New member - lurking for a few weeks, now need urgent help

[1979Girl]

Hopefully I am posting to the right board, I debated between this and the in-laws board.  I am a married, 33 year old mother of three young children (5, 3, and 1) from Kentucky.   I come from a very small, tight-knit family... . it is just me, my brother (30), and my two parents.  My SIL (brother's wife) is diagnosed with BPD, and to get right to the point, has made all our lives a living hell. They met and married in a very short, whirlwind romance, and have been together for about 2.5 years now.  It has been nonstop drama since the beginning, and is tearing my entire family apart.  She exhibits many characteristics typical of BPD, but the most concerning to me are her out of control rages several times a month where she goes off on him and will scream, yell, rant, throw things, and sometimes becomes violent.  She has slapped, pushed, and punched him on multiple occasions.  However, she tells me that he does the same thing to her - which I find very hard to believe, given my brother's extremely quiet, docile (and frankly, pushover) nature.  She has called to tell me things like that he tried to choke her... . but will then later call and tearfully admit that he never really tried to choke her, that he was simply trying to get her to stop attacking him, but her reality in the moment was that his hand went near her neck and therefore she believe he intended to choke her.  I don't know if he has ever actually gotten physical with her... . he swears up and down that he hasn't.  Obviously, I don't have a hidden camera to peek in on what's going on in their house, and I don't even know what to think anymore.  All I know is that their relationship is unhealthy, he is putting up with behavior that is absolutely unacceptable (physical violence and the screaming, ranting outbursts).  

My biggest concern right now lies with the fact that they have a daughter who is 20 months old.  They have both admitted that she has witnessed screaming fights and physical attacks.  I am very, very concerned for her.  The environment that she is growing up in is totally unhealthy.  Tonight, things have gotten out of hand.  My brother had two beers over the course of the evening (so he claims), SIL claims he had much more and declared that he is drunk and she will not tolerate it, rages and rants at him, calls my parents to tattle on him and upset them with the situation... . then she threw their daughter in the car and took off. She is driving from KY to GA (where she is from originally).  She said she'll stay with family until he gets his problem under control.  Now my brother is in his car following after her.  This has been going on for the past two hours.  I am very concerned for my niece in all of this mess... . she does not need to be in a car, taken across state lines without her dad's permission, in the presence of someone who is frantic and emotional, being pursued by my brother.  It is so beyond ridiculous.  :)oes anyone have any advice for me, as far as how to handle this?  Should I contact someone with concerns for her safety?  The police?  CPS?  I don't want them to lose their child, but I do think they need a wake-up call.  They both need help - SIL has been seeing a therapist for months now, and things actually seem to be getting worse.  Brother went once (to get advice on how to deal with her), and never went back.  I actually just had my first appointment with a therapist yesterday to help me deal with the stress that their relationship has inflicted on me - but obviously I haven't been going long enough to get much help yet.  The one thing I took away from yesterday's session was to create boundaries with SIL and not feed into her drama.  I am not sure how to handle tonight's situation though - with her just taking my niece and running off, and my brother pursuing her?  Is it my business to intervene?

[Suzn]

Hello 1979Girl 

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your SIL. It sounds as though things are scary right now for you. BPD is a confusing mental disorder and can be painful for all involved. As hard as it is, no, it's not your place to intervene. It's very understandable to want to, this is a difficult place to be in. This situation is your brother's and hopefully it can come to a peaceful resolution soon.

You may want to pass on this information to him about the domestic violence and putting together a safety plan for himself.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Safety First

There are many members here who have inlaws with BPD and are very supportive. We can also help with the communication skills necessary for more successful interactions with your SIL. This may be helpful as well.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

It's great to hear you have sought a therapist for support. How are you coping?

[mamachelle]

1979Girl,



It's hard to be in these kind of situations. We can't give legal advice. I don't know what is going on and involving an authority figure may be appropriate.

However, tonight, it does not sound like they are doing anything illegal. It also does not fall under neglect just witnessing parental arguments or driving to see relatives. So involving authorities at this point seems like it would not be helpful but that is just my perspective.

I would tonight... . learn about SET-- keep the lines of communication open so you can figure out what is going on, If your SIL sees you as a friend or ally then that is good in maintaining a r/s with your niece.

Here are some links to look at that hopefully will help:

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?


mamachelle

[atcrossroads]

What a nightmare!  I am sorry that I don't have any advice on how to handle the immediate situation, but a BPD will do what they are going to do -- hard to stop.  She will likely come back with the child; you are absolutely correct that the situation is horrid.  The child could well grow up with a personality disorder too, and your brother will end up hurt and have to spend time healing.

I would suggest to your brother to just check out this forum.  Tell him you think it will help him, but make sure he reads/posts from work, or else deletes it from the history of his computer every time.  If his wife finds out he is posting, she will no doubt rage or worse.

BPD is HELL!  I feel for you and your family.  Your brother still has time to get help and/or get out.  Good luck.   

[1979Girl]

Thank you for the advice thus far, I've checked out all the links and found them useful.  I am going to refer my brother to the "Tools: Responding to domestic violence for men" link, as the discussion in that link would most certainly relate directly to his situation. 

The situation is (somewhat) resolved for the night.  Brother called SIL's therapist's emergency number to ask how to handle her... . her therapist contacted her and convinced her to come back home.  Brother is spending the night with our parents.  SIL declares that she wants a divorce (she says this at least once a month) and that he can't come home and can only see their daughter for supervised visits when she says it's okay (this also happens about once a month).  Usually by the next day, he is back home and they've "made up"... . until the next time.

My parents are so upset by all this that they are about to cancel their vacation.  They are supposed to be leaving Sun morning for a week in FL, but now think they have to stay behind to make sure nothing happens.  I told them to go, that the reality is there is nothing they can do, and it won't matter whether they are here or gone.  They seem bound and determined not to go though, I hope they change their minds.  I've told them they need to lay down some boundaries and stop allowing my brother and SIL and to draw them into their drama.  I stay out of it for the most part - but I am concerned for my niece's well-being.

[CBoo]

Sorry to hear of this.  The involvement of a child makes this much more difficult.

In my RL I work with children.  In my personal opinion, if you are remotely concerned that the child is in danger then call the police.  It may be a case of attention seeking, but it's not worth taking the risk. 

I wish someone had called the police when I was a kid!

Good luck xxx

[motherof1yearold]

I understand you badly want (and need) an instant solution to this. It's hard to watch this unfold.

As far as calling CPS- you will need to tell them HOW the child is in danger. You can't just say 'I suspect domestic violence is about to occur' . CPS will always check out ANY reports- but they do it on an urgency basis. For example- if you reported a sexual allegation about the child , they would check her out within 24 hours. Other reports have to wait in line.

I do have a question though, you say she just put the child in the car and took off? Does she have the child properly restrained in a 5 point harness (car seat) ? If not, do not hesitate to call at all! I'm sure it was just the way you worded it but it is worth asking.

[cpatlew]

I am so sorry that you have to watch this unfold with your brother. I have a DIL that acts just like this on a regular basis. It has been going on now for about 10 years. The last three have been the worse. My son has multiple times tried to leave her for the first 7 and the last 3 he has become resolved to this behavior being normal. His sister has attempted to be a support for him and now is in basic NC with him. He and his wife have made her the enemy even though she has never badmouthed or advised him to leave her. The only support she has given him is to continue to believe in himself. This has made it impossible for her to have contact with her nephews and niece. She loves them dearly but they have been fed lies about her. Tread very careful in your brother's relationship. Somehow the BPD will turn him and the children against you. I am now working on realizing that there is really nothing I can do to help my son but listen, validate and not let his misery take what joy I have in my life. I hope that your parents go on their trip and enjoy. There is really nothing they can do to change the path their son is going on. Only love him and wait.