel like I'm back to square one. Is she better wit the next guy? What if she is doing a whole lot better? Did I not mean anything? It's so hard not to pick apart all of her actions. She makes small talk and has friends/and family members and 150 photos on social platforms. I just can't make contact. I feel so pathetic. I couldn't even go in for a kiss on the cheek had we spoken. I can't let even her in my personal space. I feel pathetic, I truly do. She prob. Walked off like nothing and I'm here feeling like I just took a 5 hour energy supplement. 

[Deleted]

Just my luck, I'm shaking. I ran into my BPD ex randomly. She was coming out of a restaurant with a few of her friends while I was going in to meet up with a few friends of mine.

I was texting and when I looked up she was there face to face. We both gave each Other a startled look  I just kept walking, I did NOT want to exchange any pleasantries. My f**king heart sank. I swear I had/have enough adrenaline to hike mt. Everest. I feel sick actually, this is the first time I actually sat down. I've been pacing back and forth. Her face looked the same. Nothing aged. I was doing ok! Some rough patches it's been over a year!

Now I feel like I'm back to square one. Is she better wit the next guy? What if she is doing a whole lot better? Did I not mean anything? It's so hard not to pick apart all of her actions. She makes small talk and has friends/and family members and 150 photos on social platforms. I just can't make contact. I feel so pathetic. I couldn't even go in for a kiss on the cheek had we spoken. I can't let even her in my personal space. I feel pathetic, I truly do. She prob. Walked off like nothing and I'm here feeling like I just took a 5 hour energy supplement. 

[Clearmind]

What work have you done on yourself Deleted over the last 12 months to move forward?

"I feel pathetic" is some pretty harsh self talk - where does this feeling come from?

[Deleted]

For the past few months, I've put a lot of thought as to why I stayed and realized my issues. I've also progressed in many aspects of my life concerning my future which I'm extremely proud of myself for doing so, I just feel pathetic. I feel as if she brushed it off like nothing and I'm pacing back and forth. It's harsh I know. I just find my reaction pathetic, it's been over a year she's had multiple partners I'm sure I'm a long lost memory that's only used to manipulate her new boyfriends and I'm acting as if I saw the grim reaper. I know I'm not thinking straight right now but crap it's hard. Clear mind have you ever crossed paths with your BPDex?

[Clearmind]

Clear mind have you ever crossed paths with your BPDex?

I never went NC Deleted. From the week after he moved out I saw him at least twice a week - same interest, same place. It never really occured to me to go NC. When I saw him I re-processed my r/s, re-processed me and where my feelings were coming from (they stemmed back from the inadequacies from my childhood) - the first month it took a few days to get over it. Then after a month or two my relationship would flash past me in a matter of seconds - then I would move onto to something else.

Runimating is addictive - it keeps us stuck - I didn't once berate myself for feeling the way I did - it was how I felt.

He would be chatting up women - my thought: poor girl has no idea

He would be drinking - my thought: thank goodness i don't have to put with that anymore

He would be laughing and smiling - my thought: its shortlived until the next inner drama

He would be sombre - my thought: thank goodness I don't feel the need to ever save a drowing man ever again.

Being on my own is why more satisfying than living in the chaos of that relationship. To feel pathetic is to self blame. You have not detached Deleted - and you have not attached to your new found knowledge about yourself - you are possibly in limbo between the two and NC is OK while you don't see her.

NC has a catch - and you found it - this is not a bad thing you saw her - it is a reminder that there is some work on you left to be done. You will get there my friend. We all live out our childhood emotions in adult situations when we haven't properly healed.

"I feel pathetic" - is Little Deleted speaking (you as a little person)  .

[Deleted]

That takes amazing strength and I really applaud you.

I've gone no contact and I have not touched that nerve. Perhaps I repressed it like how I did my issue that kept me with her. It's really the past few months in which I was looking inward. I can't help but to feel pathetic I don't want to ever talk down to myself but I feel as if she is doing so much better despite what everyone else says, despite what I KNOW to be true.

When you say when I see him with a girl, I say poor girl. I say that all time, I say whoever she is with, it will be heaven at first then just a multitude of sh!t storms one after the other. I gotta get it through my thick head. I have to. I just went nc and repressed things for months. The day I started to look at myself and talk about it, it was perhaps 11 months after the break up. I just want to be indifferent about this. Your words are wise and comforting clear mind and I thank you for that. I hope one day I reach your stage, I'm lagging but I'm pushing through. 

[Clearmind]

  - accept the way you feel Deleted - it will pass as long as you don't stuff your emotions down your sweater  .

Great book: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

[winston72]

Great comments and advice from ClearMind.

Deleted, as a novice on this web site, my reaction to your story is... . don't sweat it!  It is not pathetic to have such a reaction.  Not at all.  And, of course, it means that you have some stuff yet to confront and deal with.  So, this is one way that it comes to the surface... . and you will deal with it! 

You are not pathetic, Deleted, and neither was this reaction.  Reflect on it, accept what you learn and keep living.  You are on a good path.

[bb12]

Hey Deleted

Read your post with great interest: I have always wondered how I would respond if I ran into mine.

I am fairly certain my adrenal gland would do what yours did, and I would not be cool.

But reacting in "flight" mode is natural to stimulus we have assessed as unpredictable or dangerous. I know I have certainly filed my exBPD under that category. The pain I felt at being discarded was easily the most intense of my life. My point is this: a natural reaction to a perceived threat has NOTHING to do with the person you have become since that threat was removed.

Clearmind is right in prodding you to look at attaching to your new learnings. We must do this at the same time as we detach from our exes.

Like you, I am 12 months NC. But mine wouldn't talk to me if I tried!

Many people on here to LC (limited contact) and some even stay. NC is designed for us to heal and has nothing to do with our exes. I think you might be surprised just how far you've come... . and what you can apply to new relationships.

For me, this experience forced me to look at my choices, where they came from - and all the negative inner dialogue that was guiding my decisions. It forced me to learn who I am. And no-one can ever take that away from us again.

Remain NC... . you can do it. And don't go into her head and wonder what she was thinking... . or how she didn't look as flustered as you. One thing I will never get stuck in again is 'understanding' and the many permutations of the BPD riddle. The only person to focus on, as you have learned, is YOU.

Don't struggle against your reaction. Don't chide yourself with negative inner dialogue. Experience it. Let it go. And just know that how you reacted was appropriate given what you went through.

Calm blue ocean! And attach to the wonderful things you are learning about yourself

BB12

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Deleted (by the way, I totally love the name),

     Wow, do I get what you are saying about feeling like a shmuck for reacting so strongly when she 'probably had no reaction'  I had an incredible 30 years of NC during which time I did exactly zero processing.  Then God, Fate or possibly the Devil himself intervened and put me face to face with her through work on a very regular basis.  I know very well the near panic attack feeling as I came very close to completely losing it after two days of sitting in the same room with her.  I also get the 'can't let her in my personal space' thing.  Where we now (Thanks, Satan!) work it is customary for everyone to greet each other with at least a handshake before a meeting.  I still can't touch her.  Don't know what I'm afraid of, really, but I guess it's that I'm going to break down and start crying or something.  They say time heals all wounds; BS, my friend.  Hard work on yourself heals this wound and nothing else.

     By the way, though I don't know your girl, I can extrapolate a bit from mine to say that I very strongly doubt she had no reaction at all to seeing you.  The thing is that one of the first lessons here is that we must not make the mistake that the pwBPD feels the same about the r/s as we do.  We "know" they think about everything exactly as we do and we truly love them beyond all description, therefore they simply must love us beyond all description too.  Then we fill in hypotheses to explain why they aren't with us when they feel the same way we do, blah, blah, blah.

     I've come to accept that she doesn't feel like I do and that she never, ever did.  These poor people confuse what we call love with simply having their needs met.  The relationship didn't mean nothing to her -- it just didn't mean any of the lofty, human, self-sacrificing things to her that it meant to you.

     I'm describing all this because I fear that you may need to work quickly through the issues now as the fact that she saw you has at least the possibility that she will try to recycle with you. You need to be ready for this and it ain't so easy.  What would you do if she came to you and said she loved you and made the biggest mistake of her life not staying with you? My own reaction to this is likely to be the same as a pat of butter in a hot fry pan. But we have to try to get ready anyway.  This site can really help.  The key is in you.  Why did this r/s matter so much?  The answer is here in many places.  If you want to read what I finally realized, click on my name and read the older posts.  "Charred" also has some good ones.  Good luck, man.  We're with you.

LT

     

[Trick1004]

I never went NC Deleted. From the week after he moved out I saw him at least twice a week - same interest, same place. It never really occured to me to go NC. When I saw him I re-processed my r/s, re-processed me and where my feelings were coming from (they stemmed back from the inadequacies from my childhood) - the first month it took a few days to get over it. Then after a month or two my relationship would flash past me in a matter of seconds - then I would move onto to something else.

Runimating is addictive - it keeps us stuck - I didn't once berate myself for feeling the way I did - it was how I felt.

He would be chatting up women - my thought: poor girl has no idea

He would be drinking - my thought: thank goodness i don't have to put with that anymore

He would be laughing and smiling - my thought: its shortlived until the next inner drama

He would be sombre - my thought: thank goodness I don't feel the need to ever save a drowing man ever again.

Being on my own is why more satisfying than living in the chaos of that relationship. To feel pathetic is to self blame. You have not detached Deleted - and you have not attached to your new found knowledge about yourself - you are possibly in limbo between the two and NC is OK while you don't see her.[/quote]
Exactly this, nicely worded clearmind.

[Deleted]

Truly great posts   really thank you all for takin time and posting.

Bb12 you're right. I have to tell myself sometimes that I'm trying to rationalize a mentally ill person, I'm trying to put logic into their thinking   *sigh*.  I don't know if its normal human curiosity to wonder why your ex has pictures of you, talks to your family, but I know I wouldn't be where I am today (career wise) if I were to have stayed with her. I need to stop trying to put logic and just f88king let go, I'm beyond tired (excuse my language).

Lao tzu,

Sheesh that's real harsh.

I don't fear a r/s at all. I know I won't talk with her if she were to initiate any contact, no way in hell will I allow myself to fall into that.

The r/s, I've been on here for months and I don't know what r/s really stands for, but if it means relationship, It meant so much because I put my needs on the back burner. She was a victim of sexual abuse and my god, I let so much slide because of it, even her abusive, bellicose behavior towards me. I was hurt during her outburst but I didn't see her as doing me harm, I saw her anger, her abuser hurting me NOT HER. I was so foolish and naive. Love does not conquer all and she wants to play the victim. I shouldn't of stayed and I shouldn't of been so naive.  

If she were to say I love you and this was a mistake, honestly, I'd enjoy hearing that (who wouldn't) but I can't. To me, it's like a manipulative snake slithering its way back into your heart only to inject its venom. I love myself too much for that.  

Thank you all. I never thought it would be this rough but you are all helping tremendously!

[Deleted]

Btw, how do you handle contact Lao tzu?

[Clearmind]

We often sacrifice ourselves Deleted for another - this is not love its need. You berate yourself yet you have been given a gift to finally wake up and look at your partner choice!

Treat contact like a barometer - it charts where you are in your healing. These feelings of inadequacy are certainly something to work through - this is what has come up for you and you will in time process these emotions. Its also possible you dislike vulnerability - I would feel incredibly vulnerable when I saw my ex and processed it.

Vulnerable avoidant folks tend to please others and care take - this is where they receive their value. I do therefore I am of valuable. Right now you have you and no one to fix - the void can feel very quiet. Chaos also fills the void - my new found environment was less chaotic and it took some time to get use to the new norm.

You will get use to your norm - one thing you may need to begin to look process is to change your perception of her - she is not who you want her to be - its about expectations and she cannot live up to them.

Can I ask - What was the household dynamic growing up?

[sm15000]

I was texting and when I looked up she was there face to face. We both gave each Other a startled look  I just kept walking, I did NOT want to exchange any pleasantries. My f**king heart sank. I swear I had/have enough adrenaline to hike mt. Everest. I feel sick actually, this is the first time I actually sat down. I've been pacing back and forth. Her face looked the same. Nothing aged. I was doing ok! Some rough patches it's been over a year!

I've been separated from my ex for 2 yrs, some sporadic LC for the first year.  I'd been NC for just over a year when a couple of months ago he asked to connect on a website.  When I saw the message, just on the computer, I felt the same physical reaction as you, it seems crazy doesn't it     It shook me up for quite a while but I sat with the feelings and really thought about it.   Then last week I was walking where I live and staring into nowhere really when out of the corner of my eye I recognised a car plate in a queue as his.  First time I had seen him in 18 months but again feelings of inner disturbance. . .as he drove past he shouted "hello SM" and then was gone.

I hate that feeling over him. . .someone I had known for 13 yrs. . .and I'm not sure if my sometimes stubbornness of NC the last year has made it worse as deep down I'm not sure if that's the scenario I wanted to set up.  Sometimes I feel I held on to bitterness and hurt for too long and had to feel like I driven a point home. . .if you get what I mean.

What I did find though by these triggering sights and contacts, is that it allows reality in and I became stronger and stopped holding on to ruminating fantasies that I had for far too long. . .I hope you do too 

[asher2]

Deleted... . I do not think your reaction is at all unusual and I applaud you for recognizing the potential she has to hurt you again. I don't think it's crazy at all that you keep your distance from her. I think you are guarding you... . and that is more than OK. I think it's prudent. As I've said numerous times before, it isn't about them after the breakup, it's about us. We need to do the things we need to do to stay safe. If not letting her into your personal space is what you need to do, that is perfectly OK. It's not pathetic. This girl probably did more damage to your emotional well-being than one should ever be asked to put up with, so the safeguarding, in my opinion, is perfectly OK. Even a year out. Heck, if you still feel this way 5 years from now, it's OK and absolutely your right.

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago how my ex sent me a text after 7 months (to the day) of NC. My reactions were just like yours. When the text message noise went off, I thought it was just someone who I normally interact with. When I looked at my phone and saw her picture (I forgot her picture shows up when she calls or texts) I absolutely froze. In fact, my first reaction was that it was a mistake... . that my cell phone company must have got some wires crossed or something. And it was just a "Hey hope you are well" type text. I didn't respond. I'm doing just fine now without her (finally!) but I have to admit that the text shook me for the rest of the day. It sounds like your response was just like mine.

I have a feeling I'll run into my ex as well sometime soon face-to-face as you did. And I don't think it will be coincidence. I think she'll up the ante and be somewhere she knows I'll be at sometime in the near future. I just hope I can respond as well as you did. I don't want to give her anything to feed off.

But your response, I think, is totally normal and not at all out-of-line. And no, if she's BPD she didn't move on and get better. And no, the next guy isn't better than you. All of the deep, underlying issues are still there and always will be unless she gets professional help. The guys may change, but the issues she has won't. Once I was able to accept that, I was able to move forward.

[Deleted]

I'm a lot better today which is great.

Clearmind - I've come to realize that I have given her superhuman powers. I give a mentally unstable and ill person superwoman powers over me. I guess the trauma she has caused me makes me make an elephant out of a rodent. My house hold and upbringing was well, not perfect but no complaints. I've posted a week ago about what caused me to stay or at least a major factor. It was a huge betrayal from two family members when I was a teenager, it made me vulnerable and hurt and I hated that. Long story short, They made a huge lie about me and I left it alone it was a no win situation for me, I had to cut people off. The betrayal hurt, the way we discarded each other hurt, I never really focused on it, until now. Until I left and did some work I realized a lot of similarities between that situation and this, the painting black, the way I was discarded. Opened up a nasty wound.

Asher2 and sm150000,

It's truly crazy. I felt like I saw a ghost. I'm sure my face turned pale. I kept replaying the moment over and over in my mind. I'm calming myself down and saying that things will be better. I'm down in this dark room needing to find light and understand the situation, I think I am (with some setbacks). I think we just give them too much power, at least I know I do. I view her as this malevolent, cruel, dominant, cold hearted person who purposely hurts me. Quite the opposite, she's weak, insure, acts on impulse, emotionally stunted and mentally ill person. I thank you all for your posts.

[Peabody]

Deleted,

I know exactly how you feel as I had the same incident happen to me the other night. I have been in NC for about a month now and the other night I was performing at a local bar (I am a music producer) and I walked in and the first thing I saw was her hair at the bar and my heart sank so low to the floor. What was even worse was that I ignored her and set up all my stuff but the next thing I know is she hops on stage and comes and stands to the left of me and STARES at me for a good ten seconds. I finally divert my attention (the butterflies were beyond this world, I didnt know what to do) and stare her in the eyes. She always used to tell me she was Medusa and if I stared too long I would turn into stone so I gave her a dirty look and held strong eye contact. After ten seconds she cracked up laughing and hugged me tightly then hopped down and left with her girlfriend (girl she was seeing at the same time as me). This exchange there were NO words to each other at all which is the hardest part. She knew I was going to be there and seemed like she had so much to say. I have tried to think nothing of it and continue moving on though. It was like she just wanted me to forget all that she did and us be best friends again and I knew it COULD not be like that so thats why I maintained my stature and kept my silence. I ended up hugging her back just because I was so shell shocked with what was going on, I felt like I gave in though... . Confrontations are definitely relapsing for the mind.  :'(

[Lao Tzu]

Hey Deleted,

     First, I'm very relieved you have such a great attitude towards recycling.  It's also great that you're regaining your equilibrium so well.  Don't be angry with yourself for the 'weakness' you feel you felt when you saw her.  Truly, it's this never satisfied, never happy attitude toward yourself that is likely the basis of this weird relationship (yes, r/s!) that we have with these people.  Change this and you change the whole game.

     To answer the relevant question about how I handle the meetings I'm forced now to have, the answer is "not as well as I'd like" (see, I'm too self-critical still). To be honest, I literally have mentally practiced before seeing her.  Every day, I look at photos of her or videos from YouTube (there are several) and I rehearse over and over what I'm going to repeat in my mind while I have a smile plastered on my face. It may sound stupid, but what I repeat over and over when I'm with her is "She isn't what you thought she was."  "This is really the burned out husk of a person who only appeared to be something wonderful."  It sounds dumb, but it has helped me a lot.  I still can't say I'm any where near fully in control of my reactions (who can?), but my heart rate is normal and I'm not thinking of running out of the room.  I still can't deal with the physical contact, so I just position myself somewhere like the end of the conference room table where shaking hands would be inconvenient. I'm better though; I can now look directly into her eyes when she's speaking and the pain is only at about 1-2/10 instead of 10/10.  It still kind of sucks to be me currently, but the rehearsal thing has helped.

     I wish I felt as sure of myself about being able to spurn a recycle as you do.  My higher brain agrees with you and would be strong as a rock but whatever lower brain areas are actually running this show aren't so easily curbed.  Be sure you're being honest with yourself about this, as it really is these lower areas (that we suppress) that pushed up rapidly when you saw her.  For me, it's a real concern as I have feared that once she accurately diagnosed that I was emotionally 'still on the line' with her after all these years, she might decide that I was her perfect love after all -- and I wouldn't be able to resist.  "Charred" has a similar story where the no contact (NC) time gap was 26 years, I think, then she ruined his life again.

     Sure as 'heck', the last time we were together, she told me she had moved to (by coincidence ) the very town I lived in until a few months ago and broadly hinted I should visit her there. She simultaneously teased me with the revelation that she was going to visit her significant other (SO) after having told me she was all about her family at this point, i.e. no serious r/s in her life. What she doesn't know and never will is my secret weapon -- what I've learned on this site.  I knew she had to have someone else because this place teaches you that these folks can never be alone.  I get what triangulation (read definition) is now and I see the information about the SO (completely inappropriate information if our r/s was really supposed to be all business) as exactly that.  Finally, but most importantly, I have a degree of mindfulness I used to lack. I observe what she is doing as if I were watching a fish in a tank. She may think (and it would have been true 6 months ago) what she is doing will mold my emotions subtly and push me where she wants me to go, but she's actually wrong, for once, about that.  I'm not yet where I need to be, but I'm not kidding myself anymore either. I finally have taken back a bit of the power I ceded to her for decades. We love you man and we're behind you.

LT

     

[Deleted]

Lao tzu no need to feel weird or anything if your ritual  works for you and you are able to see her than thats great  . I'm not sure what to do yet. You know I've had all these speeches and 2 sentence responses that would convey my main points across to her but its  futile. I was shell shocked. It's true what clearmind said on here have said, this is a barometer to measure how much I've come along. There needs to be work. I thought about her today, hell I ruminated. I quickly said "NO!" Whenever I thought about a good future with her (obviously impossible).

Peabody, on the contrary you did not give in or fail or anything. You came across as if this is no big deal. BPD or not anyone would say "whoa Peabody treated me like I'm not special to him". It's def a relapse for the mind but I hope it's for the best, I'm staying positive! 

[WXYZ]

Finally, but most importantly, I have a degree of mindfulness I used to lack. I observe what

she is doing as if I were watching a fish in a tank.

This is ‘gold’

After I ended the relationship (still not knowing she was BPD) there were numerous rebound attempts.

It was at this time when I began to feel I was watching a gold fish. There was some communication

over the next 12 months (I kept withdrawing periodically, just too weird for me) and what I observed

was this: she came full circle – her words and behaviour were a carbon copy of the first ‘lap around

the circuit’ – a script!  Yep, just like a goldfish swimming around in circles in a small fish bowl. That

was a serious what the heck kinda moment when I realised it.

For me, this knowledge/awareness is a great protection - the next time someone tries this kinda stuff

on me my mind will automatically think gold fish ... .

[sm15000]

"Charred" has a similar story where the no contact (NC) time gap was 26 years, I think, then she ruined his life again.    

That's terrifying 

Finally, but most importantly, I have a degree of mindfulness I used to lack. I observe what she is doing as if I were watching a fish in a tank

So true. . .that's at least what I got out of the time we were LC.  You see them playing out the script in all its glory - not nice but it lets reality in pretty quick

[Deleted]

Lao tzu & aussiebloke,

I also witnessed this fish tank behavior. She used the same weapons in her arsenals as she did to her other ex boyfriends. The same routine, the crying outside the house to make a show, the same hurtful words she told her past exes, the ultimate projection. I guess what's most important is that we realized this behavior.

I do believe its all a script, a soap opera. I was telling my mother (my support) about this relationship and with no knowledge of BPD or anything stated " that girl lives in a perpetual soap opera, there is no concept or normalcy and if there is normalcy, she will create chaos" chilling but true.

I'm a lot better now, I think about the encounter from time to time and I quickly just say shut up deleted she wasn't good, you had this issue as well you need to deal with.