His fear of abandonment

[pk]

I am ready for this BPD to be out of my life but he has severe abandonment issues.  I need to be free of him and of course I do not want him to commit suicide which he has tried several time recently.  How do I deal with his abandonment issues and still GET AWAY!

[TigerEye]

How do I deal with his abandonment issues

Your statement says a lot. Realising what is *yours* and what is *his* could be the first thing. There is a whole cloud of F.O.G. hanging over you at the moment, and being made to feel responsible for someone else's life is a MAJOR dose of it.

[GreenMango]

The leaving board lessons have suggestions on how to leave.  One is to become boring.  Withdrawl slowly.  A suicide watch plan is  good idea for the crisis points if you are dealing with attempts or threats.

Check out the home page for the how to leave resource.

What's the situation like right now... . living together, separated, occasional phone calls?

[pk]

Married, Living together (for 24yrs)  and I am about as boring as I can get, .  I have been carrying him on my back from crisis to crisis for years and I JUST CAN"T DO IT ANYMORE.  I wish him nothing bad but I can't stand the stress on my body anymore.  Several recent attempts of suicide and I have already accepted in my mind that that is the way he will die someday, maybe tomorrow, maybe 5 yrs from now but I am sure he will take his own life.  I am numb to him at this point and he can see and feel that and he keeps saying he will make things right and he will do anything to be with me and he can make me be in love with him again.  He is wrong.  I lost respect for him, I lost faith in him and I will never trust him again.

I am scared for him though - I don't know how to convince him his life is worthwhile.

[pk]

I HATE the "are you on the right board" banner!  YES< I need to get the hell out of here-

"Leaving" board is where I need to be!

[GreenMango]

Maybe its time to look - really dig into the choosing a path lesson on undecided too -  it will walk you through the process and all the little nuances that involve leaving?  27 years is a long time and things to sift thru.  Give it the thought it deserves as far as changes and a plan.

Compassion fatigue isn't only for health care workers.  

Do you have a therapist and an attorney?

[cska]

pk, I know how you feel, I felt the same way with my BPD ex. You have to really realize that you are not responsible for his actions. When I started to disconnect, my ex would threaten me with suicide on a daily basis, and I would call 911, but not get involved myself.

I know that you probably feel responsible for your husband, and its a very tough place to be in. But ultimately you are not responsible for his actions. You have the right to take care of yourself. I know, its a very delicate and hard position to be in. I wish you strength pk!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey pk, I echo cska: as hard as it may be to accept, you are not responsible for the life of another adult.  I have been in your shoes: my uBPDexW threatened suicide many times in our 16-year marriage.  After the first few threats, I realized she was crying wolf and that it was 99% that she would never go through with it, yet that last 1% could really get to me.  One T described a suicide threat is the ultimate manipulation, and she was probably right, as I came to see the threats as a form of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), perhaps with all three FOG factors combined.  It can be hard to separate the threads after a long BPD marriage/relationship, but I suggest you start with what You can do to heal and recover.  What is right for you will be right for all over the long term.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[pk]

Thanks to all of you who replied for your support and compassion.  He went to his T on Wed. night.  The same T that told me I was codependent and to pull back and let him be responsible for his own life.  She called me from the appt. and wanted me to pick him up and take him to the ER and wait with him as they evaluated for suicide etc. 

I said NO.  I hate it when they accuse me (accurately) of being co-dep and then they tell me to take care of him, protect him from himself, control him. . . Hellloo, that is Co-dep.

She knows we are separating. 

Anyway, somehow he got to the hospital and has been admitted in mental health unit and keeps calling me with a different manipulation eery 3 or 4 hrs.  When I quit taking his calls he convinced one of the nurses to call and manipulate for him!  Seriously!  I kid you not- she tried to manipulate me for him! 

Yes Green mango, it has been a long relationship and I have been struggling with letting go.   But things happened in my life (I learned of my fathers infidelity)  that made me realize I will NEVER EVER be able to trust him after all the women that he has drug thru our lives and trust is ultimate for a relationship, at least at this point in my life it is for me now.  He cannot ever be trusted- it would be ridiculous for me to think so.

Yes, I need out of the FOG... .   It is so nice to not have him here right now.