Don't know how to deal with grandkid's emotional pain

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Had another incident that has left me sad and confused. DIL allowed two of our grandkid's to spend the night giving them the opportunity to spend time with their cousins who they have not been allowed to be with for three years. Excited for everyone but nervous. Went fairly well until 9year old grandson had a meltdown and cried for missing out on the last three years with cousins and grandparent time. He proceeded to tell me that it was our fault and my daughter's fault. Again DIL dangles them out there then you hear how she has filled them with her lies. I love him with all my heart but it is difficult to not tell him all the truth without telling him of the horrible things his mother has done and my son has allowed her to do. How do you handle a situation like this without DIL taking away your precious grandchildren again? I don't think my heart can take it again. I am doing better with her keeping in mind all the tools I have learned but this is a tough thing that feels like there is a no winning solution. He then proceeded to tell me somethings about his home life that doesn't set well with a grandma.

[cpatlew]

Had another incident that has left me sad and confused. DIL allowed two of our grandkid's to spend the night giving them the opportunity to spend time with their cousins who they have not been allowed to be with for three years. Excited for everyone but nervous. Went fairly well until 9year old grandson had a meltdown and cried for missing out on the last three years with cousins and grandparent time. He proceeded to tell me that it was our fault and my daughter's fault. Again DIL dangles them out there then you hear how she has filled them with her lies. I love him with all my heart but it is difficult to not tell him all the truth without telling him of the horrible things his mother has done and my son has allowed her to do. How do you handle a situation like this without DIL taking away your precious grandchildren again? I don't think my heart can take it again. I am doing better with her keeping in mind all the tools I have learned but this is a tough thing that feels like there is a no winning solution. He then proceeded to tell me somethings about his home life that doesn't set well with a grandma.

[Delores]

I am new here but my daughter has taken away our grandchildren for over a year.  They were a huge part of our lives for 9 years.  I raised her apart from her abusive personality disordered father but he has now contaminated her with his lies.  She was exposing her children to him and my granddaughter ased me if he was mean and I could not lie to her.  Her idea of mean is when her brother will not let her play with a toy, so I did not think I was committing a mortal sin.  Daughter did think it was and cut us off. 

I know your pain.  I am allowed to talk to them on the telephone and they say things that worry me but I am almost helpless to help them.  Anything I say could end this one contact we are allowed with them.  All I can do is the best I can do and let them know that we love them and want them and pray that someday this will end.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, cpatlew 

This situation sounds really stressful and sad... . I'm so sorry you are having to deal with it! But, isn't it the coolest thing that you are getting to see at least 2 of your grandkids after three years? 

How to handle something like this if it happens again? Is it possible to validate GS's pain in missing out on the cousins and Grandparents, listening and comforting him and saying how sad it has made you, too, not being able to see him? And, instead of either validating that you and daughter were at fault or admitting to it since it's not true, just say that now things should be better and everyone will do what they can to make sure that "no contact" won't happen again?

He sounds like he really has absorbed all the pain and stress that this conflict with DIL has caused, and you and your family need to be there for him... . Especially since you are hearing/sensing that there is more of it going on inside his home that doesn't even involve you. He needs you so much; as he gets older and more cognizant of what is really happening he will even more... . I'm really sorry for all this pain, and so happy that you are there for him and at least contact has been reinstated... .

[cpatlew]

Hi Rapt Reader,

Yes, my heart is breaking for him. I just sat there listened to him, telling him I understood how he felt and told him that things will get better and we will always be a family. Reaffirming over and over again how much we, his aunt and cousins love him. I think that he is in turmoil because he is beginning to question his mother's lies and his father's lack of stopping them. I believe that she used him as a sounding board on her tantrums and didn't take in consideration (or didn't care) that he is a little boy and when you are little you believe your parents don't lie. I hope that contact is reinstated but know that she has done this before and if he gets too comfortable and loving to us she will find something even if she has to make it up and stop contact again. When she came to get him and his sister they didn't want to leave and kind of whined and got upset. This of course, started her becoming angry and things got a little agitated. I told her they were wonderful and she could be very proud of them and this seemed to smooth things over for now.

She is already lying and hiding things but letting us know just enough that it upsets us and not enough that others can figure out what she is up to. So I just take it one day and a time and seek advice how to make sure that my grandchildren know we love them and miss them without setting her off. I will say this disorder has many different levels to it but when they are as severe as my DIL seems to be they can do so much damage on so many levels. Even an innocent 4 and 9 year old get caught in the crossfire.

I pray everyday that she either seeks help or my son wakes up and stops any further damage from occurring. Maybe then this nightmare can end!