At a standstill for big decision

[AnitaL]

I know many of you understand how difficult it is for pwBPD to make decisions.  My uBPDh is high functioning most of the time, EXCEPT when a big decision has to be made.  He has most trouble with decisions involving $$ or those that are primarily to do something for HIM.  I don't post too often because I (now) have three kids to take care of (D5, D3, and new 3 month old baby), but my story in a nutshell is that my H blames me for his lack of a career after having quit his first choice (law) and burning all his bridges in that field.  He resents my own career (college prof), which is not very lucrative and took a long time to establish, but provides a fairly flexible schedule and good benefits for our family and is something I have succeeded in.  He has been telling me for years that he just wants, needs, MUST go home (to his home state) if he is ever to be happy.  This would require us to switch coasts, which we did before kids, twice. 

Here's the current situation -- with the new baby, I have been off work since March, and have done some soul-searching along with a surprising, too-good-to-be-true month of real conversation with my H.  Babies seem to bring him back to me somehow.  I only wish it would last... .   Anyway. H had some real breakthroughs where he recognized that he can't seem to make any decisions and he is just so sad and stuck and angry.  He told me I should realize, though it's no excuse, that every time he acts angry with me he is 100 times more angry with himself.  He cried a lot, apologized to me for what a poor H he's been, etc.  He promised to get help.  I listened, more than I ever have before.  Something else that came from this conversation is that he does not want to be home with the kids, and desperately wants to get out of the house each day as a professional SOMETHING again.  I've told him I support him job-searching, going back to school, starting a business, anything he wants to do.  He is smart and talented and probably could do a variety of things if he could only get past the low self-worth and anger issues.  I also realized that, if possible, I really would like to stay home with the kids.  I never imagined I would, but I really think I'd love it and could be good at it, and he supports this 100%.  I offered to move back to his home state and become a stay-at-home mom and give him a chance to start over.  This is something we could do financially, with a bit of careful planning, thanks to some family real estate income we are fortunate to have. It seemed like this really helped ground him and let us be able to talk and plan like we used to early in our relationship.  He felt like I really heard and believed what he said he needed, and I felt the same.  I was so (naively) hopeful.

The problem is this--when it came to start making plans to move, give notice to my job, etc., he stalled at first and then lost it altogether.  First he started intensively looking at homes in our current area (?), and tried to convince me we shouldn't move after all, because it is a pipe dream to think he could make it and he's a loser so we should just do what's best for the rest of the family (i.e., not him).  But when we get close to making an offer on one house, he flips out because he'll never get "home", his life is basically over, and aren't I happy now for ruining his life, it all would be better if he'd never met me, etc.  When I suggest we stop looking at local homes and actively plan a move back to his home state, he finds numerous reasons why it can't work, alternately blaming me, the real estate market, and himself for missing out on his dreams.  Now it is getting too late for me to give notice without serious bridge-burning on my part, and D5 is supposed to be starting kindergarten but we don't even know where we're living.  We're at the point now where we're stuck here another year in limbo, because I can't make this decision unilaterally but he seems truly unable to make any kind of move.  I feel trapped, and anxious because D5's schooling is getting stuck in the middle of this.  If we move next year, she'll have to start all over again somewhere, make new friends, etc. 

Am I being hopelessly naive to think we could ever make a move like this?  How will we ever buy a house?  We are renting a 2 bedroom place in a very expensive area right now, and with three kids now we really need some more space.  At this point all I want is to get on with our lives, build a home for our kids, SOMEWHERE.  Any advice on how to help this happen?  I'm honestly at a complete standstill and am feeling so discouraged about the future. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[meplus1]

Completely understandable that you feel a bit confused in all that.  I'm newer here on the forums, but will give this a go... .   First off, Happiness is not a destination, it is our journey.  If he feels stuck here, and has stated that happiness can only be found on the other coast, and if you are accepting of this idea, I think that may be the best in the long run.  I think the combination of a big move AND expecting to be the sole income may have been too much at once.  Might have to take the "stay at home Mom" idea off the table for a bit, at least long enough to make the move happen for EVERYONE.  Understandably, your career takes time to cultivate and I do not wish to dismiss it at all, rather suggesting that offering to work might ease his fear of failure or success(or which ever).  Watch a youtube video in the TEDx series called "Turning Fear into Fuel"... . you will likely find yourself writing down:

1. Realistically, What if we fail? (and how to recover)

2. What if we do nothing?

3. What if we succeed?

Those few questions have revolutionized my feeling "stuck" for the past few years.  The past decade has been rough on our family, but it has been a downward spiral the last few.  About a month ago I snapped myself out of it, realizing something had to change.  Realistically, what if you both fail?  He would likely find a less paying job, and you may have to work until things smooth out, but at least happiness is within reach.  What if you both do nothing?  He will continue to feel stuck, continue to feel that happiness is out of reach, and you may feel confused along the way.  But what if you both succeed?  He gets ideal job, you get to be "stay at home Mom", happiness is achieved on multiple fronts. 

Best of luck in handling this.  If you would like me to throw in a few more youtube links for him or you, please let me know, cuz they helped me alot.  Take care.

[AnitaL]

First off, Happiness is not a destination, it is our journey. 

Thank you for your response.  I so agree with this statement, and only wish my H could feel the same.  I really like the framing of those questions and will definitely check out the TED video.  The thing is I have been trying to convince him for months that we should just TRY this and if we fail, we'll try Plan B, or C, etc.  He is the one who, perhaps because of his black and white thinking, feels that we can only make a move, buy a house, get a job, etc. if it matches up to his extremely high expectations.  If not, it's bound to be a disaster in his view.

Thanks also for your other thoughts about putting the staying at home with the kids on hold. He has been telling me he wished I would stay home, which is why I began considering it in the first place.  (My career has been a major sore spot for him, in part because he wished it for himself and in part because it is not enough financially to support us all.)  I actually do have a job offer out on the other coast (which believe me was not easy to get), but he is the one who has stalled on my accepting it for a variety of reasons -- because he didn't want to be a stay-at-home-dad and thought my commute would be too long from the place he wants to live, we don't have family help out there, he doesn't want the littlest one in daycare yet, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to get a job at all, wants to go back to school instead, etc.   So it's push and pull, black and white, and on and  on.  I'll keep trying, I guess.  In the meantime I guess I need to face facts and enroll D5 in our local kindergarten and arrange care for them here while keeping my current job starting back up in the fall.  I really thought we were going to actually make this move happen this summer but it's already almost August.  sigh... .

[AnitaL]

If you would like me to throw in a few more youtube links for him or you, please let me know, cuz they helped me alot.  Take care.

I forgot to say, yes, please!  Any links you have found helpful would be great.

[bruceli]

In my experience, PD's are the same no matter what coast they are on... . even in the middle of an ocean.  You can not run away from something that is in you... .

[AnitaL]

ah, I know, absolutely we cannot run away from the BPD.  I know it will still be there.  My question is whether there's a way to make a move WITH the BPD.  uBPDh doesn't even know he has this problem, but I can see the pattern of when it gets worse and better, and being on this coast is a source of many triggers for him.  I hope to regain that clarity where he recognized that he needs to get help.  And with or without changing coasts, we need to move to a larger home, very soon, but I cannot make this happen on my own.  I need him to be on board, even if only for practical purposes like signing papers, not to mention the other major hurdles of moving.  ugh.

[bruceli]

ah, I know, absolutely we cannot run away from the BPD.  I know it will still be there.  My question is whether there's a way to make a move WITH the BPD.  uBPDh doesn't even know he has this problem, but I can see the pattern of when it gets worse and better, and being on this coast is a source of many triggers for him.  I hope to regain that clarity where he recognized that he needs to get help.  And with or without changing coasts, we need to move to a larger home, very soon, but I cannot make this happen on my own.  I need him to be on board, even if only for practical purposes like signing papers, not to mention the other major hurdles of moving.  ugh.

As previously mentioned, mine got triggered on both coasts as well as on a tropical island.  Hell... . mine got triggered at Disneyland... . The Enchanted Kingdom

[bruceli]

ah, I know, absolutely we cannot run away from the BPD.  I know it will still be there.  My question is whether there's a way to make a move WITH the BPD.  uBPDh doesn't even know he has this problem, but I can see the pattern of when it gets worse and better, and being on this coast is a source of many triggers for him.  I hope to regain that clarity where he recognized that he needs to get help.  And with or without changing coasts, we need to move to a larger home, very soon, but I cannot make this happen on my own.  I need him to be on board, even if only for practical purposes like signing papers, not to mention the other major hurdles of moving.  ugh.

As mentioned by many others on here... . best to have a plan B just in case... .

[AnitaL]

As mentioned by many others on here... . best to have a plan B just in case... .

Yes, I think I've just been too scared/in denial to start making plan B, but the time has come.  Thanks for helping me see this.

And I know it's true, he'll be triggered wherever we go.  I guess I was thinking it could be good to get a "new" start in a place we'd both enjoy living better than our current surroundings, but there may be too much to lose in doing this.  And he's so dysregulated right now I have really lost hope that we'll make this work.  It was fine to work on improving our communication as long as we had no major life decisions in front of us, but this may just be too much for us to get through.  I'm so sad about this, for me, for him, and for our kids.  I so wish he could get the help he so desperately needs.

[Chosen]

Hi AnitaL,

I can so feel for you... . my uBPDh is unable to make decisions too!  And I can only imagine how difficult it is, with kids, a career to juggle, and to have to make such big decisions like whether or not you should move across the country.  Your H may think that moving is the solution to the problem, but what I found is that pwBPDs seem to always believe this is a magic solution to their problems... . "if only hit__ then it would have been alright".  I'm thinking that whether or not your family moves, his BPD will still follow, and he will still find something wherever you are that "makes" his life difficult.

I think it's worth sitting down and thinking what is it that *you* want, and try making plans for it (of course adding to what he wants too).  OK, so he may not enjoy it, but at least it's not a life you both won't enjoy and may end up blaming each other. 

[zaqsert]

Hi AnitaL,

What you are going through seems really tough.

I agree with what others have written above and Chosen most recently.  My uBPDw has gone through quite a few "if only hit_ then I will be happy" over the years.  And I went along with them.  Over time, I noticed that her "if only hit" often changes, and when we do it then it often does not bring any more comfort or happiness.  So it becomes even more important for me to figure out what I want, and what is best for our D2, and then find a way to advocate for it.

What do you want, regardless of what you think your H may want?  It's ok to include timing in this (e.g., it's too late to give notice this year, so ... . ).

What do you feel would be best for your children?

Then, what do you feel would be best for your H?  Do you believe the choice of coasts will really make a difference, or may that just be more of an "if only hit"?

You will probably have to be the strong and steady one in your family.

A few more thoughts from my recent move with my uBPDw and our D2.  It was a temporary move for work, but a big move nonetheless.  As you approach the decision, I think it will be important to validate his myriad feelings that will come up (remember to validate the feeling and don't validate any facts that you do not believe in).  And clearly communicate dates or events after which you cannot change your mind.  If he changes his mind after these dates or events, you may need to lovingly validate his feeling, then remind him that he had a chance to make a different decision, and that you ("we" in your case) already made the decision.

In my case, my W had proposed the move in the first place.  She was really looking forward to it.  But then a few things started not working out as she had hoped, including the choice of country that we moved to.  She started complaining but continued to say, even to our marital T, that she was prepared to make the best of it.  From the day we landed in our new place, her story changed.  We supposedly had moved against her will, and I was putting her through hell.  It took me a few months to come across BPD and this website.  I can't say whether things would have happened differently if I had approached it differently.  Maybe.

Now that I've been using the lessons and tools from this site, at least things are generally more stable, with less name-calling and accusations.  By my W has yet to do something that might help her get to know people here and help her enjoy her time here.  She spends most of the day watching TV.

But, back to you.  What do you want in all this?

[4now]

Hello,

Of course this is your life and you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, but I would strongly caution against becoming a full time stay at home mom with a BPD spouse.  I have been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years and while I don't regret it, especially for when the kids were just babies, I think I put up with a lot of bad behavior because I had no way to support myself. 

If you have other income you can rely on, while staying at home, I would say maybe it's workable.  It's important to remain financially independent or be able to do so in a relatively quick fashion.  Also, don't discount the social aspect and sense of purpose a job can give you.  You will need to work extra hard to make sure you keep a balance and not rely on your h for your support, socially, emotionally and financially.

Just my two cents!

[AnitaL]

Thank you zaqsert and 4now for your thoughtful advice and shared stories.

zaqsert, your w's actions before and after the move are almost identical to my h's with our past move 6 years ago to our current location. 

and 4now, i do believe you're right.  it's probably not a smart thing to do for me to stay home now and give up my position, especially alongside a major move. i was naively hoping that i could do what I truly want and what I think is best for the kids, but due to the BPD it just doesn't seem likely to end well.

and to update the situation, H immediately started in attacking me this morning, which is how we ended last night before bed.  when i told him i didn't think we could go out even for a visit to his family on the other coast this summer because he is so angry and volatile, he put his fist in front of my face and said he'd kill me, followed by "believe me, someday i will". 

So, I guess the move is off.

Now the question is whether the marriage is too.  This is not the first time he's done this (I posted about it the last time too, 2 years ago).  Last time he promised to get help, saw a T that went nowhere, and here we are again.  I honestly do not know whether to initiate leaving immediately or to even talk to him about any kind of future together being married. after the threat, I told him "I'm done being treated this way, our marriage is done, that's it". He immediately knew he blew it and tried to prevent me from leaving the room with the baby, insisting we had to continue with plans to move.  I said he was frightening me, and that I wasn't getting on a plane anywhere with him.  After finally getting out of the room, he followed me around the house until finally leaving for a walk, then going back to bed at 9am.  I had the kids all day while he slept (his most horrible behavior always is on a major sleep deficit), and we just came home a little while ago.

I can tell he's panicky now but I have no idea what to say  or how to behave.  I think I need to enforce a boundary that I will not engage him or be engaged in conversation until I feel ready to do so, and I am NOT ready.  I'm thinking of telling him that I will be planning to stay with the kids in our current home, with my current job, and will only consider staying in this marriage with him if he goes back to therapy, this time with someone to work on managing his anger rather than career counseling, which is what he seemed to think the other T was for (he complained that the T "didn't come up with any solutions" to his problems, and I think the T is the one who "fired" my H. 

Either that, or it's time to switch boards... . this is so hard.

[zaqsert]

This is hard.  I'm sorry you're having to go through it.   

I think I need to enforce a boundary that I will not engage him or be engaged in conversation until I feel ready to do so, and I am NOT ready.

How are you feeling about enforcing the boundary?  Need a refresher of the lessons (on the right of these pages) since it may have been 2 years since you've had to use these tools?  Want to start a thread on the topic to get input from others here?

I'm thinking of telling him that I will be planning to stay with the kids in our current home, with my current job, and will only consider staying in this marriage with him if he goes back to therapy [... . ]

This is an important one, but I will leave it to others to comment on, as the one somewhat similar experience I had was over 3 years ago, and about 3 years before I learned any of the lessons here.

[AnitaL]

Thanks for the responses.  I've been all over the place today, from wanting a divorce immediately to thinking tonight that this kind of escalation and anger on my part is exactly what he's aiming to get out of me.  It makes me as "bad" as him.  I won't talk to him, I don't want to be in the room with him, can't even look at him without getting upset.  So there's his excuse to treat me poorly -- I'm the one who's being uncommunicative.  He pushed me finally to a response after years of my de-escalating using all the tools i've learned. 

So here's my thought/question:  after a spouse says that they want to kill you and someday will do so, is it completely insane to stay with this person?  If I view this as a last-ditch, desperate way a struggling pwBPD came up with while dysregulated to evoke a strong, negative response from me, am I justifying behavior that should be unequivocally unacceptable?  I guess I feel like I hear "normal people" whispering in my ear that no self-respecting person would stay in a relationship after being spoken to and threatened like this.  But I know that our relationship can never be normal.  It will always be a struggle and there will always be low points like this. I just don't know where that line is anymore. I guess I've been lulled into thinking I had things under control over the past couple of years, but clearly I have a lot of work to do in thinking about my boundaries about what behaviors are tolerance, relationship-ending behaviors for me.  It's like I can't trust my inner voice on this anymore.  I feel like I know my H, and I really don't believe he wants to hurt me, but I don't want to be a doormat either.  I don't know if this makes me terribly weak or very strong.  It's so confusing.

[Blazing Star]

Oh AnitaL       feeling for you.

You words feel very familiar to me, I agree I know it is hard and the swing between "WTH am I doing with someone who treats me like that?" and "Oh he didn't mean it... . "

I was about to reply to your last post saying how you sound strong and I liked your commitment to enforcing a boundary here and letting him know that it is not Ever Okay for him to say that to you. And then I saw the post just now and it sounds like you are wavering.

I think that it Is important to enforce the boundary, do not normalise his behaviour, he needs to know that this is not okay. Can you go somewhere for a few days with the kids? This is what I did when I had had enough and needed to let him know his violence (holes in walls, not directed towards me) wasn't acceptable to me anymore. I went to stay at a friend's for a couple of weeks, and like you I couldn't talk to him, I felt numb, I didn't have the words, I needed to sort out what I was feeling, to remind myself that this wasn't normal, to answer those questions "Am I over reacting?" etc.

I don't think by reacting to him you are reinforcing his behaviour, I think if you ignored it or brushed it off it would be reinforcing. That is a very serious (and awful and scary) threat that he made. I wouldn't take it lightly.

It really helped me to be away, luckily my friend was going away so I house sat for her, and her kids and mine are the same age so it was very easy. I did a lot of thinking, and getting in touch with my feelings, and also it showed him how serious I was, and it was a turning point for us.

He probably doesn't really want to hurt you, and in a calm time he would say as much, the important thing to remember is that he is not really in control of himself, so you need to do what you need to do to keep yourself and your kids safe.

Have you called a local DV line? It really helped me too. Even though I didn't feel it was DV as he wasn't hitting me it was still violence and my children were there. The DV person helped me see what I had been normalising.

Follow your gut, look after You. Please let us know how you go. We are here for you.

Love Blazing Star

[AnitaL]

Thank you Blazing Star, I needed that push.  I've spent the whole day trying to avoid being alone with him, as he keeps trying to bully me into "getting over it".  Holy extinction burst.  I had the kids out most of the morning, and I'm taking the kids to my parents' tomorrow.  He wants me to take the kids with him on a plane out just for a "vacation" to visit his family on the other coast, and I am standing firm that I am not going anywhere unless he shows that he is attempting to get some help for his volatile and frightening behavior.  He keeps telling me I'm making a big mistake, I'm a lunatic, etc. and that he's going to go himself and never come back.  I told him if that's what he wants to do, I'm not going to stop him.  That really set off a chain of threats (he'll change the locks, he'll "cut me off" financially, he'll tell my parents they're not allowed here anymore, he'll take the kids, or he'll leave and the kids will lose their father... . )  I told him that I'm done taking the blame for all the decisions in his life, and that I do not feel safe around him anymore after what he said to me.  I"ve repeated what he said numerous times so he can't pretend it didn't happen or let it fade immediately, both in my mind and his.  I'm scared and tired.

I also called my local police DV line but only could leave a message.  THere's an alternate number and an email, but I haven't been able to be alone to make the call -- I really don't want to leave the kids and my H is in the apartment with me now (he keeps going out briefly and then coming right back in, despite my asking him to give me some space).  I know he'll try to stop me if I just grab all the kids and go, plus with my 3 we can't just leave in a rush.  Two are napping at the moment, and I really don't want to traumatize them with a big confrontation if I can help it.  He has been trying to be with at least one of the three all day, a calculated move on his part I think.  He practically grabbed the baby from me earlier as I was trying to get him down for a nap.  I'm debating whether to write an email to the DV officer --- something -- what? -- is stopping me from making a permanent record of this.  I haven't even told my own parents or sister who both know H has issues with depression and is unhappy living here. 

I'm so in over my head with all this. 

[zaqsert]

I'm debating whether to write an email to the DV officer --- something -- what? -- is stopping me from making a permanent record of this.

If you want to post a question to the [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody board, members there can tell you more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

You probably know, but otherwise just keep in mind that unlike the Staying board, members there are likely in various stages of legal proceedings and divorce.

I'm so in over my head with all this. 

Well, you do have a LOT going on right now, plus with 3 kids in tow.  There are lots of nice, helpful people here whenever you need the support -- many who have been through similar experiences.

 

[Blazing Star]

Anita  , could it be fear that is stopping you from making it a permanent record? Like it is admitting it in black and white? It was telling someone that really helped me, a friend whom I trust. I only told family once I was out of the house.

Mine used to make threats like that too "I will leave you, is that what you want?" I see it now as projection coming from his fears of abandonment. It is not a nice thing to be threatened.

What a shame about the DV line, could you try some kind of crisis line instead, when you have a chance alone? Please please look after yourself.

He needs to know that this is not something to merely 'get over', it's great you are saying changes need to happen, remember that actions speak louder than words.

Have you thought about going to a Women's shelter - they are set up for kids etc, and are safe and would be a good place for you to take some space and perhaps have someone to talk to, and will show him that you are serious about protecting yourself and your children.

Zaqsert is right about posting on the legal board, they often talk over there of having your safety plan (you don't need to be in the middle of divorcing or whatever to seek advice there, lots of people have been where you are. The safety/exit plan covers things like having cash you can access, car keys, small bag with nappies/change of clothes).

It sounds like he is being quite controlling (always staying with one of the kids). I am sending you strength and courage. Please reach out to someone and tell them.

Love Blazing Star

[AnitaL]

Blazing Star,

Thanks again for your kind response.    I did call his dad and told him what was going on.  He has a push/pull relationship with him too, but I also thought it would be helpful for very practical reasons, e.g., my FIL and my H have a business together and so my H's threats about hurting me financially mean nothing without the agreement of my FIL.  I also wanted him to know that they are more than welcome to come out to spend time with the grandkids in case my H attempts to paint me as blocking his family from seeing them.  My FIL was supportive and offered to help in whatever way he could. 

Anyway, I finally broke through to my H this evening.  Every interaction we had today, I repeated the threats he made and told him we can go no further until he recognized the seriousness of what he said to me, and agreed to try again to seek professional help.  He finally did so -- he lost what I call the cold-dead-eyes look, and finally saw and apologized for the pain and fear he'd caused.  We agreed to just take a few days to get some space.  He recommended I take the baby out for a walk to take some time for myself while he gave our D3 and D5 dinner, and I did, coming back just for bedtime. 

We are now at least interacting in a civil way and that is a huge relief.  When I told him I would be taking the kids to my parents tomorrow, he told me calmly that he feels like I am "holding the kids hostage" by planning to take them away for the day without talking to him first, or the times when I won't let him hold our baby.  I told him I was just trying to protect the kids because he'd made me feel unsafe around him, but he is right, too.  If I'm being totally honest, sometimes I don't want to give my H the baby as a way to "punish" him rather than any real fear for our safety. 

I think the reason I have hesitated with going further with the DV line, police, etc. is that despite my H's words I truly don't believe he has it in him to hurt me.  He can be verbally very nasty when he's dysregulated, and I know this is still not okay -- but I have known him for 20 years and he has never physically harmed anyone, including himself, nor even done anything like punching walls, etc.   He tends to use exercise as a physical outlet, which also tends to deflate his rages.  (Truly I think this past week's heat wave contributed to this whole thing escalating, because his outlet was essentially removed.)  So I don't think heading to a shelter is necessary, but I do think the time has come for him to get some real help with changing his behavior patterns and managing his anger.  I will not let up on that front.  I will also work on a safe plan, just in case.  Thanks again for all the advice.  I still have a lot to think about.

[Blazing Star]

Great to hear Anita! Sounds like you have broken through, well done for your persistence and strength! And he has agreed to some professional help too!

I am so pleased you reached out to your FIL, its good you have the support of your inlaws. It sounds like you dealt with everything really well.

And it is interesting what you say about the exercise link, with mine it is sometimes the opposite, when he gets back from the gym it is better to stay out of his way, as he is keyed up, but also has really low tolerance, perhaps it is all the adrenalin for him? He is really sensitive to things on a biochemical level though.

Keep us posted. Make sure that he gets that help. And look after yourself too!

Love Blazing Star

[daylily]

Anita,

I just wanted to write to offer you some support.  I too have been in your situation.  I am a professional and I support our family (uBPDh, S5 and D2).  My H blames me for the fact that his career never took off, and resents my career.  He mostly stays home with the kids because his sporadic work wasn't enough to support the family.  But he resents that too.  He says it's my fault because if I weren't so successful, he would have been forced to pursue his own career.  He also blames me for not moving to the opposite coast with him (his home state) at the beginning of our marriage.  He is convinced that had we done so, he would be successful by now and would be supporting the family. 

When we were first married, I was willing to move across the country, giving up everything - my job, my proximity to my family, everything.  Then we started looking into the logistics.  I wouldn't make nearly enough money to support us over there, and though H's family was over there, his relationship with them has always been strained.  I thought we made a decision together that it wasn't going to work, but H later "reminded" me that I had forced him to stay.  Once our first child was born, though H still wanted to move, it wasn't about sacrificing my own needs anymore, it was about whether or not I was willing to sacrifice my child's needs by taking a risk and moving somewhere else where we may not be able to make ends meet and we wouldn't have the support of my family, who helps with child care and with whom my son was very close.  We never moved, and all I can say is THANK GOD.  It would have been a really bad decision. 

I have brought this up in another post before, but it really resonated with me.  Waverider on this site has really good analogies.  He once compared life with a pwBPD to walking a dog.  The dog wants to sniff this, pee on that, and you'll never get anywhere if you let the dog lead the way.  I find this is so true in my relationship.  My H too has problems making decisions.  He won't make them, or he'll make a decision and then change his mind.  I can't spend my life blowing in the wind like that, especially as I have children to support and protect.  They are ruled by emotions.  We can't live our lives ruled by the emotions of a mentally ill person.  I second some of the other posters who are asking what it is that you want.  Your H is going to get dysregulated no matter where he lives.  He's looking for an external fix to an internal problem.

Just my two cents.

  Daylily

[AnitaL]

Daylily,

Thank you so much for your words of support.  I have read many of your posts and have noticed quite a few parallels between our situations as parents of young children.  I truly appreciate your insight.

I've been trying to think hard about what I want for myself.  It is frustrating because I think what I want, in my ideal world, is the same thing my H wants -- to be able to stay home with the three kids for the next several years and have my H go back to work.  I also lived on the other coast for a decade of my life and loved it there, so I wouldn't mind going back.  It's like home to me too.  The trouble is in the real world, my H will probably never hold a real job again.  I don't think I can stand to have one more conversation about what he wants to do with his life.  I think it's been about 10 years now that he's been trying to figure it out, and at this point I think it's clear it's never going to happen.  So I have to trudge on and find daycare for the fall because he's so upset now about not moving that he's insisting he can't/won't stay home with the baby even a few days a week (what we had previously agreed upon).  I said fine, I'll arrange daycare, but it's not what I want.  He is just not stable enough for me to have what I really want.

So I am still muddling through trying to figure out how to deal with all this.  But I do know that I must be the rock of my little ones' lives, and that gives me strength as well as a source of joy in each day. 

Thanks again to everyone who has responded.  It means so much to me to connect with people who can understand the situation.

[Grey Kitty]

  You are sounding realistic and strong right now. Not happy about everything but accepting the situation as it is.

 Hang in there! Better times will come.