Cruel actions and BPD

[clover528]

I have read so many posts and articles and the word "cruel" seems to come up often. I am trying to connect the dots here for myself and haven't come to an answer as to why they must be so cruel to us? I know I am not alone in the cruel things that my expwBPD has said and done. I realize misery loves company. But my WORD! They really can go for the jugular.

Rude comments, pictures, all of the snide remarks with the obvious intention of doing the most harm.

I wonder if this is learned behavior from past abuse, or possibly some inner pain they are trying to spill out so they don't have to feel so horrible or both? Or none of the above.

I am trying to understand this illness as much as possible so as to learn about my own reactions. My hope is to be able to see this with a clearer view instead of feeling the guilt and shame the remarks etc, inflict on me. I hope this makes sense.

As I learn more about why this is happening, I am doing some serious behavior modification. Positive self talk. Logically separating truth statements from the lies I tell myself. I am seriously trying.

[Peabody]

Clover, that is a good synchronicity you have found within our stories. The fact of the matter is that our BPD loved ones do not know that they are being cruel, in their eyes the confetti is falling from the sky from whatever they are doing in the moment. They may have a hint of self realization but that will be overwhelmed and washed out by the power of the "present moment." We do not deserve to feed a relationship love and be replied with selfishness and cruelty, yet we put ourselves in that situation and bear with it just because it is convenient. Anything negatively they project out to you is really a mirror projection from what they are truly hurting from. My exwBPD would say cruel things out of no where just to garner a reaction out of me and those with BPD feed off your reaction! This may be one of the reasons.

Do not feel any guilt or shame, none of this is because of you. Keep yourself positive and active doing what you love and never give up, every day is another step into the bright side. I have made it a month later, and so can you.

[atcrossroads]

It is overwhelming and baffling, and I don't know if I will ever be able to fully wrap my mind around the disorder/illness.  It's as though there is an angry demon inside my once loving and affectionate husband, who is hell bent to hurt me and destroy me now.  I'm in midst of smear campaign (we work together, so I don't know if these smears eventually fade, or if I will have to cope with the cruelty and lies forever... . oh boy).  

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I know it HARD.  :)o you have good support and/or a therapist to help you cope?  Are you together or apart?  

Peabody, great response!  

[clover528]

Peabody, I agree that they have the confetti falling from their skies. That's the part the gets to me. All the cruel things and he seems to get such satisfaction out of knowing he really hurt me. Laughed in the past about how he had deliberately done things to be "cruel". He even said he was proud of being able to hurt people that way. So, I know at least in some capacity my ex is very aware of his cruelty. I am sure there were times he was unaware of his brash behavior. However, he was proud of his most cruel behaviors.

At crossroads, you said my thoughts exactly, baffling and cant wrap my brain around it all. But this site is a God send.

Thank you both for the input and replies.

[clover528]

At crossroads, I can not begin to imagine how difficult it must be to have to deal with a professional smear campaign. They are beyond awful in how the talk about us when we are painted black. I have been called psychotic, been accused of vandalism, accused of physically attacking him, said I had lied and used him.  I have no idea what all he has said. Those are just a few things that have gotten back to me. I hope beyond all hope that you can be strong enough to let the words fall away from you. They hurt so much. Just stay strong in the knowledge that you know yourself and your intentions. He can do nothing to alter that unless you allow it. Also, rest assured the ones who listen instead of seeking the truth are not ones you need to associate with, even and especially professionally. Those who know you and your work with know your true worth and not listen to fabrications. Hang tough.

Yes I have a therapist and some really good friends and  family who is being very supportive. This is no ordinary breakup though. It is getting harder for them to understand just how hard this is. (my T understands of course, the friends and family are trying to) This site is a great help also.

Thank you for the input. Again, knowing we aren't alone is a comfort.

[Clearmind]

I am trying to understand this illness as much as possible so as to learn about my own reactions.

Life is not always fair and will deal you people who will test your limits and boundaries. How you cope, respond and manage your own emotions and feelings are testament to where you are in your healing.

BPD/non relationship the foundations are shaky - we each bring our own issues to the table and both vie for a position in the relationship - we react instead of respond, we argue instead of stepping away and we contribute to the dysfunction due our own maladaptive coping skills.

Not everyone attaches to a Borderline and not every Borderline attaches to anyone - there is a need for both parties that they cannot fulfil on their own. Find your own truth, own self worth, reasons why there was a need to fix a broken person and why you stuck around despite the red flags. Put down the picking apart of your ex and look at your role clover. Discussing whether a BPD was cruel or not is really semantics that really does little to move you forward.