The system sucks

[broken3]

Hello all. I guess I am writing to vent or get some further insight as to what to do.

You can see my story on previous posts. And I am really reaching the end of my limit with my stbew.

I have been accused of abusing my kids and my ex 4 times through PFA'S. And in total between attempted PFA'S and contempt and police called. I have 30 times recorded.

I have never even spanked my kids and the past few weeks she has done the mind manipulation with the kids telling them I am a monster, abusive, and dangerous. I have it in recordings.

  I have therapists involved and they are attempting to talk to her. But they say she is hell bent on putting me in jail so she can get the house and kids.

Last week after an argument about chores and being grounded from seeing the BF.  My 17yo daughter decides to stay with her mom. Because she cant take it anymore. The boyfriend lives a block away from my stbxw.

A few days later I have an argument with my 15yo daughter about cleaning her room, I shut internet down. I then get a text from stbxw about her putting me in jail as she did not get alimony ordered. I snapped and yelled at my 15 yo saying I need you do do what i said several times and I cant fight both your mom and you and I am possibly going to jail------.-I know... . wrong thing to do and say. But my stress level was over the top.

  My 15 yo facebooks my 17 yo and says dad is screaming and I am scared.

The police show up at 12:00 a.m. with the stbxw in tow. They say that the stbxw is calling for an emergency PFA.

I say for what? They say because your daughter said she is afriaid. But they talked to her and she said NO WAY.

So the next target is my 17 yo. who says ok.

A PFA is filed but dismissed by the judge as all it says is emotional abuse and I put my fists in her face. That never happened.

When I talked to my 17yo she had no idea what the PFA said and said there was this one time at the kitchen table where you clenched your fists. I said that is no where near me putting my fists in your face!

Between the mind manipulation and the threats of going to jail everytime I try to do the right thing as a parent. Or she doesn't get her alimony check. These things blow up into an atomic bomb.

The therapists say this is the worst case they have ever had. And quite frankly. I am sure of that.

Me being a father and having custody of my kids seems to have no bearing on the court. They want you to work full time, take care of the kids, house, pay bills, pay her alimony etc. All the while they allow my stbxw to work part time and file charge after charge. With no concern over the truth. And even with proof. The state dismisses everything without the person who filed it being held accountable!

  When are the courts and state system going to hold people accountable for their lies and distortions!

We are talking concrete proof. Not he said / she said. All proof done with texts, photos, and recorded conversations!

Sorry to vent... .    

[livednlearned]

Do you have a lawyer? Maybe ask that she pay for legal fees if you haven't already.

I'm not sure what you're asking here, sorry if I'm missing it.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I vaguely remember there being some statutes regarding "malicious prosecution".  When there is a repeated pattern like this, where law is being used as a weapon for wilful subjugation and injustice, then the law itself ought to become the recourse.  Check out some sites about fathers rights and see if you can locate an attorney to look into your situation pro-bono, hopefully.

[david]

My ex used to accuse me of child abuse and spousal abuse. I wound up in jail for two weeks because of false allegations of assault. I now have a video and audio recorder with me when ever there is a chance of her being physically present. This only happens during picks of our two boys. If I go to a school meeting , doc appts, etc, I turn the audio recorder on in the parking lot and put it in my pocket. I turn it off when I am driving away. My atty said I am not allowed to record things in my state. I talked to another atty and said I was only recording myself to protect myself. If ex accuses me of yelling, hitting her, etc. I have a recording of me not doing those things. Yes, ex is also in the recording but that is just recording that the judge can dismiss since I am recording myself. The atty said I have a point if all I am trying to do is protect myself. You may also need this at home with the kids until you can work that out a better way.

Unfortunately that is what I have to deal with. It took me several years, a good therapist to show me it wasn't me, and figuring out how to "communicate with ex for the good of our kids. I only communicate through email so I have documentation. I do not answer my phone if I do not recognize the number. Two years ago ex started calling me from various numbers to get around my boundary. When she left a message I just put that number in my phone book too. It took several years to get this all in place.

I am detached enough now that her behavior doesn't phase me. It does get better but it takes a different mindset than before. If you can show they are false allegations than you should be able to eventually get a judge to make her pay. Once that happens things will improve.

She had tried to alienate the boys years ago but was unsuccessful. Read Divorce Poison by Bill Eddy. You may discover you have been trying things that don't work when dealing with BPD.

[Matt]

I wonder if you can file civil charges.  An attorney could tell you how that works.  It doesn't involve the police, except if they are called as witnesses, or if police reports are put into evidence.

You could ask for $ damages, plus a court order requiring her not to come to your home or work.  Then if she continues, the judge might go further - she might be in contempt and that is a crime so she could go to jail.

And of course ask the court to make her pay all your legal costs.

[broken3]

I have a lawyer. A pretty good one. She knows and has seen what we are dealing with first hand. Because my ex flipped out in front of the judge on one of our custody battles and the judge told her she has anger issues and to get therapy.

I will be meeting with her sometime this week.

I will also be meeting with the therapists who are willing to testify in my favor.

I do believe the only way to make the madness stop. Is to file contempt, perjury, alienation charges etc.

My stbxw fills their head with garbage at every opportunity. And this are constantly questioning me and asking if certain things are true.

Since the only way I communicate with the ex is via texts.

I have to resort to showing them proof of what was said and done.

But unfortunately, the seeds are planted in their brains. And i am sure they still wonder if a small fraction of what their mom says is true.

It's almost like after a visitation with mom. I have to do a de-programming cycle to get them back on track.

It's almost impossible to speak to a 17yo (who is bi-polar) rationally. About what is proper regarding her relationship with her BF.

Especially now that she is a block away from her BF. And mom works. So she is left unsupervised.

I'm afraid I will have a 17yo pregnant daughter soon.

And not to mention put them on the right track as far as responsibilities including school.

This battle has no end in sight... .

[ForeverDad]

I paid alimony too, though relatively short term.  It rankled, seeing how she was the problem person, but it was the court's policy so I had no other choice.  (However, at least my ex was 'imputed' income even if it was only minimum wage.  Seven years later and still the court has never seen her actual income.  )

I recall my ex made so many allegations that I stopped counting them.  Police, CPS, urgent care, hospital, regional abuse center, child therapist, sheriff's investigator, harassment petition, etc.  NO ONE stopped her.  Apparently someone can make repeated allegations without (apparent) consequences because society doesn't want to intimidate or hush a potential whistle blower of abuse, neglect or endangerment.  As if on the 101st allegation it might turn out to be substantiated.  However he ex did have consequences, just very suble ones.  She lost enough credibility to make a difference to the officials and it tilted the scales in my favor.

What helped a little in my case seeking to end Shared Parenting and get custody was to see the magistrate write "not credible" regarding one small item my ex claimed.  Sadly, it was only about holidays, not about parenting.  In other words, my ex's credibility has been dinged.

Likely that is the situation in your case, you have custody, she is making allegations and yet no official consequences to you.  She has little credibility but she is still allowed to allege and make your life miserable.  So if you can't stop her from alleging, at least not now, what to do?  Stop letting her get to you, stop letting her make you miserable.  Try at least a little to see her as a very bad rainy day times 1000, a lurking tiger (listed as endangered and so therefore protected) you have to be vigilant about all the time while still handling all your daily activities, etc.  You hate it but you can survive it while living your life.  Look for ways to not let her get to you.  Yes hard, but your parenting "war" is still going on even though you win nearly every "battle".

I think what you need to do... .

• You've survived this long despite her past attacks, this is the only way she can get to you.  Like a tiger chained close but not too close, she tries raking you with her claws but can't do much more than that.



• Look for ways to keep your calm and not let her get under your skin.



• You have custody now?  Then as long as you stop letting her legal attacks get to you, you can prosper.  It sounds like her only weapons left are the small things your children report to her or that she finds out about that then get blown all out of proportion.



• Accept that alimony is the price you pay for marrying someone who initially seemed nice but somehow transformed into someone or something out to ruin you.  Hopefully the alimony has an end date.

Your older daughter is nearly an adult.  You've done your reasonable best under extremely difficult circumstances, but it's time to accept that you can't stop her from living her life as she decides, even if some of those decisions are poor ones.  She will have consequences to her choices, both good one and yes even some bad ones.  Let's hope the good ones outnumber the bad ones.

The key is that you've done your best and amazing still keep trying to do your best, your reasonable best.  No one can ask for more than that - your reasonable best.  Don't guilt yourself for not doing more, even Superman couldn't do more.

Vexatious Litigant?  If you've had that many unsubstantiated allegations, can you get her parenting reduced even more?

[broken3]

Forever,

I have compiled a list of names dates, times, e-mails, conversations etc.

As of right now I have 30 different categories of contempt.

That is categories. Not instances. Within each category there are anywhere from one to 20 different contemptable charges.

It is sad that it has to go this way. But I think that is the only way to stop the assault.

When does this become a chargeable abuse offense against the agressor? Why not, because she is female?

Sadly, I have been on the defensive position for almost a year now.

The courts allow the alleged abuse victim to say whatever they want. Thankfully she has done it time and time again. And so the courts and judges are starting to take notice and denying her claims. And I am not even there to refute the allegations.

But the real victim in all of this is the kids. Yes I do have them in therapy. But again the ex says I should not make them go and they don't have to if they don't want to go. And the latest is that she says the therapists gossip and tell secrets! Oh brother, give me a break.

I am dealing with the mentality of a 5 year old.

[livednlearned]

When does this become a chargeable abuse offense against the agressor? Why not, because she is female?

I know you're in a bad place and feel victimized, but thinking it's about gender isn't going to make things better.

There are plenty of women here who can't get justice. Or can't get protection. Or have to spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to prove what's right in front of the court's face. There are plenty of men who suffer the same. Reading these boards for a while, I'd say the suffering is pretty even.

It's BPD. It's the court system. It's law enforcement. It's our lawyers. It's us. It's our decisions.

Focus on what you can do. That's all you have control over anyway.

[Matt]

When does this become a chargeable abuse offense against the agressor? Why not, because she is female?

I know you're in a bad place and feel victimized, but thinking it's about gender isn't going to make things better.

There are plenty of women here who can't get justice. Or can't get protection. Or have to spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to prove what's right in front of the court's face. There are plenty of men who suffer the same. Reading these boards for a while, I'd say the suffering is pretty even.

It's BPD. It's the court system. It's law enforcement. It's our lawyers. It's us. It's our decisions.

Focus on what you can do. That's all you have control over anyway.

Yeah, most of us don't have the time, money and patience to really understand what's wrong with the court system.  (And I think there is a lot!)  So we have to stay focused on understanding how it actually works, in detail, where we live, and figuring out how to use it to get an OK outcome... .

[Forward2free]

The court system is continually evolving, and I am sure there have been big advances over the last 10-50 years! But, changes take a long time and there is still an individual judge in many cases, who is responsible for the big decisions. The judge is human, humans make mistakes. They have good and bad days too.

I feel your frustration and I empathize with your situation too. LnL is right though, I am facing my own battles against the perception that all dads deserve 50/50, and it's up to me to prove otherwise. It's costly and frustrating and terribly disheartening to see the "benefit of the doubt" waived in the face of the truth. I had no idea that the truth wasn't enough until I became involved in my own divorce and custody battles.

Unfortunately, it's probably going to take more high profile cases and more high conflict cases with bad endings before governments allocate the funds required to fight the injustice.

Until then, you can only do your very best and take it a day at a time. Lean on people you trust and build on your own power for the duration. It is a marathon... .