Ex has been calling every day to "check on me" and "see how I'm doing"...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exBPD bf has been calling me every day to "check on me" and "see how I'm doing".  He sometimes calls a couple of times a day.  Each conversations lasts about 15-20 minutes and are strictly platonic/amicable.  We don't talk about the relationship, our feelings, or anything along those lines.  I'm not sure what's going on here, or what dynamics are at play.  If I don't pick up, he'll call back to back and then text me to call him.  It's almost like he wants to make sure I'm still "there"? 

I don't mind being amicable with him.  During the times we've broken up and gone "no contact", it was tortuous to me.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I really, really missed him.  So, at least talking to him on the phone each day about nothing in particular gives me some comfort too.

It will just be interesting to see how this whole situation plays out.  I've made the decision to move on.  I've even begun talking to other men.  I went out on a date with one, and he's really sweet.  As a matter of fact, all of the guys I've been meeting have been sweet.  I'm moving very slowly with these other guys because I still have feelings for my ex.  But I do think that the fact that I'm dating again after 3 years shows that I am finally moving on.

It will be interesting though to see what happens if, say, I become serious with one of these other guys.  I wonder if my ex will want to be friends with me then.  Or vice versa.  Though, I think I could handle it better if he found someone else vs. him being able to handle me finding someone else.   I'm at the point now of acceptance. 

[Candace30]

My exBPD bf has been calling me every day to "check on me" and "see how I'm doing".  He sometimes calls a couple of times a day.  Each conversations lasts about 15-20 minutes and are strictly platonic/amicable.  We don't talk about the relationship, our feelings, or anything along those lines.  I'm not sure what's going on here, or what dynamics are at play.  If I don't pick up, he'll call back to back and then text me to call him.  It's almost like he wants to make sure I'm still "there"? 

I don't mind being amicable with him.  During the times we've broken up and gone "no contact", it was tortuous to me.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I really, really missed him.  So, at least talking to him on the phone each day about nothing in particular gives me some comfort too.

It will just be interesting to see how this whole situation plays out.  I've made the decision to move on.  I've even begun talking to other men.  I went out on a date with one, and he's really sweet.  As a matter of fact, all of the guys I've been meeting have been sweet.  I'm moving very slowly with these other guys because I still have feelings for my ex.  But I do think that the fact that I'm dating again after 3 years shows that I am finally moving on.

It will be interesting though to see what happens if, say, I become serious with one of these other guys.  I wonder if my ex will want to be friends with me then.  Or vice versa.  Though, I think I could handle it better if he found someone else vs. him being able to handle me finding someone else.   I'm at the point now of acceptance. 

[me757]

For 8 months I still talked to my ex like you do (although it wasn't as platonic) and I found that it was really delaying my recovery. I also wasn't emotionally available because of this. 2 weeks ago I decided to go NC because contact had plateaued my detachment. If you are ready to move on, I honestly think NC is the answer. I know it would be hard and honestly I wasn't able to do it (or at least try to do it) until now (8 months since we broke up). I'm reading this book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" and I just read that these kinds of BPD relationships don't ever really end until the non ends them, which in my case is so true. The BPDex will string you along, even if they are in another relationship, as a possible fall back. It's not fair. My ex continues to try to contact me still even though she is now married so I feel that this guy might do the same even if he is in a relationship. Just my two cents.

[Candace30]

Yeah me757, it will probably eventually come to "no contact" for us.  Even in HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, it's not recommended that you remain in contact with your ex following a breakup because it just delays the healing process.  Maintaining constant contact with an ex is just bad news all around for anyone. 

I have a feeling though that I am going to move on before he does.  Sure, he may find little flings and women to hook up with here and there.  But I am actively seeking a healthy, loving relationship that will lead to marriage and a family.  I'm not playing around.  I know what I want right now and I literally don't have the time to waste with my ex.

So, I definitely foresee me meeting someone good and getting involved in a nice, serious relationship within the next year.  I already have met some good prospects.  I think what will happen is my ex will have a fit when he sees me actually moving on, do something crazy and far out, and then we will have to go "no contact" from there.  I'm not doing any of this to make him jealous, just to make myself happy.  But I don't think he will be able to handle it; thus, "no contact" will commence. 

But for now, I'm just taking things one day at a time and accepting the present moment for what it is.  Perhaps I'm "using him" to get over him, just as much as he is "using me" to get over me.   

[Candace30]

The BPDex will string you along, even if they are in another relationship, as a possible fall back. It's not fair. My ex continues to try to contact me still even though she is now married so I feel that this guy might do the same even if he is in a relationship. Just my two cents.

And what you said above is just the nature of human relationships, I believe.  Ex's (even the non-borderline type) always come "sniffing back around" and like to know that you are still available.  It's almost like an ego thing - they want to know that they still "have" you.  Some of my non-BPD ex's still contact me from time to time, even those who are already attached.  It's an ego thing, I guess. 

[Suzn]

Candace it sounds as though you have reached some acceptance, some indifference regarding your ex. Maybe this would be a good time, for both of you, to exercise some controlled contact with some boundary setting? Knowing our exs will continue to "check on us" can keep us somewhat attached. Letting him know you will be in contact at a specific time, later, may be helpful for him to redirect his thoughts for a while, and you as well. Stick to that specific time, stretch that time out further and further each time and you may both be able to let go a little easier.

Him calling you over and over till you pick up is a controlling move on his part. He may very well know you are close to leaving him fully. You giving in each time is doing him no favors.

[mitchell16]

my exBPD is doing teh same thing. She wanted the break up and I told her not to call me anymore. I didnt hear anything fro her for 6 days. Then it started with a text. Then she just kept texting about every day several times and know she just called. I thinkng she just to keep me close and feel like I will still be here for her and not close her out of my life totaly. I was trying to figure it out but Ive just gave up trying to figure her actions out.

[tailspin]

I think "checking in with us to see if we're ok" is a weak projection of what they wish we would do.  It relieves their anxiety and, regardless of the words that are said, is all about them.  Ask yourself this Candice... . did it ever matter if you weren't doing ok?  If you had a bad day, did your ex DO anything to make you feel better?

Mine didn't.  He would ask how I was doing, but if my day wasn't going well, the conversation was really short. Future conversations involved "are you feeling better yet" and other probes to see if it was safe for him to reconnect.  Looking back, I wasn't allowed to have a bad day, because he took all his cues from me. He saw me as an extension of himself and when I felt bad, he felt bad.  I think your ex is continuing to use you to feel good about himself.

Once you remove the positive reinforcement he craves and receives during these conversations, he will most likely move on to someone who can give him these things.  You have to be willing to make some painful decisions in order to move forward with your healing.

tailspin

[Candace30]

IAsk yourself this Candice... . did it ever matter if you weren't doing ok?  If you had a bad day, did your ex DO anything to make you feel better?

Mine didn't.  He would ask how I was doing, but if my day wasn't going well, the conversation was really short. Future conversations involved "are you feeling better yet" and other probes to see if it was safe for him to reconnect. I think your ex is continuing to use you to feel good about himself.

Absolutely Tailspin.  I woke up to a couple of missed calls from him this morning.  He once told his friend that I was his "rock" and his "anchor".  I think he's using me (and perhaps has always used me throughout the relationship) to make himself feel good and keep himself balanced.  Which, a healthy partner is supposed to do (be your rock, friend, and support system).  The only issue is that we (the non's) don't get the same in return.

Like your ex Tailspin, mine doesn't really have much to contribute if I'm having a good day except to call back later and see if my day is any better.     But, I believe that this is all that BPD's are capable of.  This for them (asking if you are ok) might be the equivalent of a healthy partner rubbing your back, cooking you a meal, or stepping in to alleviate some of your burdens when you are having a rough time.  Maybe this is the best that the BPD's can do.  Perhaps they are giving us their best.

Mitchell16, like you, I've given up on trying to figure it out.

And Suzn, I've tried to set boundaries in the past ("don't call me because I need time to get over this" but it doesn't work.  And I don't feel right just ignoring his calls.

I've gotten to a point where his calls don't bother me.  I think if more was going on, they might.  Like if the calls were about more than mundane things (like our feelings or the relationship), or if we were actually seeing each other in person or being intimate.  But I think I can handle the phone calls. 

Like you mentioned Suzn, it's probably about control (calling multiple times until I pick up).  Or anxiety.  One thing I noticed throughout our relationship is that he presented as this extremely confident, handsome man to the world, but behind closed doors he had SOO much anxiety.  It was out of control at times, and I seemed to be the only one who was able to calm his anxiety.   

So, I don't know... . I'm not going to spend too much time analyzing it.  I DO like to hear from him (as long as it's not negatively affecting me) because I do care about him and want him to be ok (even if it's just in a platonic way), and it makes me feel good to know that this person that I have shared 3 years of my life with still cares.  Though, I won't get too attached to these daily phone calls.  I'm just going with the flow but still moving on with my life.