What to do?

[MichiganGirl]

I'm fairly new here -- only posted a couple of times, but I need some advice.  My uBPD husband was going along OK for about 3 days, and then had a setback at work.  To me, it was mild -- could have been dealt with in an email.  To him?  Disaster.  Of course, he started screaming, raging, and blaming me.  I left for a little while (boundary), and when I came back, he apologized for yelling at me, but still blamed me for being uncaring and... . whatever else.  At one point, he said he wanted to kill himself.  I was trying to be sympathetic, but eventually it seemed better to let him just cool off.  Now, he's saying that our marriage is dead because when he's suicidal, I don't care and am just inconvenienced by it.  Help?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 

You need to stand your boundaries, and learn those skills, the more you know the better for you. it could get worse before better due to you are changing yourself and he might not like this. I know mine didn't He started out raging like three times a week never ended. then i learned the skills and boundaries started to apply them and things only got worse but like a child once they know you won't give in . things do get better, at least for me they did. This was 15 years ago and he hardly ever rages any longer, we are going through a touch time now due to him getting a job and he hates change, but he is doing well.  so my advice is to read read read read what we have read the lessons--------------------------------------------------------------------------------->> >>

   it doesn't happen over night it is a long process. so in the mean time take care of you... .

[AnitaL]

Hopefully others will weigh in, but I think you have to be very careful about suicide threats.  My uBPDh casually says he's going to kill himself all the time, but has never taken any steps toward doing so. I initially would react with terror to these threats, calling a suicide hotline and asking for advice, and telling him I felt I would have to call 911. He was furious at this idea, and I never did it.  I understand now that when he mentions how I'll be glad when he's dead, how I want him to kill himself, etc. it is an attempt to get that level of emotional reaction out of me to start a cycle of fighting/raging/blaming, so what I do is I ignore it and it stops, usually fairly quickly. 

However, YOU need to follow  your own instincts.  If you think there is truly a risk he might kill himself, you may need to call 911. If you think he's like my situation above, I would keep doing what you're doing (let him cool off).  It sounds like he's trying to bait you into a more sympathetic response, but it's hard to give advice without knowing if he has a history of attempts at hurting himself.

It's so hard to be in that position.  I really feel for you. 

[MichiganGirl]

Thanks to both of you. The lessons have been EXTREMELY helpful. I can't even tell you. Before I found this site I thought I was losing my mind. Anyway, my instinct is that it's -- like you said -- an attempt to get an extreme emotional reaction out of me. But I also know that, in general, you don't ignore suicide threats. So, I wanted some advice. I also just cannot figure out why anyone would create this kind of emotional turmoil on a regular basis. I know the answer is probably just that it's a disease, but since I've quit reacting to his outbursts as much, I can see that he's on this roller coaster with or without me. I used to think I caused it. I wish I could understand why a bit better. Yick.

[AnitaL]

I know just how you feel, on all counts. 

[Grey Kitty]

Suicide threats are tough. Because they are serious, and need to be taken that way. And they are scary. They also can be used as an attempt to manipulate you, and you do want to be careful about how you reward that sort of behavior.

I recommend you read this link. One of the best points in it is that getting external support (like 911) is great, but 911 isn't the only choice.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I'd like to offer you more thoughts... . but it is my bedtime.

Wishing you strength... .

 GK

[MichiganGirl]

Thanks. I read your link, and it was helpful. I will also bring the issue up with my therapist the next time we meet. We had, like, 2 days of calm, but now I'm evil again, and he's sleeping.  Again.  Anyway, thanks for all the help. I'll keep trying to hang in there :-)