Need some help understanding...

[Blade99d]

Hello all,

I believe very strongly that my ex knew something was going on inside her.  She told me early on about having a fear of abandonment - i had no idea about BPD at the time, nor what she was telling me.  I didn't ask either.  Later as we would argue, she would call them rages.  In all my years, I have never used the term rage, but every book on BPD/NPD uses the term rage.  She would always  tell me I wasnt listening to hear, And I wonder now if this is what she was trying to tell me.  It could also be the FOG... .

Thoughts?

[ObiRedKenobi]

All I can speak to is my ex who is undiagnosed. She knows something isn't right but seeks to be normal and happy. Sometimes she's lucid enough to see she is shooting herself in the foot but always goes back to being the victim. I've considered trying to talk to her about possibly having some BPD traits and to seek help but have decided since I'm painted black I don't think it would do any good or might shut her down to anything anyone else might say about it. I thought about talking to some of her family and friends but since I'm the bad guy as far as they are concerned now I don't see that doing a whole lot of good. All I can do is sit back and pray for her.

[Clearmind]

Rage, abandoned fears are not purely BPD terms. I know I have abandoned fears too - which is what kept me in the relationship - I'm not BPD. I went completely napalm on my ex and I'm not BPD. We each contributed to some poor executive control.

Look at the behaviours and trust what you witnessed rather than concentrate on the label. None of us really know if they were BPD.

[Blade99d]

Great point clearmind.  While she def had BPD/NPD traits, there was also something about her that made me feel alive - alive like I had never felt.  Thats what is making this so damn hard to let go of.  My T asked me today, is it the person I miss, or the relationship that I miss?  I have to answer that it is both. 

[Clearmind]

Oh yes I felt alive too - that was the hook. For whatever reason I needed that injection of excitement because I was unhappy with my own life.

I certainly mirrored his good side and when things went south... . well... . we all know what happens then - complete devastation. This is not a normal break up and there is much to learn about us. Stay positive Blade and be kind to you.

[Blade99d]

Clearmind... . i told my T today, that the guilt I have over some things I said to her at the end are keeping trapped.  It could also be fear, or a combination.  I know people have said to forgive myself, but its easier said than done.  I made a comment to her at the end that was the worst thing I could have ever said... . went way beyond name calling.  Trying to understand why I have unhealthy relationships with women, and always play the fixer role. I have never had a healthy relationship, and wouldn't know one if it smacked me in the face.

[fromheeltoheal]

I needed that injection of excitement because I was unhappy with my own life.

Yup.

Even when I was enmeshed in it, I knew it just wasn't right.  Sure, people get pissed, but the amount of rage, and yes that word is appropriate, that came out of her was five times what would have been appropriate for the situation, at least.  I didn't consider it at the time, but I very much could have been the next Travis Alexander.  Scary.

[Blade99d]

Totally agree heel... . during our last text exchange she threatened to tell my friends, ex wife, anyone i know, that i was psycho... . her last text to me was dont underestimate what she can do to me... . this from someone who said I hope we never grow part.  When i told her i know what is happening to her with the splitting black & white... . all communication ceased from her.  That was 15 weeks ago and i immediately started seeing T that next Monday to address me.  It has been very enlightening, but also very painful, and there is still a lot of work to do.