How does one get used to this?

[ladygabsalot]

So I am only new to the relationships with BPD and I'm currently in the wake of a splitting/projection moment and I'm seriously questioning what I am doing.

Today was going fine until my pwBPDbf has a crisis that made him intensely angry. He messages me straight away and told me (positive step) and even though he was immensely angry at himself and I was worried a downward spiral of self-loathing and hatred would start rather he seemed to hold it together enough to finish out the day at work and come home and converse as a semi decent person. That said there were some slight jabs and high tension still present. But I took it in my stride and let them pass rather than get my back up and fight them.

We had planned on spending the night together and spending some 'quality time' together, at his request... . However, this all changed at the simple request of my sister suggesting we watch tv together. I half heartedly agreed knowing i wanted to sit and talk with my bf regarding today and then next thing i know he is hold up in the bedroom watching a movie on his own. I approached him and tried to figure out if something was wrong to which I was met with so much hostility that granted i expected but was not at all prepared for. Anyways things got pretty nasty on his end and he said some things that were pretty mean. I tried not to JADE and tried to SET and surprisingly we didn't argue that much.

HOWEVER, the issue is that in 5 weeks we are moving to another country to work and travel etc and i just worry that I am going to experience these situations and be left on my own without any support system around. Right now it is ok I am surrounded by my family so the feelings of hurt that I currently have at him not wanting to spend time with me, shutting me out and being quiet nasty (which he blatantly admitted to me that he was with no apology) i can deal with because I have people to take my mind off it.

I am so worried that I won't have that when we move. I am worried that I will feel completely isolated and the only person that I will have as my support system won't want to be around me and will be shutting me out. How does one deal with this?

Furthermore, how does one know that as he is watching a movie right now and will soon fall asleep whilst I am out on the couch in the other room watching the tv, when we wake up in the morning everything will be ok. He will then apologise, if I am lucky, and then expect everything to be normal. I on the other hand will still be hurt as nothing was resolved and the night was 'wasted' in my eyes to spend time together that I feel we so desperately need. How do I do this? This is only a new relationship, 4 months and I understand this is not a big fight in comparison to what others experience. However the feelings of hurt are still huge for me. What if they get worse?

When it is great between us, it is fantastic... . When it is bad. It's so lonely. I just don't know how I expect my needs to be met in this kind of relationship where I am constantly to-ing and fro-ing depending on his moods. I know this sounds selfish but what about me? Who is there for me?

Sorry for the rant just feeling a bit overwhelmed and not sure that I am doing the right thing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hello ladygabsalot and

You've come to the right place for support and understanding of BPD behaviors plus a much better understanding of yourself.  A win-win combination

4 months in is a very new relationship, barely scratching the surface of getting to know someone.  It makes sense that you'd feel hesitant about moving to another country with this person, losing your support system along the way... .   Hope you're giving this very serious thought.

We had planned on spending the night together and spending some 'quality time' together, at his request... . However, this all changed at the simple request of my sister suggesting we watch tv together. I half heartedly agreed knowing i wanted to sit and talk with my bf regarding today and then next thing i know he is hold up in the bedroom watching a movie on his own.

Can you empathize with your bf, put yourself in his shoes?  He requested spending quality time together, you agreed, until your sister requested watching tv together.  So then you agreed with her, even though you originally had plans with your bf for 'quality time', but wanted to sit and talk with him regarding his day at work (crisis that made him intensely angry).

The wind is blowing in all kinds of different directions and you're along for the ride, sounds like... .

Have you had a chance to read the Lessons?  You've mentioned JADE and SET (), how about Boundaries?  Do you know what yours are?

I didn't have a clue about boundaries until I came to bpdfamily.com.  It felt like I was a victim of circumstance until understanding that I hold the keys to my life... .   I could not expect other people to treat me with respect if I couldn't treat myself with any... .   And if I wasn't treating myself respectfully, I probably wasn't treating others respectfully either, even though I thought I was... .   I was actually pretty darn controlling, because my life felt so out of control.

Please stick around and read and learn all you can... . 5 weeks is a very short time away to do something as life altering as moving to another country with someone you've only known for 4 months, that you're already experiencing difficulties with... .

The choices we make are always ours.  It's so liberating when we embrace our own philosophy and live according our very own values.

I'm glad you're here




 

[AnitaL]

The response by 123Phoebe is very wise and helpful.  I too am considering a move that would take me away from family, and worried about the isolation.  However, in my case it is with three kids and a 20 year relationship.  Only you can make the choices that are right for you, but please do consider carefully that if your bf really has BPD, this kind of episode is likely to happen regularly.  You can set boundaries to help YOU, and find ways to help yourself and meet your needs, but he is unlikely to be able to meet your emotional needs in the way someone without BPD might.  Is there any way to put off your move while you explore/build your relationship further?  Is this a move you would be making without the bf as well, for yourself? 

[Vindi]

your gut is probably telling you the move is not ok... . don't do it!

I am one who did move, and regretted it, finally moved back to my homestate near my family and friends and that was the best choice of my life, to move *back* home... . it drained alot out of me to make the move in the 1st place, it takes alot of time and energy to "pack up everything and move, then unpack" as well as expenses to do this!

So please think hard b4 making such a drastic choice.


And, yes, 4 mos into the relationship is not a long time at all... .

please go with your gut and stay put and don't move... . your gut is telling you something, that inner voice is shouting out... . don't do it!

[Grey Kitty]

You have indeed found a good place for support here. You have already got some great thoughts here.

HOWEVER, the issue is that in 5 weeks we are moving to another country to work and travel etc and i just worry that I am going to experience these situations and be left on my own without any support system around.

I'll not say what is right or wrong for you--I really can't do that.

I will confirm that this sort of idea is pretty much guaranteed to bring out at least some of the worst side you see of him... . unless he and you are both such seasoned travelers that this plan is easier than staying put!

More worrying is that unless you personally have very good boundaries, his bad/abusive/raging behaviors will probably tend to escalate over time, especially since this is in the beginning of your relationship.

OTOH, since this is a new r/s, you don't have a lot of patterns where he does walk all over you strongly established, making it easier for you to only allow reasonably healthy interactions with him.

Stick around here and let us know how things are going!

 GK

[ladygabsalot]

Thanks to everyone that replied and your words of encouragement and wisdom.

I know going away after such a short time may seem drastic and I should explain our situation further. Even though we have been only officially together for 4 months we have known each other for 10 years and been extremely good friends for a year prior to commencing a relationship. Having said that its only since I have been in the relationship that I have experienced his  moods and the full extent of BPD.

As I expected in the morning we discussed what happened last night and we both agreed that the situation could have been handled a lot better from both of us. We also had a couple appointment with his T yesterday and upon explaining the situation she reiterated the fact that I have boundaries and he needs to understand them and respect them regardless of how he is emotionally feeling at the time and under no circumstances is it ok to be nasty or punish me for his feelings.

I would say that 90% of the time our relationship functions as a 'normal' relationship in that He is emotionally there for me and supportive.  I guess its just moments like the other night that admittedly I was feeling Low and hurt that I expressed them here.

I am still going away with him but we have another session with his T before we go and I have a single session to assist me in helping to reinforce my boundaries once they have been set. I know moving is not going to be easy all of the time but I dont think any relationship would handle it without ups and downs.

[Vindi]

whew, i am glad you have known him for 10 years, thats a big difference, and i am sure being in the relationship is different too, I do wish you the best when you move and please keep the support system going, so you won;t have that empty feeling if thing don't go the way you plan.

And yes, keep firm on your boundaries and again I do wish you the best!

[123Phoebe]

We also had a couple appointment with his T yesterday and upon explaining the situation she reiterated the fact that I have boundaries and he needs to understand them and respect them regardless of how he is emotionally feeling at the time and under no circumstances is it ok to be nasty or punish me for his feelings.

What were your boundaries in the situation described in the first post of this thread?  What will they be moving forward?  :)oes he need to respect them, or do you need to?

Knowing someone, being just friends with them, then moving into a romance are 3 distinctly different stages of a relationship.  BPD affects those closest to them = intimacy.

I'm seriously questioning what I am doing.

i just worry that I am going to experience these situations and be left on my own without any support system around.

I am so worried that I won't have that when we move. I am worried that I will feel completely isolated and the only person that I will have as my support system won't want to be around me and will be shutting me out. How does one deal with this?

How do I do this? the feelings of hurt are still huge for me. What if they get worse?

When it is bad. It's so lonely. I just don't know how I expect my needs to be met in this kind of relationship where I am constantly to-ing and fro-ing depending on his moods. I know this sounds selfish but what about me? Who is there for me?

just feeling a bit overwhelmed and not sure that I am doing the right thing.

Please be sure you're going into this with your eyes wide open.  Your romantic relationship is a wee 4 months old and you're already really worried.

What's stopping you from listening to your gut?

[MaybeSo]

Who will be there for you?

YOU WILL.

If you don't know how to be there for yourself, or are unsure what that means,  start learning right now, regardless of who you are dating.

[ladygabsalot]

Hi all,

Thanks all for your replies and words of wisdom.

First of all I would just like to clarify that my bf was diagnosed with BPD 12 months ago and since then he has been actively involved in his treatment and working hard to learn about BPD and try to learn the ways to deal with his intense emotions and feelings of abandonment.

I do want to apologise for the catastrophising I displayed here in the initial thread. Regrettably I have to admit that whilst writing that post I was very hurt because of the fight and I had consumed some wine so I will admit I was feeling extremely sorry for myself and very down about what was happening. Again I am sorry for that.

I appreciate and understand everyone's words of concern, however I have to admit I am slightly taken back by some or most of the responses to this. My boyfriend is a beautiful, caring and loving person and 90% of the time it is like being in a relationship without BPD. The part that I am unused to, or rather the part that I was crying out for help about, is getting to know how to deal with this. The 10%.

Since my time being here at this forum I have read a lot of other threads and to be brutally honest I feel so sorry for some of the people in relationships because the bad times of physical aggression and violence is something I am not subjected to ever, and the responses to those threads are supportive and caring... . however I do have to admit that has not been the case here. If I was undecided about whether I was staying or going I would have posted in the 'undecided' or 'leaving' sections. 

I am not saying travelling is going to be easy but I couldnt think of anyone else I would prefer to see the world with and I only wish that we would also post the wonderful stories about our pwBPD as it seems to be that we concentrate on only sharing the more negative events. Trust me I am glad that there is a place for people to come and vent with like minded people. However when I tried, the message from most people was to leave him and dont go travelling.

Anyways thanks again. I have taken on board the SET and DEAR and will continue to do my research. I may not be posting here again as I just feel that I needed strength rather than being told to leave. However I respect others opinions on here so thank you once again.

[123Phoebe]

Hi ladygabsalot,

I want to apologize if anything I've said has given you the impression that I think you should leave your bf.  That was not my intent.

We're here to support you and every other member get a better understanding of what all being in a relationship with a pwBPD entails... .

All we can really do is go by what is posted and respond to that.  We're here to work on ourselves for the most part.

It sounded (to me) like you were really worried about moving and traveling with your guy.  From the tone of your post, I believed you had a right to be.  Questioning what you're doing and feeling overwhelmed that you're not doing the right thing, didn't sound to me like someone who is 90% sure of packing up and moving their relationship to another country.

It's not my place or anybody else's to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, which is why we very strongly recommend focusing on ourselves and getting in touch with what our gut/inner voice is telling us.  Very often, we don't do that for a variety of reasons that don't even become clear to ourselves until much much later, when we're feeling overwhelmed and completely confused as to what in the world happened to the love of my life and all the dreams that were promised... .

BPD is a very serious disorder.  I'm glad to hear that you and your guy are taking it seriously and that 90% of the time things are wonderful between you two... .  

As far as the other 10% goes, read and learn all you can, because you will need a lot of strength to carry you through... .   There's more to it than learning how to communicate with him using certain tools.  You figure into the equation, your happiness and well being will be at stake.  It's imperative that you learn how to care for yourself, so you're not swept away by his behaviors... .

I don't mean this as warning or a deterrent from moving forward with your man.  I've been with mine for a very long time and I can tell you that our relationship looks nothing like what I 'dreamed' it would.  It's wonderful in so many ways (like yours!), but there have been times that my patience has been put to the test and I have been ready to bail.  That's when knowing our own boundaries and limitations comes into play and we speak our truth.  We don't let a BPD diagnosis stop us from standing up for what we believe in.  And we don't expect our pwBPD to be any different that who they are 'today'.

No more wishful or magical thinking... .   Radical Acceptance of what is, is the best way to handle our lives.

There's a lot of experience on these boards.  Some things will speak right to you and other things not so much.  I'm sorry that you don't feel well supported.  We care about you and your feelings and want you to feel that this is a safe place to express yourself.

If we haven't walked in your shoes (in some way shape or form), we probably wouldn't be as up front as we are about what you've expressed... .

This is the Staying Board.  You're staying   So what is it that you're specifically wanting help dealing with?  His intense emotions and feelings of abandonment?  For yourself, or to make him feel better?

Again, I'm glad you're here