Stop the carousel, I want to get off.

[Taolady]

Hello, all. I am back again after a few years of relative peace. I am so glad this group is here.

I referred to wanting to get off the "carousel", but that's not really what I mean. Older members may recall a piece of playground equipment that was circular and had bars to hold on to, where you pulled it along in a circle until it was going fast, then you jumped on and went for a ride in a circle, sustained by its own momentum. I don't know what it's really called, but I called it a carousel. That's my metaphor for the dizzying, sickening, out of control feeling I get when my mother gets into one of her outrageous tirades. Mind you, I'm 58 and she is 79. You'd think I would have learned by now.

  Ah, see that little piece of judgement, there. That self-deprecating denial of how much I have learned. It really can take a lifetime to undo the damage done by someone with BPD.

  So, my mother's not talking to me again. She usually throws me out of the family every few years, only to permit me back when she needs something from me. This time is because I refused to let my husband and son go over and help her with her printer- because she is never satisfied, always finds fault with what they do or how they do it, or they didn't do something that she didn't ask them to do because she expected them to read her mind- and the last time this happened she started cursing at my son and threw us out of her apartment. She said she was never going to ask us for help again! (Oh, please let that be true this time!) So, when 2 days later she called to get them to help set up her new printer, I said no. Then all hell broke loose. I frankly didn't hear much of what she said because I was trying to explain why they were less than enthusiastic about helping her and she was screaming over me. I know she started in on one of a variety of "You can call me when you're ready to... . act nicely, apologize, etc... . " but I didn't hear what it was I was supposed to do because I cut her off -telling her I wasn't going to play that game. Then I think there was some swearing on her part and she hung up on me. Haven't heard from her in three weeks.

   You'd think I'd be cheering for the three weeks of peace, but it still makes me anxious. I check the mail for some letter telling me off. I get that sudden sick to my stomach sensation when the phone rings. It sounds awful, but if I only could know for sure that I'd never hear from her again, I'd be so relieved.  Meanwhile, (an example, I'm sure, of my own pathology) I'm searching for ways to reconnect- just a little!  I have one voice saying, "go ahead, call her, let her know you care," and a competing voice saying, "What? Are you out of your mind? She will never have a rational discussion about this, you will always be the awful daughter, and that self-righteous indignation of hers will tell her she was right all along."

  So, here I am, looking to get off the merry-go-round, digging my foot down into the dirt so i can slow it down and hop off with a minimum amount of damage. Damn it, I have learned something after all these years, and I am better at taking care of myself, but I'm still looking for a little help. Any suggestions/commiseration appreciated.

[Calsun]

Hi Taolady,

I can commiserate with your story.  The carousel.  If we grew up with functional, healthy parents, we would have learned to bond with  parents who consistently loved us, respected our personhood, and allowed us to feel safe just being who we are.  But we needed to bond to and get our needs met from a parent or parents that were abusing us, using us, not seeing us as persons.  The need for a mother is so powerful.  They say that dying men on the battlefield will cry out for their mothers in their last moments.  It is so powerful a need and force in our lives.  And it is so unnatural for a mother to not be able to love her children, and in fact for BPD's they are really trying to covertly or overtly destroy their children, their happiness, their sense of inner worth and value. How unnatural is that.  Any Hallmark cards that address that one?   That is such a confusing situation, and I think for me it can still set up that kind of carousel feeling.

When I was a child my mother would use confidences against me, humiliate and abuse, and then say to me, why don't you want to be close to me, as if I was a cold, heartless reptile who didn't love or want to be close to his mother.  That's the distortion of the BPD, that's their projecting what they can't see in themselves onto their child, that's the cognitive dysfunction, and their inability to see their own reality.  The irony or paradox with BPD's is that if they could only see they had a problem, they wouldn't really have the big problem, they could start to get better and stop projecting.  And trying to get them to come to the reality of their behavior is like trying to get a person with a disorder, a cognitive dysfunction to really see it.  It's not going to happen, at least not with my uBPD mother.  I've come increasingly to just hold onto my own perceptions more and more and to limit my exposure to someone whose cognitive impairment makes her behavior unpredictable and her perceptions of me, herself, relationships, and life, distorted and destructive.  She can't see how wonderful and rich a person I really am, and so her chaotic, carousel behavior will always seek to devalue me.  That's a carousel bond or trauma bond I can increasingly get free from.

Thanks for your share!

Callus

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Taolady,

I know that carousel ride all too well also, and it's not a fun one. My mother's also a fan of the silent treatment, and will banish members of the family for their disobedience. It's very invalidating. Have you had a chance to look at this article about the silent treatment and verbal abuse: BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.? It resonated with me when I read it. 

Be kind to yourself; you have learned and grown over the years. Managing a relationship with someone with BPD can be exhausting, especially when you're expecting to be on the receiving end of a rant. You did a good thing for yourself by standing up to your mother, although I know that was difficult to do.

That tug-of-war in your head about what to do next (call her? don't call her?) can eat at you too. What would make you reach out to your mother, and what's stopping you (besides the possibility of a rant)? Is there a way that you could reach out that would be easier for you?

[Taolady]

Thank you, Geeky Girl, and Calsun.  I actually did find a way to reach out that felt comfortable enough. I sent her a blank card and wrote inside, "I wish you would consider talking about our last time together and your phone call." That's all I said. I felt like that let her know I was willing to discuss it and I hoped she was, too. That was a week ago and I haven't heard from her. And that actually feels all right now.

I am surprised to see that I'm not angry, just a little sad, and mostly sad for her that she makes her life so miserable. It doesn't have to be that way, but then again, maybe for her, it does. I think I miss some few occasions when we had fun, or could enjoy each other's company in the future, but the distress she causes me isn't worth it. She is stuck and I'm moving on.

[GeekyGirl]

You left the door open, and what happens from here is mostly up to her.  You can move forward with a clear conscience.  Hang in there.

[Taolady]

So, an update. Now I've done it.

My mother offered me a chance to ignore everything and have a "clean slate" or no contact. I clarified that that meant I wouuld pretend all the screaming, cursing, hanging up on me, cursing her grandson, weeks of silence, not letting me speak didn't happen and I'd have the honor of doing it all again down the line, versus, nothing at all. I told her that while both choices were tempting, I actually was looking for a third, somewhat healthier alternative.

I offered her a relationship based on honesty, mutual respect, and working through our problems instead of pretending they didn't exist, and she REJECTED it, saying that I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SICK and NEEDED HELP. She was never going to invite me to her house again.

Well, we've been here many times. It lasts until she needs me for something and I'm pretty tired of going down that road.

I told her I was choosing not to participate any more in her pathology, that it wasn't her fault she had BPD, but it was her resposibility to manage it, which, clearly, she was not interested in doing.  I told her I was both sad and angry to lose my mother this way, but, truth be told, I really lost her many, many years ago.

I told her that per mutual desire, I considered us Officially Estranged.

I'm sure she will contact me at some point in order to have the last word, but I don't think I'll cave this time. I am both relieved and worried for her (she's 79 and I am the last person left for her to push away). Any words of wisdom or suggestions?

[hoping4hope]

20 years ago I said goodbye to my uBPDfather.  Didn't know about BPD then.

Life has been hard in other ways, but the peace of not being sniped at from behind so to speak has been worth it for me at least.  There is an emptiness, a sense of having to go life alone without my parent as a support.  He was a financial support no question, but emotionally he would undercut all of his kids.  For me it was the right choice.

I do not believe we should be bound to unhealthy relationships with people just because they are relatives.  And I love him still and believe maybe we were both happier this way.

[Taolady]

Thank you, hoping4hope. Your post had a nice, calming tone to it. I appreciate you telling me about you and your father and how things have turned out. Gives me a little peace and reassurance.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sure she will contact me at some point in order to have the last word, but I don't think I'll cave this time. I am both relieved and worried for her (she's 79 and I am the last person left for her to push away). Any words of wisdom or suggestions?

I'm sorry that your mother wasn't open to the third option, which I agree would probably have been good for both of you.  At the same time, though, you did a good thing by standing up for yourself.

It's possible that your mother will reach out to you. What would you do if she did? Instead of caving, is there a way you could set some limits with her to maintain the relationship but in a way that's ok for you?

For now, just take care of yourself. 

[Taolady]

Thank you, Geeky girl. I always appreciate how you give us something to think about and sort of encourage us to have a ready plan.

My first response I think would be to offer that third option again, although to tell the truth, I don't think she can do it. Really, I think she's compelled to act in the destructive way she does. I guess it might depend on how much time has gone by. If it's real soon, I might just say no. If it's been a long time like months, I might try to make a plan with her about how we should act with each other. Right now, I'm just enjoying a little peace.

[GeekyGirl]

Enjoy the peace and quiet. I think your approach is a solid one. For now, you're respecting your mother's need for space, and this is a great time to work on yourself and what's important to you. Hang in there.